feelsolow

My boyfriend is in rehab for opiate abuse. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and have a 2 month old daughter. I went to the family program at the rehab this week and it was so great to see him clean and excited about recovery but I was also sad because of something he said. We did a communication exercise and he said what he needs most from me now is space to find his true self. But he told me not to take that the wrong way so I tried not to. He has been there for a week and a half and was calling me daily. yesterday is when he said he needed space and he didn't call yesterday or today. I am sooooo scared that he no longer wants to be with me. I have been through many things with him and I love him and it will ruin me if he leaves me. Also he was still acting as though we were together when we spent time together at the rehab. Someone please please help me. My mind just won't stop racing and my stomach is in knots.

CanfixONLYme

Hi feelso...

Hey, what you need to do right now at this very moment is to do this... Stop. Sit back and do some deep breathing. I'm really serious.... Remove yourself from any distractions and just try to breathe and get your inner self back online. If that doesn't calm you, if your wee baby is nice and fast asleep, go and look in on her and just watch her sleeping peacefully k? Do it now... watch her for a good five minutes or so and really see what you and your boyfriend made together out of love.

What your boyfriend has said to you is actually REALLY REALLY GOOD!!! REALLY! He needs to focus on his recovery right now and he does need to dig deep and take stock of himself. Otherwise feelso, if his mind is on you, he won't get into the program really that well and there's a very good chance when he comes out, he will relapse that much easier.

Know that he is doing what he feels to get better. In turn, take care of you and your baby as best you can. I hope you have family and friends to make it easier for you to manage without your bf... ---

Just breathe...relax... and read more postings on here. You sound like you are going through your own abandonment fears and that is okay... but right now, you can't lean on him to appease your fears... - lean on your family and friends for it and have faith that all will work out in the end.

I read your post and see no red flags or anything that would lead me to believe he doesn't want to be with you...k?!

Big hugs this eve... get some rest...

Kindeyes

It's ok to give him space. And it's ok to get a little space for you too. We get so interconnected with the addict that we sometimes can't tell where we leave off and they begin.

I would be willing to bet that you want more than anything for him to get clean and sober, right? And if giving him that space allows him to do that, you would support that. He's in a good place but it could be pretty tough on him as he faces what his addiction has done to him and the people he loves. He'll need to work through that with others who understand what he's going through.

While he's in rehab, it would be a great time for you to check out Nar-Anon and.or Al-Anon meetings. You'll learn the language that he is learning. You'll find support there from people who understand what YOU are going through.

And I hope you stick around here. Ask questions. Read posts. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. It will all help.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

feelsolow

Thank you both for replying. It has calmed me. I do want him to get and stay clean and sober. And my head is telling me that giving him space will help him and me but my heart will not let go yet. I do believe that I have fear of abandonment because I am scared to death that he will leave me or begin a relationship with someone else who is in recovery because they can relate. I do plan on going to an alanon meeting Saturday but I'm a very shy person and that makes me scared to share.

laurie6781

Awww sweetie, we all felt that way at our first meeting, and I was coming over from AA after 3 years, found out I was also 'co dependent' with my sober Alcoholic husband.

It's okay, you don't have to share until you are ready. I would suggest go a bit early and 'helping' set up the meeting when there is only 1 or 2 folks there. Say hello and say you are new. They will greet you like an old friend or a new friend they have just found, might even offer to sit with you and/or introduce you to a few more peeps. Then it won't be so scarry. i also stay after the meeting for a few minutes and helpput stuff away, when I have gone to a 'new' meeting for me. You see I have been going (not as often now, lol) for 27+ years.

If you have a bit of time late at night after your baby is in bed, check on Amazon.com for a book called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Many of us on here andat Alanon meetings has read this book, with a 'highlighter' to 'highlight' what pops out as us. Then when we read the second time, we use a different colored highlighter. And so on as you will probably read it many times. My copy now looks like the first 164 pages of my AA Big Book, they are both rainbows!!!!!!!!! lmao

But you see, everytime I read either of those books, something 'new' pops out at me, different from the last. I also buy a NEW AA Big Book about every 5 years or so as it gets to be too much of a rainbow, and my "Codependent No More" about every 7 years as again, it gets to much of a rainbow, and it makes it hard to concentrate, rofl

So please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

just wanted to drop by and give you a little encouragement to go to the meeting today - Al-Anon has been one of the best things in the world for me -

I didn't speak for my first few meetings either - just took it slow, but I loved it - I have made some really wonderful friends there. the healing and learning to live a healthier way!

Hope you enjoy the meeting and keep taking good care of you & your little one!

ODAT
PINK HUGS,
Rita

Windmills

I'm another who didn't speak for a very long time in a meeting, just sat there and cried. Now I love my meeting, have met some amazing people there and quite look forward to it most members will try to make you feel comfortable too, I think everyone remembers how hard it was to walk through the doors the first time!

Ann

I just cried at my first three meetings and everyone understood, passed tissues and let me know I was in the right place.

His life may very well depend on this focus on recovery right now. You and your child don't matter a whit if he can't stay clean to be with you. It's not easy for him but it doesn't have to be hard for you.

Now is a good time to go to meetings (as you plan), and surround yourself with happier things. Take your child for a walk in the park, maybe stop for icecream along the way, and enjoy the sunshine and the peace.

Hugs

gurlie214

Feelssolow, I just wanted to share with you that I just went through the same thing when when my AH was in rehab (he just got out last Friday). He was serious about recovery and the counselors there told the guys that the only way to see this through to total sobriety is to focus only on themselves and their recovery. I took it hard at first (we didn't talk for 2 weeks) ! I thought I was dying, but it turns out it was one of the best things we ever did for each other. I know its hard, almost impossible, but try with all you have to focus on yourself getting well and sorting out some of the madness that surely went down prior to his going to rehab. It WILL be ok!!! I will be praying for you, I promise!! Hugs!!!!

Krystal32

Hi feelso, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Believe me, I can relate. My fiance was in rehab for 2 months, he got home on the 20th of February. It's a scary thing to go through, especially since you guys just had a baby together. I have a 19 month old and a 1 month old with my fiance and the fear I felt while he was in rehab was so overwhelming, I was so scared that his feelings for me were going to change and he was going to leave me. I cried A LOT in the beginning but then it got easier and I realized that the space we had from each other was very much needed. It helped me clear my head and I was able to focus on taking care of my son and taking care of myself (I was still pregnant at the time). I know your scared but the time apart is a good thing. It helps to be able to take a break from all that stress and this gives you the chance to focus all your attention on that beautiful little baby of yours and to focus on yourself as well. I can't agree with canonlyfixme enough, when you start to feel overwhelmed like that, just stop, take a breath and look at that little miracle that you and your BF brought into this world. There's nothing more amazing then that


I had a hard time accepting the fact that my fiance needed to focus on himself and his recovery but now I understand that if he's going to be healthy and be a good father and a good companion, then his recovery has to come first. I know you are freaked out right now and my heart goes out to you cause like I said, I know how scary it is to be where you are. Just keep coming back here, post as much as you need to and take some time to read the stickies on this forum and whatever threads appeal to you. And it's great that you are going to get yourself to a meeting. That's something I haven't done yet myself but I bet it will help so much. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are feeling a little better today. And remember to enjoy that little baby of yours!!!

Take care
Krystal