Musicta

My daughter is a drug addict of 5 years....she has been in and out of my house, I have supported her, and spent thousands and thousands of dollars bailing her out of jail, paying off fines, whatever....I did it.....

She went to rehab, but insurance only paid for 5 days, so needless to say when she got home, she lasted 2 days and was gone again....and she hasn't been back since....

I have seen her a few times and of course she always calls to ask for money and I gave in for the last time two weeks ago....

When she calls, she has some new story about needing money...but the one that got to me...was "I am starving as I don't have anything to eat..Do you have any food?" I told her I wasn't giving her anything....and then of course, the return reply is..."I'm not your blood anymore, you mean nothing to me.."

Now, my question is....Do I give in to the food thing? I don't want her to go hungry. Or, is this just another ploy to get something out of me?

I am really trying to detach totally....but once in a while....

Thank you for your help.

tjp613

I have an addicted son who has been homeless from time to time and I have to admit this is one I have a hard time with also. However, I am "lucky" that he knows my boundaries are pretty strong and his dad's (my ex) are weaker....so he calls his dad for money or food most of the time. But his dad is getting stronger...and when he does provide food, it's in the form of a case of beenie-weenies or will meet him for a burger once every few days. He found it easiest to just not answer the phone 90% of the time.

I can also tell you that my son got tired of that life pretty darn quick and although he has not been consistent, he has reached for recovery much more during his homelessness than at any other point in the last 5 years. He's now in a SLE and has 2 weeks clean today. Just a blip on the screen, I know, but it's the best he's done in a LONG time.

The thing to remember is this: if they can find the money for drugs, they can find the money for food. My son was spending $40-60 a day for heroin. That could buy a LOT of food but he chose to spend it on heroin. His choice.

Having said all that, in the end it's up to you and you have to live with your choices, too. You have to be able to sleep at night. So if that means turning your phone off, changing your number or buying a case of beenie weenies, then you do that. But remember that you are doing it to relieve YOUR anxiety about the situation...just the way an addict does what he has to do to relieve his. So perhaps the real answer is that if you are committed to not supporting her in any way, it would be in YOUR best interest to find another (healthy) way to relieve that anxiety....go to a meeting, come to SR, meditate, knit a sweater, walk your dog, plant some roses, etc.

From one mom to another, I just want to give you a hug. I understand your pain and I will pray for you and your daughter today.

outtolunch

My daughter used to do the starving thing too. By this point I had ceased giving her money and would buy her something to eat and sit with her. She had no interest in food and used these opportunities to attempt to manipulate me for cash. When I was not forthcoming, she would let loose on me.

"No" is a complete sentance. " No because..." opens the door to negotiation and you will likely lose.

It helped me to visualize that my daughter was shooting $$ into her arms and I was the source of her drug. While I was helpless to influence or control her choices there was no reason for me to fund her addiction.

Kindeyes

There was a great thread on this very topic recently.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-enabling.html

My son is homeless. Ive finally gotten to the point that I won't take calls from him. But it took me a long time to get to this point. I know that any contact with him will result in manipulation. The "I'm hungry" or "I'm going to die" or "we're BLOOD you have to help me" or any other of the 1000 phrases he uses are just a way to pull my strings. We do what we have to do as mothers in order to live with ourselves. It took me many years to finally get to the point that enough is enough.

You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

My son was homeless before he went to jail due to his theft from our home. I provided him with a bag of food twice. That is all. He then left his SLE and was out of contact for 9 days recently. During that time, I had NO contact with him. When we finally saw each other, he didn't look that bad. Just so you know, there are so many resources for free food at food banks and shelters. i found over 50 that provide food to anyone who shows up. Our children always will pull at the heartstrings. I believe that providing food is okay but of course, no money. If they ask for help for a certain situation, it needs to be validated and then if you think it necessary to assist, it needs to be paid with a check or by yourself on that behalf. Just my two cents.

Musicta

Thanks everyone. I kept hearing in my own head..NO, NO, NO...do not get her food. This is enabling...

Gosh, they know how to manipulate better than anything else and to play the system...scary.

Just for information...I went from an alcoholic ex husband now, to my daughter being a drug addict....I've had enough. Yes, and it took me a VERY long time to come to this point...and NOBODY can tell you when to stop...I had a friend that would tell me what to do constantly and got tired of it....(we are no longer friends). She had no clue what kind of pain, guilt, worry, etc....I had in my mind. No one who has never dealt with addiction knows what we feel, the codependents....But, anyway, I had to come to my own point of stopping. We codependents are as sick as the addicts..

Again, all of you have made me feel better and I read everything you suggested...most of all, if they can get money to buy drugs, why not food? Their choice..right..

And Kind Eyes, that other forum was good on this subject and what you said was excellent! Fear and guilt and the unbelievable stories we put into our own heads..."If i don't feed him, then he may steal, then end up in jail," and on and on...What stories we weave in our own heads! I bet our addicts don't think a thing...UNTIL, they are forced to.

Thank you so much. And, thank you so much for the hugs and prayers..that's all we can do for each other..What a world we live in, huh?

Tricia