LoveAllGone

I would like to tell my story of being with an alcoholic for 10 years and the hell I’ve been through in hopes that maybe by getting these things off my chest and out there that my story will help someone else to see that sometimes there is just no other option except to save yourself and children. I am 26 years old and if I wasn’t getting a divorce next month, we would be coming up on our 7th year of marriage but we won’t make it because we’ll be divorced a week before our anniversary. We have a four year old son together and he is the main reason I’ve stayed this long. There are other reasons—I love him, I wanted to help him, I felt sorry for him, I felt like if he loved me enough he would just put it down and we could be happy together and I used all of these excuses just to justify my efforts. Even though I’ve had little help from him (we have always kept our finances and everything separate because of all the trouble he tends to get himself into) I have managed to acquire a nice home on 2 acres of land, the vehicles of choice, and even my Bachelor’s Degree. I make pretty good money myself and he’s always worked construction (every drunks dream) so we’ve done pretty decent until he gets another DUI and then the money he was giving to the household becomes lawyer fees and bond money and so on and so forth. He’s been arrested 5 times for DUI but has only been charged twice because he forks out the money to basically buy his way out of them. Therefore, in his warped way of thinking, who cares if he drinks and drives or even gets caught...he’ll just pay his way out of it. He’s always thought he is above the law. It’s like living with two different people because there are these glimpses of the man I fell in love with at times and then out comes this cocky belligerent ******* (excuse the language). I have been living on a false hope for as long as I can remember. I was 17 when we met, he was 21, and he always throws this one at me “You met me drinking and didn’t have problem with it then so what is the problem now?” Well, the problem is that you’ve cost me my sanity, somewhere around 30,000 has been spent on trying to keep your ignorant butt out of jail, and at 17 it doesn’t really cross your mind that this guy could be an alcoholic. I thought we were all just kind of sewing our oats and we’d grow up like most people do and that would be that. Maybe an occasional drink here and there but NOTHING like the hell I’ve been through with it. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and at times I destroy beer cans just to make myself feel better because I feel like Bud Light has literally destroyed my life!!!! Lol =) You just have to find some humor in all the madness or it will get the better of you. My alcoholic is a good person beneath it all…he has a Samaritan heart and would give the shirt right off his back to help anyone in need. He’s never been overly violent when he drinks—he just gets stupid (I’m the one that lacks patience and I have a very short fuse and there have been times when he’s shown up 3 sheets to the wind that I’ve went postal on him—learned eventually that it doesn’t do a bit of good) Back to him, he’s a great father and when he’s trying to kiss tail after one of his episodes you couldn’t ask for a better husband. But it passes, as it always does. It’s a cycle and my alcoholic is a binge drinker…he can only take it for so long before he will pick a fight with me or just take off and not come home, call, or anything for days at a time just drinking his little heart out. I used to feel sorry for him and wanted to help him and listened to all the sob stories and the suicide threats…I used to. Then it just hit me one day—it’s always the same old story, the same promises that will be broken, the same blame game, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about HIM. You can either choose to live walking on eggshells the rest of your life thinking if you had done this differently or that differently or maybe if you hadn’t said this or if you reached out a little more or held on a little tighter…that he would truly stick to his word this time. Ha! Don’t kid yourself because even though they blame everyone but themselves and they try to make you feel like you are the worst creature that God ever created because you are choosing to worry about “yourself” for a change—it’s not your fault. He used to make me feel so horrible saying things like “That’s about right, leave me in my time of need-some wife you are” or “If you love me you will help me get through this (for better or worse, remember?)” or “If I lose you, what do I have to live for? I’m sure going to drink then because my life will be pointless” And my heart would go out to him every single time because no matter what, I will always love him for the person I know he can be without the alcohol—love the man but hate the alcoholic. One minute he’s yelling at me telling me what a horrible person I am and the next he’s begging for my forgiveness and wants me to just give him another chance. He swears he’ll stay sober and he will for a couple of weeks, months, or until he just can’t fight the urge anymore. Then we start all over and when that person (Mr.Cocky) decides he wants to stick his two cents in it usually goes something like this “I’m a grown ass man and nobody is going to tell me what I can and can’t do” or “Why don’t you just let me drink on occasion whenever the stress builds up, we just take us a weekend and let it all go?” (Keep in mind, I’ve compromised with this man in every shape, form, or fashion you can possibly imagine and when nothing ever worked is when I realized that I was codependent), “You don’t trust me and you haven’t given a rats ass about me in years” He usually wants to “bargain” with me as usual but after so many lonely nights, broken promises, threats (on both ends), tears, heartache, anger, resentment, forgiveness, and the never-ending cycle of it all you start to realize that you aren’t achieving anything but keeping yourself trapped in the miserable dim lit world.
I finally had to decide to quit listening to him because I knew deep down that if I listened to his sob stories long enough, he would break me once again. So, I broke the communication. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but it gets easier every day and he has a line of communication to his son and that’s all I owe him. I know alcoholism is a disease and it is very rarely cured and I understand that I don’t understand how hard it is to remain sober but I also know that the way I have been living for so long is not actually LIVING and being on an emotional rollercoaster is not good for anyone—everyone has a breaking point. Probably the best thing that I will ever do for myself, my son, and him is to walk away. I’m not helping him get sober; I’m helping him drink more. It truly is a very sad situation and Lord knows I never planned it to end this way because I was raised to always keep your family together no matter what – I say it takes two and one person cannot keep it together no matter how hard they try.

booksanddolls

I completely know where you are coming from. This is my situation now. My AH and I have 3yo twin boys. I have stayed because of them but I don't want to stay any longer. He has been sober for 3 days and that's the longest he's gone for over a year. I know he will go back to the alcohol.

I admire your strength

mayalewiston

Wow, I don't even know what to say other than I can relate to so much of your post.

This specifically was my life for the past couple of years: "One minute he’s yelling at me telling me what a horrible person I am and the next he’s begging for my forgiveness and wants me to just give him another chance. He swears he’ll stay sober and he will for a couple of weeks, months, or until he just can’t fight the urge anymore. Then we start all over...."

I left my AH a little over two weeks ago, and while it was the hardest thing I ever did, it was the best thing as well. Keep reading all of the posts on here and you will see how common his manipulations and lies really are... that helped me so much.

Stay strong! You are not alone! xx

Diva76

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us...
I truly admire your strength...
I'm so proud of what you have accomplished, in spite of what you were living with...
I know when I was living with active alcoholism, I had a very hard time studying and keeping up with my school work...
This is the first semester I have had in a long time, that I'm actually more on top of things ever since I cut the chaos out of my life...
It must be so sad to be moving forward, but it is so necessary if you want to have a peaceful life...
I broke up with my boyfriend a little over 6 months ago..
We met when we were 13 and he looked me up 15 years after we graduated from highschool...
As unique and special I thought an opportunity like this is, alcoholism "sees" everything as an equal opportunity for distruction...
I too, miss the glimpses of the man he once was to me...
And like you, I did my share of drinking back in the day, but knew when it was time to grow up...
I just turned 36 and he just turned 35 back in October..
Anything's possible I suppose, but then again, if he hasn't "gotten it" by now, chances are he may never...
Stay strong! And thanks again for sharing...


Diva 76

EnglishGarden

What a wrenching, courageous post. Something everyone needs to read here.

God bless you. May you and your child have a peaceful, safe, secure home.

And your AH: well, AA is open 24 hours a day.

fourmaggie

very well put, I SAY!!

LoveAllGone

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement -- that is something I am going to continously need for awhile until I can pull myself out of the FOG for good. Many times the right thing to do is never an easy thing to do but it's not fair that my life should suffer because of someone else and their problems. (Especially when that have no remorse for the things they do to hurt me and refuse to get the help they need) Life goes on and when I can cross the hurdle of possibly trusting another man to enter my life, you can bet I will have both eyes open and if I catch a whiff that he could be trouble for me in any kind of way -- I will run like the wind!!! =)