26y-old reaching out for love & support.
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
26y-old reaching out for love & support.
Hi folks,
My name is Evan and I'm 26 and I'm an addict and have been an addict since I first tried marijuana when I was 15-16. I felt a new sensation the next day, it was this weird craving to do it again even though I didn't even enjoy how marijuana made me feel. Regardless I became extremely hooked on a substance that I didn't even enjoy and it had horrible affects on my life.
Flash forward to tonight. I've done every drug there is trying to fill the void in my life and have struggled with addiction for almost 10 years and have lived with so many consequences (bad relationships, family problems, money problems, problems with the law.)
I just finished the last of my tar heroin on a piece of tin foil and ended a 2 and half month binge which cost me my new job, hundreds of dollars, and potentially, not being able to afford my rent and bills.
Anyways, none of my roomates know I've been doing heroin and they all drink and smoke pot so before i went back to opiates i would just drink a lot but even that no longer satisfied me. I can't enjoy any drugs except opiates these days and I had been addicted to them for time periods in the past and gone to Rehab, dropped out of college, etc. etc. as a result of messing around with them.
So usually I clean up and quit the opiates then go back to just drinking and maintain that for months or so but even when im doing that I still get these insanely strong cravings for opiates that make me search the floor for dropped pieces or go through my entire wardrobe for a piece of H.
Sorry if this post is rambling, I have so much to say but don't know how to explain how lonely I feel. I feel like I let my family down so much and have yet to tell them that I got fired a week ago and have been laying in bed for almost a week now drinking and IV/Smoking H. But I've also been thinking about how I'm at a crossroads, it's either complete sobriety for me or I continue this tortured existence of craving and never feeling satisfied. I'm so tired of addiction it's like needing to breath but only getting a little oxygen. I'm only 26 and feel like I'm years ahead in addiction years, I've got it bad and need help.
So my plan is to start going to NA/AA everyday. The good thing about losing my job is I'll have the time to get sober at all costs. I'm also going to turn my life over to Jesus Christ and stop letting my drug abuse prevent me from having a relationship with my higher power. And I'm going to take sobriety so seriously because I'm close to dieing I look so pale and unhealthy, i havent shaved, my hairs a mess, and i've become a shell of my former self. I have no short term memory and feel like I've lost my mind and ability to think with any intelligence what so ever.
So here I'am, in my room alone, unable to tell anyone my problems yet (I'll tell my family soon but I don't think I can ever tell my roomates about the heroin. But I will tell them about me getting sober and going to na/aa.) I just need some love and support, I never reach out to ppl like this on the internet and I feel so full of shame, disgust, and lonliness. I'm scared of sobriety and not having a crutch in almost 10 years to lean on.
God Bless you all,
Evan.
My name is Evan and I'm 26 and I'm an addict and have been an addict since I first tried marijuana when I was 15-16. I felt a new sensation the next day, it was this weird craving to do it again even though I didn't even enjoy how marijuana made me feel. Regardless I became extremely hooked on a substance that I didn't even enjoy and it had horrible affects on my life.
Flash forward to tonight. I've done every drug there is trying to fill the void in my life and have struggled with addiction for almost 10 years and have lived with so many consequences (bad relationships, family problems, money problems, problems with the law.)
I just finished the last of my tar heroin on a piece of tin foil and ended a 2 and half month binge which cost me my new job, hundreds of dollars, and potentially, not being able to afford my rent and bills.
Anyways, none of my roomates know I've been doing heroin and they all drink and smoke pot so before i went back to opiates i would just drink a lot but even that no longer satisfied me. I can't enjoy any drugs except opiates these days and I had been addicted to them for time periods in the past and gone to Rehab, dropped out of college, etc. etc. as a result of messing around with them.
So usually I clean up and quit the opiates then go back to just drinking and maintain that for months or so but even when im doing that I still get these insanely strong cravings for opiates that make me search the floor for dropped pieces or go through my entire wardrobe for a piece of H.
Sorry if this post is rambling, I have so much to say but don't know how to explain how lonely I feel. I feel like I let my family down so much and have yet to tell them that I got fired a week ago and have been laying in bed for almost a week now drinking and IV/Smoking H. But I've also been thinking about how I'm at a crossroads, it's either complete sobriety for me or I continue this tortured existence of craving and never feeling satisfied. I'm so tired of addiction it's like needing to breath but only getting a little oxygen. I'm only 26 and feel like I'm years ahead in addiction years, I've got it bad and need help.
So my plan is to start going to NA/AA everyday. The good thing about losing my job is I'll have the time to get sober at all costs. I'm also going to turn my life over to Jesus Christ and stop letting my drug abuse prevent me from having a relationship with my higher power. And I'm going to take sobriety so seriously because I'm close to dieing I look so pale and unhealthy, i havent shaved, my hairs a mess, and i've become a shell of my former self. I have no short term memory and feel like I've lost my mind and ability to think with any intelligence what so ever.
So here I'am, in my room alone, unable to tell anyone my problems yet (I'll tell my family soon but I don't think I can ever tell my roomates about the heroin. But I will tell them about me getting sober and going to na/aa.) I just need some love and support, I never reach out to ppl like this on the internet and I feel so full of shame, disgust, and lonliness. I'm scared of sobriety and not having a crutch in almost 10 years to lean on.
God Bless you all,
Evan.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Welcome Evan 
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here
It's a big step - but you're not alone - and it's probably the best move you'll ever make
You might also like to check out our substance abuse forum too:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here
It's a big step - but you're not alone - and it's probably the best move you'll ever make
You might also like to check out our substance abuse forum too:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hey sweetie
That post was amazing - thanks for sharing with such honesty and trust ( I have never done that...you're already stronger than me)
This place is amazing. You are definitely going to find the support, company and challenge that you need here. Read around and say hello, don't be shy. And good luck today - I'll be thinking about you
Post a lot, let us know how you're gettin on okay? It's tough but gets better than you'd believe so don't be scared.
Be lookin forward to hearing from you.
Across the ocean,
Still xxx
That post was amazing - thanks for sharing with such honesty and trust ( I have never done that...you're already stronger than me)
This place is amazing. You are definitely going to find the support, company and challenge that you need here. Read around and say hello, don't be shy. And good luck today - I'll be thinking about you
Post a lot, let us know how you're gettin on okay? It's tough but gets better than you'd believe so don't be scared.
Be lookin forward to hearing from you.
Across the ocean,
Still xxx
Saved By Grace
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Thank you guys so much! I've just been thinking and I just really dislike so many parts of myself that weren't there when I was younger and innocent. I've become so much more evil, nasty, cruel, and a thief and a liar. I can be very unkind to those who love me the most like my Mom.
I just can't believe what a spoiled brat I've become! My only hope is never touching another drug again and connecting with my higher power will create a new heart and way of thinking for me. Because I'm a twisted tortured shell of a man right now. I need this so bad, I've needed it for years and tried to do it on my own but always failed. I tried the support thing once before and got 1 month of sobriety with AA but then caved in and smoke a hit of weed and weed changed my whole outlook on AA and what I was doing so I immediately gave up.
I suffer from extreme panick and hypochrondria and even now I feel this tightness in my chest and can't help feeling like it's too late for me to turn my life around. I'm going to die in my sleep or have a heart attack any minute. That my mother won't ever find out I decided to turn my life over to the Lord (it would make her so happy) and get 100% sober.
Sorry guys, I know some of what I'm saying is kind of weird. But I'm just coming out of a dark place mentally. Sadly I've been there for years, addiction has changed me and rocked me over and over again. Addiction has sucked the life out of me.
I just can't believe what a spoiled brat I've become! My only hope is never touching another drug again and connecting with my higher power will create a new heart and way of thinking for me. Because I'm a twisted tortured shell of a man right now. I need this so bad, I've needed it for years and tried to do it on my own but always failed. I tried the support thing once before and got 1 month of sobriety with AA but then caved in and smoke a hit of weed and weed changed my whole outlook on AA and what I was doing so I immediately gave up.
I suffer from extreme panick and hypochrondria and even now I feel this tightness in my chest and can't help feeling like it's too late for me to turn my life around. I'm going to die in my sleep or have a heart attack any minute. That my mother won't ever find out I decided to turn my life over to the Lord (it would make her so happy) and get 100% sober.
Sorry guys, I know some of what I'm saying is kind of weird. But I'm just coming out of a dark place mentally. Sadly I've been there for years, addiction has changed me and rocked me over and over again. Addiction has sucked the life out of me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Wow, great first share... you will have a powerful post to look back on. It sounds like you are ready to make & embrace real change in your life. I remember that point of being sick & tired of being sick & tired.... it was tough but oh what a relief to finally let go & let God.
You can do this, we are all here for you
You can do this, we are all here for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
You have a full life ahead of you at 26 
Once you quit for a while & take care of yourself I think you will be suprised at how good you will start to feel. I suffered from a lot of panic attacks too but it has gotten much better after a couple of months sober.
This is not the end for you... it the beginning
Once you quit for a while & take care of yourself I think you will be suprised at how good you will start to feel. I suffered from a lot of panic attacks too but it has gotten much better after a couple of months sober.
This is not the end for you... it the beginning
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Evan, cheers to you !!
I heard a fellow AA say that he had a big hole in his soul that caused him much grief.
I said "How big is the hole??"
He said "Just about God-size"
You will find that "God, as you understand him" in NA/AA
I hope you commit to NA/AA, don't just be "involved" ... you know the difference??
The difference is like a bacon & egg breakfast,
The chicken is involved and the pig is committed.
All the best to you !!
Bob R
I heard a fellow AA say that he had a big hole in his soul that caused him much grief.
I said "How big is the hole??"
He said "Just about God-size"
You will find that "God, as you understand him" in NA/AA
I hope you commit to NA/AA, don't just be "involved" ... you know the difference??
The difference is like a bacon & egg breakfast,
The chicken is involved and the pig is committed.
All the best to you !!
Bob R
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