MississippiGirl

First time post so I am hoping I am in the right place. Short history. I dated a man (recovering alcoholic) 3 1/2 years ago. It ended badly. He had been sober for approx. 4 months when we met. I adored him but as the relationship progressed it became toxic. He became paranoid. I was accused of lying, cheating and overall being dishonest every time I took a breath. It was almost easier for him to believe I was terrible than for me to try to prove that I was not doing anything wrong. I found that daily, I had to defend something. The relationship finally ended. It left me feeling totally worthless, battered and small. I knew I was good and was not the horrible person that he insisted that I was. a few years passed. He was doing amendments. He contacted me and I agreed to meet with him. We talked, we left but after further contact we saw each other again and started a new relationship. After almost 6 months, I see the wonderful things that AA has done for him. He is totally different. He is respectful and listens, he does not bully and intimidate. We communicate well and when something comes up, we both work very hard to make sure we are both understanding of whatever given situation. Throughout the past few months he has been doing inventories. Every single time he does this, our relationship is questioned. I guess this is normal. I really don't know. I am in so much pain right now. He has began another inventory. Just last night he told me that he has seen no change in me from the past years. He has seen no actions. He says I have a cloak of secrecy and cannot make my life transparent to him. Throughout his recovery, he has had to be open and transparent to remain sober. I am quiet and restrained, he is boisterous and totally open. I am bashful, he is outgoing. What hurts me so much is that years ago, he didnt care who I was. He didn't want to know me. It was all about him. All of these insane things were in his head. Now he takes inventory and we are back to what he thinks was true years ago even though we have talked repeatedly about things. He says he believes what I say - I guess at least he is listening and trusting but really he is not. I feel like I am the recovering alcoholic (but I don't drink), in the program, doing the steps, amending and taking inventory. I feel if I don't respond like the Book says HE should respond then I am doing something wrong. If I don't make amends according to HIS program, I am again doing something wrong. I am me, he is him. Everyone is different in how they respond, react and forgive...etc..etc.. I still adore this man. I want for this to work. It's not like I am a child dealing with this..I am a grown woman trying to understand and support him. I feel as if I am being beat down when I am expected to follow what his Book suggests he do to remain sober and to grow. I have to make amends to him for things I have never done. I have to communicate in such an extroverted way for him to feel secure and safe. I am so lost..so confused. I offer to talk about pasts. He declines, later I am accused of not communicating, refusing to put his safety and security first. With him, he feels safe and secure when he is totally open and transparent FIRST...thus assuming that he has created an open line to anything in his life. With me it is opposite. Once I feel safe and secure, I am open and transparent. I guess I am in shock. I feel horrible while he is smiling and explaining to me that he has no choice but to communicate in this manner. I am in pain and feel so tiny and he says he is happier than he has ever been in his life. Why do I have to follow the Book? Is there anyway to tell him that I am not an alcoholic and this isn't how I naturally communicate and that forcing me to communicate like that is impossible? OK - I have told him this but complaints are still very much there. What do I do? How do I do it? Everyone is is probably now more confused than I am. I just need advice. I need help. Accept my apology in advance if I have posted in the wrong place.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, MississippiGirl. I hope you find experience, strength, and hope here on this forum like I have.

Your guy is still lost and finding his way through what sobriety means and the changes one makes to become a better person. He is instead taking YOUR inventory. He's also being judgmental. Doesn't sound to me as if he is ready for a relationship, not one that is healthy. Sometimes it takes a long time for the alcoholics to work and understand a program like AA.

I'd stop justifying and explaining yourself as if you will sometime soon say the magic words. He's just not ready for that yet. Who you are is who you are and there is nothing wrong with that.

Do you attend Al-Anon? Read any books about alcoholics and behaviors? Might be a good place to start.

And read here - this place is full of great wisdom!
Take good care,
~T

djayr

This guy sounds like a nightmare. Typical alcoholic (sober or drunk) -- very needy, world revolves around him, his many "issues" are somehow YOUR burden to carry, overly focussed on HIS addiction, HIS recovery, HIS problems. He is also crazy-controlling, distrustful, in constant need of affirmation.

My humble opinion, if there are no kids and you are not legally married, I would give you this advice: RUN. You can do better. It would be better to be alone.

I just say this after 17 years of marriage to my AW who is still drinking every single day, in spite of countless consequences. It might get better for a while, but it always seems to end up in the same crappy place.

I wish you all the best.

EnglishGarden

Oh, this is painful to read. I have been in your shoes, Mississippi. I remember what it feels like to sit with someone still operating with an addict personality, and the mindf*** that involves. I actually feel a little sick inside because that was the feeling for me then. Nausea. Anxiety. Fear. Confusion.

The addict seems so reasonable, so superior, so PATIENT yet DISAPPOINTED with the gf or spouse.

He has a history of lies, emotional abuse, betrayal, abandoning in the relationship. He has acted in ways that tell us we have NO REASON ON EARTH to trust him.

Yet, there he sits, maybe even with an AA Big Book in his coat pocket, and he sums us up, analyzes us, and tells us what's wrong with us. After he has been living in complete and utter insanity for YEARS.

You are being brainwashed. He is step by step assuming control of your thinking. This is the insidious domination--so cunning and subtle--which is a keynote of emotional abuse in the addict relationship.

You love him, I know, but your post makes me feel sick inside and for me, that is my Higher Power telling me, "Remember what it was like. Stay awake if the abf comes back. What's happening to her could again happen to you."

Mississippi, be careful. Get help. Don't allow this self-serving grandiose man puff himself up at your expense.

There is nothing wrong with you. You should absolutely be cautious when an addict comes back into your life, having caused damage to you in the past, and you should absolutely say to yourself and to him, "I don't know if I can trust you."

Six months is not near enough time to trust an addict who has made a loop back.

Stay defended. And don't be alone with his brain.

naive

right on, english garden.

MississippiGirl

EnglishGarden
I am taken aback by your words. Your thoughts certainly echo mine only that yours are written far better..it is almost like you are reading my heart and mind. You are so wise and there are not enough hugs to thank you for words that I will literally copy down and keep in my wallet. It has been 24 hours - I still feel terrible, sick, small, insufficient and less than a person. My eyes are still swollen and the headache has yet to go away. I more than appreciate your kindness and also that of everyone else whom has posted. I am looking into some local meetings to help. I do not want to dig into something deeper. I cant say enough - thank you EnglishGarden..many hugs to you.

madisonblake

I'm not going to have anything positive to say about this situation either. I just had recent contact with my boyfriend after he had only been sober for a few months and it was the dumbest thing I could have done. Even when he did get sober (well, if he truly was), he was just an angry, manipulative and abusive person. I don't know alot about AA or the 12 steps but I do know that they are supposed to take inventory of themselves, NOT YOU! That's so insane.

lillamy

Why does he not find a woman who is all those things he's trying to turn you into?

It seems like - forgive the metaphor - he bought a convertible and is now upset it's not an SUV.

You are enough. A person who loves you doesn't fault you for being who you are.

LoveAllGone

I just want to say that I just joined this group a few days ago myself and it is one of the best things I could have done for myself because many of the people on here have great advice and have either been where you are or are in the exact same place.

Getting the courage to walk away is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and if you aren't too involved with this man...run for the border honey. This man sounds just like my soon to be ex husband (APRIL 17th..breaking the bonds). Don't get me wrong, I will always love him for the man I wanted him to be...lol. Sounds bad I know but without the alcohol he could be a great person. Although, after a month or so without it, the more controlling and demanding he would become and pointing out all "my" faults and what "I" needed to be changing. The one that was just hilarious to me was the fact that he told me with the "next" guy I needed to work on my sex drive because I acted as if it was a duty to have sex with him...lol. I said well the next guy won't be a lying, controlling, drunk so maybe it won't feel like such a duty if I actually feel "loved". He was just the type of person that if you didn't jump his bones every time he walked in the door and feed his selfish ego continously...it gave him a perfect excuse to drink (in his mind). I have been in this 10 yrs and I tried my best to change everything he demanded I change to be that person he wanted me to be and it doesn't matter what "you" do, the alcohol will always come first until he decides to do it for himself and on his own.

I agree the one of the posts above...if he's looking for something so different...tell him to go out there and find it. I did--if I don't meet your satisfaction and I obviously never will, why don't you go find someone that can accept you for what you are? Go find you someone that has nothing better to do with their time that to have sex 10 times a day. I have a full time job as a mother, homemaker, and a 40hr work week. I don't have time to cater to a man hand and foot!!!!