supersoap

Ok so, I posted awhile back about my abf chuggin a bottle of cough syrup and getting kicked outta the halfway house after he finished rehab. They have since placed a monitoring device on him and he goes in for weekly tests.

Since then all we have done is argue, and I don't mean nicely. He gets nasty mad, and shouts at me and drips every pointed word with disgust that I don't support him.

He picks fights over everything, about how he is going to push the boundary and see how far he can go b4 someone gets mad enough to punish him. I am flabbergasted and don't get why you would go outta your way to **** off the cops when your next offense (aka probation violation) will land you 10 years in the pen.

I understand the alcoholic in him wants the booze, and he is furious he cant have it, but he is going so far as to break the driving rules, and such. He cant afford the ticket, the possible jail time, or the insurance hike, yet he thinks this is perfectly justifiable because you gotta do what you gotta do, and if the bus isnt there right the very minute you want it to be, or if i say no i cant take you, then so be it.

He cut his eye on his contact so bad that he had to spend the weekend in the hospital and guess what, we had zero arguments. It was harmonious, and then once he got home, with a healing eye, he now was in worse pain, with many many arguments. Yeah I guess so, now that they took away his codeine. So he goes back and begs the doc to give him some, and the doctor does, only for him to take 4 at once, because he was too impatient to wait for the regular dosage to kick in. I stupidly pointed out that was wrong, which caused another argument, oh yeah dont let me forget the tattoo he got during that day as well that caused an argument. I asked him to get his eye rx from the doc so I could order his glasses so he could see in order to start his new job the following week. He decided a tattoo was more important since it was free. I told him I was wrong for feeling upset about his choices, my codie was taking over, and that when he wanted to see he would handle his business. I then was accused of being mean and trying to one-up him because I had a bad day due to yet another job interview that I was shot down for since I was previously fired.

So I thought couples counceling would be a good idea, because she could help us communicate better. He agreed happily thinking this would solve our problems. During the session, she would ask about the struggles we had that week and I would tell her what frustrated me. I am guilty of having emotion show when I did this, angering him. He was furious that I was upset about something we agreed was done and dropped. I told him I was sorry, but I still felt a wee bit frustrated and thats what counceling was for. He interrupted everything I said and our councelor repeatedly tried to intervene so i could complete my thoughts. he wasn't listening, so she asked him to write down the things that hurt his feelings, and submit them to me and I to do the same, then take 30 minutes to separate and regain peace b4 we discussed them. He agreed, and then ignored me all the way home.

I decided I needed some more fun in my life so I started belly dancing several days a week rather than being home bored while he was off at his meetings. The next day after the session he was still ignoring me, and I told him i was going to be out of pocket that night fishing with friends and wouldn't be available till Saturday if he wanted to talk then. Boy that blew up in my face. He was so angry i didn't invite him.

I didnt invite him because he had to work and then attend AA,secondly I would have had to buy his rod, reel, license, and bait as well ( I don't have any money i am unemployed and living on my retirement and just shelled out $400 for his eye), and lastly he ignored me for two full days, wtf, i am supposed to invite you along when you have been a complete jerk to me.

When I got home and tried to talk to him, his anger was so intense, it scared me, and he had no problem unleashing in front of his family, in fact he looked like he enjoyed publicly scorning me. Then he told me, I don't support him, that when he wants something (not need) I should stop what I am doing and provide it to him, because that's what you do when you love someone. Also that I need to make peace that he is and always will be an *******, he is the "joker" baby and likes to be the villain (his words). That I am preventing him from being him with my distaste with his choices. He's right I do not want him to act like that, I have no desire to be the butt of his jokes when they are demeaning and humiliating, and I don't want to be with someone who constantly gets in trouble. He promised me all year long when he got out he was changed, and would walk the straight and narrow, do the right thing, and be responsible. He spouted how much he loved me and wanted me to be there in his life. I love him so much, but I don't like who he is right now. His actions and his words have not been the same.

I told him I needed him to be stable for us to be able to grow as a couple because in order to be a family, he needs to be there and not sitting in jail. I grew so close to his family, that they were there for me all year long while he was locked up. I know this is wrong of me, I should never have had an expectation that he was going to be able to change into a completely different person over the year.

When I told him I did not agree with this logic, or the bending rules to suit his control, he told me that if I chose at that moment to walk across the street and shoot someone in the face, he would support my decision, because thats what you do when you love someone. You support their decisions fully, and you cater to their every whim. When I stood up during his scream fest, I popped my very tense knuckles and he then asked me if I was going to hit him. Ouch!

I am so twisted and torn on the inside, that not only did he verbally abuse me in front of his family, he then accused of wanting to abuse him. Omg im so messed up about this.

The more I put down on paper, the dumber I feel for still being in love with him. How the fudge could I love anybody that would act that way towards me, and be completely sober in the process. We are 30 y.o's and yet its like he's 13. Anyway after the family witnessed argument I havent heard from him beyond him dumping me on Facebook.

4 days later he sends me a text stating that was enough time to think, that I need to make a decision and that we needed to talk. I sent him an email, because I knew my talking to him was futile, he'd never hear my side, he'd never apologize for his cruelty, and he'd never care about my feelings. I told him he needed help, his anger was scary, and his belief systems did not agree with mine. I told him I was not strong enough to be there for him during his sobriety, if he continued to fight me about it.

He told me I threatened his sobriety during the last argument, that all the pain I caused him by telling him no, by telling him I didnt like to be told he loved me every hour, that I didnt like him carrying 6 photos of me in his wallet and staring at them in my presence, and wanting more, that he wanted to numb himself from it. I made him feel like scum because i didn't like who he was. I guess I dont understand, I like a lot of things about him, but some stuff really freaks me out.

After a week, he hadnt said anything online and I got scared that he relapsed and was sent back to jail, so I called, to make sure he was ok. Why oh why do I do this to myself. That was the coldest conversation ever ending with him hanging up on me.

Now he is on facebook everyday, and wont quit sending me stupid apps, one being zoosk the dating site. Did I just start a war, is he trying to hurt me, do I need to enlist the no contact and delete him off too, or will this eventually stop and we can be friends?

I am truly confused about him. I am angry at him, and I am also angry that we didn't work out. I lost a whole family, not just him, and that hurts so bad.

Jane86

Wow, what a messy situation. I don't think I'm in any position to give advice but I just wanted to say hang in there. I empathize with you and my thoughts are with you. Stay strong, you will get through this.

EnglishGarden

This is a terrible war you are in. Attacks, assaults, woundings, emotional bombs exploding everywhere.

Have you received any individual counseling? Did you go to Al-Anon yet? We are always in need of help, when we are in relationship with an addict.

Stepping off this merry-go-round with him and getting some serious help for yourself seems the healthiest way to go.

There is no shame in losing oneself in a destructive relationship.

But we always have to take responsibility for getting ourselves well. Eventually we have to stop blaming the addict for hurting us time and time again, since we show up for the hurt time and time again.

I hope you know you are worth a better life, and you can build one when you are healthy.

I would cut the cord and concentrate on that.

twolivestouched

I wish that I had some sort of power that would straighten this all out, but if i did I would use it on my own mess first (sorry but i would). I can only give you my hand in freindship and encourage you to talk throught the things that are going on as often as you need to. You deserve a life worth living.

theuncertainty

Hugs, Supersoap. First, please don't beat yourself up over still being in love with him. We can't just turn feelings off, even if we know some one is no good for us. It takes time and work on our part to heal and get over the relationship.

Him pressing you for an answer after only 4 days was unjustified, IMO. Some one who truly cared for you would not press you so aggressively to make up your mind NOW.

My XAH was - is - verbally abusive, manipulative, sexually abusive. Some of the things he did, he'd say 'sorry' for, but it was always in a manner that implied that I did something to cause it - or that he was entitled to behave that way. "I would never hit a lady. But you made me so mad, so I had to leave so I wouldn't hit you." "Well, yeah, I'd tell her to stop cleaning and go to her room, but she did it during the game and I know she did it on purpose." "I may have done it once, but she was always telling me no, so I had to ___." "I was her husband."

So, no, he won't apologize or hear you - at least not without actively working on his issues and/or honestly working his recovery program. And just like he won't hear you when you talk, he's not going to hear you when you write.

And this:
is just a fat load of cr-p.

His sobriety or lack thereof is not your triumph or failure.

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

It's all on him, so don't buy it. A book that continues to help me quite a bit is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

Sending you hugs and continued strength.

Cyranoak

...for the love of God why do you continue? Read your post for goodness sake-- please read it. Then go away for awhile and then read it again.

Good God.

Cyranoak

supersoap

I am in individual counciling, but since these past 3 weeks of turmoil she has been unavailable for our regular meetings due to vacation and family emergencies. She knows about a good chunk of this since she was the therapist for our couples counceling as well. She never advised me to leave him, so i never thought I was doing any thing wrong. You know the cliche stand by your man, through thick and thin kinda stuff. I had the irrational belief that if I couldn't work through this I would never be fit for a successful relationship. I just found out while I was with him that I am codependent by going to an al-anon meeting. I need to go more often, so i will look into the local sector and find what location and time fits my schedule.

Cyranoak, I am writing this down for the exact reasons you stated. I was so sad, and wanted him back, but every time I reread my post I would get angry and wonder what the heck I was thinking. You are right, I need to keep rereading this thread and remember what actually happened when I feel weak and want to take him back. It was out of anger that I was able to walk away in the first place.

How did you get through it? I am reading codependent no more, in therapy, exercising regularly, sticking to a schedule, practicing my sleep hygeine, and avoiding my own addiction which is smoking. I have been 8 months nicotine free, and that is huge considering I lost my job and just ended a tough relationship. I finally broke one form of my coping habits. Now if I could just kick the dwelling thing.

EnglishGarden

Oh, we have all had messy recoveries from codependency. I still struggle with my own.

What I accept, though, is that I can do the right thing even if there is an emotional hurricane going on inside me. I can stop myself from running to get back together with an active drug addict, I can stop myself from assuming that anyone I meet is what he seems, I can do right actions even if inside I am in a storm of pain and confusion.

You are doing well! Therapy, meetings, good habits for health, just trying to take responsibility. That's excellent for you. (Same here for me).

Don't expect to have enormous confidence right now or anytime soon, or to be completely logical and rational. This kind of pain breaks us down. It really does. It is devastating to love an addict. Devastating.

Just concentrate on actions. Ask yourself through the day, "Is this good for me?" That will help you protect yourself.

Many of us here can honestly say we were years recovering from the pain of loving an addict.

And many of us really like ourselves so much better because we grew up and faced hard realities and did the very best we could. Just as you are doing now.

theuncertainty

I agree with EnglishGarden. Recovery from co-dependency and/or an abusive relationship is messy and hard, hard work and isn't just 'completed'. I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor to help you through this; I know my recovery would have been 100% harder without my therapist.

My counselor told me when I first started seeing her that she'd never tell me what to do, instead her job is to help me work out what I wanted and/or needed to do. And she hasn't; no matter how much I wanted some one to tell me "THIS is your next step, TheUncertainty" (because that's what I was used to with XAH). I'd actually be a little concerned if she had flat out told you to leave.

I think it's just one step, then the next. There were days (sometimes still are) when it was all I could do to claw my way forward an inch, or even just hang; it didn't always feel like I was making any progress at all. Looking back at where I was, though, the change is immense.

You'll get there; you're already taking those steps.

PaperDolls

This is abuse. Plain and simple.

You're scared. Get out.

You can want him to act a certain way all you want ..... you can't make him do it.

Please take care of yourself. Put yourself first for once. You deserve more than this.

fedup3

and why would you want to be friends with this person? It sounds like any friendship is coming on your part and not at all on his just the opposite. You sound like such a wonderful person, be good to yourself because if you don't who will?

Florence

In my experience, therapists won't give you the road map, but they will help you figure out where you might want to go. I'll bet if you made a list of all of the pros and cons to your relationship, the cons list would be much, much longer than you think, especially when you're in the midst of the fear and obsession cycle. I used to get really wound up over being alone, fear of the unknown, and once the anxiety wheels started turning there were no brakes.

I recently started journaling again. I try to write something down every day -- how I feel, what I dreamed about the night before, what I want. I'm trying to figure out what I want next, what my goals are independent of my current marital and career responsibilities. It breaks me out of the worry and reminds me that I want things that have nothing to do with the health of my marriage. My RAH is in recovery today and I've chosen to be with him today, but I've been through break-ups before and if RAH decided to fall off the wagon, I know I could change the locks on the doors, file for divorce, and still be capable of parenting, running a household, and happiness.

As to your ex's behavior... it's totally absurd. It's abusive, manipulative, and bitter. This is not what recovery looks like. I'd keep a wide berth.

gerryP

supersoap, please read this thread again.

sunny34

Supersoap, I am sorry for all the drama and crap your abf is putting you through. I cannot give advice really but what I will say is that it is very hard when you love someone to see what is really in our best interest if it doesn't include them.
I have been married to a similiar individual for 20 years. I see many of the same things although I am currently not going though emotional or other abuse with him but have in the past.
A while back I could have written many things in your post (and some I still can). I am still with my AH and he is not in recovery. He is not currently abusive and I am in counseling.
What I want to ask you to ask yourself is.....
Is this what I want in my life in 20 years?
I am speaking only from my own experience. I never saw the pain and true impact his actions had on me. I am not the happy go lucky always saw the bright side of every situation as I was before I met him. I do not know if I will ever be that happy carefree person I use to be. I let him totally change me into a person I do not recognize, one who is not familar to me and one I have a hard time liking.
I went my whole life trying to please others, first my parents then my husband, and where did that get me? Asolutely no where! I have never succeeded and never will. What I have also come to realize is the person I should have been trying to please was myself which I lost and am still trying to find.
You are doing great quitting smoking and working on yourself and that is a huge thing. I only want to add that the peace you felt while he was in the hospital is possible every day. Only you can decide what you want in your future.......
More peace?
or More chaos?

He will not change and even if he does the road is so long and the chances for being plunged back into this deep dark hole is very high.
I am not telling you to leave him, I am only saying please take a look into the future and know that it will most likely get worse. My AH has never taken any resposibilty for his actions.
I know it is hard loosing the life and family, the part that you love with him but in the end the one you will miss the most is yourself because it will be taken away and replaced with someone unfamiliar and it takes years to find the real you again.
Only you can decide which life you want, both will be painful and difficult but one will be difficult for a time but the other will be difficult for a lifetime.
Your doing great on the things you have accomplished. What you are going though is very tough and difficult and you are a strong person.
I am sending hugs your way. Stay strong, I am rooting for you and I am on your side.