Missy7

So I managed 26 days earlier this year and allowed myself wine with dinner. Then went off the deep end. So at least I'm up to 26 days in a row. Not today, but recently.

I haven't been sharing this because I'm so tired of it. I also have to say that the sense of not belonging to the club is disheartening. My experience with SR has been extremely positive, but sometimes people make it seem too easy. Sometimes people act like you can just quit. It's not about my willpower. What I have done in my life given what I started with is impressive. Willpower is my middle name. It's something else, and I don't understand it. Sadly, the way that keeps playing in my head is that there's nothing wrong with me and I can moderate. Then I disprove that theory.

So I'm back and forth and really struggling with depression. I work like crazy (I know you're tired of hearing that), but I am now (sort of) off for four days so I don't know what to do with myself--despite having LOTS to do.

I literally don't know how those of you who live alone do it. I cannot be left alone. I have to run full tilt or I start looking for ways to screw things up.

Please. I have been to AA. I've been to the therapist. I'm just checking in.

My experience tells me that it gets better. I'm going to try to let that happen.

Dinner is on and then TV till bed.

Hi SR. I'm sorry to let you down.

Sapling

Not me....I couldn't do it on my willpower no matter how many times I tried....My willpower sucked....I needed some extra power.

Dee74

Willpower didn't do me much good either missy.
Acceptance, of what I was and what I needed to do, was far more beneficial.

The struggle is to get there.

It's not easy - you're right - but then neither was the drunken life I led either.

I'm not let down - you're still leaps and bounds ahead of where I was for most of my life

I'm glad you're back - maybe it's time to think about raising your support a notch or two?

D

eJoshua

Well first of all you haven't let anyone down here, so don't worry about it. I'm happy you felt comfortable to come here and share where you're at.

There was nothing easy about quitting for me. I think most people reach a point where they become desperate and finally decide they need to make the life changes necessary to keep themselves sober.

I'm a super extreme person, so I knew I had to take drastic measures to ensure I stayed sober. What I decided to do was to move back into my parent's house, form bonds with people in a recovery group and work on my stuff in counseling. Until I committed to those changes I was stuck in the revolving door of addiction, recovery, and relapse.

I knew if I went back to my old house with my old roommates when I got out of rehab I would go back to my old ways within a month or two, so I decided to move into my parent's house. I decided to sacrifice my privacy -- I've been staying in a guest room here and living out of a suitcase for nearly a year. Sure it may sound extreme, but that's what I had to do to keep myself sober. If my parent's wouldn't have been able to take me back in I would have gone to a halfway house.

This probably isn't the road that you need to take. Your journey will look different. The important thing is that you have to make recovery your number one priority in a very practical way. If that means sacrificing your comfort, your job, your privacy, your friends, your home, whatever, then that's what it takes.

I don't think this means you have to hit any kind of bottom though. I consider the point of desperation to be whenever you get sick enough of where you're at to make the changes you have to make to ensure you get where you want to be.

So for me, it wasn't easy at all, but it was simple and just required that I quit sitting on the threshold of recovery and finally come to terms with the fact that I don't drink and I have to do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

Missy7

Maybe I'm mis defining willpower. And maybe I'm overintrepeting the situation. I'm doing okay. I'm not confused about what I need to do. I'm not confused about what I don't need to do.

I'm so much better off than I was a year ago, but my path is pretty rocky. Granted it's not as rocky as some...but I'm pretty stubborn. Then I wake up and want to die.

I guess the question is: did anyone else manage to quit even though they still wanted to drink? If I didn't want to drink I could quit.

Sapling

If you're not done yet missy....It sure isn't going to make it easier. I quit because I couldn't fight it anymore....I was done.

Amy2011

Nothing about early recovery was easy for me. I just knew I couldn't go on living my life like I had been. My way wasn't working so I had to try something new. I decided I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I had to completely change my life and learn how to live a sober life. After a few months I started to become more comfortable with the sober me and accept that to move forward alcohol was off limits. We don't usually end up as alcoholics seeking to change in a matter of days or months and recovery works the same way. It takes time to learn to live a sober life. I remind myself every day that I can now look in the mirror without feeling guilt, shame, embarrassement, and remorse. I can remember the whole night when I wake up in the morning. Things aren't always easy, but I never feel as bad as I did when I was drinking. Accepting nothing changes if nothing changes was key for me. Keep going forward one day at a time, than those days turn in to month, and those months turn into a year. I have 1 year tomorrow and I couldn't be more thankful to God, AA, and those who post on SR to have my life back.

eJoshua

Don't pay any attention to me, I'm feeling overly verbose tonight.

To answer your question though, I still wanted to drink when I quit. If I'm being totally honest with myself, I wasn't even sure I was going to follow through with it when I went into rehab. I just made the commitment for the 30 days and thought I'd go from there. In rehab I realized that sober living could actually be a good thing and by the time I got out I was committed to staying clean.

If we didn't want to drink we wouldn't really be alcoholics.

Sapling

Happy Birthday Amy....Keep coming back.

Amy2011

Thanks! I plan on it.

sugarbear1

I spent 25 years of quitting daily, only to find more the next day. The few times I had dry time, I was happier, but until things got really bad and I finally surrendered, did I find that I can stay stopped.

It's not easy. I've had more than 10 months of sobriety, but this time around, I experienced the steps and they seem to be working. Life is not peaches and cream, but today I can see the rays of the sunshine and not just dark clouds of doom. Every day is a new beginning.

25 years of heartache....it's not easy to stay stopped, but it is doable.

Keep trying!

Missy7

Congrats Amy that's great. And thanks eJoshua.

I could really work through the process. When I have to live through a day after a night "out," I am ready to quit. So I quit and I recover and I feel better and then I find my way back to convincing myself I'm over it.

The rules are so simple. I just can't get that kind of acceptance.

And eJ, be verbose. I really appreciate your feedback.

Dee74

I'm wary of projecting my experience so...you may or may not see parallels here

I nearly killed myself - and I still wanted to drink.

I didn't want to have to change my life and I didn't want to be different from everyone else.

I didn't want to be beaten. I hate being beaten.

I'd accomplished so much - I didn't see why a simple *liquid* could beat me.

Truth is, my addiction loved that - pride is as good a weapon to use against me as anything else.

I was stubborning myself right into the ground.

I had to just... get over myself...y'know?

I'd tried drinking...no matter how hard I tried, it didn't work.
I'm not a good drinker.

I had to try something different

D

DisplacedGRITS

You haven't let SR down, Missy. You have to do this for yourself, no one else. Also, your willpower alone won't get you through this. If you've been to AA you've probably heard that. Take it in and really absorb the lessons and steps of AA. Find a sponsor and bring your body to meetings, even when you don't feel like going. Don't feel obligated to talk. Sometimes just listening to the others in the group share helps me understand a step or tradition better and gives me greater understanding of my addiction. I wish you well and keep moving forward.

soberred

I am with you Missy. I was at 5 months and on New Years Eve I thought I could celebrate and moderate. Well here it is March 28 and I am at 5 days sober. When I say I went off the deep end, I mean the deep end. They are not kidding when they say alcoholism is progressive. In a weeks time I consumed 4-5 bottles of vodka. WOW! I should have died of alcohol poisoning. I got off track here but the point I am trying to make is that neither one of us can moderate. Not now, not ever. I can never have even a sip of alcohol again. NEVER. I excepted that yesterday. You didn't let anyone down but yourself. At least you know that you are not alone. Glad to see you are back.

BelizeDiver

OK, to be straight with you, I still want to drink bad. I just know if I do I will die. I can not just have one, if I do I know I can't live the life I want to live.

For me I had to make a simple choice, booze or a better life. That's it, simple to say but very very very hard to implement.

If you want to implement an alcohol free life it does not mean you will not want to drink. We all still do. It does not mean you have to join this or read that etc, etc...It simply means you need to take control and become the Captain of your future.

When the addiction on your journey boat stands up and says just one, as the Captain of your ship it is your duty to say sit the **** down because we are in rough water and you will capsize the boat.

Terminally Unique

It is precisely because of the crazy desire to drink that people quit drinking, Missy, and they do so in spite of that desire. As long as you keep drinking, your addiction will demand more, and you will always want to drink.

All addicted people want to keep drinking while simultaneously avoiding all the bad consequences of doing so. If you didn't want to drink, I very much doubt that you would be on this forum. Everyone who quits wants to keep drinking, and waiting for the desire to drink to go away is not a good plan, because that day will never arrive. Quitting drinking and living sans alcohol is what will allow this desire to dissipate.

freshstart57

Missy, it is so simple to get to where you want to be, so very simple. The big difficulty in this is finding out how to make it easy for yourself. Learning how to do that is what I call 'my journey'. I hope you will continue to travel on your path to your own place of peace and serenity.

SSIL75

Yes. You have to understand that the 'alcoholic voice' you are nurturing will not going away until you starve it.

Nirvana1

Here is my post from another thread. Read between the lines and you'll know what I'm suggesting.