seethefuture

Ok, so I am stuck in that gray area I've read so much about where I think I can moderate my drinking. For the most part that is true. However, I see how much clearer I feel when I have nothing - not even that one glass of wine. I've been successful at doing that for several days, but did go out with some girlfriends last night and had a few drinks with them. This is giving me something to compare the other days with, and for that I am grateful.

Anyway, have been doing some thinking (lots and lots of thinking!) and realized that I would say I am a problem drinker that is headed toward full blown alcoholism. I don't drink a lot (quantity-wise) but was drinking daily (wine with a neighbor, dinner, etc.). There are occasional times where I have too much, and have a hangover. But, the need to drink daily is my biggest worry. I have a family history of it. And for the last few years, I've definitely used it to mask my feelings of hurt, worry, anxiety, etc.

I am in a loveless marriage and have elderly parents that are 1200 miles away and very much in need of my assistance. Every day of my life I have some sort of stress from these sources (and other places, too, like work, my teenager, etc.). Right now, I am trying to sort all of these life issues out and figure out how to deal with them in a rational, sober way.

So, I guess I am just rambling out loud - thanks for listening. I won't be drinking today. I have decided I do have to take the one day at a time approach.

I am also blessed with a few quiet days without the "husband" and my teenager, who is a wonderful child and a joy. But, having the solitude is what I need for this self-exploration.

Thanks for being here!

Flyersfan

So you have a glass of wine maybe 3-5 times a week with friends? Sounds like to me you are fine, If you start consuming more and more frequently and it effects your life then I would be worried...

Maybe you are worrying too much? If I have 1 glass on wine I would feel worse until I got 2 more in me, then I'd drive to make sure I had enough for the rest of the night....

Its good your taking a look at yourself though

Matt

seethefuture

Matt - I am simplifying my patterns, I guess. I feel like I am on that slippery slope - wanting more than I planned to have, planning to drink to begin with, etc. The last few times I've had a full on night out I've not remembered things.

So, that's what got me here. Thanks for your positive outlook!

GirlFromCO

Did you have blackouts? Those are a very serious sign.

IndaMiricale

One day at a time

seethefuture

GirlfromCO - yes, blackouts. I was out twice with friends - once at a concert and once just out dancing, and I don't remember the last part of the evening. I never have that problem when I am drinking moderately - these were "occasions", I guess you'd call them, because they were planned long nights out. So, it takes quite a quantity to get me there but I have to wonder what made me think it was a good idea to drink that much. Right? That's part of what's got me working on this.

Inda - yes, that's my plan.
Thanks!

GirlFromCO

Does it matter so much what led you to getting black out drunk, or just that you abstain completely? Blackouts indicate a potential for brain damage. Not good, and definitely not something you want to try to moderate your way through. Stay strong, okay?

seethefuture

Thanks for that. My friends say that one of my biggest character flaws is need to understand the "why" of everything. That's one of the things I am working on and that was a great reminder to stop analyzing the crap out of everything and everyone!

GirlFromCO

Ha! Me too. I think things get clearer with time, esp when you're sobering up.

DayTrader

See...... there are all sorts of "tests" online to determine if you're a problem drinker or not. 20 questions this, 40 questions that, did you drink in the mornings, did you do crazy stuff when you drank, did you get dui's..... I'm sure you've googled them already. I've not seen that those are gonna tell you much more than whether you're a problem drinker or not......and odds are, if you're posting here (other than friends or family), you ARE a problem drinker. LOL

AA uses 2 questions to qualify someone as alcoholic or not ---- that's it, 2 questions.

1. WHEN YOU START to drink (one or two), do you develop a craving for more? (non alkies get a one or two in em and tend to want to slow down.......drinking alcoholics of my type get 1 or 2 and the only thing in my head is "boy, can't wait for #3).

2. When you honestly want to, can you keep from starting or moderate successfully?

IF......you get that physical craving for more once you start......and can't keep yourself from starting........ I strongly suggest finding AA in your area. Maybe though, like you said, you can still decide to stop/moderate and carry it out.

A word of caution though......if you get that craving I mentioned in #1 above, your odds of moderating for long are not something I'd bet on.

2granddaughters

stf, are you going to AA meetings? What recovery plan are you following?

Bob R

seethefuture

DayTrader - I can just not start but if I have one, then I want two. I can usually stop at 2 but sometimes more - depending on the situation - I live in an area where social drinking is the norm - everywhere - as in visiting your neighbor, brunch on weekends, catching up with friends after work, etc. It's all centered around getting a drink.

2Granddaughters - I posted a little bit back about what I was doing - no meetings right now as this is a town where everyone knows everyone, so if I decide to go that route I'll drive to another area - easy enough to go 15 minutes away. I have a friend in recovery that I talk to some as well. At this point I am trying to restructure my days and life in general to make things less stressful, prioritize, etc., and see how I do. My goal right now was to be more active on this board and do the above things, which I am doing, so I feel like I am moving in the right direction.