KelleyF

Insight needed…. Yes truly….. no complaints about anyone’s opinion.

Quick recap. My BF had 8 months off cocaine; then he had a one night binge right before xmas with an OD. His dad whom he hadn’t spoken to for about 18 months; who lives in another state was called to the hospital. Since all this happened his dad has been an active part of his life again. Many visits here and lots of phone calls.

So next weekend marks the end of 3 months since the OD. BF had made several agreements with his dad and they all expire at that time and his dad is coming back here on Friday. There are a couple of big things in this. One is that he has been taking blood tests 2x week since the OD. No reason except to please his dad and give him peace of mind. BF feels like he owes him this. There is no legal troubles or other reason for taking the test. He is really tired of the blood test and I don’t blame him; they are intrusive. He has it done just at the family docs office; but still it is a lot to subject yourself to.

So we have talked about this; how he is going to handle it going forward. He asked me if it would make me feel better to have him continue this. So I told him honestly what I felt; That at first it did make me feel better; because right after the OD I was completely shaken. Like Id been through a storm; drugs had never been part of my life with him and I was just scared. But now, I don’t need it; and it makes me feel sad that he has to have it done. But this still leaves his dad to contend with…..BF is certain that he is going to want him to continue testing, and he is torn about what to do.

Opinions?

So BF talked to the family Dr about it, and he seemed to agree with BF that enough was enough; but also said that he could do a hair follicle test which covers up to 3 months if he really felt the need to continue, and this would be less of a burden. It has only been 3 months since he last used; so the Dr suggested they try a test and see if anything showed up; knowing that he has had negative blood tests all along. So it came back and it did show some small level as being present. But the Dr. told him that it could be considered baseline and that future test should have that marker go down and disappear. He is not an expert in this type of testing though; but he did talk to the lab about it I guess. They said above the normal testing they use; they can do more in depth if necessary. We were wondering; what if it doesn’t absorb into the hair equally? What if the next sample had a slightly higher trace amount just because of the selection of hair? The Dr. said that it wouldn’t matter; that if you were to actively use then the marker would go way up and it would be obvious – not to worry about the rest. I guess that makes sense.

Does anyone have any experience in this type of thing?

BF is thinking that his dad will not be satisfied with every three months anyway; so he is thinking about once a month.

I told him he is going to end up bald; or like that hair growth commercial for men…. Little tufts remaining.

outtolunch

Is there some reason why your 30 +/- year old BF does not decline to be tested, going forward?

KuanYin

First, how old is your BF? Second, unless you have a very skilled reference lab performing the hair follicle test, you may or may not get a reliable result. Also, if he only used once in between testing, it may or may not show up in the follicle test. The hair test is not quite what people think it is. (Suggest doing a little research at www.NIDA.gov and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on this test).

This is just my opinion, but does your BF feel that these drug tests are keeping him clean? Only he and he alone can decide what he puts into his body. That responsibility lies solely on him and no one else. Frankly I'd put that burden where it belongs, on bf's shoulders. He will not stop using cocaine (or anything else) until he is good and ready. The testing may delay use, but it's ultimately up to the individual. JMO. I think his dad's heart is in the right place, btw.

KelleyF

Before the OD he hadnt had any contact with his dad in almost 2 years. After he quit using, he moved - got his own apartment, became licensed in the state he moved to, got a good job, has his own car, etc. So yes he was fully self sufficient.

After the OD. His dad got him kicked out of his apartment; Im certain of this because I had my apartment in the same complex (that is how we met) and the people in the office told me this. They plasted an eviction notice on his door and the whole bit. So his dad worked it that he would agree to move in with his friend/boss for 3 months for stability or so he said. Technically that is where he has been living.

So he is not currently relying on his dad for money or anything; but he used to work for his dad at his firm. He does want to go back there one day, but not right now. BF screwed his dad over pretty good; he has a lot of guilt over it. I think that is the main reason he agreed to the blood testing and meet all the other demands.

KelleyF

((Kuan))

BF is 32.

Im 28.

I have tried to read some about the hair follicle testing; the main concern is that it is accurate - and that if he does it this way - his dad wont argue the results. I mean if its not reliable then its pointless. BF family Dr is really nice guy and all, but this isnt his specialty i dont think. haha

KelleyF

I wish I could explain his dad. I actually like him, but he is a piece of work.
BF says he always figures out a way to get what he wants, and not that you always end up getting screwed or anything....he sorta likes to have things "settled by agreement - his way"

hmmm.... I guess I might as well say it... BF is planning on moving from his friends once he meets this obligation that he agreed to. We are planning on moving in together. But not in my apartment; we have been looking at houses. Something we had planned on doing before Xmas.

bluebelle

I think this is a decision that your bf has to make, and you'll have to leave him to that decision. It is one of those things where you could tell him, "Dear, I know you will make the right decision." Sometimes, people ask us to make difficult decisions for them because they don't want to have the responsibility. If your bf makes the wrong decision, will it be your fault because you steered him the wrong way?

I personally would not ever subject my RABF to have drug tests. It is just a point in the relationship where I don't want to go. I am not a probation officer or a drug counselor, so I don't think it is my job. I can't imagine that we would choose to have my ASD go through drug tests either (she's 21). If she wanted to work through a program that included drug tests, that would be her decision.

However, if your bf feels like he is reassuring his father through the use of drug tests, then that is his choice. Like I said, I don't think it is a place for you to get involved. My RABF said he kind of liked that his employer required drug tests. He liked having those negative tests because for so many years he would have refused drug tests (due to drug usage). So, for him, it was something to be proud of. However, it wasn't something that he used to show me--and not something to show his parents (they are passed away).

KelleyF

Well I do get affected by his dad; and how he affects BF... for example the other night ... BF had a nightmare at 3am.. woke up freaked out that he had an argument with his dad and then he had a heartattack and died. So he wanted to call his dad; but it was 3 am... so neither of us got any sleep. Called his dad the next morning - he was fine.

BF used to have nightmares when I first met him, but not in months and months. I know it was over this whole thing with his dad.

bluebelle

How do you feel about this?

KelleyF

((Bluebelle))

Im excited about it. Nervous too - not really because of the drug issues; just because its taking another step. We were living together before his OD. He had his apartment, but he just used it for clothes, and a home office for the most part. Ive missed him a lot these past 3 months.

bluebelle

If RABF asks me a question that really needs to be addressed with his psychiatrist or counselor, then I suggest that he talks to her about it.

I understand that your bf's relationship with his father effects you. That is very understandable. I know that my relationship with my AM effects my bf. I try not to overburden him--I discuss problems with my mom with my psychiatrist and I also read a lot of books. I also discuss stuff about her on this website. I know he can make suggestions (ex. Why do you let her say that to you?), but in the long run, my issues with my mom are my own. My suggestion regarding this issue would be turn it back over to your bf.

From what you've said, the bf's father does sound overbearing, in a codependent sort of way. I get the feeling that he is really trying to control your bf and his drug problems. I'm sure he cares about him a lot, and was very scared by the OD. In my mind, it makes me think of my AM's mother. She has always super tried to control everyone's actions. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that part of that was b/c my mom has drug addiction/mental health issues. My grandmother won't really admit that my mom has problems, but she will do about everything to control the situation and to rescue my mom. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel compassion for your bf's father. I can kind of see why he does what he does. I also know that none of this will change your bf's situation. The bottom line is that your bf has to want to be clean. It is up to him whether he uses more cocaine. Having him take blood tests and live at the boss' house seems like a termporary measure to control the situation, but not a long-term solutions.

dollydo

Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?

KelleyF

Yes it was definitely a weird situation. When BF was in hospital I came home one day saw this notice posted on his door. It wasn't from the city or anything just the mgmt office. I was upset at the time but went to the office to check it out. First I was told there were complaints of drugs I'm assuming because of the ambulance and gossiping minds. Then another girl in the office told me that she thought he died and his dad had come by to close it out. But of course he didnt die. But then like 2 weeks later when I went to pay my rent, I found out it had been paid up for 6 months. Same story from the girl, the father of the guy who died. Talked later to the mgr because I wanted to know if I would get part of the prepaid back if I move before end of June.
So basically think BF dad wanted him to think he was getting kicked out but he most likely lied to the manager or gave him a tip for helping him. I didn't ask the mgr at that point thought it would be a bit insulting.
Im sure BF could have argued about it; but he let it go; knew his dad was behind it. Is rather crazy making isnt it?

KelleyF

Forgot one of the main reasons his dad supposedly did this with tha apartment was because he didn't want him going back to a place where he had done drugs.
At that point I'm not sure he believed he had been clean the 8 months because this all happened while BF was in hospital.

bluebelle

That story sounds very weird and complicated. So, was he evicted? As others said, the father can't have the son evicted. Or, did the father lie and say the son died and that's why he moved out?

Whatever happened, is this the kind of drama that you want in your life? I've seen the drama that revolves between my ASD and her mother. Her mother will lie for her, rescue, create more drama, ASD gets angry, blames her mother and everybody else--the cycle continues.

I agree with the above post. Why the hurry to move in together?

wicked

Your rent had been prepaid for 6 months? Who prepaid?
If it wasn't you, then why would you get the prepaid back?
Why was there an eviction notice pasted to the door, when the gossip was that he (son or boyfriend) died? No need to evict the dead.
This sounds like a whole lotta confusion.

Beth

KelleyF

I know this part is very confusing. When all this first happened with the apartment I was really upset over BF so the apartment thing upset me but it wasn't my biggest worry at that time. I think there was gossip of course because of the ambulance and I'm sure people knew drugs were involved. I can't recall exactly what I said to who at the time, so I may have even said it.
A notice did get put on the door from what I recall it was like an eviction notice. I pulled it off the door and took it to the office. I got the story that it was because of drugs and complaints, then one of the girls told me - who I'm more inclined to believe that BF dad came in and talked to mgr.
So her story was it was drugs and he died. Of course some people there would know he hadnt died, so I've no idea what all the manager and the office people concluded. I know for sure that the girl in the office was telling me what she thought was the truth... The guy who's son died - paid my rent up for 6 months. I know this was BF dad because I finally asked him. He just said it was for helping my BF for calling 911. I didnt ask him anything about BF apartment. I know it's kinda crazy... I think his dad had good intentions but at the time I didnt pry. At first i found BF dad rather intimidating. Now not so much.

I just figured if the rent was paid in advance and I moved; the mgmt company shouldn't get to keep it.

Justfor1

Depending on the type of the drug test it's possible he could still get high on other drugs. Or he could get extremely drunk. His dad seems like some sort of control freak. If an addict wants to get high then they are going to find a way to get high.

KelleyF

I can see how it sounds really bad; Accepting things from BF dad. *I'd never met him until hospital. Have to say our first encounter was not pleasant.

Apparently he had the impression that because I found BF during the od - that I had been there doing drugs with him. *He most definitely gave me a piece of his mind while we were in the waiting room!*
BF friend/boss had to intervene to stop his rant. Then he explained the situation. *Later his dad apologized to me; he was just upset and I get where he thought that so I never held it against him. *

The rent I can sorta understand; he was just being nice; maybe at the time he even thought BF was helping with my rent ( not the case ) but in the very beginning be wouldn't have known that.
I told him it wasn't necessary but he shrugged it off.

The grad school tuition did really bother me; cause first of all how did he even know anything about it? *It was Holiday between semesters but I never discussed tuition with him. *How did he know how to even pay it? *I've come to the conclusion he had his secretary do all the footwork from CA. *I ended up finding out it was paid by credit card. *

I did ask him it was supposed to make me leave BF, or stay with BF - he said neither; he would never interfere with our relationship. *Have to say he has kept his word on that. *

Hes nice to me when he comes to visit. *I talk to him on the phone once in a while. *BF stepmom at first called me a lot; I know she was just worried. But I told BF; he said that I was their "mole" and he laughed about it. Said he had nothing to hide so it was up to me to talk to them or not. *

Makes me kinda wonder though when I read a lot on the forum - no offense to anyone- but seems lots of parents of A's or recovering A's don't have much to do with gf's; they kinda get ignored. *So I've wondered based on that if there are motives' for his dads behavior towards me.

Maybe happy im around just because im a drug free distraction for BF; maybe he has more sinister plans- i think he's outta my league for my trying to beat him at his game however. *LoL

KelleyF

Yes your right of course about the drugs.. I really think a year ago when he decided to quit; he meant it. I can't explain away his relapse, but all I can do is judge him on what I see, hear, feel from being with him.
That is that he truly wants to be done.

It's funny you mention drinking though; I don't drink, and don't keep any alcohol at my place. BF doesn't drink very often - but last time his dad was here; we were all together at BF's friend/boss house- all the guys had a couple drinks . Not excessive . But that didn't bother his dad!
I guess it shouldnt really; BF has never had problems with anything but cocaine from what I know. But I thought it was weird that if he is going to be so protective why not forbid everything
But then flip side... He sees a newspaper article on the coffee table that he thinks is a trigger and he flips out.