Finally ended up at my first alanon mtg after major melt down
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Finally ended up at my first alanon mtg after major melt down
Well everyone, I think I finally hit MY ROCK BOTTOM! I feel much more at peace today than I have the last three weeks. As some of you had read from my posts, my aexbf and I broke up after a few rotten arguments where I had some issues with feeling like he was lying to me. I spent a year being lied to, manipulated, emotionally abused, lied to, lied to, lied to. He went to rehab after I found more pills in his bag last december, kicked him out of my house and called his parents to let them know what was going on. So, he went to rehab and was out after only 3 weeks.
Everything was going great. We were together every single day. The last few arguments we got into were over my trust issues....well, yes as--hole, I'm going to have some trust issues after the last year of my life of hell with you. After rehab, he was making the right steps, going to meetings, got a sponsor, was being honest, humble, etc. Then I started to feel like something was wrong. He lied about some texts/calls in his phone and then we had a major blow out when I saw his ex drug dealer was continuing to call his phone. I don't want to rehash all details from my previous post but when I asked him why he kept calling him, he raged at me, called me names, got really nasty, turned the whole thing on me. So, I kicked him out of my house again. Clean or sober, I don't want someone in my face screaming at me like that. Clean or sober, I was starting to realize that he was an angry human being who I had to feel like walking on eggshells for. I see that now.
Fast forward to three weeks of no contact. I was having a hard time. Found some of his belongings at my house. Stupid me asks him what he wants me to do with them. (I know this was such a bad move, I should have just thrown them in the garbage, trust me I’ve learned my lesson). I get a pretty nasty response back and a throw them out. I tell him that I was really hurt by all of this and then it just proceeded to rage and more rage via email, about the fact that he is angry I kicked him out, he knows that I’ll never trust him because I kicked him out, manipulating my every thought. No thoughts about the fact that he destroyed trust for a year, I agree to try and make a relationship work and there’s NO work on his part whatsoever to regain trust. The problem is that I kicked him out. Not that he was in my face calling me names and screaming at me.
Anyway, I stooped to the lowest level I have throughout our ENTIRE relationship. I don’t know what came over me. I’m pretty embarrassed to even write it out to all of you right now. I begged and pleaded with him, told him I knew it was wrong to kick him out and make him sleep at his office, told him if two people really loved each other they could work on things, told him some insight into my therapy, etc. He raged. Then later that night I get a slew of emails saying how much he loved me, how much his family loves me, that he is just afraid to call me because we haven’t spoken in over a month (it had been two weeks), that he wishes he could control his anger better, that he’ll never really let me go in his heart, etc. Of course, he never calls. Next day, I start getting angry emails again, saying he’s not making any sense, I talk to him later and he’s screaming at me on the phone about everything I did wrong (including the fact that he quit taking his Zoloft – apparently that was my fault), then to get another round of emails saying he’s sorry, he never wants to leave me, he needs to let his anger go, he will never let me go, he wants to have me in his life, etc. It was insanity.
Monday (towards my breaking point), he says he’s busy at work but feels better. I had a hard day and kept telling him I was feeling pretty vulnerable and emotional and I’m not a crier but I broke down and balled my eyes out on the phone to him. His voice sounded weird and he didn’t say much. At this point we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks. He said he couldn’t come over because of work stuff in the morning but he would come over the next day. I send a bunch of texts and call and no response the next day until much later. I told him I had told my daughter who was asking for him that he was coming over and this was really starting to upset me. I didn’t want to start screwing with her head, that he was giving me the silent treatment one minute, lashing out at me the next and then telling me he loves me in emails the next. IT HAD MY HEAD SO SCREWED UP. After not responding he sends something saying “I told you I was busy, you need to relax”. Um, no as—hole, this is my daughter’s life and expectations. I think it finally got me to lose all sense of my sense of self respect as a human and finally HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM. It was so obvious he was BS-ing me. He’s never that busy at work. I know what he does. All of it just became so obvious and I had a MELT DOWN.
I’m so sorry this is so long. I just finally got to a place where the light bulb went on and I am by no means feeling like a rock star, but this is the best I’ve felt in weeks. I’m embarrassed, so embarrassed at myself for begging for this person who has been nothing but cruel and toxic, toxic, toxic to come back into my life. It’s just disgusting. But, I almost feel like I had to get to that point to finally let it all go. I see him for not a human being, but for a shell of human being, someone who is evil, dark, manipulative, just a massive con artist. He’s just disgusting. I’m going to try and keep going to these meetings. I think they will help and thank you to all of your support here. Sorry again for the long post.
Everything was going great. We were together every single day. The last few arguments we got into were over my trust issues....well, yes as--hole, I'm going to have some trust issues after the last year of my life of hell with you. After rehab, he was making the right steps, going to meetings, got a sponsor, was being honest, humble, etc. Then I started to feel like something was wrong. He lied about some texts/calls in his phone and then we had a major blow out when I saw his ex drug dealer was continuing to call his phone. I don't want to rehash all details from my previous post but when I asked him why he kept calling him, he raged at me, called me names, got really nasty, turned the whole thing on me. So, I kicked him out of my house again. Clean or sober, I don't want someone in my face screaming at me like that. Clean or sober, I was starting to realize that he was an angry human being who I had to feel like walking on eggshells for. I see that now.
Fast forward to three weeks of no contact. I was having a hard time. Found some of his belongings at my house. Stupid me asks him what he wants me to do with them. (I know this was such a bad move, I should have just thrown them in the garbage, trust me I’ve learned my lesson). I get a pretty nasty response back and a throw them out. I tell him that I was really hurt by all of this and then it just proceeded to rage and more rage via email, about the fact that he is angry I kicked him out, he knows that I’ll never trust him because I kicked him out, manipulating my every thought. No thoughts about the fact that he destroyed trust for a year, I agree to try and make a relationship work and there’s NO work on his part whatsoever to regain trust. The problem is that I kicked him out. Not that he was in my face calling me names and screaming at me.
Anyway, I stooped to the lowest level I have throughout our ENTIRE relationship. I don’t know what came over me. I’m pretty embarrassed to even write it out to all of you right now. I begged and pleaded with him, told him I knew it was wrong to kick him out and make him sleep at his office, told him if two people really loved each other they could work on things, told him some insight into my therapy, etc. He raged. Then later that night I get a slew of emails saying how much he loved me, how much his family loves me, that he is just afraid to call me because we haven’t spoken in over a month (it had been two weeks), that he wishes he could control his anger better, that he’ll never really let me go in his heart, etc. Of course, he never calls. Next day, I start getting angry emails again, saying he’s not making any sense, I talk to him later and he’s screaming at me on the phone about everything I did wrong (including the fact that he quit taking his Zoloft – apparently that was my fault), then to get another round of emails saying he’s sorry, he never wants to leave me, he needs to let his anger go, he will never let me go, he wants to have me in his life, etc. It was insanity.
Monday (towards my breaking point), he says he’s busy at work but feels better. I had a hard day and kept telling him I was feeling pretty vulnerable and emotional and I’m not a crier but I broke down and balled my eyes out on the phone to him. His voice sounded weird and he didn’t say much. At this point we hadn’t seen each other in three weeks. He said he couldn’t come over because of work stuff in the morning but he would come over the next day. I send a bunch of texts and call and no response the next day until much later. I told him I had told my daughter who was asking for him that he was coming over and this was really starting to upset me. I didn’t want to start screwing with her head, that he was giving me the silent treatment one minute, lashing out at me the next and then telling me he loves me in emails the next. IT HAD MY HEAD SO SCREWED UP. After not responding he sends something saying “I told you I was busy, you need to relax”. Um, no as—hole, this is my daughter’s life and expectations. I think it finally got me to lose all sense of my sense of self respect as a human and finally HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM. It was so obvious he was BS-ing me. He’s never that busy at work. I know what he does. All of it just became so obvious and I had a MELT DOWN.
I’m so sorry this is so long. I just finally got to a place where the light bulb went on and I am by no means feeling like a rock star, but this is the best I’ve felt in weeks. I’m embarrassed, so embarrassed at myself for begging for this person who has been nothing but cruel and toxic, toxic, toxic to come back into my life. It’s just disgusting. But, I almost feel like I had to get to that point to finally let it all go. I see him for not a human being, but for a shell of human being, someone who is evil, dark, manipulative, just a massive con artist. He’s just disgusting. I’m going to try and keep going to these meetings. I think they will help and thank you to all of your support here. Sorry again for the long post.
It takes what it takes. Post as often as you want. It does help to get it out, especially to people who understand what you are going through. Don't beat yourself up too much over what happened. It's really not all that unusual. It is going to take time for you to get over what all has happened. Go ahead and take the time to mourn the loss of what you thought you had. There's not a thing in the world wrong with that.
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And the final morning ended up with me sending a bunch of texts really early saying that I was feeling vulnerable, feeling like I don't want to really lose him, that I missed him, on and on and to please just send me a text when he woke up and let me know what he was planning on doing after work as far as coming over. My daughter woke up and started asking about him. That scared me. Of course, no response to any texts. To me, if I truly cared about someone, I would have responded with something if I had woken up to all of that. It was the silent treatment. That's what bothered me the most. It made me try and reach out even more which made me seem like a psycho. That day was pure hell. I was completely over reacting and a mess and he knew it. When I finally just said to him, he needs to tell me if I need to just walk away because this roller coaster for three days had my head screwed up, he responds with "i told you i'm busy, you need to relax!" It takes two seconds to respond. This may seem so crazy and over reactive and I know that it is but the emotional abuse and the roller coaster ride just threw me into a bad place. I know I finally had to go there for myself. I'm so sick of feeling like the insane one in this life with him. We've gone through this so many times when he WAS using and I was left to feel like I was the insane one and then I would get the silent treatments that I just snapped.
There's still this little voice in my head that is so insane that questions whether or not he really did relapse and then I have to stop myself and remind myself that this person is NOT relationship material. He is abusive and angry and a huge emotional mess. Like I said, I do feel better today. Much better. It's just going to take a long time to get over this. i didn't realize how long but I know with each and every attempt at reconciliation we've made, my wounds just got deeper.
I have a beautiful daughter, we had a great day today and I'm so lucky to have her, my home, my great job, my family, etc. It was his loss, not mine. I just have to keep reminding myself that this person is truly sick and abusive. I sat at the table today at alanoon with some great women telling their stories about their husbands who are still alcoholics and the stories of decades of alcohol abuse and they're still there with them. It was a wake up call to me. I have to remember do I want to be at this table 20 years from now making excuses for him, clean or high? Do I want to take this chance?
This was just an incredible loss of my self esteem and self respect and pride this last go around with him. Urgh!
There's still this little voice in my head that is so insane that questions whether or not he really did relapse and then I have to stop myself and remind myself that this person is NOT relationship material. He is abusive and angry and a huge emotional mess. Like I said, I do feel better today. Much better. It's just going to take a long time to get over this. i didn't realize how long but I know with each and every attempt at reconciliation we've made, my wounds just got deeper.
I have a beautiful daughter, we had a great day today and I'm so lucky to have her, my home, my great job, my family, etc. It was his loss, not mine. I just have to keep reminding myself that this person is truly sick and abusive. I sat at the table today at alanoon with some great women telling their stories about their husbands who are still alcoholics and the stories of decades of alcohol abuse and they're still there with them. It was a wake up call to me. I have to remember do I want to be at this table 20 years from now making excuses for him, clean or high? Do I want to take this chance?
This was just an incredible loss of my self esteem and self respect and pride this last go around with him. Urgh!
Hi Madisonblake, please stop beating yourself up, whats important is what you have learnt and how you have grown from the experience.
I used to appologise for all my 'faults' to my AH of 23yrs to make him return to me, or start speaking to me, following some unreasonable behaviour caused by his drinking and my reacting to it. He always seemed happy to be moving on and my codependence just wouldnt let that happen. I learnt and grew in therapy and reading/posting on SR and I have increased my own self esteem by realising that I can put myself and my happiness first. I am a good person and I am worthy of living a good life.
I too have woman in my Al-anon group who have lived with their active AH for years and years and seem to find peace and serenity in their life. At first, that is what I tried to strive for whilst still living with my active AH. In the end, I realised that it just wasnt going to happen for me. I learnt to let go of a lot of things, took up more external home activities and hobbies to make my own life better, but seeing him with a beer in his hand or asleep on the settee was just to much for me to bare and I made the descision to leave.
The best descision I could have made and only wish I had done it a lot sooner. The descision to leave eventually happened because I learnt and grew in my own recovery which took time and I was able to make a rational descision based on my own needs and wants.
Keep learning, growing - you are a good person too and worthy of living a good quality life like me!
I used to appologise for all my 'faults' to my AH of 23yrs to make him return to me, or start speaking to me, following some unreasonable behaviour caused by his drinking and my reacting to it. He always seemed happy to be moving on and my codependence just wouldnt let that happen. I learnt and grew in therapy and reading/posting on SR and I have increased my own self esteem by realising that I can put myself and my happiness first. I am a good person and I am worthy of living a good life.
I too have woman in my Al-anon group who have lived with their active AH for years and years and seem to find peace and serenity in their life. At first, that is what I tried to strive for whilst still living with my active AH. In the end, I realised that it just wasnt going to happen for me. I learnt to let go of a lot of things, took up more external home activities and hobbies to make my own life better, but seeing him with a beer in his hand or asleep on the settee was just to much for me to bare and I made the descision to leave.
The best descision I could have made and only wish I had done it a lot sooner. The descision to leave eventually happened because I learnt and grew in my own recovery which took time and I was able to make a rational descision based on my own needs and wants.
Keep learning, growing - you are a good person too and worthy of living a good quality life like me!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I'm pretty sure we've all had meltdowns when dealing with the crazy emotions of an A. I know I did several times. It certainly mucks up your self esteem. If you are not an addict and have never been one it just doesn't seem real that someone could behave and think like they do. It doesn't make any sense to us.
Sounds like you are getting a true picture of what this could be down the road by going to alanon meetings and listening to women who are still with their A partners after many years. Good for you. I wish I would have done that sooner than I did.
Sounds like you are getting a true picture of what this could be down the road by going to alanon meetings and listening to women who are still with their A partners after many years. Good for you. I wish I would have done that sooner than I did.
Hi and thanks for posting this.
It's been two years since I lived with an A. And your post put me smack dab back in that situation. Weird as it sounds, I'm grateful of the reminder. Because our minds work in such strange ways -- I guess it's a survival mechanism that we largely, over time, tend to forget that really crazy-making stuff.
I never begged my AH to come back to me once I left him. But I spent 20 years increasingly doing things exactly like that -- apologizing after he had been abusive, telling him it was all my fault, telling him I was sorry I wasn't a better wife/skinnier/prettier/better cook/more interested in sex, whatever it took to settle the situation so that a comparable calm could be achieved.
That light bulb will light your way for a long time, friend. And sometimes, we just have to do stuff like that to realize for ourselves why it's a bad idea. I still sometimes get in the mindset that I can have a normal divorce-relationship with my AXH. It usually doesn't take him very long to take me out of that illusion.
I wish you well on your continued walk toward your recovery. And please hang around. This place has so much wisdom and so much love.
It's been two years since I lived with an A. And your post put me smack dab back in that situation. Weird as it sounds, I'm grateful of the reminder. Because our minds work in such strange ways -- I guess it's a survival mechanism that we largely, over time, tend to forget that really crazy-making stuff.
I never begged my AH to come back to me once I left him. But I spent 20 years increasingly doing things exactly like that -- apologizing after he had been abusive, telling him it was all my fault, telling him I was sorry I wasn't a better wife/skinnier/prettier/better cook/more interested in sex, whatever it took to settle the situation so that a comparable calm could be achieved.
That light bulb will light your way for a long time, friend. And sometimes, we just have to do stuff like that to realize for ourselves why it's a bad idea. I still sometimes get in the mindset that I can have a normal divorce-relationship with my AXH. It usually doesn't take him very long to take me out of that illusion.
I wish you well on your continued walk toward your recovery. And please hang around. This place has so much wisdom and so much love.
Madisonblake, ((((hugs))).
Almost everyone here has gone through pretty much the exact same thing as you are going through now. I have been separated from my AW a little over 10 months now and I can promise you it does get easier.
Your friend,
Almost everyone here has gone through pretty much the exact same thing as you are going through now. I have been separated from my AW a little over 10 months now and I can promise you it does get easier.
Your friend,
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