Jen2883

Hi, I'm Jen. I am very new to all of this. When I say that... I am not new to alcoholism, I am new to talking about it. My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. I'm 30 years old and trying to figure out how to deal with my extreme anger towards him. Currently, I'm living with my parents. My daughter and I had to move in with them when I lost my job. I know, it sounds like I'm a deadbeat..I swear I am not.

Anyway, my father can be so mentally abusive to me. He says things to me to excuse his drinking, he never gives me encouragement and he drinks every night. I don't want my daughter effected by his alcoholism like I was. I will be moving out this weekend. I guess I just want some help on how to deal with him. He makes me so angry, resentful and sad. He never builds me up. I've come to terms with the fact that nothing I do will ever be good enough. My dad has 3 other sons from a different marriage that barely speak to him. I don't want it to be like that with my dad, but he makes my life toxic. I want to learn how to accept that he has a disease and how to live with it since he will never change at 77 years old. I want to explode because I am so angry at him. It makes my patience thinner, I get stressed so easily and it at times can effect my parenting. Any advice for a first time talker? I'm considering Al Anon but I can't seem to join a live chat. Thanks to anyone who is reading.

God Bless

aasharon90

I moved out of my parents house when I was
19 and never went back. My mom was the sick
parent with alcohol, prescription meds addiction.
Of course she would never admit to it and I can't
take her inventory. It's not my place.

Over the years, i tried to have some sort of relationship
with her but it never worked. So at 21 yrs sober and
remarried, i have come to terms that there will never
be any mother daughter relationship with her or with
any family members because of the dysfunction that
ran rapid thru my family.

See......my recovery means more to me than anything
and I will go to any lengths to keep it. When I got sober
21 yrs ago, i have been on a life long journey to become
healthy in all my affairs. To return or subject myself to
the past inviroment, parent, family would not be healthy
for me and my own well being.

It is sad what addiction does within a family unit. However
there is help available for those who wish to live a healthy
happy life without it.

I know because Im living it now.

Happy Joyous and Free and no one can take that away
from me.

Jen2883

I thank you for your reply. So far, you are the only one who has cared enough to respond. I believe I would not have made it this far in my life had I not had the Lord Jesus Christ on my side. He walks with me everyday. But, as much as I know I need to turn things over to him, I need someone to tell me how to deal with my dad. I need answers. I need a piece of mind. Why am I a punching bag? Doesn't he love me?

aasharon90

My dad tried to reassure me that my mom
did love me even when she was verbally,
physically, emotionally abusive to me.

I dont think he really knew the impact of
her abuse had on me as i was to keep it
a secret from him.

I am an alcoholic and have been sober for
21 yrs. by the Grace and Power from the Man
upstairs. Ive always known He was there
for me, and i try not to question his Will for
me but to accept it. Especially during the
abusive childhood I had when i never understood
why i was chosen our of 4 kids to endure
such pain.

I cant change the past, but to only move forward
for myself and place those who have hurt me or
ive held resentments towards in His hands.

We cant reason with a sick person or someone
under the influence. It's not you or has anything
to do with you. They are sick and unless they chose
to seek help then they r out of our hands.

Taking care of you is important and there is help
for you if you reach for it. There are many others
out there in the world that have similar situations
as you and will graciously provide you with helpful
suggestions.

You deserve to be happy. It's time to take care of you.

Florence

As friends and family of the addicts, we're often the nearest outlet for their anger and self-loathing. I'm on another thread trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings about my sober husband, but I can confidently say a few things about dealing with my not-sober husband that could help. One of the most important things for me to learn was that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Say that to yourself over and over again! The best way for me to deal with an active alcoholic was to not deal with him at all. When he'd blow up, I'd let him. I got out of his way and let him create his own consequences and let him deal with them. I lived my life and tried to make sure that I and my kids would be provided for no matter what crazy **** he was up to.

Jen2883

Florence, where do you find the strength to not fight back? How did you walk away? That's part of my problem, I feel like that's letting him win. So, I tell him over and over he's a drunk that has ruined my esteem and my own self respect. How do I teach myself to just walk away? "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it" <--- I need to learn that. Thanks for that positive. Maybe that can help me.

LifeRecovery

Jen-

What a hard situation for you.

I did not grow up with alcoholism in my immediate home, but was surrounded by it and married and alcoholic.

I got help with Al-anon, counseling, and reading up on addiction. The books by Claudia Black helped me to understand how rampant addiction was in my family.

marie1960

Jen,

Glad to hear you and your daughter are moving out this weekend. No one deserves to live with a toxic active alkie.

My only suggestion would be to take control of any future visits. If it means limiting the amount of time you see or talk with him, so be it. When he starts to get ugly, simply hang up the phone. If you are visiting, and he is getting obnoxius, simply leave.

We lead by example, show him how you expect to be treated. Not only will you be standing up for yourself, you will not be exposing your child to his ridicule.

Whether he actually ever " gets It" or not, does not matter, You get it, and you will be establishing a livable boundary for you and your child.

Wishing you brighter days ahead, my friend.

Zoenob

Hi Jen,

I admire your steps to get healthy and moving out this weekend.

You may get a lot of insite and help from the Forum on Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

A little background and info opened the floodgates of understanding and learning to deal with all my addictions whether they be human or substances. Hang in there.

Katiekate

Jen, how horrible, I know the feelings so well, my Dad was an alocholic also, and I had a lot of very painful and hard feelings to deal with as I got older.

Make your new home a loving and healing environment. YOu and your daughter so deserve that. Be compassionate with yourself and don't beat yourself up because you can't fix it. Don't turn you anger toward your father on yourself. Try to get into some counseling, I did, it took many years to unravel the hurt and the self destructive feelings I had, but I will tell you it was all well worth the time , the money, and the effort.

I read a ton of books about Adult Children, it was such a relief in those early days to be validated, to know that I was not crazy, that having a Dad who was an active alcoholic was the cause of my self hatred and my inablility to be happy, and to know that I was finally in charge of my feelings and emotions and that I had a chance to change the way I thought could lead to my own happiness. I learned at a very young age to feel hopeless and depressed. It's all changed now, it can change for you too.

YOu are raw and wounded and rightly so. It's okay to feel these strong emotions, but have some compassion for yourself, you will heal, and it will get better.

take good care of yourself and your daughter. xooxoxox