Is this Jealousy? I need to start recovering after being VERY jealous
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1
Is this Jealousy? I need to start recovering after being VERY jealous
Hi,
For about a month now I've been feeling really jealous of my girlfriend, so much so that I stop eating, I can barely focus on work and most of all I cant focus on my own life. What feels the worst however is that I think ive hurt my girl by acting like this.
Ive been dating my girlfriend for 2.5 yrs (shes 23, im 25) and its been amazing, we get along amazing, no fights ever, we dont do ton together as i play sports for relief and she watches her girl tv, but we hangout after we work, smoke weed, grab dinner here and there and the odd date, common I'd say. A month ago however I was texting my girl when she was at work and she stopped responding at say 8:30. She finished work at 9:30 and I still hadent heard from her by 11:00, uncharacteristic of her as she always texts me. She finally responds with "Im just chilling". When I call her 15 min later to say gnite as I went to sleep early for work she answered...I could tell she wasent at home so I asked where are you, she stumbled for a second and then said she was at a guys house from work, with a bunch of people she said. I responded by saying ok, have fun, but really I was hurt and jealous, she was at a guys house that used to text her a lot a year ago when they worked more together, and a year ago I got quite jealous of their relationship as well and from what I can remember that ended after she more or less stopped talking to him. Anyway, I texted her 15 min later saying give me a shout when youre home, just to say gnite. She called me 30 min later saying she was home, she could tell I was upset so she asked me and I said I was, that it sounded like I surprised her and that to me it seems sketchy that you'd go to his house late at night and not tell me about it at all (I checked her msg history in my jealous later and found the conversation between, talking about music interests, then he said something about 'when you come to my place tuesday', the night in question, so they had made a plan to meet). She assured me that they were hanging out with his roommate and 2 other guys just smoking weed and watching TV.
As soon as I heard her tell me she was at his house I was worried, and since then Ive been a wreck. We've talked a few times since and I never quite feel fully relieved. last night when we talked on the phone she could tell I was in my jealousy (i withdraw) and asked me what was wrong, I told her Ive felt jealous and that I havent been able to drop what happened a month ago from my mind. She said dont worry about it, that they just work together, that was the only time they'd hungout, that she thinks hes fat and not attracted to him, which I believe. Now however I cant help but think the opposite, despite how much I want to believe her, I feel like after work sometimes she might still go to his place and hangout/watch TV, something that we do together.
Ive talked to her multiple times this past month as she can tell something is wrong, I want to move past this and start trusting her again because I really have no reason not to trust her. I cant function as I used to, respond to everyday life with the same manner I used to, I keep worrying things are in jeopardy. We still see eachother as often as before, possibly a day or two more now as I love her company, and in our talk she tells me she loves me forever and that shes always there to talk if I need. I even talked to her friend and told her I felt jealous over this incident, and that I dont want to have hurt my girl, and could she tell if she was upset and just not telling me, to which her girlfriend told me thats the way she is, she keeps things to herself and its hard to tell if she is upset...so she may be a little upset by this, but she tells me theres nothing to worry about between us as nothing can come between us. Sometimes when we spend a few days together I am able to function much better when Im with her, but when she leaves I immediatly go back to my neurotic/jealous self.
we continue to behave like we always did, hanging out with each other and having the occasional date when we have time (work + sports takes a few days out of the week, we like to hangout together a few days and occasionally we go out once or twice a week)...however I have noticed the sex has decreased to once or twice a week in the past month (usually 2-3 times a week + lots of touching). i tell myself this is because ive been worrying so much so she wants to nurture me more than be turned on by me, so I feel like putting on a strong face and pretending everythings fine and still doesnt work, cant get her in the mood, even to touch, and my touch seems to annoy her a bit as she cuts me off often.
i continue to second guess myself, saying that she will see him, that we're not having sex because shes getting it elsewhere and I say I need to forget how I feel and l respond only to the positive thoughts that come to mind, yet I find any lul in our communication breeds terrible thoughts.
my question is does this sound like a whole lot of worry for nothing? and how can I go about my daily life, what tips can I use to prevent me from worrying so i can go back to normal?
For about a month now I've been feeling really jealous of my girlfriend, so much so that I stop eating, I can barely focus on work and most of all I cant focus on my own life. What feels the worst however is that I think ive hurt my girl by acting like this.
Ive been dating my girlfriend for 2.5 yrs (shes 23, im 25) and its been amazing, we get along amazing, no fights ever, we dont do ton together as i play sports for relief and she watches her girl tv, but we hangout after we work, smoke weed, grab dinner here and there and the odd date, common I'd say. A month ago however I was texting my girl when she was at work and she stopped responding at say 8:30. She finished work at 9:30 and I still hadent heard from her by 11:00, uncharacteristic of her as she always texts me. She finally responds with "Im just chilling". When I call her 15 min later to say gnite as I went to sleep early for work she answered...I could tell she wasent at home so I asked where are you, she stumbled for a second and then said she was at a guys house from work, with a bunch of people she said. I responded by saying ok, have fun, but really I was hurt and jealous, she was at a guys house that used to text her a lot a year ago when they worked more together, and a year ago I got quite jealous of their relationship as well and from what I can remember that ended after she more or less stopped talking to him. Anyway, I texted her 15 min later saying give me a shout when youre home, just to say gnite. She called me 30 min later saying she was home, she could tell I was upset so she asked me and I said I was, that it sounded like I surprised her and that to me it seems sketchy that you'd go to his house late at night and not tell me about it at all (I checked her msg history in my jealous later and found the conversation between, talking about music interests, then he said something about 'when you come to my place tuesday', the night in question, so they had made a plan to meet). She assured me that they were hanging out with his roommate and 2 other guys just smoking weed and watching TV.
As soon as I heard her tell me she was at his house I was worried, and since then Ive been a wreck. We've talked a few times since and I never quite feel fully relieved. last night when we talked on the phone she could tell I was in my jealousy (i withdraw) and asked me what was wrong, I told her Ive felt jealous and that I havent been able to drop what happened a month ago from my mind. She said dont worry about it, that they just work together, that was the only time they'd hungout, that she thinks hes fat and not attracted to him, which I believe. Now however I cant help but think the opposite, despite how much I want to believe her, I feel like after work sometimes she might still go to his place and hangout/watch TV, something that we do together.
Ive talked to her multiple times this past month as she can tell something is wrong, I want to move past this and start trusting her again because I really have no reason not to trust her. I cant function as I used to, respond to everyday life with the same manner I used to, I keep worrying things are in jeopardy. We still see eachother as often as before, possibly a day or two more now as I love her company, and in our talk she tells me she loves me forever and that shes always there to talk if I need. I even talked to her friend and told her I felt jealous over this incident, and that I dont want to have hurt my girl, and could she tell if she was upset and just not telling me, to which her girlfriend told me thats the way she is, she keeps things to herself and its hard to tell if she is upset...so she may be a little upset by this, but she tells me theres nothing to worry about between us as nothing can come between us. Sometimes when we spend a few days together I am able to function much better when Im with her, but when she leaves I immediatly go back to my neurotic/jealous self.
we continue to behave like we always did, hanging out with each other and having the occasional date when we have time (work + sports takes a few days out of the week, we like to hangout together a few days and occasionally we go out once or twice a week)...however I have noticed the sex has decreased to once or twice a week in the past month (usually 2-3 times a week + lots of touching). i tell myself this is because ive been worrying so much so she wants to nurture me more than be turned on by me, so I feel like putting on a strong face and pretending everythings fine and still doesnt work, cant get her in the mood, even to touch, and my touch seems to annoy her a bit as she cuts me off often.
i continue to second guess myself, saying that she will see him, that we're not having sex because shes getting it elsewhere and I say I need to forget how I feel and l respond only to the positive thoughts that come to mind, yet I find any lul in our communication breeds terrible thoughts.
my question is does this sound like a whole lot of worry for nothing? and how can I go about my daily life, what tips can I use to prevent me from worrying so i can go back to normal?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
It is very difficult when our significant relationships change. It can feel very threatening.
I have found that trying to not feel the way I do, and pretend everything is fine and that I am fine with everything has not worked for me.
I have also found that taking all my issues to the person I am feeling insecure with can be a poor choice as well.
For me, talking things out with a trusted friend or therapist to come to understand MY part of the situation, MY own feelings etc has helped me figure out how best to handle it. I often feel overwhelmed by my own feelings, and I am learning to navigate my own tumultuous sea.
I have found that trying to not feel the way I do, and pretend everything is fine and that I am fine with everything has not worked for me.
I have also found that taking all my issues to the person I am feeling insecure with can be a poor choice as well.
For me, talking things out with a trusted friend or therapist to come to understand MY part of the situation, MY own feelings etc has helped me figure out how best to handle it. I often feel overwhelmed by my own feelings, and I am learning to navigate my own tumultuous sea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Of course it's painful. Sounds to me like she may not be the girl for you. You don't want this, is it time to call it quits? Remember, it's very easy to try to make someone else a higher power, which may be what you've done. We alcoholics are prone to obsessions which for me are very painful. I suggest talking to a therapist or another alcoholic about how you feel. Life is too short to stay in this kind of drama.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
It sounds like you still don't trust her and frankly I wouldn't trust my boyfriend if I found out he was hiding his activities from me so you might be right not to trust her.
In terms of sex, it's not uncommon for the frequency of sex to decrease as couples settle into a relationship - I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's getting it elsewhere. A lot of things can affect a woman's sex drive - lots of things on her mind, being distracted by other thoughs, being hormonal, tired etc.
In terms of sex, it's not uncommon for the frequency of sex to decrease as couples settle into a relationship - I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's getting it elsewhere. A lot of things can affect a woman's sex drive - lots of things on her mind, being distracted by other thoughs, being hormonal, tired etc.
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