tryingtohelp2

I haven't posted on here for a while, but frankly I am at the END of my Rope My AF became my ABF and for a while, everything was sooo good. He stumbled a few times, but was trying as hard as I have ever seen him. We had tons of fun and grew closer every day!

We were both under stress in our lives, but we took turns holding each other up. His mother had been sick for nearly 3 years and recently passed away. She was in Hospice nearly two grueling months and every day we made the hour and a half trek to the hospital when I was done work. During this time, when he stumbled a few times, there was a new twist....he got down right mean! He would curse and scream and me all the way home and say vile things to me...In the 2 years I have known him....He has never said a cross word or uttered the hateful barbs which now flow almost daily...

He has been mostly sober since her passing just one month ago....but has pulled far away and said some unforgivable things.....even when SOBER!

He apologizes profusely and says" you know I didn't mean it" and blames it pon his grief...I have seen a lot of people grieve..but have never known any to turn on the one they "claim" to love the most!

I love him deeply and cherish the connection our souls found. I have never felt this comfortable or this at home with anyone else. I don't understand this latest turn of events....Is this him handling his grief? A part of his with-drawl and recovery? Or does he really Love AND Hate me at the same time.

I welcome all feedback and hope someone out there can shed some light on my situation....

I don't know what to do for him at this point! or what to do for myself


Thank you for listening.....sorrry if I rambled....It is all so painful

AlcoholicLove

It wasn't a new twist-it was a hidden one, that is now coming to the surface.

I'm not sure what mostly sober means? Does he go to AA? Working any kind of program? Following the 12 steps?

There is not much you can do for him, but a lot you can do for YOU.
The book "Co-Dependent No More" is a good place to start.

supersoap

Mine was great when he was in rehab, all positives and everything was gonna be perfect, but as soon as he got out, he chugged a bottle of cough syrup (he was to stressed) and then became a very angry and resentful person when I would bring his addictive habits to the surface. He was punished and kicked out of the half way house and now has to wear a monitor on his leg, he cut his eye and abused the pain pills the doc prescribed, and he keeps threatening to drive his untagged, uninsured, car with his suspended license, cause hes gotta be who he is. His actions were the opposite of his promises, and when I would get angry that he broke his promises, he then retreated to stating he was an a-hole and that i needed to support the behavior, because that's what you do when you are in love. Anyway, we didn't make it, he was scary (he shoved me, and told me it was ok if i went and shot someone that he would support my decision, so I should learn to accept his, wtf, then accused me of wanting to abuse him (I was huddled on the bed staring at my feet shaking like a leaf and scared s-liss of him at this point and the crazy stuff he said)) when he raged and I heard to many f-up stories from his family and friends to continue to put myself in his line of fire. Protect yourself. When they get mean, they will stay mean, because you stick around to take it.

I understand how painful it is to think of ending the relationship with the person you love. I struggle with my decision everyday, and have lost him and all of his family whom Id grown very close to. But my reality was that I lost my time, my composure, my ability to keep my panic attacks at bay, lost sleep, immense fear, and lots of nausea from the stress. This is no way to continue to live your precious life.

I am codependent, and I wanted him to be happy and carefree, and I naively thought that since my lifestyle kept me out of trouble, if I tried to persuade (now known as manipulation) him to live his life like I did mine, he would by happy, attain his goals, and not miss the booze.

Its ok to be confused, sad, angry, panicked, bitter, scared, and unsure as to waht to do with your situation. It will be your choice, either he changes and it gets better further beyond the grieving process or it continues to escalate.

Be wary though if he has been diagnosed borderline personality disorder, since his mother passed, he may feel abandoned by her, and now fear the same from you, which would trigger is angry reactions.

nodaybut2day

Grief does not make everyone verbally abusive. There is NO EXCUSE for abuse.

Are you willing to continue being treated this way?

I know you love him, but IMO, oftentimes, love isn't enough.

dale6667

Read the book Co-dependent no more. Start living for you. I have been through it and things didn't change my x is back in rehab for his third time. I attend Ala-non meetings and pray everyday. I live for me now. Went back to the gym look and feel great! Take the first step and go to ala-non.

Pelican

Alcoholism is progressive. It does get worse.

What you are experiencing sounds like progress of the addiction to me.

tryingtohelp2

Thank you to all for your feedback and support.....I will take ALL that was said into consideration. I just got out of a 23 year bad relationship where I was controlled and misunderstood.....I definately do not want to go down that road again!!!

BobbyJ

At this point:
I would say, you need to take care of yourself..

Do what is good for you......

Name calling, screaming and yelling....Is that good for you?

Using stress as an excuse of acting like a J'ass is crazy thinking...
If that was the case, I should running thru my neighborhood naked today!

Somewhere people need to draw the line - Excuse //// Choice

wicked

Bobby,
I was gonna dare ya, but I thought again!
:You might just do it.


tryintohelp,

it seems you are going down the exact same road with a different man.
it is sad to hear that you are being treated so badly by someone who cares only for himself.
and, it will get worse. my ex used to say that "i lost my sense of humor" or he was just kidding. there was nothing humorous to me, using my painful moments to ridicule me.
Please dont get stuck there.

Beth

sugarbear1

Untreated alcoholism or addiction, also known as a "dry drunk" can be worse. There's no relief whatsoever. If he isn't working the steps into his life or working any other program (such as AVRT), his behavior can be worse. If he doesn't find a program, he may relapse. This, along with his grieving, can be debilitating, which it is for you.

We attack those we love because we think they will always be there for us, possibly something his mom had done.

Are you in Nar Anon or Al Anon? Codependent or not, you need to take responsibility for you. No one demeans me regularly without my consent. I've been on both ends of this spectrum.

I wish you peace,

Cyranoak

TTH2, for the love of God listen to the people who have posted on this string. It's all true, it's all based on a great deal of experience, and based on your posts I think it would be a mistake to ignore it.

There is something about you that thought a relationship with this man is a good idea and that it's somehow your job to fix or help him. You need to find out what it is and address it.

Take care,

Cyranoak

fourmaggie

sorry, but this will only get WORSE

please go to an AL ANON meeting...

dollydo

Unfortunately, you are already there...you have established a pattern...perhaps it is time to seek therapy...there is an underlining reason that you chose to be with disfunctional men.