AbEsco

Hey guys, I'm a 23 year old habitual drinker who has decided to nip my habit in the bud before it becomes a major problem. I haven't drank or smoked since last Thursday and I'm not really having any cravings, the only thing I'm having trouble with is what people do when they don't drink? I had two-three nights assigned a week that I would get absolutely smashed (alone might I add) and those were literally the only things that I felt held me together sometimes. I looked forward to those nights, to drinking alone, away from the world and sinking into nothingness. The best part about drinking for me was not feeling anything, when I'm not drinking I'm irratable, angry, depressed, and sometimes feel like a general failure. I still live with my parents and I haven't graduated college yet, I had left to go to school but had to come back shortly after a DUI related accident.

I learned to drink in a social way while I was at school, it was just a fun way to loosen up on the weekends. But now I drink to get away from everyone and to not hate myself and others so much. I had convinced myself that if I didn't set aside these times to get wasted, then I would become a ticking timebomb and I might attack someone. I felt/feel the alcohol sedates me enough to tolerate all of my shortcomings and my annoyance of people and the world. Listen, I'm ranting because I've never told anyone this. Drinking till drunk alone 2-3 times a week probably isn't a big deal to people here but I'm seriously inquisitive about what there is to look forward to? I don't have a girl, I live with my folks, I don't have a job and what I'm studying in school honestly does not spark my interest even though I'll have my degree this summer.

What do you do? Most people I talk to irritate me so badly that I can't take it after a while, all the friends I've made since I've been back home have all been rooted in drinking. I don't even know how to socialize without it. I'm the happiest and calmest when I'm drunk. I get wasted right under my parents roof and they never notice, they see evidence from time to time but I don't stomp around and act crazy or punch holes in walls. I giggle at adult swim and play video games and send weird/inappropriate messages and texts to people on facebook. It's all pretty harmless, but I feel it might get worse and sometimes I drive drunk to get more alcohol. I'm very careful when doing this, I don't speed and I'm constantly checking my surroundings but I still feel like an ******* when I realize I did that the next day.

So what is there other than drinking from time to time? What is there to do? I want to focus more on school now that I'm sober, which will probably land me a job that I will tolerate to survive on my own. It all seems so bleak and pointless. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I'm not sure of even what I wrote here but I'm glad I did because I don't tell these things to anyone. Sorry if I broke any rules with this, I didn't thoroughly read them. Also, I searched this thread beforehand on things to do when sober instead of drinking and they all genuinely sounded terrible, maybe that's just me being irritated, I don't know.

AbEsco

Also, how do you turn your brain off to go to sleep without alcohol? My system before was, I would drink one night until the alcohol subdued me and eventually I would enter a drunken slumber, then the next day I would battle my hangover and by the end of the day I was exhausted just from propping myself up while in that condition. Now I can't shut my brain off when I try to sleep and I find myself thinking about things I really don't want to think about, uncomfortable memories and "coulda, shoulda, woulda" type stuff. Is that a normal thing for a recovering alcoholic to go through?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Good for you for stopping drinking!

It could be that you're depressed and that may clear up as your recovery continues. If you were depressed before you started drinking (as I was) you might need to talk to your dr and consider treatment for your depression.

I think what you're finding is that life needs a lot of changes in order for you to stay sober. That's what most of us find. It's not easy, but you can get through it. The anger you're feeling right now is also pretty normal, but you can work through it and learn healthy ways to deal with it.

There are so many things to do. Focusing on school is a good idea, but I hope that you will find a job that you love, not just tolerate. I found volunteer work helped me enormously by getting me outside of myself and giving back. It was so beneficial to me. Do you like sports, music, art? Why not try to find something in your community that you can get involved in.

AbEsco

Thanks for the welcome, I'm not sure if I can afford therapy at this point in time but I'll have to look into it. I was treated when I was a teen when I had a really bad experience with laced marijuana and had what best would be described as a nervous breakdown but I haven't seen a therapist since. I do enjoy music and art, as well as movies and sometimes politics but all these things are accentuated for me with alcohol. I would like to get involved with a political or art related cause around my town but I fear that I won't be able to relate to others unless we're drunk or going to get drunk together later.

I seriously have trouble tolerating people, I'm not sure when I became this way. I've worked a number of different positions in the service industry and I think it's left me with a bitter taste in my mouth regarding humanity. I will try to go through with this though, the alcohol is doing things to me I don't like. It's making me destroy what little of a social life I have left, plus it's bloating me up I think. I have alcoholic uncles in my family (functional they have wives, kids, jobs, houses) but I don't want to end up like them. Albeit, one of them is actually a pretty fun guy to be around, but sober he's the complete opposite, very quiet.

2granddaughters

AbEsco, welcome:
Take some time and read some of the threads here, see if you identify (not compare) with what's being discussed. I think you will.
My sobriety and recovery came through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I wish you the best in your recovery.

Bob R

InsertNameHere

Hey glad to hear you are starting to "nip this in the bud" now. I am 29 and wish that I had realized what a problem I already had at 25. I drank for some of the same reasons and some others, but either way in the long run it caught up to me. It's alwayse good to see someone younger than me getting a head start trust me you don't want to get where I was and I don't want to get where I would be in 5-10 years if I kept at it. Read some of the posts here and they will help you a lot I know they did me. Hopefully it will help you see that life is better without alcohol.

sugarbear1

I go to AA meetings and have made sober friends there. Read the Alcoholics Anonymous book and see if you identify, especially with feeling "irritable, restless, and discontent" when not drinking. I listen to speaker tapes on my mp3 (phone) to fall asleep by.

Glad you are here!

eJoshua

What did you do before you started drinking?

I had to find something more fulfilling than sitting on the couch watching TV in my free time, so I went back to writing and recording music.

AbEsco

Oh man, I used to hit the gym up, go out to eat with friends, have philosophical or political conversations with friends, I dabbled in music. This is going to sound weird and emo, actually it's depressing to type but the only thing that seems to "do it" for me anymore is alcohol. It's the one thing I'm constantly looking forward to and the one thing that doesn't let me down or annoy me. Now that I'm looking at getting sober I'm really anxious about what I will put in its place. Yesterday would normally be one of my drinking days but I didn't drink, I thought about going to the liquor store but stopped myself from going. I didn't do anything spectacular in place of drinking though, I just watched a bunch of tv shows online. Today I went to run some errands and felt really irritated, I bought some wine for my dad and some potatoes. I had no desire to drink the wine but as I was shopping I started thinking about a life without the sanctuary of getting wasted and it really, really pissed me off.

eJoshua

It takes some time to relearn how to have fun without alcohol, but once you do it's worth the effort. I look back at my life when I was drinking and shudder, because I was living in a self imposed stasis, doing absolutely nothing except drink.

I got to the point where alcohol wasn't necessarily any fun any more, but necessary in order to function. If I were you I'd definitely get out now before you end up wasting your life. Having your life ruled by a chemical is no fun way to live.

sugarbear1

It takes time, but you can turn this around from alcohol being the only thing that can do it to those other things you enjoyed. I'm doing this now! In fact, it's been happening, once I let people know, then I started little by little to get those activities back! I'm 50, if I can do it, then I know a 23 year old can, too! Remember, we changed some of our brain chemistry, so it will take a little time to retrain our brains. Sobriety is about Action!

AbEsco

What you're saying is true, looking to alcohol as a savior is ridiculous and unhealthy but it's something I've come to embrace. Im not sure how long I will stay on the straight and narrow as I have a real problem majorly committing to pretty much anything. I know that it is in my best interest to stop drinking but something dark and very bitter in me doesn't care and isn't interested in whatever "sober fun" there is to be had. I also fear that a sober me is one that can't cope and will eventually snap and get in trouble. I have to find another way to deal with everything like a normal human being instead of running to the bottle. It's all really frustrating though and I don't see how else I can do it but alone for right now. I've been to AA meetings but they were court appointed for a DUI and really weren't my style at all, I went for 4 months twice a week and all I told myself was that I wasn't like these people and hadn't bottomed out yet. It was like I knew I was going to bottom out one day but I hadn't yet, thus I had no place in AA. That was two years ago though and I haven't been since, all the people were much older and I had a really hard time relating with them since their battles with alcohol were so much heavier than mine

sugarbear1

If you need for information about AA or meetings in the Area call the AA Central Office at 256-885-0323 website: Home | AA Area 1 - District 20

Ask them aboutYoung People In AA. They have a "Youngtimers Group" and ask if this is for beginners or for young people. You may find that the population has changed in 2 years.

Now that it's your choice and not court ordered (I've yet to have an infraction with the law, including DUI and I'm more than twice your age--there's a sign) you may see things differently.

If anything, go back and see if you can identify IN and relate to what they are saying. Your perspective may have changed. I say this because I used to relate out, I hadn't been "that bad" but, guess what? That all changed with me in several more years. It can't hurt to try, at least you might have someone to drink coffee with or go out for some tea or ice cream.

Something's gotta change here. Alcoholics try to treat loneliness with isolation....

AbEsco

Thanks for that info, would you recommend jumping right into the group or waiting a while? I kind of want to prove to myself I can go a week without self imploding on my own before I get involved with a group. I'm also not very religious and I noticed that a lot of aspects of AA seem to rely heavily on Christianity, is that really the case or was I over analyzing?

sugarbear1

I grew up NOT a Christian by any means. It's a program of spirituality and many Atheists and Agnostics are in the program. We only need to believe in a power greater than us, and that worked for me. Once I worked through the steps, my eyes were open, in fact each time I work through the steps I have a new awakening of sorts. I get to know me. It's something I now firmly believe in. Keep an open mind, relate in. At least go to make some sober friends!

Zencat

Hi AbEsco

If you don't think AA is for you, that not going to be a problem. There are other ways to quit drinking and from what you write, ways to help you manage your emotions. Below are some useful links to programs that are secular in as a viable alternative to AA.
AA is not a religion in the traditional sense, although there are religious practices like faith and prayer in AA. The atheist and agnostics that I know in AA use the Agnostic AA 12 Steps to recover from alcoholism. So you see, there is more that one way to treat alcoholism.

After some sober time has passed, you might find many of your current concerns about living sober will lessen. After all alcohol is a toxin, so periodically toxifying the brain may cause a toxic perception and bad reaction to life.

GrowingDaily

abEsco,

Your story sounds just like mine. Exactly. Only I'm over 40 now, with a damaged liver and a failed business to show for my years. Instead of dreaming of the future I had at your age, my daily thoughts revolve around whether or not I'm going to live long enough to secure enough money to at least help my wife a bit when I pass. If I had been able to foresee my future back then I would have changed things in an instant. But there's absolutely no way I could have predicted this. I used to cram for tests with a case of beer & still pull down A's. I used to take my tests high & drunk & still score in the top 5%. I thought I could have all the success and joy in life I dreamed of, with a cool buzz in the background. I see now how absolutely, positively clueless I was. I was in the middle of a downhill free-fall while I thought I was climbing mountains.

I guess that's the really long way of saying I'm glad you're here.

If I could go back in my past & give myself some good advice, it would have been to find another group of active friends who managed to have fun without booze. In college it seems like EVERYONE is drinking. But that's not really true. It's just everyone you know.

artsoul

It doesn't sound weird at all - it sounds like you're just like the rest of us. I lost interest in so many things (unless I could drink while doing it). Alcohol was pretty much the only thing I looked forward to in my day - I didn't even care about being around people that much. If you add in the depression and anxiety after a night of drinking, life can get pretty empty......

The good news is that once you have some time away from the drink, you'll start to feel positive about everything again. So give it some time - it does get better!

eJoshua

There are a lot of recovery options available, so don't think you have to do it alone just because you don't feel AA is right for you.

I will say that I know what you mean about the AA crowd, but I will also tell you that there are a whole host of meetings out there. Each AA meeting is about as different as any group of people. I'm 26, so I don't feel entirely comfortable in meetings where the average age is 60 (not that there's anything wrong with that). You have to really hunt for meetings and try different ones out, but there are meetings out there that are much younger and not as heavy. It's great to learn from the experience of those who have been in recovery a long time, but I also need to be around people I can relate to in how I used. I didn't drink for 30 years before quitting, so although I love the old timers I really need kids around that are closer to my own age.

If you want to "make peace" with the fact you are an alcoholic and think that you can just abandon all hope and fully embrace a lifestyle of active addiction I can guarantee you that you won't find peace. You will eventually find yourself feeling the same way you do now except probably even more extreme and the stakes will be bigger.

I only say so because I did essentially the same thing. When I couldn't deal with quitting and just said "F it, I'll just drink myself to death," I just went down the same desperate road hoping I would be at peace with being a drunk, but it didn't happen. I stayed just as miserable until I was brought to a point of desperation, where I knew I had to get clean or I would end up killing myself. Listen, it's really easy to say that you want to die but when you're faced with the grim reality of death it becomes a whole other matter.

I know I might be preaching to the choir here, but a lot of what you're saying sounds terribly familiar. I hope you are able to find the answers you are looking for.

Amy2011

Recovery is not a magic cure for life. Most of us had to find a program of recovery that works for us, commit to it, and follow through. I needed the structure and stability that AA offerred in early recovery. I had to relearn how to live a sober life. It was a slow process. I decided I would rather be home sober then out drunk. As the days and months passed I found new hobbies, but it took awhile. In the beginning it sucked, but I listened to others who had been where I was who said it would get better and drinking wouldn't help. They were right. I took up couponing, reading, hanging out with my kids, trolling SR, AA meetings, and went back to school. Enjoying a sober life will come with time as you learn how to live a sober life. Good luck.