Confront or Ignore?
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Confront or Ignore?
I asked for a little help to confirm what I thought about my fiance another thread.
I've confirmed things for myself and now know without a doubt he cannot be honest with me or himself. He is not in recovery, sobriety, abstinence, or even in true acknowledgement that he has a problem.
Do you confront the alcoholic with their lies or do you ignore them? Do you hold them accountable for their dishonesty or do you go on about your business as though nothing ever happened? How do you handle it when you know you've been lied to?
I've confirmed things for myself and now know without a doubt he cannot be honest with me or himself. He is not in recovery, sobriety, abstinence, or even in true acknowledgement that he has a problem.
Do you confront the alcoholic with their lies or do you ignore them? Do you hold them accountable for their dishonesty or do you go on about your business as though nothing ever happened? How do you handle it when you know you've been lied to?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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hi.. 
through my experience when you confront an alcohol with drink on them, isnt the best time at all, i think it just starts more arguements.
Maybe wait till he is any way kind of sober and confront then.
hope this helps
through my experience when you confront an alcohol with drink on them, isnt the best time at all, i think it just starts more arguements.
Maybe wait till he is any way kind of sober and confront then.
hope this helps
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If it's your fiancé, ignoring it would mean continuing to be engaged to a person who is an addict and a liar. That doesn't sound like something I'd want to do.
But I also wouldn't confront the person hoping for anything - like apologies or changed behavior.
I think I would simply make upy mind about what I wanted for my life and do it. Calmly explain that I'm going my separate way because addiction issues are not part of my dreams and goals in life, wish him the best, and break off the engagement.
But that's what I would do, with the experience of 20 years with an alcoholic. There are more ways than one to skin a cat.
I find that when I tried to confront my A, I always did it hoping I could talk some sense into him, or make him understand that he was about to lose me and decide I was too important to him and get into rehab and recovery. That never happened. I've heard about it happening to others, but in my case, I might as well have argued with a diabetic hoping he'd start producing more insulin.
This disease of addiction eats people alive and you might not get the response you hope for by a confrontation. You might only be talking to the disease.
But I also wouldn't confront the person hoping for anything - like apologies or changed behavior.
I think I would simply make upy mind about what I wanted for my life and do it. Calmly explain that I'm going my separate way because addiction issues are not part of my dreams and goals in life, wish him the best, and break off the engagement.
But that's what I would do, with the experience of 20 years with an alcoholic. There are more ways than one to skin a cat.
I find that when I tried to confront my A, I always did it hoping I could talk some sense into him, or make him understand that he was about to lose me and decide I was too important to him and get into rehab and recovery. That never happened. I've heard about it happening to others, but in my case, I might as well have argued with a diabetic hoping he'd start producing more insulin.
This disease of addiction eats people alive and you might not get the response you hope for by a confrontation. You might only be talking to the disease.
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Thank you cheryl. I wasn't intending to confront him when he's been drinking. That wouldn't do any good anyway. He'd probably never remember it.
Here's the scenario:
We are in a long distance relationship. I flew to see him this weekend and told him that I cannot marry his potential. I have to marry who he is now and that I can't marry someone who drinks and lies and is dishonest. He's always telling me things will be better when we're together. He only drinks because we're apart/he's depressed/he's lonely/he's bored(insert any old reason here).
I did, perhaps, a not-so-good thing. He had told me he'd given up hard liquor. He left his flat to go to the store, so I had a peek around in his kitchen cabinets. I found two empty liquor bottles stashed to the back of a cabinet. I found nothing else. I wrote it off in my head, saying to myself, "this could be old".
We hashed everything out about his needing to earn my trust back. He took it all, again, like a man. I told him he needed to be himself and asked him to promise me not to hide things from me. I put it all out there. I told him that he deserves to be with a person who can accept him for who he is and asked him why he'd want to be with anyone he'd need to hide any part of himself from. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. I need to make the decision of whether or not I want to be with him based on all the information, not half truths. I explained to him that it's more than just about the drinking, it's about being able to trust him and about honesty. He agreed.
We proceeded to have a pretty lovely weekend. He had a beer or two each day, which I said nothing about. I'm not his keeper. Then on Tuesday he had the equivalent of about 11 beers. I wasn't happy about that, but still said nothing about it. I'm not his beer keeper. I don't control him. He also got a bit agitated because I came into the kitchen where he was washing up some dishes to ask if he'd like some help. He snapped at me to go sit down and relax.
I got up Wednesday morning to make coffee as I had to make a 6 am flight. I opened the cabinet to find a pint of vodka, opened, mostly consumed. I didn't say anything about that either. When I was finally able to wake him to take me to the airport I did, however, walk back into the kitchen to make myself some toast. He wanted to shew me out again. I opened the cabinet and asked if he had any jelly or something to put on the toast. His eyes darted between me and the bottle, me and the bottle. And he shewed me away to make the toast himself.
Now, I noted how much was in the bottle. It was a pint bottle and if the held three fingers sideways that's about how much was left. After he got dressed he went to brush his teeth and I decided to go back into the kitchen to put my coffee cup away and couldn't help myself. I opened the cabinet again. There was barely enough to cover the bottom of the bottle left. He'd had some while he was making my toast. I guess since I didn't say anything he thought I hadn't noticed.
On the way to the airport I was fairly quiet. He asked me to talk to him. So I asked him why he'd shooed me out of the kitchen the past two days. He said, "Oh it's my nerves. You know I flap around like a bird. My kitchen is so small and I didn't want you to see the inside of my microwave and the pan I was going to cook your bacon in, that's all." I said, "Are you really, really sure you didn't do that so I wouldn't see the bottle of vodka in your cabinet?" To which he replied, "That's been there for ages."
I went all quiet again. I got on the plane and thought about it all the way home. I will be ending this relationship. I just wondered if I should even confront the fact that, not only was he drinking, he lied to me. That pretty much makes this thing over for me, but I need to pick my timing.
Here's the scenario:
We are in a long distance relationship. I flew to see him this weekend and told him that I cannot marry his potential. I have to marry who he is now and that I can't marry someone who drinks and lies and is dishonest. He's always telling me things will be better when we're together. He only drinks because we're apart/he's depressed/he's lonely/he's bored(insert any old reason here).
I did, perhaps, a not-so-good thing. He had told me he'd given up hard liquor. He left his flat to go to the store, so I had a peek around in his kitchen cabinets. I found two empty liquor bottles stashed to the back of a cabinet. I found nothing else. I wrote it off in my head, saying to myself, "this could be old".
We hashed everything out about his needing to earn my trust back. He took it all, again, like a man. I told him he needed to be himself and asked him to promise me not to hide things from me. I put it all out there. I told him that he deserves to be with a person who can accept him for who he is and asked him why he'd want to be with anyone he'd need to hide any part of himself from. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. I need to make the decision of whether or not I want to be with him based on all the information, not half truths. I explained to him that it's more than just about the drinking, it's about being able to trust him and about honesty. He agreed.
We proceeded to have a pretty lovely weekend. He had a beer or two each day, which I said nothing about. I'm not his keeper. Then on Tuesday he had the equivalent of about 11 beers. I wasn't happy about that, but still said nothing about it. I'm not his beer keeper. I don't control him. He also got a bit agitated because I came into the kitchen where he was washing up some dishes to ask if he'd like some help. He snapped at me to go sit down and relax.
I got up Wednesday morning to make coffee as I had to make a 6 am flight. I opened the cabinet to find a pint of vodka, opened, mostly consumed. I didn't say anything about that either. When I was finally able to wake him to take me to the airport I did, however, walk back into the kitchen to make myself some toast. He wanted to shew me out again. I opened the cabinet and asked if he had any jelly or something to put on the toast. His eyes darted between me and the bottle, me and the bottle. And he shewed me away to make the toast himself.
Now, I noted how much was in the bottle. It was a pint bottle and if the held three fingers sideways that's about how much was left. After he got dressed he went to brush his teeth and I decided to go back into the kitchen to put my coffee cup away and couldn't help myself. I opened the cabinet again. There was barely enough to cover the bottom of the bottle left. He'd had some while he was making my toast. I guess since I didn't say anything he thought I hadn't noticed.
On the way to the airport I was fairly quiet. He asked me to talk to him. So I asked him why he'd shooed me out of the kitchen the past two days. He said, "Oh it's my nerves. You know I flap around like a bird. My kitchen is so small and I didn't want you to see the inside of my microwave and the pan I was going to cook your bacon in, that's all." I said, "Are you really, really sure you didn't do that so I wouldn't see the bottle of vodka in your cabinet?" To which he replied, "That's been there for ages."
I went all quiet again. I got on the plane and thought about it all the way home. I will be ending this relationship. I just wondered if I should even confront the fact that, not only was he drinking, he lied to me. That pretty much makes this thing over for me, but I need to pick my timing.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
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ahh ok i understand your senario better now. Im Happy for you that you have come to a decision to end your relationship. The long distance relationship was a gain for your fiance, as he could drink happily in his house with no one to answer to or hide it from. so i think this is why he hid and also lied to you about the vodka, because you could never tell over the phone how much he had, and was he lying to you about it.
Your timing is when you feel ready to do this, this is for both of you but you need to be selfish and think about your self
hugs for support.
Your timing is when you feel ready to do this, this is for both of you but you need to be selfish and think about your self
hugs for support.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
If it's your fiancé, ignoring it would mean continuing to be engaged to a person who is an addict and a liar. That doesn't sound like something I'd want to do.
But I also wouldn't confront the person hoping for anything - like apologies or changed behavior.
I think I would simply make upy mind about what I wanted for my life and do it. Calmly explain that I'm going my separate way because addiction issues are not part of my dreams and goals in life, wish him the best, and break off the engagement.
But I also wouldn't confront the person hoping for anything - like apologies or changed behavior.
I think I would simply make upy mind about what I wanted for my life and do it. Calmly explain that I'm going my separate way because addiction issues are not part of my dreams and goals in life, wish him the best, and break off the engagement.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Originally Posted by upintheair
I'd already decided on my plane ride home that I was going to end it, though I realize now I didn't put that in my first post. I just didn't know if I should say that I know he's addicted, even though he's in denial, and that he's a liar and that I can't be with him or be more gentle about it. Ugh!
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Confronting my xah never got me anything but another circular, frustrating, conversation.
Besides - I think you've already had the conversation. He's not going to own it and confronting him again won't change that. You are not going to get validation from him. Come here for that, see a counselor, attend al-anon, speak with friends, whatever works for you, but waiting for validation from an alcoholic will keep you stuck in a very painful place.
I flew to see him this weekend and told him that I cannot marry his potential. I have to marry who he is now and that I can't marry someone who drinks and lies and is dishonest.
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'He's kind, gentle, funny, sincere, thoughtful, attentive and a really good listener.'
He does seem to have his good points.
He's not close to getting sober, but since you're doing a long distance thing anyway why not reduce his status in your mind to no more than a fun occasional date. Then if something better comes along of more use to you it'll be easy to write him off and until then you can still use him for some companionship and good times. Surely you've been in dating relationships with men you didn't intend to marry before.
He does seem to have his good points.
He's not close to getting sober, but since you're doing a long distance thing anyway why not reduce his status in your mind to no more than a fun occasional date. Then if something better comes along of more use to you it'll be easy to write him off and until then you can still use him for some companionship and good times. Surely you've been in dating relationships with men you didn't intend to marry before.
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Originally Posted by langkah
'He's kind, gentle, funny, sincere, thoughtful, attentive and a really good listener.'
He does seem to have his good points.
He's not close to getting sober, but since you're doing a long distance thing anyway why not reduce his status in your mind to no more than a fun occasional date. Then if something better comes along of more use to you it'll be easy to write him off and until then you can still use him for some companionship and good times. Surely you've been in dating relationships with men you didn't intend to marry before.
He does seem to have his good points.
He's not close to getting sober, but since you're doing a long distance thing anyway why not reduce his status in your mind to no more than a fun occasional date. Then if something better comes along of more use to you it'll be easy to write him off and until then you can still use him for some companionship and good times. Surely you've been in dating relationships with men you didn't intend to marry before.
If he didn't have his good points there would have been nothing to attract me to him in the first place. Are you insinuating that all I've been in this relationship for is to use him? It isn't easy to write him off at all.
No matter what he has or hasn't done I do realize he's a real person with real feelings, after all.In fact, I haven't been in a relationship with men I didn't intend to marry before. I was married for 20 years to my highschool sweetheart and after my divorce I met my current fiance.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
Confronting my xah never got me anything but another circular, frustrating, conversation.
Besides - I think you've already had the conversation. He's not going to own it and confronting him again won't change that. You are not going to get validation from him. Come here for that, see a counselor, attend al-anon, speak with friends, whatever works for you, but waiting for validation from an alcoholic will keep you stuck in a very painful place.
Besides - I think you've already had the conversation. He's not going to own it and confronting him again won't change that. You are not going to get validation from him. Come here for that, see a counselor, attend al-anon, speak with friends, whatever works for you, but waiting for validation from an alcoholic will keep you stuck in a very painful place.
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He is an alcoholic. Alcoholic's don't have relationships, they take hostages. Active alcoholics lie, all of them. Active alcoholic drink, all of them. Active alcoholics don't care who they hurt all they care about is their next drink, all of them.
Active alcoholics have gone feral, they live a day to day life and all that matters is their drinking. All of them.
You may have a relationship with him but he is incapable of having a relationship with you. He doesn't have feelings the same way you or I do. Alcohol has changed the way they feel and think.
It took me a long time being married to an alcoholic to figure this out. They live to drink, period. Everything else is secondary.
Sorry to be so blunt but that is the way it is.
Your friend,
Active alcoholics have gone feral, they live a day to day life and all that matters is their drinking. All of them.
You may have a relationship with him but he is incapable of having a relationship with you. He doesn't have feelings the same way you or I do. Alcohol has changed the way they feel and think.
It took me a long time being married to an alcoholic to figure this out. They live to drink, period. Everything else is secondary.
Sorry to be so blunt but that is the way it is.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I have no real advice to give you as I am new to this too but I thought I would share a bit of my story (if that helps).
I met my XABF last summer. I was attracted to him because of his sense of humour, nobody could make me laugh like he could. He drank a little bit at first but nothing serious, maybe a glass or two of wine one or two nights a week when we would go out for dinner or watch a movie. But I wasn’t with him every night of the week at first, and I slowly started noticing that he would be slurring his words when we talked on the telephone most evenings. Of course I ignored the red flags because I hadn’t actually fallen for him (yet) and I told myself this was just fun and I could walk away at anytime.
Things from there progressed quite quickly and before I knew it I had indeed fallen for him. Looking back now I think he is co-dependent too because he wanted to be with me all the time and I found myself spending way too much time with him (even though I didn’t always want to). I found myself slowly isolating myself from my friends/family.
I soon saw with my own eyes that he drank most evenings of the week and binged on weekends. I broke up with him New Years Day after watching him binge away the holidays and I was embarrassed of his drinking at this point. However, I took him back when he told me he would quit drinking for me wow I was thrilled, I thought he must really love me, he is willing to quit drinking for me! (How silly of me to fall for that BS).
He lasted a month of not drinking (no program etc) and he started drinking again early February, he said he would only drink once a month, well that didn’t last long and he is now right back to where he was before. I finally broke up with him for good about a week ago when I realized that his addiction is bigger than what I am capable of dealing with and my happiness and peace of mind are just too damn important to me to continue this relationship.
Sure, I miss him but I don’t miss the stress of monitoring his drinking and all the crazy thinking that goes along with it. I am just thinking about ME now and what I want, something I haven’t done since I met him last year
I have realized now without a doubt that this is the best choice for me and my daughter. He is NOT going to change unless HE wants to change and even if he does come to the realization that he has a problem he has a long road of recovery ahead of him.
I haven't really told him the REAL reasons I have left him except to say that I deserve more (he already knows how I feel about the drinking and hasn't made any real changes so I am done trying to explain it to him), I also know if i keep engaging with him in conversation (texts emails trying to explain my points), it will just continue the cycle of lies, bs and broken promises and prolong the inevitable hurt that is all that will come out of this relationship in the end. No more contact = no more hurts.
Thank you SR for helping me come to these realizations. Please keep coming here, it has helped me tremendously.
I met my XABF last summer. I was attracted to him because of his sense of humour, nobody could make me laugh like he could. He drank a little bit at first but nothing serious, maybe a glass or two of wine one or two nights a week when we would go out for dinner or watch a movie. But I wasn’t with him every night of the week at first, and I slowly started noticing that he would be slurring his words when we talked on the telephone most evenings. Of course I ignored the red flags because I hadn’t actually fallen for him (yet) and I told myself this was just fun and I could walk away at anytime.
Things from there progressed quite quickly and before I knew it I had indeed fallen for him. Looking back now I think he is co-dependent too because he wanted to be with me all the time and I found myself spending way too much time with him (even though I didn’t always want to). I found myself slowly isolating myself from my friends/family.
I soon saw with my own eyes that he drank most evenings of the week and binged on weekends. I broke up with him New Years Day after watching him binge away the holidays and I was embarrassed of his drinking at this point. However, I took him back when he told me he would quit drinking for me wow I was thrilled, I thought he must really love me, he is willing to quit drinking for me! (How silly of me to fall for that BS).
He lasted a month of not drinking (no program etc) and he started drinking again early February, he said he would only drink once a month, well that didn’t last long and he is now right back to where he was before. I finally broke up with him for good about a week ago when I realized that his addiction is bigger than what I am capable of dealing with and my happiness and peace of mind are just too damn important to me to continue this relationship.
Sure, I miss him but I don’t miss the stress of monitoring his drinking and all the crazy thinking that goes along with it. I am just thinking about ME now and what I want, something I haven’t done since I met him last year
I have realized now without a doubt that this is the best choice for me and my daughter. He is NOT going to change unless HE wants to change and even if he does come to the realization that he has a problem he has a long road of recovery ahead of him.
I haven't really told him the REAL reasons I have left him except to say that I deserve more (he already knows how I feel about the drinking and hasn't made any real changes so I am done trying to explain it to him), I also know if i keep engaging with him in conversation (texts emails trying to explain my points), it will just continue the cycle of lies, bs and broken promises and prolong the inevitable hurt that is all that will come out of this relationship in the end. No more contact = no more hurts.
Thank you SR for helping me come to these realizations. Please keep coming here, it has helped me tremendously.
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I am so hurt, confused and angry! I want so badly to tell him to kiss it where the sun doesn't shine. I want to tell him to just get lost, take a hike, pound the pavement! I know that's what I should do.
I'm hurt because...well...another lie, another promise broken.
I'm confused because...well...how can I still love someone who keeps lying and breaking promises?
I'm angry because I still love him and I want so much to believe that he will keep his promise this time. I'm angry because I've been here and done this with an abuser. For twenty freakin' years. There would be an episode, I'd forgive, and then when it didn't happen for a while I'd let my guard down. Then it would happen again and I'd be just as shocked as I was the first time. And here I am again. Hoping.
Dammit, what is wrong with me?
I'm hurt because...well...another lie, another promise broken.
I'm confused because...well...how can I still love someone who keeps lying and breaking promises?
I'm angry because I still love him and I want so much to believe that he will keep his promise this time. I'm angry because I've been here and done this with an abuser. For twenty freakin' years. There would be an episode, I'd forgive, and then when it didn't happen for a while I'd let my guard down. Then it would happen again and I'd be just as shocked as I was the first time. And here I am again. Hoping.
Dammit, what is wrong with me?
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He's an alcoholic. He lies. End of story.
I could put a gun to my AH's head and demand TRUTH about his drinking, and he'd still lie and look me in the eyes while doing it.
Expect lying constantly with an alcoholic. About everything. If you can live with that, OK. If not, I suggest you move on and don't look back.
He doesn't love you. He loves his vodka. His vodka is his wife, mistress, best friend and lover all rolled into one and he will go to the ends of the earth to protect his relationship with her.
You are in love not with him but a fantasy. I say this with a lot of caring, as I've just left a marriage of 16 years and finally had to face all this myself.
I could put a gun to my AH's head and demand TRUTH about his drinking, and he'd still lie and look me in the eyes while doing it.
Expect lying constantly with an alcoholic. About everything. If you can live with that, OK. If not, I suggest you move on and don't look back.
He doesn't love you. He loves his vodka. His vodka is his wife, mistress, best friend and lover all rolled into one and he will go to the ends of the earth to protect his relationship with her.
You are in love not with him but a fantasy. I say this with a lot of caring, as I've just left a marriage of 16 years and finally had to face all this myself.
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Originally Posted by fedup3
Do you go to Al-Anon? It will help you understand why your'e going through this same situation again.
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I find that when I tried to confront my A, I always did it hoping I could talk some sense into him, or make him understand that he was about to lose me and decide I was too important to him and get into rehab and recovery. That never happened. I've heard about it happening to others, but in my case, I might as well have argued with a diabetic hoping he'd start producing more insulin.
Upintheair, one of the hardest things for me to learn is that my husband wasn't being an alcoholic at me, he was just being an alcoholic. I and my needs and requirements and expectations were interfering with his drinking, so he would say and do whatever would tide me over until he got his next drink. Yes, it hurt me, but it wasn't about me.
The key for me was to change my expectations and set some limits. We are married and live together, so when he was supposedly not drinking (his early "recovery" days were actually just serious hiding days, and I heard a lot of "oh, this bottle must be old" and "I gave up hard liquor, I just had a beer!"), the rule was drink if you must, but you don't live here with me and the kids anymore because you're dangerous and I can't trust you when you're drinking. The hard part was sticking to it.
The good thing is that these boundaries get easier to maintain the longer you've had them. You have the opportunity to break up with him and stay broken up due to the distance between you. If this were my situation, I would cut my losses and consider this a serious bullet dodged. You will probably waver and wonder whether you did the right thing, but I'll tell you that if I knew then what I know now, I never would have married him. It sounds harsh, but trying to plan and live your everyday life with an alcoholic is harsher.
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