Atitagain

Hi...I am 46 years old and have been using alcohol as a crutch for a very long time. Up until now, I have been afraid to admit I have a problem, because I'm afraid of not being able to drink any more. I don't drink all the time...usually just on the weekends...but almost every time, I drink to a black out state. It seems once I get to a certain point, I just want more...no matter what...and I will keep drinking until I black out...then wake up in the morning feeling horrible and guilty. I have a 5 year old and a husband that loves me...and he so badly wants me to stop using alcohol. I keep trying to find new ways of making it "better"...I WON'T DRINK DURING THE WEEK, I'LL ONLY DRINK ONE NIGHT A WEEK...but it doesn't matter...because I do the same thing every time. There is no "one or two drinks" for me. Used to be just one bottle of wine or champagne...now it can be as much as two. I don't know why I do it, but I do know it is affecting my marriage. I can see it in my husbands face every time I wake up after another night of too much alcohol. I guess it's time to stop making excuses and try to quit...because I don't think I will ever be able to be just a casual drinker. But I've been to afraid to give it up. My life is FINALLY what I have always wanted it to be...so I don't know why I am sabotaging it.

Thanks for letting me share my pain!

At it Again!

flutter

Hi, welcome

I made a lot of promises to myself too, before I was ready to do this for good. I know all too well that look of my husband's 'morning after' face, wondering if I behaved badly, what i did, said.. But now, that never happens, and I don't have to worry about it, it's a giant freedom really.

Glad you're here. Go Broncos (?) lol...

Nextchapter

I hear what you're saying. I was so afraid for years to admit I had a problem because I loved to drink. After my dad died 6 months ago, I decided I didn't want to drink myself to death like he did without enjoying life. I went to a therapist, went on a regiman of healthy eating and exercise and made an awesome change!

Then I began to allow myself a drink here and there. Then it was a little more wine on the weekends and it progressed into a full blown bender the past 3 days. I even took a vacation day on Friday just to try to get myself together and I ended up drinking that day too.

I'll never be a casual drinker and I can't allow myself a drink ever so often. I'm going to AA meetings starting tomorrow and hopefully I can find my way out of this nightmare and I hope you do too!

IndaMiricale

Welcome glad your at it again.

It has taken me many attempts also, but the key is to keep learning and getting up. I did not try to get sober till 39 myself. And I see your in CO I lived up in Boulder for years , miss it.

Welcome again.

2granddaughters

Atitagain, I was 45 when I went to rehab. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I found recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the medicine for the disease that I have.

All the best.

Bob R

seethefuture

Fellow Colorado girl here - also 46 and doing some sorting out. I tend to use alcohol to numb the feelings I have toward my husband - we are separating but in the same house - way too much baggage to list here, but I am trying to stop using it to get away from my issues and instead face and deal with them.

I am here if you need a friend.

Anna

I hope that you decide to stop drinking. And, remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse if you don't stop. And, of course it's scary to think of not drinking anymore, but you can do it. And, I sabotaged myself too for a long time and I finally realized that I was comfortable failing. Succeeding was something I was unsure of.

BelizeDiver

Hi Atitagain

I am also 46 and have a wife that loves me very much. I can not believe she stuck around watching me slowly loose everything over the past 20 years. You are not alone, we are all scared to let go of our alcohol. I drank daily and a lot so it was hard but can be done. I am only on day 4 but that is a long 4 days for me. Why I dont know but some of us just can not drink even 1, for me it was always uno mas until I had slammed down 20 or so. I had to stop or it would kill me. First, tell everyone you are stopping and then see your doc. They can help with any issues that come up but you must stop or it will rob you of everything. Good Luck :ghug3

Sapling

Take a few minutes and read this...See if it makes sense to you.

The Doctor's Opinion

Atitagain

Thanks Flutter!!!!! I look forward to the day when he doesn't have to look at me like that anymore and can be proud of me for NOT drinking! And GO BRONCOS! Now a Bronco fan of course. Next season should be interesting!

Atitagain

Nextchapter: So sorry about your Dad and about the bender. I am glad that his passing helped you to realize that you don't want to live your life like that. I don't either! I hope we both get there.

And yes, it has just gotten worse...I'm not going to give up. I want to be a good example for my daughter and I hate that she ever has to see me like that.

Atitagain

Seethefuture...thank you so much! I used to use it that way when I was married to a horrible man...he was so controlling. That's when it really started for me. I developed anxiety and panic disorder during that time and I used the alcohol to help with the meds. Still on meds...but I have a wonderful husband and no need to be numb anymore...that's why I can't understand why I keep doing it. But yes...need people to talk to about this because I have not talked to anyone about this besides my husband.

Atitagain

Anna: This really hits home:
"I finally realized that I was comfortable failing. Succeeding was something I was unsure of."
My counselor for my anxiety said I am not motivated by failure or misery...it is good things that make me move forward. Succeeding with this means no more drinking...and I am so unsure of that. Thank you for reminding me of this very important fact.

Atitagain

Thank you for sharing that Belizediver. 4 days is great!!!!!!!! Keep going. I'm going to give it my best shot! I have watched my husband go from loving me and LIKING me...to loving me and not liking me very much. Breaks my heart because he has given me all I've ever wanted...a good husband, a child, and a happy life. And I've given him this. He deserves better for sure!

Atitagain

Sapling: Thank you for the attachment. All of these are me:

Feeling restless, irritable and discontented,unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity.

After drinking, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.

There is the type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment.

All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving.

Thank you...I have the book...I'll start reading!

sugarbear1

Welcome!

Glad you are here, Atitagain! Just tomorrow, don't drink, just one day....

Peace,

artsoul

Welcome Atitagain!

I could never manage to have "one or two" either (except when I had to due to the circumstances - and that always left me frustrated). I was terrified to give it up, but once I realized how great it was to get up without a hangover, feeling proud of myself, the fear started going away.

It really, really helps to have the kind of support you'll find here. You can do it!

langkah

Have you decided to stop, or is this a vent?

instant

Life is so much better free of the torment of 'should I shouldn't I' etc etc etc. Being free of the struggle is a blessing better than the buzz I chased for so long.

Veritas1

Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity.
Bill's Story

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics.
There is a solution

He cannot picture life without alcohol.
A vision for you

But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
There is a solution

Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.
A vision for you

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
More About Alcoholism

Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight.
Doctor's Opinion

How many time people have said to us: “I can take it or leave it alone. Why can’t he?” “Why don’t you drink like a gentleman or quit?” “That fellow can’t handle his liquor.” “Why don’t you try beer and wine?” “Lay off the hard stuff.” “His will power must be weak.” “He could stop if he wanted to.” “She’s such a sweet girl, I should think he’d stop for her sake.” “The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.”
There is a solution

We thought we could find an easier, softer way.
How it works

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums —we could increase the list ad infinitum.
More About Alcoholism

Men and women drink essentially because they like the affect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many people do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
Doctor's Opinion

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they connot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
Doctor's Opinion

These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.

Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot.
There is a solution

To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in a serious condition. He knew he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he had a deep affection. Yet he got drunk again.
More about alcoholism

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.

The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension--that makes for more drinking.
Into action

If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking—“What do I have to do?”
There is a solution

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.
More About Alcoholism

We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever.
More About Alcoholism

He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.
There is a solution

~

Hi...

As I read your post, I immediately thought of parts of the big book and grabbed a paper and pen.

You see, my sponsor told me that it is good to offer help from the book versus opinion.

As I read each of your sentences...parts of the book came to my thoughts.

I spent time researching and posting in the order of your thoughts.

I hope it is helpful.