bailey17

Me and AXBF broke up a few weeks ago. I told him it was either he face up to his problems and we talk, or he leaves. He chose to leave. Things have been great, I have been doing better, and it is nice without him. I have stayed strong with the no contact, and he hasn't attempted to contact me.

Last week I asked him to come over to get his stuff out of the house, and to resolve all of our financial matters. He showed up for about 5 minutes, only took a few things, and completely blew me off concerning finances.

I know not everyone's situation is the same, but I have read other posts where the ex begs to come back and begs for forgiveness. Mine did none of that. He left me to drink heavily and gamble,he left the dogs, his home,his personal items, and all of his responsibilities. Now I am left in the wake, trying to take care of everything, pay all of our bills, while working and going to grad school full time.

I feel hurt and abandoned. Why has he walked away from all of this? Like i said, i really am doing well, but i can't stop thoughts like how he must be so much happier without me, was i really that terrible, did he meet another woman, etc etc. Does he think its okay to stick me with paying all of the bills and taking care of the entire household??

I am still waiting on the codependent and alanon books I ordered, so here I am asking for any kind of insight on my feelings of being "abandoned".

justrae83

Wow baily, you sound like me. Lol I am sure you have read all the post that I have posted the past few months. I too was asking everyone on this form, how come he didn’t beg me to come back, why did he just leave me and throw 6 years away like It was trash and I ment nothing to him, why did the new girl he fell in love with a week after we broke up want him more then me, what did she have that I didn’t…why , why, why!? Well I said these things to my therapist and you know what she said? “ok, so he begs to come back…now what?” I sat there and said…at least I knew he would of cared.

She told me that was my EGO talking, I wanted to know that he at least loved me enough to want to come back but the bottom line is, I wouldn’t have taken him back. He wont come back she said, because he is an addict and they don’t have the capabilities of love like we do as “normal people”. She told me to stop thinking of him as a normal man with a normal heart! You are not allowing him to be involved anymore with your life…so let him do it on his own. He is not begging to come back because his heart was not invested as much yours (hard to understand I know).

GOOD LUCK STAY STRONG.

silkspin

Not everyone reacts the same way. Perhaps he is solid enough in the addiction that it's a relief to separate in order to go that way without issue. Wondering why is pretty useless because it's doubtful you will ever really know why (even if he tells you because even he may not truly know or may not tell you the truth).

No it's not ok to leave you hanging holding the bag, but it's what people suffering from addiction do. They really have poor insight into their actions and behaviour as the alcohol distorts their thought process. Recognizing this hopefully can help you deal with the bills and a bit with the emotional hurt. Having expectations of them that they cannot possibly fill is something that just brings you more pain and anguish because of your frustrations regarding their actions.

If someone has been given a choice and clearly chosen the path of destruction, then honestly you are lucky - if he stayed and strung you along but never stopped the addictive behaviour, then that may be a worse fate than you grieving and eventually moving on from the experience.

Allow yourself to grieve - it's ok to be sad, angry, the whole shebang. It is a terrible place to be in but one that is necessary for your healing to begin. Write out your thoughts, meditate, punch a pillow, scream.

wynter

Bailey,
I feel your pain. BTDT, but it's with RABF...so one would think that makes some kind of a difference. WRONG, at least in my case. I know exactly where you're coming from when you say you can't understand how he can simply walk off and not try at all to come back. I am (finally) getting from my own experience that we can't take this stuff personally. Very hard to do, I know. GF of mine who has her own experience with XAH said it's just their personality -- and as one of the other posters here said, they are like little 10 yr olds that run away from home. And, yes, poor insight into their actions is at the root of it.

My own experience has been that my RABF is (most times) insensitive to my needs, and can be thoughtless and at times downright mean. He is NOT drinking, and goes to meetings, seems somewhat stable. Still...it's a hard road and a challenge a lot of times to find my footing with him. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall most times.

So my best advice would be to take care of YOU, and know that this is the way they are hard-wired, and has no reflection on you as a person, and how much he valued or didn't value your relationship. I think it is their ego -- and they just don't think the way we do. Without therapy, this is what they are. If he was still drinking, you are so much better off -- think of it as dodging a bullet and be grateful.

I'm sure he will look back (sooner than later) and wish for what he had. Men are always a little late in that regard Let him go. Save yourself more hurts.

hugs
wynter

naive

i would guess he walked away so he could drink in peace. in my experience, it was that and mine also walked away in order to gain the upper hand in the relationship. it was some sort of sick control game.

it took me a very long time to realize how utterly selfish mine was. everything was about his needs. once he used up all of my money, i was easily tossed aside for anyone who still had money. it takes a lot of money to drink all day everyday, see.

perhaps you feel abandoned because you actually have been abandoned. he just walked away from you and all the shared financial responsibilites. that is actually abandonment.

for myself, i had to try to look honestly at my expectations. this was one of the roots of my denial. i expected him to be fair. i expected him to appreciate the fact that i shared my life's savings with him. i expected him to feel sorry when he hurt me.

he was not capable of that yet i still expected it. over and over again he proved he was not capable...yet i refused to believe it.

save yourself a lot of heartache and believe him when he shows you who he is. he is a drunk who will walk out on all his responsibilites. he is a user who will leave you struggling to pay the bills whilst he parties.

in my opinion, this is not the last you have heard of him. his new roommates might be a bit less naive and toss him out quickly. should he have a new lover, she might be a bit like him and see through him quickly. that's what happened to mine, anyway. his new enablers tossed him out and he was back on my doorstep, all wretched and apologetic. should this happen to you, be prepared. it is not because he is really sorry, it's because he is now homeless and remembers your cozy nest. he will say all the right things. don't fall for it.

no contact is best. good on you for cutting off his phone. you'll do yourself a favor if you can change your phone number.

play this situation all the way through in your head....imagine your life five years from now when you have finished grad school and have a good job....imagine his life five years from now, bartending and drinking...you are at a crossroad...it's difficult now but this too will pass.

fourmaggie

OMG love, be so thankfull that he did not take you down as a REAL HOSTAGE...you got away easy...reading all the horror stories, i am one of the lucky ones that my A/NA did not take me down with him...thank god...my HP has a plan for me...

grieve him/grieve the fantasy....leave him to his Higher Power...
now its time for you with your Higher Power...let go and let god, take it one day at a time!

((hugs))

Cyranoak

Why are you thinking about him rather than thinking about yourself? IMHO it's very unhealthy (although fairly common).

Have you explored counseling or Alanon to figure out the answer to this question? If not, I encourage you to do so or I fear you'll just find another "him."

Take care,

Cyranoak

Shadydeal

I understand how and why you feel that way. In truth we should be grateful but it still hurts. Your thinking with a clear head, you set boundaries. My XABF usually comes back, sometimes it's only to help him pick up the pieces and stand up again.....only to do it again and again. Dumb me....I took him back again and again. This time I drew a line, ended up calling the police when he came back and he just can't believe it. No way! I have heard little from him in the last month. I think your situation will resurface but then you have to stay strong. Me too! For me, I truly believe he likes when I am not there, he can drink...sleep...drink and keep repeating the behavior. When he can no longer get by....here he comes. It sounds like I am being ugly about his illness. I don't mean to come across that way. It's not funny but that's how it goes...sad! We all have pride or an ego of some sort, when their active it's typically someone else fault. Hang in there.

Diva76

Bailey17!
My thoughts are sooo with you...
I went through something very similar...
I'm at school at the moment, so hang in there in the meantime...
I promise I'll be back later on so I can give your post
the attention it deserves....

I know EXACTLY how you feel...

Diva 76

Charon

No! I guarantee he's not happier. He is simply able to indulge himself with no responsibility. Be gald that you are rid of this slug. Shed his financial responsibilities and take care of yourself. You sound like a wonderfully caring woman. There are many men out there who would be gratefull for your companionship. Be happy that you escaped early'

littlemutt

I can so relate. I had threatened/tried to leave my AXBF a couple of times, and every time he begged and reasoned (I didn't know I could be reasoned out of a breakup, but I'll just add that to the list of things I've learned) why I should stay. Then, when I finally did it... nothing. No begging, no sappy phone calls, no questions of why. On one hand, I logically know this makes it much easier and it removes chances for me to give him another chance, but on the other hand, I feel SO TOTALLY REJECTED.

I'm learning now that that's mostly due to my wanting to have control and my ego needing stroking. I'm used to having all the control in a breakup - walking away, telling them it's over, repeatedly telling them it's still over, and finally telling them to stop calling. This time I didn't get to do all of that... he sort of just blew me off for a week, and then I told him we're done, and then it was just over. I've heard from him once, in one measly text message with 3 measly words. My ego is so offended. As far as the ego stroking, I'm starting to learn how to not need that so much, but I think that'll be a really hard one for me to let go of.

Consider it for the best that you're getting the space and that you don't have too much temptation to go back. That's the way I've looked at it and it helps a bit. Also, here is a duck to help. I found him in the smiles list.

Diva76

Hello Bailey17

I'm glad to hear that you're coping with what sounds like a very difficult situation...
And, by the way, I don't think it's at all unreasonable that he's been on your mind, given this all just happened a few weeks ago...
Back in October, I went through a very similar situation and I too, felt abandoned..
But here's the thing...both of us rejected these guys in the hopes that they would each want to step up to the plate and address their issues...
In other words, neither you nor I wanted to break things off, but at the same time, we're both wise enough to know that being involved with someone who has an active addiction is a deal breaker...
Chances are, he's not calling you because you remind him of the very thing he needs to confront in himself...
By not facing you, he can continue to dance with his denial...
Perhaps, in 6 months you can look him up to see how he's doing?
While you can't be the one to save him, there's nothing wrong with letting him know you care about his well-being without getting directly involved...
I do know how you feel though...
If you click on my name, feel free to read my first post....
I'm pretty sure you'll see your own story in it...
Who knows?
Maybe we're both better off???
Thank you for sharing your story...
With or without these guys, we are both going to be just fine!

All the best,


Diva76