HelenRocker

Heya all


when Ross comes out of hospital, he's gonna get hit by a flood of messages from his old drinking buddies, asking him to come out for a few drinks to celebrate his "survival"


Because I accompany him to his gigs/to watch other gigs I have also been barraged with offers to come out "just for a couple" at the weekend by people who we really arent ready to face in that situation yet.

Can anyone give advice as to what to say to these offers? A simple "no, we are trying to get sober and that past life is probably what lead to my husbands heart attack" wont go down very well. I even had a message saying "I hope you two havent given up, you're both too old to"..not the most inspirational message ever!

Squizz

Just do what I do: Avoid old drinking/drugging buddies at all costs. Sounds tough, and it is at times. Is it worth it, you betcha'!

Besides, they don't need any sort of explanation from you. Just remember something: You and "Ross" don't owe these people a darn thing. If you truly want to stay sober, this shouldn't be much of a problem. And trust me, they'll get the picture real quick.

What I always keep in mind is this: It's ME who's got to change. Not everybody else.

HelenRocker

thanks the only thing is, most of these people have been our friends for 25 years, have been to every wedding, christening, birthday etc. Pretty much family.

GrowingDaily

A true friend wants you to live. A true friend wants you to be healthy. A true friend will understand.

And if they don't? Well... what does that tell you?

Squizz

Well if they're true friends, they shouldn't have a problem with it then, should they? And if they continually push booze or drugs on you, tell them this: "Look: If you keep this up, we can no longer be friends."

Is it a big sacrifice? Sure. But apparently your husband (I'm assuming?) had a heart attack due to drinking (or whatever) so I'd say that's pretty severe. (To say the least!) Therefore, your precautions toward combatting alcoholism must be even MORE SEVERE. This is what I've noticed about alcohlics and addicts over the years:

We think that we aren't as bad as we really are. We always say stuff like: "Oh I'm not that bad."

But once you get a little sobriety under your belt, you start to realize that you were much worse than initially thought. Therefore, your plan of action simply CANNOT be half-hearted! You've gotta' go at this thing FULL TILT or otherwise you will drink or do drugs again.

And I say this not to lecture, but out of concern. And out of experience. I wish you all the best in your recovery!

IndaMiricale

I know my drinking buddies sure didnt come around after I didnt go out anymore. And if the are like family I know my family didnt want me to die so they support my sobreity 100 percent . Anyone that doesnt , will not get my time a day.

I was selfish when drinking and now I am only selfish in that my sobriety comes before anything and anyone.

Squizz

EXACTLY! Once you stay sober for a while, you start to see who your friends REALLY are.

Oh my old drinking buddies give me a call once in a while. WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING. They never call to see how I'm doing.

I've tried calling them do see how they're doing, and the response is usually one like: "Why are you even bothering me?"

Alcoholism is a disease of self! And trust me when I say, that it is EXTREMELY infectious! Don't believe me? Go to a bar. See if you can stay there all night without drinking. And do it again, and again, and again.

If you can do so without drinking, you're probably not an alcoholic. Lord knows I've tried, and I ALWAYS GOT DRUNK. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

It's not just about putting the plug in the jug, it's about changing people, places, and things. Our whole way of living must change. Otherwise, we drink again.

And I'm no expert. I'm just an alcoholic, who's been going to AA meetings for six years, with various degrees of success. I'm nothing more than a $2 drunk, and a drug addicted lunatic.

I speak from experience.

sugarbear1

Well, the way I see it is if they offer someone who just had a heart attack alcohol, they aren't in their right mind!

You'll be okay. Don't anticipate anything. If you are both working a program of recovery, use those tools, whether it's AVRT or AA. There are ways to directly deal with this. For example, "No, thanks, I'll have some water or tea" works wonders!

Squizz

While this is good advice, I'd strongly advise staying out of "slippery" places for a few months. Unless you absolutely HAVE to be there. (Birthdays, weddings, etc.)

I sure as heck don't know what to do, but I sure know WHAT NOT to do.

Take it from somebody who thought he'd find sobriety in drug houses and strip clubs. Trust me when I say, it doesn't work.

2granddaughters

Helen:
Have Ross tell them that when he was in hospital they discovered that he has become allergic to alcohol. That may do the trick.

I tell my friends that I'm allergic to alcohol, when I drink I break out in handcuffs.

All the best.

Bob R

hypochondriac

I've heard so many people say that you need to avoid old drinking buddies and make new friends... I think this put me off quitting for a while. It's likely you'll be pleasantly surprised by your friends. I had a night out with my biggest 'drinking buddy' recently. Our relationship was forged in alcohol and I have to admit I was worried, but as soon as I said I wasn't drinking anymore, no questions were asked and he even refrained from drinking around me. I hope your friends will do the same. I think a heart attack is a good enough excuse not to drink and you can not be drinking to support your husband. If anyone gives you a hard time I'd be inclined to tell them to politely f off

aasharon90

Many of us have had something devistating
to hit us before we get that wake up call. A
heart attack is a HUGE wake up call. For me,
i had a bad accident in Feb. 1990 and healed
quite well in 3 months. Id think that was a big
wake up call to leave drinking alone but it wasnt.

During those months i was healing, i didnt
drink while on pain meds. Once the medicine
didnt work anymore because i had no more
pain, i emmediately picked up a drink to only
spiral out of control quickly.

It was August 1990 when i ended up in the same
bar, coming home to the same argument then to
take a hand full of pills to end my miserable failure
of a life.

Family stepped in with an intervention and i was
sent to rehab where i stayed 28 days recieving the
tools and knowledge of my alcoholism before set
on my path of recovery or journey of a lifetime.

That was 21 yrs ago of many one days at at time
collected together to get me where I am today.

I went to all lengths to get my alcohol and it took
any lengths to stay sober.

So can you.

Whatever it takes.

Terminally Unique

You could tell them he has strict orders from the doctors not to drink at all for now.

Anna

Helen, I'm a bit stubborn on this point and I stick with 'No, thanks'.

eJoshua

It's probably a little different for you guys, having read Ross's story on here. I don't really have too many of the same friends I had when I was drinking, and those I do have know that I'm sober now, so it's a non-issue.

For new friends or acquaintances I've made I just go with a "No thanks, I don't drink." I've never had anyone push back on that.

For dealing with old drinking buddies, I think maybe you could try saying that he can't drink because of doctor's orders and you aren't drinking to show your support for him -- both of which wouldn't even be lies.

Fact of the matter is, you're probably going to have to separate yourself from some situations for at least a little time. It's really tough and not very fun to stay sober with a group of people that are wasted at a bar.

Dee74

Helen

I'm a muso too - a lot of my friends just didn't get it - but a lot did - I didn't have a heart attack but I really got myself into some stupid dangerous stuff...and I suffered a few mini strokes on my out of detox to recovery.

So many people told me they thought I'd die and they were thrilled to see me alive and so well.

Nearly dying made me (even more) cantankerous.

I got a bit tough really - I know whats good for me - if 'no thanks I don't drink anymore' didn't work, then I walked away.

D

DoinThis

I think real good friends/family should be supportive. All my friends were very supportive as it was obvious I drank too much. I'd be seriously bummed if someone was to push alcohol on me, seriously we are not 18!

U and Ross might be roll models for sobriety. If they are pushing booze on u they are probably embarrassed about how much they are drinking. Watching u guys get sober might help a lot of them rethink things. Ross said a lot of his old friends from the 80's are dead. Say u don't want to join them. Tell them this cat has used up his 9 lives! They will probably respect u so much when they see u are serious and can't be swayed

katrinka

Just tell them, "no alcohol, doctor's orders" and you're being supportive and hope all your friends will be too.

Amy2011

I had to decline social invitations in early recovery. I found it to hard to be around people who were drinking when I didn't know how to yet lead a happy, sober life. I decided I would rather be home sober then out drinking with friends. The friends and family I told about my recovery were supportive and understood I had to stay home for my own recovery. We have to make tough choices in recovery and I wanted to be sober more then I wanted to drink.