The Silent Treatment
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The Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All
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Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does?
The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.
The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships. Let’s say with a husband and wife for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.
Cooling Off And Ostracizing Are Two Very Different Things
Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other.
There is a big difference between taking some time to cool down and outright ignoring the existence of the other person. The silent treatment would be more along the lines of you doing something that pisses someone off, they clue you in on it (or not), and then they don’t speak to you, acknowledge you or even make eye contact with you for sometimes days. No good.
To me, this is a form of torture. Nothing positive comes from this type of behavior. What makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? If you said the latter… you’re a dick.
When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.
When You Are On The Receiving End Of The Silent Treatment
It’s interesting to me that research has shown that woman and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Woman who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize where men…don’t. They just deal with it.
But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them. I find that pretty interesting.
I can say that I honestly don’t ever remember giving someone the silent treatment…not anyone that it would matter to anyway. I don’t think I have it in me to do that to someone. Why you ask? Because I’ve had it done to me, I know what it feels like and it totally sucks. I’m more the type of person that would like to blow up about something, probably say some things I don’t really mean, apologize for saying the things I don’t really mean and then move towards resolution. But hey…that’s just me.
I read this this morning on Kensavage.com. I think that many of us are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, I know when I was it was incredibly painful and devastating. It is definitely a power play. I will not miss this form of torture, and all the other forms of torture inflicted on me, yes I allowed it, but why anyone would treat another human being with such disreguard is so sad. That along with name calling, complaining, wanting, disrepect, lies, games, covering up, bye bye. Have a ball, down the dark hole you go.
These forms of torture are not even suitable for prisoners of war and are probably outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Put your human being costume on, if you still have it in your closet.
Bleh!!!!
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Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does?
The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.
The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships. Let’s say with a husband and wife for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.
Cooling Off And Ostracizing Are Two Very Different Things
Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other.
There is a big difference between taking some time to cool down and outright ignoring the existence of the other person. The silent treatment would be more along the lines of you doing something that pisses someone off, they clue you in on it (or not), and then they don’t speak to you, acknowledge you or even make eye contact with you for sometimes days. No good.
To me, this is a form of torture. Nothing positive comes from this type of behavior. What makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? If you said the latter… you’re a dick.
When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.
When You Are On The Receiving End Of The Silent Treatment
It’s interesting to me that research has shown that woman and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Woman who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize where men…don’t. They just deal with it.
But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them. I find that pretty interesting.
I can say that I honestly don’t ever remember giving someone the silent treatment…not anyone that it would matter to anyway. I don’t think I have it in me to do that to someone. Why you ask? Because I’ve had it done to me, I know what it feels like and it totally sucks. I’m more the type of person that would like to blow up about something, probably say some things I don’t really mean, apologize for saying the things I don’t really mean and then move towards resolution. But hey…that’s just me.
I read this this morning on Kensavage.com. I think that many of us are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, I know when I was it was incredibly painful and devastating. It is definitely a power play. I will not miss this form of torture, and all the other forms of torture inflicted on me, yes I allowed it, but why anyone would treat another human being with such disreguard is so sad. That along with name calling, complaining, wanting, disrepect, lies, games, covering up, bye bye. Have a ball, down the dark hole you go.
These forms of torture are not even suitable for prisoners of war and are probably outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Put your human being costume on, if you still have it in your closet.
Bleh!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
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I used to give my XAH the silent treatment because I learned that if you have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all, my silent treatment will last for a couple of weeks, he hated it with passion, the funny thing is that when he asked me for the divorce and left, he gave ME the silent - no contact treatment, over a year now and it does suck!!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
The thing is that the 'discussion' that is so healthy is simply impossible with an alcoholic. There is no way to resolve any issue in a satisfactory manner - or at least that was my experience. The conversation, and all its reasonableness and agreements and compromise and resolution was nothing more then a time filler because nothing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever changed. It was all so pointless - a game of pretend.
I didn't really do the silent treatment but I did a whole lot of just not talking, not sharing, not engaging. It was also pointless - such a charade. I'm sure it was painful for him but it is a good example of how invasive alcoholism is and how it makes everyone in the family so sick. Normal resolutions, normal relationship tools, none of that applies.
I didn't really do the silent treatment but I did a whole lot of just not talking, not sharing, not engaging. It was also pointless - such a charade. I'm sure it was painful for him but it is a good example of how invasive alcoholism is and how it makes everyone in the family so sick. Normal resolutions, normal relationship tools, none of that applies.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
The thing is that the 'discussion' that is so healthy is simply impossible with an alcoholic. There is no way to resolve any issue in a satisfactory manner - or at least that was my experience. The conversation, and all its reasonableness and agreements and compromise and resolution was nothing more then a time filler because nothing ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever changed. It was all so pointless - a game of pretend.
I didn't really do the silent treatment but I did a whole lot of just not talking, not sharing, not engaging. It was also pointless - such a charade. I'm sure it was painful for him but it is a good example of how invasive alcoholism is and how it makes everyone in the family so sick. Normal resolutions, normal relationship tools, none of that applies.
I didn't really do the silent treatment but I did a whole lot of just not talking, not sharing, not engaging. It was also pointless - such a charade. I'm sure it was painful for him but it is a good example of how invasive alcoholism is and how it makes everyone in the family so sick. Normal resolutions, normal relationship tools, none of that applies.
Whereas, my AH may think I am giving him the silent treatment now, I just don't have anything to say to him, nothing left to say. What is left to say or talk about when you've been heartbreaking hurt?
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Thanks for posting this. I have a lot of experience being on the receiving end of the cold shoulder. This was my AH's favorite trick. No yelling, no arguments, just.... nothing. Just silence. Short one-word answers to my questions. When I'd ask "what's wrong?" he'd just say "nothing."
This reminds me of something our counselor called "The Four Horsemen of Marriage." Stonewalling is one of them. He gave me the link to this article on it: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, adapted from John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" ~ Gudrun Zomerland, MFT
I can say that I experienced all four in my marriage once alcoholism took hold, but stonewalling was by far the worst.
This reminds me of something our counselor called "The Four Horsemen of Marriage." Stonewalling is one of them. He gave me the link to this article on it: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, adapted from John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" ~ Gudrun Zomerland, MFT
I can say that I experienced all four in my marriage once alcoholism took hold, but stonewalling was by far the worst.
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Thank you for that link. It was a good one. I can say for certain that I can stonewall. We did it to each other a lot as neither of us liked conflict and were big on avoiding. I was not at all upset with his stonewalling - all to fine with me.
It is very good for me to gain this kind of self awareness now so as I move forward I can be a healthier partner - maybe someday. No partners on the horizon for me right now!
It is very good for me to gain this kind of self awareness now so as I move forward I can be a healthier partner - maybe someday. No partners on the horizon for me right now!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
This topic hit home for me...as we all know, silent treatment isn't just reserved for A's...but gotta say from my experience with my RA, it is a major cause of problems in our relationship.
Was just on the receiving end of one of these reoccurring silent treatments, so it's freshly hurtful in my mind. In my experience, they cut deep and leave ugly scars that are so very detrimental to the relationship and the chance of it being successful. To me, these are HUGE, and a constant source of discomfort.
And, yes, gotta say that I do believe that even if we as women decided to give it right back to them, men don't seem to feel it as deeply as we do.
IMO, the heart of it is passive aggressiveness on the part of the A -- recovered or not. Does anyone else see this passive aggressiveness as being a common trait in relationships with them? And if so, what can one do to protect oneself from the hurts it ultimately causes? How is the best way to cope with it with an A or RA?
I am sooooo tired of being on the receiving end of these -- talking about it gets me nowhere, and eventually we are right back to the same. Ignoring it isn't helpful either.
The silent treatment sucks the life out of a relationship one breath at a time...it is awful.
Thank you for a great post
Was just on the receiving end of one of these reoccurring silent treatments, so it's freshly hurtful in my mind. In my experience, they cut deep and leave ugly scars that are so very detrimental to the relationship and the chance of it being successful. To me, these are HUGE, and a constant source of discomfort.
And, yes, gotta say that I do believe that even if we as women decided to give it right back to them, men don't seem to feel it as deeply as we do.
IMO, the heart of it is passive aggressiveness on the part of the A -- recovered or not. Does anyone else see this passive aggressiveness as being a common trait in relationships with them? And if so, what can one do to protect oneself from the hurts it ultimately causes? How is the best way to cope with it with an A or RA?
I am sooooo tired of being on the receiving end of these -- talking about it gets me nowhere, and eventually we are right back to the same. Ignoring it isn't helpful either.
The silent treatment sucks the life out of a relationship one breath at a time...it is awful.
Thank you for a great post
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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i never did the silent treatment...i got enough of it living at HOME...
did do cool off periods...my husband and i discussed this when calm...when he is outside in the garage...he is cooling down...when i am in the bath tub..i am cooling down...and you do need to digest what was all said.....i do this with my kids too...but tell them.."mommy needs to calm down, i am getting frustrated with too much information, lets all come back here with the stove alarm goes off..." sometimes it works, been using this since they where very young....
did do cool off periods...my husband and i discussed this when calm...when he is outside in the garage...he is cooling down...when i am in the bath tub..i am cooling down...and you do need to digest what was all said.....i do this with my kids too...but tell them.."mommy needs to calm down, i am getting frustrated with too much information, lets all come back here with the stove alarm goes off..." sometimes it works, been using this since they where very young....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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"The Silent Treatment" ------------great topic
My ex did this all the time. Except that it was intermittently mixed with rage. If he was upset, he just wouldn't talk. Nothing needed to even have happened. He would storm off into "his" room, and just sit in front of the tv. Sometimes it was on, sometimes when on, he would shut the volumn down, or sometimes he would just stare at the black screen. I knew that I would have to stay away then, so I would retreat to "my" room. If he heard a sound coming out of my room, he was right in there with me, and he would just stare at me, sorting like daring me to speak. If I spoke, the rage would start, and he would just start screaming at me, so I would hide in the garage.
Then he started to disappear, first time for 3 days, then they got longer and longer. He would not tell me where he was, nor would he answer his phone. I never knew when he would be back.
Whenever he did show up again, he would come home all happy and try to talk to me, and then get mad at me, because, what did he do now? According to him, we didn't even speak for a few days, weeks, or however long, so we are not even fighting, so why am I so p1ssed?
I did use my time in the garage as a "cooling off" period, but sometimes that meant that I stayed in there for days, even sleeping in the car.
I was always accused of giving him the silent treatment when I brought it up, but, I don't know how I could have not given him the silent treatment. Trying to talk to him, set off the rage.
BTW, I did think my ex also had some mental issues. Just thinking of how I lived, makes me shake.
My ex did this all the time. Except that it was intermittently mixed with rage. If he was upset, he just wouldn't talk. Nothing needed to even have happened. He would storm off into "his" room, and just sit in front of the tv. Sometimes it was on, sometimes when on, he would shut the volumn down, or sometimes he would just stare at the black screen. I knew that I would have to stay away then, so I would retreat to "my" room. If he heard a sound coming out of my room, he was right in there with me, and he would just stare at me, sorting like daring me to speak. If I spoke, the rage would start, and he would just start screaming at me, so I would hide in the garage.
Then he started to disappear, first time for 3 days, then they got longer and longer. He would not tell me where he was, nor would he answer his phone. I never knew when he would be back.
Whenever he did show up again, he would come home all happy and try to talk to me, and then get mad at me, because, what did he do now? According to him, we didn't even speak for a few days, weeks, or however long, so we are not even fighting, so why am I so p1ssed?
I did use my time in the garage as a "cooling off" period, but sometimes that meant that I stayed in there for days, even sleeping in the car.
I was always accused of giving him the silent treatment when I brought it up, but, I don't know how I could have not given him the silent treatment. Trying to talk to him, set off the rage.
BTW, I did think my ex also had some mental issues. Just thinking of how I lived, makes me shake.
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This was one of AXH's favorite forms of punishment for me. I could stand between him and the TV and ask him anything - How was your day? Can we go to the park today? or even more provocative questions like: Why'd you lose THIS job? - and he'd just sit there and watch TV 'through' me.
He was always saying I NEVER initiated intimacy, but when I tried, I could sit next to him or god, even on his lap, and try to talk to him and he'd just sit there, like I didn't exist. I'd pick up his arm to put it around my shoulder and he'd leave it there for a short while, and then move it away from me, like the reverse of the silly scene of a boy stretching to put his arm around a girl, only like I wasn't there.
I wish the courts who laud emotional abusers for never raising a hand against their victims would read this article. But then again... that may not help, because r-pe inside a marriage was just down played to differing levels of interest....
He was always saying I NEVER initiated intimacy, but when I tried, I could sit next to him or god, even on his lap, and try to talk to him and he'd just sit there, like I didn't exist. I'd pick up his arm to put it around my shoulder and he'd leave it there for a short while, and then move it away from me, like the reverse of the silly scene of a boy stretching to put his arm around a girl, only like I wasn't there.
I wish the courts who laud emotional abusers for never raising a hand against their victims would read this article. But then again... that may not help, because r-pe inside a marriage was just down played to differing levels of interest....
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