So hurt, full of regret...day 5 of husband in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Bayonne
Posts: 7
So hurt, full of regret...day 5 of husband in rehab
I am so depressed right now. I have been dealing with my husband being an addict for a while. I didn't know it until recently unjust thought he was incredibly immature. We have been married a little over a year and it has been really rough. He was just about to lose his job and that is y he is in rehab now. It's been 5 days and I have barely had any contact. I talked to him for 5 min today and I just couldn't control my anger. I deserve an apology after all this. He left me alone with debt and worry it isn't fair that I have to deal with it!! Now I feel terrible bc I don't know when I will get a chance to talk to him and I can't stop crying. I really love him we grew up together. I care about him so much I don't mean to be angry but all of these lies and debt out of nowhere. I had ppl come to my house demanding money the day before he left! I know I'm rambling I just am feelin all these emotions and I'm soooo angry that me trying to help him is "enabling" him. No I'm not codependent I actually like to help ppl I like things done and done right that doesn't mean I should be labled with a problem. I didn't ask for this. Ughh I'm just so depressed and I don't want to get angry responses I just want someone to tell me what's right what's wrong why I'm feeling like this and how I can be happy again??? I don't know what to when I'm home I'm so used to pickin him up and checkin on him making sure he's ok. I can't sleep can't eat my stomach is in knots. I just want him back here I wish this never happened. Where do we go after this how do I talk to him how do I feel better??? 
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sorry that you are in pain, however, i cannot agree with you...you are indeed codependent. Please take some time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and, I would suggest that you start attending Naraon meetings, it will help you to understand addiction and codependency. Keep posting and reading others post, knowledge is power.
To be codependent is be skilled in the art of taking care of other people rather than yourself.
Am I Codependent?
Identifying Codependent Behavior:
•Do you feel responsible for other people's problems?
•Do you feel responsible to help people solve their problems?
•Do you feel guilt or anger when your help isn't effective?
•Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you mean "no," and doing things you really don't want to do?
•Do you try to please others instead of yourself?
•Do you feel bored or worthless when you don't have a crisis in your life, or a problem to solve, or someone to help?
These are only a few of the signs of codependency. One of the most important steps to feeling better is to take stock in the people you have surrounded yourself with. You may need to detach yourself from some of these people. Detachment has many rewards like serenity, a deep sense of peace, and the freedom to find solutions to your own problems. Then you need to learn to say no when you mean no. As a child one of the first words we learn is no, but as adults no becomes one of the hardest things to say. When you can learn to say no when you mean no, you will start to feel better. Practice saying no -- sometimes it is as easy as just not answering the phone.
Are you the person all of your friends go to with all of their problems, but when you have a problem you have nowhere or no one to turn to? If that is the case your friends may not really be your friends. In this case detachment may be the best solution, at least until you have taken time to start taking care of yourself. Start putting yourself first, and stop giving to people that don't give back. As soon as you can do this you will feel better.
Codependent Lifestyles
To be codependent is be skilled in the art of taking care of other people rather than yourself.
Am I Codependent?
Identifying Codependent Behavior:
•Do you feel responsible for other people's problems?
•Do you feel responsible to help people solve their problems?
•Do you feel guilt or anger when your help isn't effective?
•Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you mean "no," and doing things you really don't want to do?
•Do you try to please others instead of yourself?
•Do you feel bored or worthless when you don't have a crisis in your life, or a problem to solve, or someone to help?
These are only a few of the signs of codependency. One of the most important steps to feeling better is to take stock in the people you have surrounded yourself with. You may need to detach yourself from some of these people. Detachment has many rewards like serenity, a deep sense of peace, and the freedom to find solutions to your own problems. Then you need to learn to say no when you mean no. As a child one of the first words we learn is no, but as adults no becomes one of the hardest things to say. When you can learn to say no when you mean no, you will start to feel better. Practice saying no -- sometimes it is as easy as just not answering the phone.
Are you the person all of your friends go to with all of their problems, but when you have a problem you have nowhere or no one to turn to? If that is the case your friends may not really be your friends. In this case detachment may be the best solution, at least until you have taken time to start taking care of yourself. Start putting yourself first, and stop giving to people that don't give back. As soon as you can do this you will feel better.
Codependent Lifestyles
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 4
I understand what you are going through and how you are feeling; my husband is currently in rehab (day 20), and finding out about his addiction was a total surprise. He put us in an insurmountable amount of debt as well, and I am actually filing for bankruptcy. In terms of enabling/codependency, there's a lot to learn when dealing with people who struggle with addiction. I too, like to help people, always have. But when I really look at myself, I've ALWAYS had a codependent personality. My addict didn't cause it, it just exacerbated it. I would recommended looking for a NARANON meeting in your area. I just started attending and it has been a huge help and support. Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Bayonne
Posts: 7
Thank u both. I also was always codependent I guess I just never thought it was a bad thing- I just thought it was being a good person. I feel like if I give up I would be terrible person- what kind of person stops trying to help? I don't know how to change the way I think. I'm still crying. I may also be filing bankruptcy unfortunately. I had my life so put together and here it is falling apart. Hopefulwife do u plan on staying with ur husband when he returns? How do u talk to him at rehab- what do u talk about? I just don't want to fight the few minutes I have and I don't know what to say anymore.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Whether or not you "deserve" this or not is besides the point: you're personalizing it, and when you're dealing with addiction, you can't personalize it.
I get that you're angry, and it's perfectly understandable. But what you have to appreciate is your husband is a very sick man. Addiction is a dreadful, pernicious, evil disease.
So, the question that you have to ask yourself is this:
Do I want to be part of the problem, or be part of the solution?
Please read the sticky notes at the top of the home page, specifically "What Addicts Do". Because that will tell you in no uncertain terms what it is you're dealing with.
Please consider attending an Al Anon or Nar Anon local to your area. If you want to get through this, your focus needs to be on you and your recovery, not your husband. He's got to find his own path, and you can't influence that.
I will be thinking of you tonight and praying for both you and your husband. Be safe.
ZoSo
I get that you're angry, and it's perfectly understandable. But what you have to appreciate is your husband is a very sick man. Addiction is a dreadful, pernicious, evil disease.
So, the question that you have to ask yourself is this:
Do I want to be part of the problem, or be part of the solution?
Please read the sticky notes at the top of the home page, specifically "What Addicts Do". Because that will tell you in no uncertain terms what it is you're dealing with.
Please consider attending an Al Anon or Nar Anon local to your area. If you want to get through this, your focus needs to be on you and your recovery, not your husband. He's got to find his own path, and you can't influence that.
I will be thinking of you tonight and praying for both you and your husband. Be safe.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is nothing to say to him right now, in all honestly. He needs time to work on him…you need the same, desperately.
Leave him to be in rehab and use this time to start working on a recovery program of your own. That is most important right in the moment.
Why do you feel like a terrible person for not helping, there is no way to help him and there never was, all you can do is help yourself….ARE YOU WORTH YOUR TIME?
Any codependent type helping just keeps them chained to their addiction…as was said above you can be part of the problem or the solution, and that works in more than just one way. You will be part of your problem or your solution as well.
Changing the way you think takes work, start simple with putting you first in your mind. It should be a bit easier with him is a safe place…and then get some support and help for you. Read and read some more on codependency, enabling…Figure out why you are angry and who you are really angry at. Know without a doubt that we are only victims once, after that we are all in the game. So if your world is falling apart around you, then you need to look at how you were involved in that happening…he didn’t do this alone, you were there, you could have opted out at any time…everyone has that option, not many take it. I sure as hell know the ship here didn’t sink without my help trying to keep it afloat…
Leave him to be in rehab and use this time to start working on a recovery program of your own. That is most important right in the moment.
Why do you feel like a terrible person for not helping, there is no way to help him and there never was, all you can do is help yourself….ARE YOU WORTH YOUR TIME?
Any codependent type helping just keeps them chained to their addiction…as was said above you can be part of the problem or the solution, and that works in more than just one way. You will be part of your problem or your solution as well.
Changing the way you think takes work, start simple with putting you first in your mind. It should be a bit easier with him is a safe place…and then get some support and help for you. Read and read some more on codependency, enabling…Figure out why you are angry and who you are really angry at. Know without a doubt that we are only victims once, after that we are all in the game. So if your world is falling apart around you, then you need to look at how you were involved in that happening…he didn’t do this alone, you were there, you could have opted out at any time…everyone has that option, not many take it. I sure as hell know the ship here didn’t sink without my help trying to keep it afloat…
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I can relate. It was truly a shock for me to realize I had a problem. I considered my willingness to help others to be a virtue, not a sickness!! I think in general it is a good thing...as long as it's in BALANCE and as long as the help you're providing is actually helpful (and with addiction what we normally think of as helpful is actually hurting our loved ones). This is definitely not easy, and I am far from being "cured" but with the help of therapy, SR and f2f meetings I'm starting to get it-- and I feel so much healthier. I highly recommend you find a support group to attend. It's a bit scary at first but it's the best thing I've done for myself and really helps with learning how to deal with an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Bayonne
Posts: 7
Thank u all. I'm so glad I found this site. I'm slightly calmer now just trying to educate myself on every topic I can find. I don't feel so alone any more just hate that so many people have to go thru these feelings. There's that codependent lets save the world guilt... Goodnight all and thanks again I appreciate all ur stories and advice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1
also have a husband in recovery for the first time. DAY 6 for me. At first I was so stressed and thought rehab was the solution but trust me its not. I even pushed it. As the days pass and I gain clarity after more after 16 years of unintentionally enabling. Don't be so harsh about it though its a hard to swallow when you realize you were duped into somehow actually helping create the mess.
My kids and I have suffered greatly and been held back in life. He is angry, negative violent abusive and now that he's been away for 6 days I no longer feel sorry for him. I'm angry and full of resentment. All the nights sitting and waiting at home for him to just lie and climb into bed smelling disgusting at 1 2 3 in the am then wake up to a monster which I have educated myself enough to realize now was withdrawl. Nightmare
I waited and waited everytime believing in himthat he would show up and just be responsible and consistent that he would change for the kids especially.
He pulled the wool over my eyes very well. And the regret is gut wrenching. And I see the hope in my kids eyes that he'll change but I don't think he will. I'm tired of everything.
Maybe sometimes its to much maybe its better to let go and walk away.
A person can only take so much.
Oh yeah and the rehab place is a joke its not what they claimed. He's "bonding with 19 year old exaddicts" Nice fricking 1000.00 a day glorified vacation. They were supposed to support the kids and I with the rollercoaster of emotions and the wake of this disease but I feel worse about him and I than EVER We have finances and car payments and real life **** that needs to be handled. The people won't even let him use a phone or computer or let us see him. I have to stay at the gate when dropping stuff off.
And he had me thinking at one point it was all my fault. what the actual ****
To think of 6 days ago and my optimism and now this
I feel better i'm not alone though
My kids and I have suffered greatly and been held back in life. He is angry, negative violent abusive and now that he's been away for 6 days I no longer feel sorry for him. I'm angry and full of resentment. All the nights sitting and waiting at home for him to just lie and climb into bed smelling disgusting at 1 2 3 in the am then wake up to a monster which I have educated myself enough to realize now was withdrawl. Nightmare
I waited and waited everytime believing in himthat he would show up and just be responsible and consistent that he would change for the kids especially.
He pulled the wool over my eyes very well. And the regret is gut wrenching. And I see the hope in my kids eyes that he'll change but I don't think he will. I'm tired of everything.
Maybe sometimes its to much maybe its better to let go and walk away.
A person can only take so much.
Oh yeah and the rehab place is a joke its not what they claimed. He's "bonding with 19 year old exaddicts" Nice fricking 1000.00 a day glorified vacation. They were supposed to support the kids and I with the rollercoaster of emotions and the wake of this disease but I feel worse about him and I than EVER We have finances and car payments and real life **** that needs to be handled. The people won't even let him use a phone or computer or let us see him. I have to stay at the gate when dropping stuff off.
And he had me thinking at one point it was all my fault. what the actual ****
To think of 6 days ago and my optimism and now this
I feel better i'm not alone though
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