akalacha

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this because my mind is pretty well made up already. We have two dogs, (three right now as I'm dog-sitting for a friend who is currently out of country). Also, three cats. My A has two parrots. They are definitely his pets, not mine. I have never enjoyed having pets who have to be caged. But he has always liked and had birds. He bought these two parrots four years ago. They were still babies, had to be hand fed for the first month or so. He used to love them and take care of them. Let them out of the cage every day, handled them, talked to them. Since he's been in non-stop drinking mode the birds have suffered. I check on them every day to make sure they have food and water. Most times they don't until I fill their food and water bowls. I cannot take on the care of these birds. I already have my hands full with cats & dogs and I'm just not a bird person. I told my A today that unless he starts taking care of these birds I am going to find a good home for them where they will be taken care of. His reply was ¨OK, I'll take care of them¨. But I don't believe him. (Imagine that!) We don't have a veterinarian around here but the woman who owns the local pet shop is a vet tech. More importantly, she is my friend. I've decided to give it one week. If at anytime during that week the birds do not have food or water I will talk to my friend the vet tech about finding a good home for them. I am powerless over my A's drinking, but I will not tolerate animals being neglected because of it. That's something I do have some power over and I will use that power if needed. Which, sadly it seems it will be.

dollydo

I couldn't agree more, good decision.

My exabf wanted a cat, he adopted one...he never bought a bag of food, cleaned her litter box, took her to the vet for shots, health issues and so forth. When I tossed him, he wanted the cat...over my dead body...she is now 7, healthy and of coarse still living with me.

suki44883

Good for you! Pets, just like children, have no choice in the matter. They need a responsible adult to look out for their best interests. Birds, especially ones that live long lives, require a commitment, and require special care. If he isn't prepared to do that, then he has no business owning them. I hope you can find good homes for the sweeties.

LifeRecovery

I have a special dog. I actually have two dogs, but one is well, adjusted, easy, gets to visit people in the local hospital etc.

The other dog, my LifeRecovery dog is fear aggressive and struggles in any new situation. She is sweet and loving to those in her immediate circle, but it is a very small circle.

Part of my realization of how far addiction can hit someone is when I realized how my ex was and was not taking care of the dogs, especially my troubled one.

One of the best things I ever did for me (and them) was set some boundaries up around them. I have not ever had iota of regret from that decision. For some reason these boundaries were easy for me to figure out and determine. If nothing else that was a good and valuable learning experience. Oh yeah and I got two dogs out of the deal.

nodaybut2day

Excellent decision. Better those birds be in another home than with someone who'll neglect them to death.

I've noticed that pets (like children) are often used as hostages in separations. When I left, my XAH kept our two cats, but after a month, he threatened to kill the female because she was just walking around the apartment, meowing and looking for me. I quickly went over and rescued her because I have no doubt he would just have wrung her neck.

Since moving in with me, she's blossomed into quite a different girl.

Thumper

You are being smart.

You brought back a flood of memories/feelings. Our dog was one of the few things that actually chipped away at my denial and my stomach does a little flip now thinking about it. We had a dog. It was xah's dog really. A field trial dog and he was always worried I'd do something wrong with him and 'ruin' him and his training. So I always considered it xah's dog. We had him for 12 years. Those last few years with that dog I'm ashamed of myself. He was kenneled more then he should have been because he'd pee in the basement - because xah would not let him out often enough. He was old and needed to go out often. He wasn't abused and his physical needs were always met (I made sure of that) but he did not have the attention that he should have had. I had two newborns, a full time job, two older kids and I'd set up lights so I could go outside in the dark and clean up and hose down his outdoor kennel - late after everyone was in bed and in between the constant nursing of twins. It was the only time left in the day. I fed him, i watered him. I walked him when I could. I hated that dog because he was such a source of extra work and I resented that and GUILT. Guilt for having him, guilt for hating him, guilt for my entire life it seemed - all wrapped up in that dog. Looking back it was such an example of how alcohol was winning and we were all losing - even the dog. I just refused to see it or listen to that voice and it was always chipping away at me. Chip chip chip. OMG I'm so glad that is not my life today.

theuncertainty

This was a very hard thread to open. Akalacha, thank you for being so good and strong enough to take care of the parrots and to think of finding a good home for them.

AXH and I had 4 cats. We adopted 3 and the 4th adopted us. After DS was born, I wasn't allowed to do much for them at all. I'd get yelled at for making AXH feel lazy or stupid if I tried to feed, water or clean up after them. "I SAID I'd do that!" He'd shove them out of my room if he found them there, so I quit letting them in and they stopped coming back to me.

I'd asked AXH, told him, got angry and yelled, cried and begged, to find a new home for them if he wouldn't take care of them or let me take care of them. All I got was silence or "They're fine. Go to the room." Any time I showed any concern for them, it got worse for them. He used to 'joke' about having one of his friends take them out to the woods, "Just don't ask what happened."

The first time I took DS and left him, the youngest cat "just up and died". The last time I left AXH, he again refused to let me take any of the cats. "They don't like you, they know you don't care. They're MINE." They're all gone. All I know is a GF had one of them put to sleep. I don't know where they are, what he did to them, how they lived. I know he didn't pay any attention to them. I'm pretty sure they're gone; whether from his neglect or worse, I don't know.

To say I feel horrible that I wasn't able to save them, too, is a vast understatement. Adopting Sasuke was a big step for DS and I and one that we so badly needed.

Thank you, Akalacha.

laurie6781

I think you have done the correct action, even though it sounds more like an ultimatum than a boundary.

The problem as I see it, is that not only is he not feeding and watering them, but, and I am assuming here that he is not cleaning their cage either. That is a big NO-NO as they can become very ill from just dirty cages.

So good decision on your part ..................... the only question I have is .............. why wait a whole week, why not contact the friend like calling your friend now, right now for help finding homes for them?

Other than that, it sounds like you are way more serious about your recovery and that is a very plus sign for YOUR own recovery.

Please keep doing what you have been doing to continue your growth, and of course report back to us how you are doing, as we do care very much.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

akalacha

Laurie, I guess it could be seen as an ultimatum. To me it's about my boundary that I will not let an animal be neglected. You're right-no need to wait a week. I'm going to call my friend right now. I so hope we can find someone who will want these birds and give them a good home. They deserve to be loved and cared for.

Cookiee

Hi, I have only recently left my alcoholic ex (last week) and moved out. He was adamant on keeping our rabbits (who I adopted and mostly cared for) although they love him and he loves them very much. He’s been on a binge since I’ve left. I haven’t heard from him at all. I began to worry about the rabbits and went over to his home. He hasn’t been cleaning up their litter box and I don’t think they had been let out. I am very concerned. Unfortunately I cannot bring the rabbits to where I am now staying and i am very upset and do not know what to do. I know going over there and cleaning up is enabling but I cannot stand the thought of them being hurt in some way.

SparkleKitty

Sorry, duplicate post.

SparkleKitty

Cookie, is there a third party who could and care for the rabbits until you are in a position to do so? A friend or relative?

Cookiee

Hello, thank you for responding. I cannot think of anyone, but I will begin asking around at work today. Rabbits are pretty tough to upkeep. I also don’t think I will be in a position to even have them for a few years.

VikingGF

(((theuncertainty))) your story is heartbreaking.

Animals always come first, good for you making a plan for the birds.

hopeful4

Ugh. That is the worst as pets deserve the best.

I agree to talk to the vet tech to see if she can help find them a home. Maybe they can stay there? A local vet here has two parrots in their office, they are fabulous!

Sending out big hugs!

atalose

Cookie this thread hasn’t had any activity since 3-30-2012 until today. Maybe start a new thread of your own regarding animals left behind after the relationship ends with an A, it's a very important issue.

In my area there are a number of animal rescue groups from rescuing horses to rescuing fish. Maybe do a search in your area for a rabbit rescue group, at least you know they would be better taken care of.