veryfrustrated

I am really starting to hate my weekends. Isn't that terrible? I hate my AH for making me hate my weekends! I can't stand this tension and stress every weekend. For those of you who haven't read my posts before, my AH is not a full blown alcoholic.....yet, but I believe he is certaintly on the way. He thinks because he doesn't drink for a few days during the week that it should be ok to drink whatever he wants on the weekends. I have decided a few weeks ago to stop 'nagging' him to change or getting mad at him for his drinking. I have decided to start focusing on myself and my two little children. We have been talking like normal when he is not drinking, I still make dinner, I still do his laundry and we do stuff together when it involves the kids, but when he drinks I sleep in the other room. Period. I simply told him that his drinking is not acceptable to me any longer and I know I can't change him, but when he drinks I will sleep in the other room and keep our children away from him. Thursday night (he was off work on Friday) he was here home with the kids and I, and he bought a 6 pack of beer and drank it all within a few hours, then went over to my neighbors house (another A) and had a few more beers. He wasn't trashed, but I slept in the other room that night because it was not acceptable to me to drink like that on Thursday night when he was just here with his family. Friday morning he was so pissed off at me because "he did nothing wrong", and he should be allowed to drink on the weekends if he wants, and I said he is 'allowed', but I don't have to like it. He remained very pissed at me and has made nasty remarks to me since then all because horrible me doesn't want to be around him and sleep in bed with him after he drinks. Yesterday he went out with his friend drinking and then stayed at his friend's house. He came home this morning to watch the kids because I had to go to a baby shower. He was completely hung over and miserable. Uknowingly to him, I checked the 12 pack of beer he had bought on Friday afternoon before I left and when I came home he had drank 6 of those beers....while watching his children. I left at 11, got home at 3:30 and he drank 6 beers. I took the kids and went shopping and when I got home he was gone again over his friends house...I know this because his friends fiance texted me to let me know he was there again and was going to sleep on their couch again for the 2nd night in a row, and of course they are drinking. Amazingly, he will come home tomorrow and say that I am the reason that he went out drinking 2 nights in a row like that all because I didn't agree with his drinking on Thursday. Makes perfect sense, right? Not!! I am so tired of it all being my fault. I am noticing that he is getting more mad at me and nastier with me since I have stopped lecturing him and trying to make him see why he needs to stop drinking. Has anyone else notice their AH getting more angry when you stopped trying to control what they drink, or if they drive, or when they drink?

Pelican

Yes, I noticed that my AH acted very immature when I stopped trying to change him. It was like having a 6 foot toddler in the house.

I think you are doing good to keep your focus on yourself and your children while he acts out.

It helped me to repeat the Serenity Prayer, repeatedly during those times.

(((hugs)))

Krys

Oh you are not alone. My boyfriend has made just about ever other weekend for the last 2 months miserable because of his drinking. I say every other because we have his son every other weekend and although he still drinks, he does not get drunk. We had an argument last night and this is the excuse that came flying out of his big mouth: "Stop getting on me about my drinking and making me feel like a loser. I am a very happy person, I am only mean to you when you are negative about my drinking. You should give me a hug and tell me it will be ok, making me feel bad just makes me drink more." All my fault! No wonder the poor guy can't get ahead in life, I am holding him back and making him drink! I have so much influence on him that I make him drink...now if only I could make him stop. lol. Truth me told I don't try to make him feel bad, I call em like I see em and I don't think pointing out the obvious (you are too drunk to drive, I am not having this argument while you are drunk) is being mean. Your husband makes his own choices and tries to turn it around on you to make himself feel better and to manipulate you IMO. I have been falling for the same **** for the last few months. And yes your husband is acting like a baby since you stopped nagging him. Even though mine complains that my nagging makes it worse, if I stop I don't care about him or I am not there for him. Truth is I am not there for him to take his crap out on.

Thelma

I have been in the spare bedroom, that now doubles as my sanctuary, for two years for the same reason. I have done everything I can to make him see what he's doing to himself and to us. He chooses his alcohol every time. I don't nag anymore either. And yes, it seems to make him even angrier. He's averaging a case a day now on the weekends and a 12 pack during the week. (this from 6pm to 10pm) I make no more comments when he drinks, doesn't eat and eventually passes out. I HAVE to go on with my life in spite of the fact that I'm day after day watching this man disintegrate before my eyes. I listen to the blame game and refuse to defend myself against the accusations. What's the point? Every day I comfort myself knowing that I managed to get through another day without letting him get to me.

silkspin

veryfrustrated, your weekends sound a lot like my weekends in the past (we were without our daughter at the time though). About Wednesday I'd start feeling the tension about the upcoming weekend and if we were invited to do anything because I'd worry about how much he'd drink and make a fool of himself. Then it took me half the week to come down from his actual drinking on the weekend. So that was anxiety for me 7 days a week, and for him, well, he was coasting through his life looking forward to his weekend to 'unwind' and then while he was drinking, of course he was having a grand old time. Talk about polar opposite experiences. And to this day he maintains he was never 'terrible'. Cuz they can't see what we go through, stone cold sober! Al Anon really helped me here - one lady told me wisely that Al Anon helps me shorten that anticipatory anxiety and the recovery in the aftermath. And she was right. After a while, I was able to detach and enjoy my week, and recover more quickly if he did drink. Is Al Anon an option for you?

He's getting nasty because he's feeling vulnerable and threatened. When you guys were doing what I call 'the dance' before, he knew his drinking was safe - you might yell and nag but in the end you'd settle back into your old spot and he'd be able to drink again. This is different to him and he doesn't like it - he senses things are actually changing. Essentially he is losing control over his 'ideal' drinking environment. This is when they start pulling out the stops and trying to hook you back in - making bigger promises, getting nasty, in my case saying he'll change, he'll stop, he'll be better....

Although it's hard, it's up to you to change your perspective of your weekends. Just like you can't make him drink, he can't make you do anything either. You are responding to his behaviour and can choose to react differently. Read about detachment. If my AH started drinking, I would politely separate myself (other room etc) If he tried talking I would respond with bare minimum uhuh, sure, ok and extricate as soon as possible. But instead of agonizing over what he was up to, I'd call an Al Anon friend, I'd meditate, I'd read something (regular reading or reading on addiction). It is possible to feel at peace even amidst the chaos.

You're on the right track. It may feel foreign to you now and especially because he's calling you out but you were right telling him he can do what he wants but you don't have to be around it. Keep caring for yourself and especially for your kids.

Majamama

You and I seem to be living the same life. I hope we can find our own way to be happy.

Adventure

Wow, I think you're my twin. Only difference is I refused to leave my own bedroom and he has been in the spare bedroom for the majority of our 5 year "marriage" (and non-stop for almost 2 years now).

@ veryfrustrated, the reason they get angrier when we don't react IMO is because it gives them less justification in their own minds for drinking. Usually when I react my AH turns the argument around on me, tells me I'm being evil, uncaring, etc. etc. and is it any wonder he drinks blah blah blah...... When I allow myself to react, I tend to lose the plot completely. Therefore, in his head, it takes the responsibility of deciding to have a drink out of his hands, and is all my fault!! I have just recently stopped doing this and it is amazing how frustrated he gets and just gets madder and nastier. The end result is always the same - he drinks - he just has more of a burden of guilt when it's not "my fault"

veryfrustrated

The kids and I went to my aunt's house today for a family party and he chose not to go with us because he is mad at me for sleeping in the other room on Thursday night. That is the only thing that he can grasp at to blame me for his weekend of drinking. Kind of humorous when I actually type it. I told him weeks ago that when he drank I would simply sleep in the other room because I choose not to be a part of his drinking anymore, so I did that Thursday night and said NOTHING nasty, argumentative or scolding to him on Friday, NOTHING! Yet, he took that sleep in the other room and used it as his excuse to stay over a friend's house 2 days in a row drinking and not spend the day with his kids at a family party. I told him simply before I left that it is HIS choice to not go with us today and his choice to spend the weekend out and drinking like he did, and his reply was "I am the way I am because of you". I left without saying another word, but I seriously wanted to SCREAM!!!!!! When I would plead with him to stop drinking and bitch at him to stop drinking and threaten to leave him because he wouldn't stop drinking, he would tell me to stop being his mother and he will do what he wants. Now that I am ignoring the drinking and telling him that it is his life and he is a grown-up and makes his own choices, he has the nerve to tell me that he is the way he is because of me. So NOW after all of these years of telling me I am not his mother and he will do what he wants, I have managed to influence him so much that I make him drink. If it wasn't so pathetic and frustrating, it would actually be humorous. He has an amazing talent to always find a way to blame me for his problems.

I agree with all of you, I think he is being nastier because he knows that if I don't stand in his way and try to prevent him from embarrasing himself or doing something stupid then he has noone left to blame but himself. I just hope that he decides to make the right choice at some point in his life...before it's too late...

silkspin

Tactics to try and regain equilibrium in the face of deteriorating conditions under which he could continue drinking without obstacle. Very common. Meant to hook us in, of course to deny that statement and in doing so, you're engaged. Regardless of what you say, any response in his brain is taken as an absolution of drinking - meaning he handed it to you, you took it, so his hands are now free to pick up a bottle.

I called it the dance. We did it Saturday mornings, sometimes Sunday mornings as well. He'd feel rough, I'd be upset, he's say something like I know I failed, I guess I'm just a failure, I try hard, etc. I'd take this and run with it, analyzing why he can't kick this thing, recommend solutions. Then of course after all my reassuring that he's not a failure, he'd feel better and go on his merry way, and I would feel gross and burdened with all of what just transpired.

When I started detaching, it was hard not to respond to these statements, but not as hard as dealing with how gross I always felt after. And soon I began to feel very free, able to walk away happily to my next activity and leaving him hungover, smelly, grungy, left to face the day and his own issues. You did good by saying NOTHING. He'll continue trying to hook; pretend you're wearing teflon and let this stuff bounce right off - it's his addiction defence mechanisms kicking in, plain and simple. And I hope you had a good time at the family party!

Thumper

I totally get where you are at. I remember that feeling of dread very well.

I became a lot less frustrated when I realized that I had choices too - and I could make them independent of the choice he made - and I could choose whatever was best for me.

healthyagain

I'm here right now because of someone who makes me hate weekends as well. For example, this weekend was good till 7 pm. Then my AH drank too much, fell asleep, and got up angry because he fell asleep.

We were to watch a movie together. I made dinner, everything was fine and dandy. He drinks. He gets sleepy; I let him sleep; I watch the movie by myself. He wakes up mumbling, mad about something (I have no idea about what), goes to another room (he is there right now), and we apparently are not going to sleep in the same bed tonight. We did not argue. I only told him that his mood swings are freaking me out, and when he asked me what I wanted, I said I wanted my husband back...(which I truly want, but that ain't going to happen because he is married to alcohol.) Am I upset? Not really. I am just coming to the conclusion that this is not the kind of marriage I wanted and that it is time to think of an exit strategy. Thanks God we do not have any kids.

Cyranoak

Hope is not a strategy. You are a hostage in your own home. You have the keys to your prison but you refuse to use them. Are you truly happier there than you would be as a free person? This is a rhetorical question.

Cyranoak