wanttofeelok

I knew my mother took a lot of pills. Anti-depressants and benzos as far as I knew. She has been on them for 30+ years now, and I am 25, so I have never experience a "sober" mom. I knew she had a lot of trauma growing up and never thought twice about how many meds she was on. I figured she needed them and they kept her sane, and since they were prescribed, it was ok.

Now I understand that she got on these drugs to numb out her traumas instead of facing them head-on and working through them. This explains how growing up with her was so difficult. No, I never had to pick her up from a bar drunk, or see her doing illegal drugs, but I never got to emotionally connect with her, understand her, learn to trust and truly love her. A lot of truth has been uncovered to me about her over the past year and a half and it hurts to realize that I suffered for so long because I had a parent that chose drugs over healthy ways to cope.

Now I find myself on drugs for the past 3 years and making a third attempt to get clean. However, now I am on prescribed benzos due to a panic attack of repressed childhood traumas coming up. I see myself going down the same road as my mom. It is too painful to face my past and reality even with the benzos. I have been on them daily for 4 months and know the longer I am on them the worse it will be to get off of them and truly face reality and be able to work on my problems sober. Although I don't get high from my meds, I know they decrease my anxiety and leave me feeling 'blah' kinda just numb, and are just another substance I can use to make things better immediately. I know I need help but feel I would go crazy working two jobs and dealing with the stresses of living with a dad going through a horrific divorce without drugs.

JustAYak

I am sorry you're going through such pain but I am glad you've stumbled upon this board. I had a heroin-addicted father and I too am a recovering addict (as are many of us here). It is a terrible way to grow up, all of us here understand that. You can only start to begin healing from the traumas when you are truly ready and no sooner... I would say focus on your own health and well-being (get clean and sober) first before diving into your ACoA recovery as it takes a lot of out of you. Doing both at the same time will probably end up being too much. A firm grasp on sobriety will really help you in the long run, when you realize you can't run to the drugs for help you will start facing the real feelings and allow yourself to feel them. That is vital to your healing. I hope you stick around a read some though--that never hurts.

ainsley1

I just want to say that I feel a connection to some of your posts here, and I have no words of wisdom yet but I'm listening. I am a mom of 2 who is trying to give up antidepressants so this is an interesting perspective to hear. Would it help to think that maybe your relationship with her might have been worse without her meds? (Depression is a horrible thing in itself). Just a thought.

Hope things get better for you, sounds like a massive amount of stress to deal with.

KuanYin

Hi wanto: Welcome to SR. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, my parents had a marriage made in hell. In my case, my mother was chronically depressed all the time, chewed her fingernails to the bone, and JMO, but I think my siblings and I would have been soooo much better off if our mother had been on anti-depressants. She constantly talked about 'wishing she was dead', and used us kids as her sounding board.

How do you think you mother would have been different had she not been on the medication? Do you think she was abusing it, or taking as directed?

I was in my late 20's when my parents finally got divorced. I see you are 25 - are you living with your dad by choice now?

Hugs and prayers that all will become clearer for you.