AskingForHelp

This is my first time ever reading these forums or posting to them but I don't know what to do. I'll try and sum it up:

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years this month. The first year we were in college together and the past two years we have been long distance (3 hours). We saw each other every 3-4 weeks and although it was hard we made it work. He would never drink when I was done there visiting. Last July he told me he's an alcoholic and severely depressed. He told me he has been drinking heavily for years (he's 26 now). I knew he drank alot but I didn't know this. He went to counseling a little but doesn't have health insurance and has no money. He went to AA meetings but stopped.

Long story short he has been drinking every single night for close to a month and this weekend while I was visiting he told me he cheated on me. I was completely heartbroken, vomitting, and screaming. He said he didn't think about me while he was doing it because he was so numb from the alcohol. He says it altered his thinking b/c it had gotten so severe. I planned on moving down there in May and he begged me to move down. He never promised me he would get help but this weekend he promised he would go to a program 3 nights a week. I want to believe him and think that things will get better, especially if I move down there but I don't know what to do b/c everyone I know tells me to run. I just feel like he would have never cheated on me if he wasn't drinking, so why not wait to see if he stops and maybe it'll work out? I just really don't know what to do b/c I want to work things out but everyone's telling me to leave.

Diva76

I know how hard matters of the heart can be...
But, here's the bottom line...
Regardless of whether you move closer to him
or not, which after what you shared, I would say not...
It is his responsibility to seek treatment for his alcohol problem.
Based on the little you shared, this guy has hidden an addiction problem from
you throughout your 3 year relationship and he's cheated on you...
For me, a healthy relationship is based on mutual trust and respect for one
another...
For the time being, I would let this guy go....
I know you care, and that's ok...
However, going to him (especially now)
will only excuse his inexcusable behavior...
Drunk or not, he needs to be held accountable for his actions....
Perhaps the distance you already have away from him
could be a blessing in disguise..
If nothing else, it can give you the space and time you need for yourself
to re-evaluate whether or not he is suitable for you...
Of course, if he's willing to seek help, that's wonderful!
But, in terms of a relationship with him, I would strongly suggest not even considering that option unless he's been sober for at least one year and is continuing with his program.
Recovery from addiction is a life long process, and it's up to him to make that commitment...
I wish you the very best...
Welcome to SR!
I'm glad you're here

Diva 76

littlemutt

Welcome, and big hugs to you - I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Know that you are in good company and we've all been exactly where you are - finding/figuring out about the drinking and trying to decide what to do next.

A few thoughts:

Regarding the "see what happens" - I used exactly those words in my first post here about my AXBF. And you know what happened? He would get sober for a few days here and there, but in general he continued to drink more and more, was an embarrassment in public, looked like an idiot (and me as well, as I was the fool taking care of him), and treated me terribly. After a while I caught on and stopped waiting to see.

No matter what, be good to yourself. Draw boundaries and enforce them. His drinking is NOT an excuse - he is an adult, and what he does, drunk or not, is his responsibility. Even if he does things only while drunk, well, he's the one that chose to get drunk, knowing full well he might lose control of himself. I know I've surely gotten in trouble for things I did while drunk, and rightly so. I've never found a free pass in a bottle, but alcoholics seem to convince others they've got one in every drink.

LifeRecovery

I finally faced up to my loved ones addiction when an affair happened.

Al-anon for me was a big help (though the focus is on a loved one with an alcohol problem) it has helped me with all relationships in my life.

I did a lot of reading about addiction, affairs etc.

My question for you is this. Do you have to make any decisions in the next five minutes about this relationship? When I realized I did not have to "fix" everything right away and/or decide how I felt right away it was a huge relief....from my loved one, from the naysayers etc.

Brae

Thanks for being so honest and open in your post.

Now is probably a good time to focus on you.
What do you need in a relationship?
Are your needs being met?
What is best for you?

Blessings

Seren

Good morning, Askingforhelp, Welcome to SR!!

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. My ex-husband cheated on me....I know that nauseous feeling all too well.

One thing I have learned over the years by reading these threads: cheating is not really excused by drinking. There are many, many, many alcoholics who never cheat, sober or drunk.

As others have already stated, the sad truth is that even if you move to his town, he will still be able to drink. The only person who can stop his drinking is him. He has to want this more than anything else and do the work for himself.

This link takes you to a very powerful post filled with practical ideas.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'm so very sorry you are hurting right now. Please take good care of yourself.

HG

FedUpWith2Brats

You have dedicated 3 years of your life to this man. For 3 years you trusted him. For 3 years he has pulled the wool over your eyes, doing what he wanted then lying to you to cover it up, knowing that if he could just live this pretend life you would stay with him. That is called MANIPULATION. Now, add manipulation into the above sentences:
You have dedicated 3 years of your life to this man while being MANIPULATED.

FedUpWith2Brats

You have dedicated 3 years of your life to this man. For 3 years you trusted him. For 3 years he has pulled the wool over your eyes, doing what he wanted then lying to you to cover it up, knowing that if he could just live this pretend life you would stay with him. That is called MANIPULATION. Now, add manipulation into the above sentences:
You have dedicated 3 years of your life to this man while being MANIPULATED.For 3 years you trusted him while he MANIPULATED you. For 3 years he has been able to pull the wool over your eyes because he MANIPULATED you. He knows full well that he can MANIPULATE you into loving him no matter what because it has worked for him your entire relationship. In fact, your entire relationship has been based on lies from him, truth from you.

Now, read this post as if you were reading it about someone else. What would you tell them to do? Makes it appear a little differently, doesn't it?
I know you are in a lot of pain, but is it pain caused by his deceit, or fear of what the future holds? If he could find it so easy to lie to you and cheat on you then what does that say about his character? His morals, his values?
Only you can decide what is more important to you-your own mental health and happiness or a life spent always wondering what bar or what women is he with now. You are young and vibrant, are you ready to spend the rest of your life carrying his luggage? He already has too much baggage in this relationship. Think of yourself as his own personal valet-getting him dressed, preparing him for the day, attending to all his needs while neglecting your own. The difference between a valet and YOU is a paycheck. The valet gets paid, you don't.
This is a wonderful place to come to vent your fears, thoughts, anger, issues, etc. We have all been where you are at in one way or another. We share your pain, and if you asked us would you do it all over again, I feel confident most would say "Heck No"! Just remember, the choice you make will affect you, and him, for the rest of your lives. Take your time, make your decision, and remember, at the end of the day you still only have one life to live, only now it has one day less in it. How did YOU spend your day today? Hope this helps give you some different insight. Good luck.

Marytherboo

The worst thing for me about life with an active A was the lies. Sounds like you're already there and I'm very sorry for your pain. I know it well.

If you think through your situation, you can probably see the dilemma, and I bet you know what is right for you already.

Be gentle with yourself, and try letting go for a few minutes of your dream of happiness with this man and seeing if there are any other dreams of happiness that might serve you better. You might be surprised...

Hugs.

LifeRecovery

I misstated this and want to clarify. The focus of Al-anon is me as a loved one of someone with an alcohol problem.

That feels like a big difference then what I originally wrote.

posiesperson

Hi, Asking! Welcome to SR.

I hope you'll keep coming back here, and I'd strongly suggest going to Alanon. I'd been in a similar relationship in the past, and I know it hurts like hell.

As a grateful member of Alanon for the past 2+ years I want to say that the good news is that it can get a whole lot better for you no matter what happens with your boyfriend. I also echo what has been said about not having to make up your mind right now. You can take your time, there is no rush as you really consider all of the pieces of this painful puzzle.

Wishing you much peace and healing, and I'm glad you've joined us here--we get it.

Hugs,
posie

Hopeworks

Warning: if you join yourself to an alcoholic who already has all of the classic signs of selfishness, denial and dishonesty don't fool yourself it is highly unlikely that it will get better and alcoholism is deadly... it is progressive and except in the rarest cases gets much, much worse over time.

I have been there! I spent 4 years of my life loving a man who I was crazy about when he was sober... I met him while he was in recovery but he relapsed... and got sober and relapsed... over and over again like a broken record. He was two seperate persons... sweet and loving and some alien when he was drinking and I went to battle against the demon of alcohol.

It "looked" like my decision to stay had been the right one... he was doing well in business, rebuilt his relationships with his family but then began neglecting his program and was obviously building up to use and I told him I had alcohol free bounaries and no more relapses left in me... just could not live on the roller coaster anymore or as I like to think of it the "crazy train" of alcoholism.

Well he lost his mind... alcohol and then got a prescription for xanax from our doctor and lied to me about it and the cocktail of both abused sent him over the edge. He has been in Las Vegas drunk for 6 weeks once I put him out of the house and went no contact.

I can't get my 4 years back... I can't erase the scars and the hurt of becoming a very sick co-dependant, I can't undo the pain of knowing the relationships I built with his children are simply over forever and there are some financial issues that I will end up having to resolve as he is now completely irresponsible and cannot be depended upon to do anything he should.

But... I can share my experience, strenghth and hope with women and men contemplating entering into a marriage with someone who is not in a DEDICATED, strong program of ACTION of recovery... this is not meeting attendance! That is just geography!

Alanon and 30 minutes a day on this messageboard in addition to counseling has made me well... I am so much wiser and balanced in my approach to my own life and choices and I am HAPPY! Despite the fact that my ex A is fighting for his life in Las Vegas... blowing up my phone with crazy messages... I am detached and praying for him and trusting God instead of me to help him find lifelong recovery.

Be very, very careful... life is nothing but a series of choices and I have yet to meet a woman who didn't regret knowingly choosing a life with an alcoholic! If one of you are out there please post!

FedUpWith2Brats

Yep Hope, know exactly what you are saying. When I married my husband (now ex) in 2002, I knew he drank too much. He had gotten a DUI 6 mos prior to our marriage, and had suffered serious injuries from falling from a ladder two stories up while attempting to change an outside light, all while drunk! We had already had some major fights from his time spent at the bar and coming home drunk then drinking some more at home. He told me he drank too much because he was "lonely" after his wife died, but once we were married he wouldn't need to drink.
What a fool I was! Lonely changed to unwinding to needing to sleep to pain reliever to ... (fill in the blank). I would never have gotten married if I could do it all over. I got absolutely nothing out of our 7 yr marriage except heartache, abuse, financial problems and funny looks from people wondering how on earth someone like me could be with someone like him. You can't be loved by someone who loves the bottle more than anything else on the face of this earth.
Now I am forced to live with my Alcoholic Daughter, but this time around I am prepared. I suffered her abuse for two years, but after the other night when she made my 82 yr old dad cry I realized I needed to go to battle with HER bottle. This site has been a source of inspiration, hope and information for me. Bless all of us fighting the demons who live in a bottle and who live with us.

AskingForHelp

Thank you for all the responses....maybe I am just exteremly naive but I keep convincing myself if I move there things will get better, we will build trust and he will stop drinking. As I am supposed to look for jobs very soon, I need to decide if this is what I want. Do I move there and take the risk? What if things don't work out--everyone else will say I told you so. But what if they do? Do I stay here? Then I will go crazy not having him around Although I am exteremly hurt and angry right now, and for reasons I can't explain, all I want to do is call him and pretend like nothing happened. It's weird. I know I should wait for him to show me he's making the changes himself but all I want to do is call him every night like we used to He says he's going to a program 3 nights a week--does everyone think this is a good idea? Does anyone have an experience where the drinking has stopped? I want so badly to believe that this will end when I get there--this could not have been my last trip there

itsmylifenow

Asking for help - so glad you are taking the steps to think this through. Trust your instincts here - you realize this is not healthy and are questioning it. That's what brought you here to this forum.

Having others share their experiences sometimes isn't enough. We have a tendency to believe our situation is different. It will work for us, we love each other more, I'm sure it's manageable if I'm there...we tell ourselves all kinds of excuses and reasons why it won't happen to us.

People who are addicted to drugs or alcohol are chemically dependent and imbalanced. That's a fact that doesn't matter what your situation is. And, the chemicals they are putting in their body is changing everything about them. How many stories have you heard where they say they are in love with the person who is sober, but it's that other personality they can't deal or live with? My hand is raised high on that one.

To get into a relationship where you have no knowledge of this is one thing. To purposely go forward into it, full-well knowing this exists, is an experience no one here wants to see you have. Because we've all been there.

He needs to do this on his own. He needs to want to be sober, has to want to change his life and has to do it for HIM. If you truly love him, you will realize you are not the answer to his problem right now. It's easy to want to profess your undying love and say you are in this together and you need to support him. And, believe me he will use that against you if you don't move there with him to help him. But, this is really HIS war to fight.

Let him prove to you first that he's willing to make the commitment before you make one. Let him go to his meetings 3 times a week, get his life together and work on his issues. Give him time to do this on his own.

m1k3

A couple of things I learned here.

First was about someone else's drinking.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I have no control over someone else's drinking, none. They will stop when they are ready and not one second sooner. Nothing I say or don't say, nothing I do or don't do will change that.

Second, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless he is willing to commit to not drinking forever it is going to get worse. I saw this happen with my alcoholic wife (AW). I am finally separated from her and have started divorce proceedings but the things I have seen and been through. She has been in detox and rehab and the ER multiple times. I have found her passed out in almost every room of the house. I have seen her with big cuts, scrapes and bruises from being drunk and falling into furniture. I have had to clean up her messes because she was too drunk to make it to the bathroom. And I have seen worse.

Unless this is the life you were planning for yourself you may want to reconsider moving anywhere near him.

Your friend,

Alanonic

I want to believe him and think that things will get better, especially if I move down there but I don't know what to do b/c everyone I know tells me to run. I just feel like he would have never cheated on me if he wasn't drinking, so why not wait to see if he stops and maybe it'll work out? I just really don't know what to do b/c I want to work things out but everyone's telling me to leave. =
Okay, Ive learned in all the years that an alocohlic is alcoholic. If a liar becomes sober, they can still be a liar. If a cheat becomes sober, they can still be a cheat and etc....Its called excuses. Why dont we all just drink and do things that are wrong...then we can blame it on the alcohol.. See that was easy.

I wouldnt go by if he wasnt drinking he wouldnt have cheated or if I was there he wouldnt have cheated. People do what they want to do.

Everyone=I'm assuming are friends and family and they are seeing this from the outside. You have been hurt and things are dissorted for you.
You dont have to make any desicions right now. I met my AH when I was 15 now I'm in my 40's and to be honest I would run like everyone is telling you.

ODAT63

I was hopeful (Believed he will change and life will get better)
I was Romantic (Believed he will change in the name of love.. our love)
I was a caretaker (If I take care of him, he will see what a great woman I am)
I was naive (I kept believing his lies even though the truth hit me in the face all the time)
I fantasized (I was always thinking how our relationship should be)
I was a pretender (I was always pretending "that did not happen = denial)
And that is how alcoholism changed me, I totally lost my self in the illusion of how wonderful life "could be" if only.
Reality is sooooo different now that I am in recovery, I stop being addicted to hope, I am gaining control of my life again.
I am learning to use my five senses, I am controlling my mind, I am living reality and it is less painful and I am actually happier.
I still love my XAH in a special way, but I am so grateful he is not in my life anymore.
So read SR and count how many people are actually happy 100% without having to work extremely hard while living with an alcoholic or an addict.
The choice is yours and no one else, good luck in this hard decission. My prayers are with you.

marie1960

Just sharing my experience of being involved with an active alkie.........

I would not take the risk and move anywhere with the hope that he will get better. This is his addiction, nothing you can do or say will fix this.

I took a crash course in alcoholism. Only after educating myself, did I begin to understand what I was up against. I had to realize that this was not the kind of life I envisioned. It hurt like hell to have to acknowledge this, and let go, to save myself.

All the pain and hurt you are feeling now, is just the tip of the iceberg. He is showing you who he really is, believe him. To blame his cheating on the "drinking" is just another lame brained excuse.

I would seek employment on the other side of the country, get as far away from him as possible. Allow him the dignity to address his issues by himself.

if you choose to allow his addiction to consume you, I can assure you that it will.

It sounds to me like your gut instinct is awake and talking. Listen to it. I could have saved myself alot of pain had I listened to mine sooner.

You are not alone. Take care of you .
Peace.

stairs

My heart goes out to you. He will quit when he is ready because of something that happens to him, whether physical, spiritual, whatever, but it is his timetable. Quitting for others does not work. If I were you, and I'm not, but if I were I would take a big step back and stay right where you are, try to detach from him emotionally and maintain some boundaries, and just wait and see.
Best to you.