Eliasson

I am really not very comfortable with my sponsor. I don't feel good about doing my fourth step with her, if we even get that far. She's been my sponsor for two years and we've never done the steps. I texted her once in a really bad place, telling her I wished I could just die, and she never responded to me. I've asked many other women in our group to be my sponsor, and everyone says no, which really hurts my feelings. I think they are afraid to ruffle my sponsors feathers, as she is one of the founders of the group. I'm so discouraged. What should I do?

Sapling

I'd find a different group and a different sponsor...And remember...It's you...And not the sponsor that has to do the work.

PaperDolls

I agree with Sapling -- find a new group and a sponsor that is willing to meet with you on a regular basis (weekly) to work on the steps.

Also, remember not everyone texts. My fiance has a habit of sending txts to people without asking if they even receive them. Just a thought.

aasharon90

I would share with you that you never have
to do anything you don't wish to do. Especially
if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Listen to
you heart and your gut as I know for me, when
something is wrong, i would surely know it.

I followed my sponsor by her own actions. I called
her if i needed her or went to see her at her job. Im
not a clingy person and would rather work things out
on my own at my own pace.

I realize everyone has their own lives and their own
agendas, families, jobs, schedules, as well as my own.
I had to do the foot work, going to meetings and get
what I needed in order to stay sober. All I did was put
one foot in front of the other, listened, absorbed and
baked an aweful lot of good things to bring to each of
many meetings i went to.

If i didnt understand something all i did was ask.

My recovery is my own and I wanted it bad enough
and still do 21 yrs later.

Anna

I hope you find someone who fits with you.

sugarbear1

Do you have 2 years of sobriety?

I hate texting. I can't hear the voice so I can't know how the person is feeling or behaving (are they sober?). Why text something so serious? A phone call is easier than a text. My friend texts me when she's drinking.....

Did you ask those other people why they didn't want to sponsor you?

I hope you find someone to help guide you through those steps, but sobriety is first!

Peace,

Eliasson

No, the longest I've put together is 7 months, just recently. I know lots of people hate texting, and she probably does too. Maybe she could've texted back "please call me"?

When I'm in a deep depression, I don't have the courage or the energy to speak on the phone. I explained that to her at that time, too.

But you are all right, ultimately my sobriety is up to me. I have to do the work. Last time I drank I literally could've died. I don't know what it's going to take for me to finally get this. Some people make it look so easy. For me not numbing myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. The real world scares me to death. I have a week this time and I pray 3-22-12 is my final sobriety date. I'm tempted to have it tattooed on my forehead.

I will try to let my sponsor know what I need from her and give her a chance. If it still doesn't work, maybe I should attend some different meetings once in awhile to see if I can find a sponsor there ? Thanks for being here. Again. I do want to be sober, happy and healthy.

Sapling

Hey Eliasson...How are you doing with the Big Book?....Have you read it and understand it?....What about steps 1..2..3...Do you feel you are ready for those?....Just trying to figure out where you are in your knowledge of the steps?

sugarbear1

Search "aa back to basics city state" and find a back to basics meeting that works the steps rather quickly. The solution is in the steps.

Best wishes!

Eliasson

I think I found a new sponsor! She works a great program, battles a chronic illness like I do, has the most positive, optimistic outlook and I think she will be great. But I feel so bad about letting old sponsor go, don't like to hurt anyone's feelings. If anyone has any suggestions on how to best handle this, it would be such a big help. Thank you!

DayTrader

First thing I wonder is what role are you playing in that? Were you calling her up till then and working with her as her sponsee......or was it a super-casual relationship and you called her out of the blue? Granted, she should have called but I hope she had a valid reason for not getting back to you right away.

2 yrs and no steps........have you been asking her to do the steps or were you just sitting back waiting for her? I "encourage" my guys to get to work but I won't drag them through the work. If they don't want to do it, I'm not gonna force them. They're adults....they need to be part of the solution too.

That stuff aside, maybe you're in MOTR AA and need to go find "the fellowship you crave." If that's the case, I can't believe you made it this long without making some changes. 2 yrs of misery.......living in untreated alcoholism.......is a helluva long time. Find some new meetings and just make a way to get there. I haven't driven in 6 yrs and get to all the meetings I want. It may need to be a higher order priority for you than it has been.

There are more than a few AA ppl from Texas here. I'd recommend tossing a post up in the 12-Step area where most of them are asking for where some solid AA meetings in Texas are and see if you don't get some recommendations.

zorah

Trust your gut, Eliasson. From my experience, that inner gut-voice doesn't lie! It's easy for us to question our judgment and instincts but this can sometimes cause harm. If your sponsor is not helping YOU or you don't feel comfortable working the steps with her, you need no other reason than that to find someone else. Taking action on your own behalf can actually aid recovery. Whatever treatment you choose, it's for you and you alone.

omegasupreme

<----is a Texan. Feel free to hit me up.

Eliasson

Day trader- yes I keep in regular touch with my sponsor. I don't know why she didn't get back to me. I'm not making excuses, but I don't think you know my story. I also suffer from lupus, which in my case is debilitating, AND for the last 2 years my 17 yr old son has been battling brain cancer, AND I live with an actively drinking, emotionally abusive husband. Again,not an excuse, you are right I do need to find a way to make my program more of a priority. Until a few weeks ago, I did manage to stay sober for 7 months, and this slip was pretty minor and I eventful. I have 8 days now.

I have a found a new sponsor, someone I feel comfortable working the steps with. She is gentle with me, which is the kind of sponsoring I need, and I'm being better about attending meetings at every opportunity I can get. SR is a HUGE part of my recovery, too. The people here have carried me thru some really dark days and for that I am so so grateful.

miamifella

I am a little bit of an outside observer, but one thing I remember from my years in the program was that there was a whole range of expectations in regard to sponsors. None of my sponsors ever talked about what he or I was supposed to be doing and it was not until I came to sites like this that I learned about how different people's ideas were.

Some sponsors think they are there to just work the steps and do not want to hear about your personal crises as they happen. Others feel free to forbid you wear certain colors and tell you to move to a new apartment.

It is a matter of fit and I realize now that if I had been able to talk about expectations upfront, it would have relieved much anxiety.

sugarbear1

My sponsor set down guidelines in the beginning. As an alkie, I know how to subtly manipulate things in life to suit my needs/wants, so my sponsor was basically picked for me. My sponsor is not one of those "hard asses" but one who calmly discusses things, even when I am "called out" on my unsavory behavior!

Defined each of our roles. We agreed upon how many meeting I would commit to attending per week. Telephone calls were not daily calls, but on an as needed basis. Most of our discussions are in person.

We see each other one time a week and we have met this minus maybe 4 days due to other events in the past 10 months (that's a real commitment to sobriety and textbook study!).

Everything was discussed from the beginning. It's been working out nicely so far!

2granddaughters

Eliasson, perhaps you have the cart before the horse here. Your sponsor has years of experience and has helped to start a group. I would be asking her what you should be doing rather than telling her what she should be doing.
You want what she has? ... do what she did.

I usually found that when a person didn't live up to my expectations and everyone else in the group fell short as well.... that it was me that was the problem. Your case may be different .......

When I crawled into AA in 1989, the oldtimers didn't say "Oh, you poor man, what can we do to help you??!!".
They basically said to me to sit down, shut up and listen... they didn't want to hear from me because I didn't have anything concrete to add anyway.
To take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.

They were running the show, not me, and I decided to let them. (Remember, GOD works through people)

I know what some will say about being "comfortable" at a meeting, being "comfortable" with your sponsor. I'm an alcoholic and the ONLY time I feel comfortable is when I'm getting my own way. In reality, to grow in recovery I have had to feel severe discomfort at literally every step.... if I waited to feel comfortable before doing something, I wouldn't get anything done.

I remember in 1989 that there was another new guy with me and he was saying that his life sucked and he was going to go to the Ambassador Bridge ( I was in a recovery home in Windsor, Ontario across from Detroit MI. There is a large bridge joining the two cities/countries) and jump. I spent hours trying to talk him out of it and the harder I talked the more determined he got. Finally I had to go home, it was getting close to midnight and my wife was waiting up. I took my friend to one of the Recovery Home group leaders and said I had to go but could he help my friend who wanted to jump into the Detroit River. The group leader said "Sure, I'm off duty in 20 minutes and I'll give him a ride to the Bridge" .
i gasped for breath !! Oh, no !! What is happening ??!! What happened was the Group leader had looked my friend in the eye and called his alcoholic bluff that he had hung onto for hours..... in a few minutes the two were laughing and shaking hands, and my friend continued on in his sobriety.

Point is: Who did the most good that night? Me working my butt off doing what I believed was right for hours .. or the old, experienced leader who had things back on track in minutes??

I wish everyone the best.

Bob R

Eliasson

I understand and know there are lots of meetings that are still that way and lots of people for whom that approach works very well. For me, however, that is a no go. It's what kept me away from AA for the longest time. My self esteem is low enough, I beat myself up enough for 30 people, my whole life I've been told by abusive ex among others that my opinion doesn't count and I should just "sit down and shut up". I know I need to take the steps to work my own program, no one else can do it for me, and I don't expect nor do I want to be coddled. I'm just grateful my home group is encouraging, supportive, and believes every one of us in every stage of this journey has something to offer or share (tho ironically I rarely speak!). Anyway, I think I've found the perfect fit. I feel grateful and hopeful. Thanks to everyone for helping me work thru this issue! Now I just need to work up the courage to let my current sponsor know I am making a change. I really don't want to hurt her feelings

sugarbear1

Try some big book meetings and listen (hopefully) to the real solution!

Bets wishes,