jv369

wish me luck guys.

i went down the wrong road, and before anything i would like to apologize to dee for my arrogant and drunken PMs a while back.

i have been drinking nightly for the last 2 weeks now. i've been off work(not for alcohol related issues, i am self employed) and have been "living it up". i've been drinking about 10-15 drinks a night. the last 3 have been bad though. i have had it in my mind to quit so each morning when i wake up i have been taking a klonopin(0.5mg, and it certainly helps) but by the time night rolls around i have given in and drink again.

i know this is not good, this is the last thing i have wanted to do. this could easily turn in to much worse withdrawals if i continue down this road. on top of everything i have started smoking while drunk again. i'm sick of this.

tomorrow i am done. i will stick with the klonopin(which was prescribed to me for withdrawals) and i will not drink. i am posting this in the hopes that it will strengthen my resolve tomorrow when i read it again.

i've been like a broken record here and i need to make this stop, i am rapidly becomming the same mess i was in 06. i simply cannot let it get there and i must stay sober.

i will go back to aa, even though i do not agree with their religious based program(lets face it, it is). but i'm done. i am at least thankfull i have what i need to get through it. i just need to take it as prescribed and not fall to temptation.

i will check back in the morning(probably afternoon). this sucks, but i know you all know that.

Dee74

I'm really glad you're back and doing something about it jv

D

Homebody

Please let us know how you are doing in the morning. I can tell the pain in your words and know that you want to change. It was kind of you to apologize to Dee.

jv369

thanks, i appreciate the support. right now i am wasted, yet i feel like garbage.....a true sign this is not working for me.

over the last week or so i have come to the realization that i need to take some more pro-active measures in dealing with this. i am sure that i suffer from some form of GAD and maybe depression, and i have decided to see a phsych about it. medicating myself with alcohol is only making the problem worse. i plan to stop tom, seek counselling and later on attack my anxiety/depression with the phsych.

thanks again.

Sapling

Just get the idea it's a religious program out of your head...Pick a Higher Power of your choice...One that only you understand...It seems like alcohol is your Higher Power right now...Use the group if you have to....This program will work for anyone...I've seen it...Just open your mind and do it...Or try something else...Because what you are doing right now...Isn't working.

DayTrader

Really jv, it's NOT. The only ppl I've heard who say it is are those who aren't in it or who had a cursory pass through AA. Anyone I know who's happily recovered, ESPECIALLY the ppl who also have strong religious beliefs, will tell you there's a world of difference between their religion and AA. (If anyone would like to discuss this with me, please shoot me a PM. Let's not derail the thread please. 2 contradictory opinions have been expressed.....let's leave it to the readers to decide for themselves).


Whatever you do though, good luck to you. I hope you're willing to do what it takes to get sober and get happy - you certainly deserve it.

Purplecatlover

You have the power to get off the merry go round. Do whatever it takes to find it.
My depression & anxiety has all but disappeared after 9 1/2 wks sober.
Here I thought I was drinking b/c I was depressed, all along I was depressed b/c I was drinking. Find the strength, you can do it.

Firehazard

Hey man good thanks for sharing your struggles. You mentioned "living it up" and that may be true then and now at times but brother it can get much....much ....worse in your life given time. In fact, alcoholism is defined as a progressive disease.

jv369

thanks for the support again. regarding aa, aa is very much a regional thing. i tried aa 6 years ago in a very much open and understanding city(vancouver) and i found it great(along with na). i have since moved to the suburbs and found a whole new animal, the people here are highly religious and i find it hard to take. but if that means i have to drive a 1/2-1hr to make a meeting that helps me i will do it.

i just woke up and am feeling terrible, i took my meds and plan on going back to sleep. i will not drink today, i will update again once i get back up.

edit: i have seen and experienced the "much worse", this is what i am trying to avoid right now.......

Sapling

I didn't even know that's where all the religious people were....I always wondered where the hell they went.

IndaMiricale

I am not religous at ALL. But I am spiritual now. I was one of those that simply used the people at my home group as my HP, and I guess I still do but also have found my very own now.

langkah

Great you're back, keep trying.

ABIDEBYLAW

"Tomorrow" is today. Are you sober now?
Good luck!

Anna

We're here to help you get through this.

I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking today.

jv369

i'm sober. just got up. feel like garbage as expected but at least the anxiety is under control. i am still resolute, i will not drink today. it's gonna be rough, but i will stick it out. thanks.

jv369

i have always been spiritual to some degree, and i used the people as my HP when i was living in the city. most of them did, and a lot were younger people like me(30 right now). out here it seems most are over 50 and most preach the program in a very religious manner. i went to a local "roundup" and i simply could not stand it, i had to leave mid-day and i went in really excited about it.

i don't now what i am gonna do, but i know i have to do whatever it takes to stay sober. today is day 1 and today all i am focusing on is day 1.

vinyl

I was right there 6 days ago, man. Stay strong and if you keep checking into this thread all night I'll keep jumping in here too, if anything just to be an ear for you. The first day is torture but you can do this. Keep coming back in here if you can to update us on how you're feeling. Seriously, that's what got me through it. Reach out and don't ****ing give up!

I'm on day 6, btw. Not far from where you're starting, so it's very fresh in my mind.

jv369

thanks vinyl. i've had too many day 1's to count, i have a rough idea of what i am in for.

right now i feel nauseous more than anything. i'm also very drowsy and foggy, but that's likely from the klonopin. i'm just thankful i don't have the crushing anxiety that usually comes along with a detox. my level of drinking wasn't anywhere close to what it was in the past, so my detox should only last a few days at most. if i get to tomorrow i'll be good, it's the plan of action after that that is important.

vinyl

I've had many of those day one's myself, until this last one six days ago. That was it, I'm done and I hope you're feeling the same drive to end the cycle as well. Stay strong tonight.

jv369

ok, this is getting bad. even with the klonopin my anxiety is through the roof right now. i must have really gotten myself deep this time. i'm thinking about caving but i know for a fact that would be a really bad idea.

it's gonna be a very long night.