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I'm Not Going To Make It....

Old 03-29-2012, 02:28 AM
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I'm Not Going To Make It....

...and I will tell you why. I'm not trying to illicit sympathy or talk me out of it. I don't see the point at this stage of my life. I am 60 years old. The last quarter of my miserable life. I knew it was going to be miserable sitting in the back seat of my Father's Oldsmobile. I was 8 years old. They were both alcoholics. My Mother being the worst. He was her enabler. She was diagnosed with cirrohsis of the liver in her early 30's and told she could not drink anymore. In and out of the hospital for years. My Father would still bring her the Imperial whiskey to drink. I hate him for that. She hated me for constantly watching her. I took that responsibility very young. I would watch her sneak drink and when she caught me she beat me. I didn't want her to die. Finally, the end was here and my Father and Brother were clueless or stupid. She was all yellow. The whites of her eyes, her skin, even her scalp. I was so depressed and knew this was it. She was hallucinaing badly. Calling the police on my brother. It is an ugly way to die. I was the only one in the room with her when she died. The last thing she said was... "look at the kittens." "Do you see the kittens?" She took her last gurgling breath and was gone. Anyway, sadly she passed in her early 40's. My life changed forever.

Today, I am taking the only thing I have of hers. Her sterling silver set to pawn. I'm broke. I can't feed my dogs, cats, chicken, or parrots. They are all I live for now.

I remember saying that I would never become my Mother. However, here I am just like her. I hated the sound of ice in a glass. My Father would climb the stair to the bedroom many times a night refilling their glasses. Just the sound of ice in a glass made me nuts. I said I would never drink like that. I was 16 years old.

I remember the exact time that I started to drink daily from morning to night. It was the night of Ground Hogs Day in 2007. That is when an F5 tornado destroyed my house, my barn, all of my fences, took down 100 year old trees and left me with nothing. My miniature horses were in their stalls when it hit. They lived but were hurt with daggers, flying missels, etc. They were terrified, as we all were.

My bigges worry was my Great Pyrenees ran away. He was all I was concerned about. I had to find him first. I put posters up. Called every Humane Society within 100 miles. I walked endlessly looking for him. Then my BFF's daughter saw him standing in the median of a huge hwy. and never stopped to get him. I'm done with her too. Once again strangers came to my aid. A young family with lots of children and a small house took "Big" in.
I will never forget them and gave them as much money as I had in appreciation. He is not the same dog to this day. As I am not the same person either. I had to give away my horses. They were not safe with all the boards and nails and I had no barn or fences left. I just finished putting up all new board pretty fencing.

Well, the night of the storm I was sleeping on the couch in the living room and POS husband was in the master bedroom. I knew it was coming I could feel the pressure. The lightening was non-stop. It was 3:00 in the morning. I fell off the couch and crawled screaming his name for help as trees are crashing through the roof and windows are breaking all over the place. I crawled to the guest bathroom where there is a stupid skylight. Well, that broke and trees and all kinds of stuff were crashing in on me and the dogs. Puppies too. He did absolutely nothing. After it was gone. I couldn't walk because I was shaking too badly. I finally stood up in the dark and fumbled to the bedroom where he was still lying on the bed with rain pouring on top of him. I said "I think a tornado just hit us" he said "You are crazy that was just a hail storm". And so, with that I went to the kitchen lit a candle opened the refrigerator and started drinking beer non-stop ever since then.

When the electricity came back on. The power company just rig it up temporarily. I was able to take a shower. I came out feeling better and I found that he had locked me in the bedroom. I looked out where the window used to be and saw him leaving. He never came back. He left me with this huge unbelievalbe mess to clean up all by myself. Huge trees crashed down with their root base that was at least 6ft tall all over my 5 acres.

I was and am still so depressed over all of this. How could he do that? What kind of monster does something like that.

I just kept on drinking and drinking and more drinking until 15 days ago.

But, I don't see the point. I guess my fate is that of my Mother's. As today I will pawn her silver.

Sorry, but it felt good to get this off my chest.

Muffin.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:47 AM
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Your not your Mum.
15 days is still really early a difficult time, but fantastic for you.
Keep going if you fail ......Start again and keep on starting. Plan what you want.
Somewhere comfy to live and a few animals to keep . Sounds fantastic.
Your life must be about what we have now and what we can make for our future.
Good luck John.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:49 AM
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I'm sorry for your struggles and I'm sorry you feel that way Muffin - I really hope you'll change your mind though....

My life's been pretty hard in a lot of ways too - I was born disabled and, frankly, life's been more or less a constant struggle in one way or another.....

I used that as a reason to drink for many years too - but drinking made nothing better, not really.

What did make things better was not drinking, working hard on making my life what I wanted it to be, and a little faith and patience.

The last 5 years of my life since I gave up drinking have been amazing - even in the bad times, and there's been a few of those.

My life's not much better materially - but in those intangible ways (like how I feel about myself, and how I see the world and in just plain being happy for the first time in my adult life) - it's been a seismic shift.

I really hope you give yourself the chance to experience that too

Noones doomed - and it's never ever too late

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Old 03-29-2012, 02:53 AM
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You know Muffin...It sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be for a reason...And I don't think that reason is dying the way your mother did...I think that reason is to show your mother there is a way out of this insanity....Find that way...And follow it.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:55 AM
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Muffin I'll soon be 58 and have 1 year 9 months soberiety. In the beginning I said things like what's the use I'm 57, over-the-hill, doesn't rallly matter anyway. I sometimes still think thoughts but not as much as when I deciced to stop using. I was at a near squalid poverty level of existince till just a month ago. Now I've got this new high paying job and all is good. It's getting better by the minute for me. If I were to go back using I would probably drink myself to death. If you know in your heart that alcohol is a bad problem in your life, then please quit. It was hard for me in the beginning, but you can do it. SR is an excellent place to find help. Thanks for the thread.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:58 AM
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I think redemption is always possible even in hour last days. You have done it tough and your survival is a testament to your strength.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:03 AM
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Sorry about your mom but you can change that. Even though your 60 years old there is a lot of programs out there to help you out. it's hard to face let go of the pass but if you don't then you will be stood to it. Remember the good times of your mom and move on from it. Life is hard which you already know but you can get through it with a smile. A lot of people do. Stick to it and you can make it. I'm 29 and still have trouble staying sober. It's not fun but I hope I stop it too. Good luck and stay with SR.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:53 AM
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It sounds like you love your mother very much. It also sounds like you felt powerless to help her. My mother recently died of lung cancer from smoking and even when she knew it was killing her she continued to smoke till the end. She told me to quit smoking because she couldn't bare for me to go through the same pain that she was going through. Addiction is hard, I still smoke even after watching my best friend die from it. I have cut down on smoking a lot because I want to stop this cycle. I know how proud my mother would be of me if I stopped.
It also sounds like you are very hurt to have to give the last of your mothers belongings away bit maybe you can look at it as a gift from her to you, you know she wants you well and the silver maybe her way of helping you through this financially.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:55 AM
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A friend of mine got serious about getting sober at 65, did the stuff that works and hasn't drank for the last 14 years.

What you wrote is a long rationalization to drink again, that you're the victim of your childhood and parents and the weather and therefore must drink and only you can understand what you went through and it's easy for others to stay sober who didn't have your tough life.

Lot's of sober folk would have once killed to have your easier childhood and life instead of theirs, even with the falling 6 ft trees.

It's never too late until it is too late. You're able to go to the pawn shop and conduct business, so you're able to go get some effective help but to this point have chosen not to.

I don't understand completely your attraction to continued drinking and suffering but that's your choice to make. It would be better if you're more upfront with yourself about turning your back on living a better and happier life because you think you want to continue making yourself miserable. It's not about hearing ice tinkle and downed trees at all. Without a solution you'll do what you have to do, like any other alcoholic.

What you want to do is to convince others it makes sense when it makes no sense at all, and you well know that deep inside. The thin veneer of rationalization you're offering is transparent even to you after all this time, and certainly is to others.
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Old 03-29-2012, 04:10 AM
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I've seen people at a later stage of life than 60 get sober, from being in a very severe situation. I guess they reached the point where they got the realization, enough was enough. You know first hand how the end stage of this is, as you say it's not pretty. I'm sorry you've had your pain and struggles, I had many in my early life but had a lot of therapy work to make peace with it the best that I could, and to live more fully in the present. You would know that you're the one that has to do it, but you're not alone in this and there are people out there who do care and are willing to help.
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Old 03-29-2012, 04:10 AM
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I feel for you, so sorry for all you have been through,I know how it is to have two a parents. i was sort of struck by the last words of your mom to you-see the kittens. she did not curse, or ask for a drink, or strike out, she showed that she felt tenderness, and caring in her heart. and wanted to share that sweetness with you.

I am 60 also. and have not even a silver set to pawn, but i would also, if it was to feed my critters. what will they do without you? what will this world do if you are not here, to be the one and only you that we have? i feel you survived for a reason, and you sound like a strong woman, who is very down and sad. I hope that you will live your life to the best of your ability, find an aa meeting, and make some aquaintances to help you through. i think that we help each other so much, that no one can do it alone, not as well anyway.
hang in there, you are doing it, but this is a rough time. life is about the good and bad times, and making it through. you have a lot to share, and a lot of experience that will help others. thank you for sharing.
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Old 03-29-2012, 04:38 AM
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muffin, I'm 67. I too felt like it was over, it was no use in the beginning.
Are you going to AA?
Send me a PM if you want, we can talk. I'm going to a morning meeting but I'll be back at lunch time.
It's God's will when my time is up.. not mine.

Bob R.
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Old 03-29-2012, 04:54 AM
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muffinyou have 15sober days fantastic,you need never drink again.


My Mother was an Alcoholic,she developed a wet brain before she died,I know many sober people who had Alcoholic parents.I was 55 when I got sober,I have a friend who was 78,he has had 20 sober years and still going strong.


Early recovery is not easy but has to be got through without taking a drink,then it gets better.

I wish you well.
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Old 03-29-2012, 05:06 AM
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If you want to waste the rest of your life drinking that is your choice. If you have no desire to change then of course you're not going to make it.
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Old 03-29-2012, 05:12 AM
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Muffin, I am so sorry for all the horrors

You know being drunk isn't going to help. Your animals depend on you, you need to be sober. If you have nothing, there normally are ways to get the food you need for your animals for free from humane agencies. It takes effort and calls but I know you can do that today. You need to be sober to do it.

You are not your mother. I know you are very depressed and all this must seem insurmountable, but one tiny step at a time you can change your future. Really, a new ending to your story can begin right now.

I know you have a huge heart. Please don't give up. Giving up right before things can start to get better? I don't think so. We are all here for you and there is help. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 03-29-2012, 06:02 AM
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It's never too late! You can stay stopped!

Do you have a program of recovery? Lots of help is available.

Stay stopped, YOU are worth it!
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Old 03-29-2012, 06:25 AM
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A student asked Soen Nakagawa: “Master, I am very discouraged. What should I do?”
Soen replied: “Encourage others”

my life has many challenges. A few have even told me " i could never endure what you have endured" It is not so easy to explain that it is not so much endurance as it is Acceptance. And that , like any work of art, my life has to have contrast- the Darkness as well as the Light.

In those recovery rooms [i do AA/NA] i hear our stories. In my 16 yrs in recovery, i see those stories work out on ways none of us would have dreamt... my own story is still very much a work of art in progress. My recovery has brought me peace - the ability , as the sage said : "To remain in the center, Watching"

i wish you a quiet mind....
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:14 AM
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Muffin - I know first hand the devastation of an F5 tornado. I survived by divine intervention. God literally turned me around on the freeway or I would have driven directly into the storm. 5 minutes saved my life on May 22, 2011. I was 52. I lost my home, but I was alive.

Drinking filled my nights. I drank every night and cried most every day. The devastation was unbearable. In December I turned 53. I drank. January 14, 2012 I got sober.

75 days today. I am no longer living in alcohell. I have hope. I am a survivor, just as you are. You have accomplished so very much. Every day of sobriety is a testament to your strength, courage, and compassion. Your beloved animals cannot take care of themselves. They depend on you and your love for them. Contact HSUS or the ASPCA; local humane organizations - they will offer help. Take the money you spend on alcohol and apply it to their needs. If your property is still under cover from the damage of that storm, see if you can find companies who would come and clear it for the wood. There are options. Do not listen to that doom and gloom voice in your head that is trying to sway you back into drinking. It is not worth it, and beleive me, it will not change a thing, but will compound the negatives immeasurably. Perhaps meeting up with others and sharing your grief will help lessen the burden. I wish you peace and serenity. It will not be found in the bottom of any alcohol container. God bless.
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:39 AM
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Muffin, your story is certainly horrific, and I feel for you. But everyone has a story. I read those stories here on SR and I hear them in AA. Some are certainly not as horrific as yours; others are even worse. And yet these folks are SOBER. What made the difference for them? That's a good question.

My mom and dad were alcoholics too. My dad was a headstrong, verbally/emotionally abusive man who insisted my mother drink with him, so she did. After a car accident, in which my mother was driving drunk with my father (I'm giving you the short version of this story), they lost their business (my dad was a lawyer), home, cars, money, EVERYTHING. Ended up in a tiny apartment in Florida where my dad sat in front of the TV drinking every day and my mother joined him. Numerous hospital visits for both of them due to alcoholism. My dad slowly slipped into alcohol induced dementia and my mother was following him. After he became delirious, incontinent and almost comatose, my mother finally had him admitted to a nursing home. He passed last March, just shy of his 90th birthday. I'm glad he went sober, though alcohol destroyed much of his brain.

My mother endured colon cancer (alcoholism-related) and a host of other health problems before finally getting sober after my dad went into the nursing home. She was in her mid-70's at the time. For the first time in decades, she is now enjoying an active life with friendships and church, and is enjoying much better health. I never thought I'd see the day.

My point is, there is always an opportunity to overcome the tragedies in our lives. Everyone has them. The difference between those who overcome and those who don't is something you need to figure out. You may think you're weak and it's time to give up, but I don't think so ... reading all you've been through, it's clear you are a survivor, even if you've been using alcohol to get through the day. You're still trying to fight through this. I don't believe you want to give up, but you don't know how to go on either. Certainly you have at least one thing you want to live for?
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:47 AM
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Hi Muffin, Even though your situation may seem horrible grey and dismal there is always tommorow. I lived in poverty for years even though there was richness everywhere. This richness can be found with my attitude and begining with the simplist of gratefulness is a great start to move ahead. I began with gratitude for the shoes on my feet and clothes on my back and most importantly sobriety. Today I have a apartment (no rommies) a transportation(with insurance and license) and friends. I wish I had a PARROT. That is so cool. Sad you must pawn that silver but please when you get the cash do not buy booze. It sounds to me that you are really getting into some core issues and that is great progress.
for your mother
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