Trying to be supportive of AA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Trying to be supportive of AA
I've been in my relationship for a little over a year. My story is different from some others in that I never noticed that my boyfriend had a drinking problem. He was very good at hiding his drinking. I did not find out about it until one day I went to take a sip out of a coke can and found straight alcohol in it. I say that I never knew about his drinking because I am not dealing with the aftermath of his drinking days, or fear that he will start drinking again, rather what I am having trouble with are the negative changes in him since he started AA. Anyway, when confronted about the drinking he told me he has been drinking too much and needs to go to AA. That same night he did go to AA and has been going ever since (about 5 months now). Over the course of the 5 months he has become completely obsessed with AA. He goes to meeting every day and he says he must go out to eat afterwards. Going out to eat takes anywhere between 2 or three hours each night. Our time together has essentially been reduced to the hours that we are both sleeping. Before we go to sleep he reads from the AA book so we don't have any conversation anymore. There are people at AA who I know he is confiding in, particularly a female who I have met once. He keeps his phone locked since he began AA and says it is because there are messages on the phone from AA friends and they are personal. (The woman I mentioned is 70 and overweight, I am 40 and attractive so I don't really fear that he is cheating physically - with her anyway - but definately emotionally). I also found out that he created a fake facebook page to talk to AA people. I have facebook but he will not add me to his. All of this has made me very insecure and I have found myself driving past his house and calling to check up on him to see if he is cheating on me (which I am not proud of). My insecurity has in turn pushed him further away to the point that he says he needs space. I have tried to learn about AA and whether his going out to eat every night is normal, I have even offered to have the AA friends over to my house for dinner so that way I could meet them, which he has not followed up on. Right now we are taking a break from seeing eachother and I am contemplating whether I should give the relationship one more chance. I truly would like to be supportive and part of me thinks maybe I'm over-reacting but another part of me is telling me to trust my instincts and just call it quits. I do love him. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Am I over-reacting?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand loving someone with an addiction to alcohol.
Alcoholism is progressive. If untreated it does get worse, even if the alcoholic gets sober for a period of time (days, weeks, months, years) picking alcohol back up is like playing a tape on fast forward. The alcoholic quickly catches back up physically, mentally and emotionally to where they left off.
I have heard there are 3 ways to end an addiction to alcohol:
Jail
rehabilitation
Grave
It looks like your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) is choosing rehabilitation. It also sounds like he is embrassing his recovery from alcoholism as if his life depends upon it, and that is a good thing - because his life very well may depend on him learning new habits and responses to life.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also an ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
So I understand both sides of the addiction to alcohol.
What helped me as a partner to an alcoholic was learning about alcoholism ( a great book is "Under the Influence")
and attending Alanon meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.
The man you are dating now is not the man that he was while actively drinking alcohol. It will take time to reveal the real deal guy. Time to work out issues that kept him reaching for alcohol, Time for his body to physically recover from addiction, and Time for him to learn how to handle his sober emotions.
How you choose to spend the rest of your life - is your choice. We are here to support you in whatever you choose!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand loving someone with an addiction to alcohol.
Alcoholism is progressive. If untreated it does get worse, even if the alcoholic gets sober for a period of time (days, weeks, months, years) picking alcohol back up is like playing a tape on fast forward. The alcoholic quickly catches back up physically, mentally and emotionally to where they left off.
I have heard there are 3 ways to end an addiction to alcohol:
Jail
rehabilitation
Grave
It looks like your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) is choosing rehabilitation. It also sounds like he is embrassing his recovery from alcoholism as if his life depends upon it, and that is a good thing - because his life very well may depend on him learning new habits and responses to life.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also an ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
So I understand both sides of the addiction to alcohol.
What helped me as a partner to an alcoholic was learning about alcoholism ( a great book is "Under the Influence")
and attending Alanon meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.
The man you are dating now is not the man that he was while actively drinking alcohol. It will take time to reveal the real deal guy. Time to work out issues that kept him reaching for alcohol, Time for his body to physically recover from addiction, and Time for him to learn how to handle his sober emotions.
How you choose to spend the rest of your life - is your choice. We are here to support you in whatever you choose!
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Yes absolutely. My ex husband. He ran to meetings his whole first year or so, I mean ran. Leaving me to deal with our teenage daughter, having to call the police once or twice on my own, well I ended up furious.
Now it's 3 years later, he moved back in, he's calmed down a lot although he does still attend regularly and has sponsees, is very involved. He needed to distance himself from us for his own successful recovery apparently although at the time I was less than comprehending that. He is now helping me to begin recovery anew and making up for a lot of that time. He has female friendships but none that ever came to anything outside recovery. Of course at the time I was very suspicious of it. It took the intervening years and seeing the results and how he lives to understand that it did not mean intimacy. It was very difficult. Maybe you could go to Alanon during this time? Don't know if you are open to that.
Now it's 3 years later, he moved back in, he's calmed down a lot although he does still attend regularly and has sponsees, is very involved. He needed to distance himself from us for his own successful recovery apparently although at the time I was less than comprehending that. He is now helping me to begin recovery anew and making up for a lot of that time. He has female friendships but none that ever came to anything outside recovery. Of course at the time I was very suspicious of it. It took the intervening years and seeing the results and how he lives to understand that it did not mean intimacy. It was very difficult. Maybe you could go to Alanon during this time? Don't know if you are open to that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Amanda,
Just a quick hello.
I am sorry that you are going through this at the moment.
I will say that maybe it might be time to move on, because getting sober does take huge commitment. He is taking it a bit far with the meals though. That is not AA. That is him.
On the one hand, I am impressed that he reads his BB and goes to daily meetings and has the older lady friend.
On the other hand, he is being mean by not tending to his girlfriend who in a way has probably saved his life.
You have your own place still. I would say maybe, just break up.
I did give my kitty to my mother as I couldn't cope with her needs!
That is just an idea of where he may be at.
He is being selfish with all the socialising. The fact is, AA is anonymous, so he can't just bring them all around for dinner. They are in a private fellowship and any outsiders are a threat to their anonymity. He has no right to "out" his AA people. That is the way it is.
Some people are hanging on by a thread and are very dependent on their AA friends.
I know when I was getting sober, I didn't want to meet anybody!
I certainly would not have been meeting other member's family.
I could barely meet my own friends and family!
I suppose you could try talking to him about how you feel.
How about suggesting meeting up after a meeting somewhere for dinner or coffee? Just the two of you?
If he says no, he is basically expecting you to sit around and take crumbs.
You are not the one with the problem.
May I suggest AlAnon and a great book called "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie?
You are not "in as deep" as others, and that is good.
You are deserving of more though, aren't you?
Best to you and a hug from Ireland.:ghug3
Just a quick hello.
I am sorry that you are going through this at the moment.
I will say that maybe it might be time to move on, because getting sober does take huge commitment. He is taking it a bit far with the meals though. That is not AA. That is him.
On the one hand, I am impressed that he reads his BB and goes to daily meetings and has the older lady friend.
On the other hand, he is being mean by not tending to his girlfriend who in a way has probably saved his life.
You have your own place still. I would say maybe, just break up.
I did give my kitty to my mother as I couldn't cope with her needs!
That is just an idea of where he may be at.
He is being selfish with all the socialising. The fact is, AA is anonymous, so he can't just bring them all around for dinner. They are in a private fellowship and any outsiders are a threat to their anonymity. He has no right to "out" his AA people. That is the way it is.
Some people are hanging on by a thread and are very dependent on their AA friends.
I know when I was getting sober, I didn't want to meet anybody!
I certainly would not have been meeting other member's family.
I could barely meet my own friends and family!
I suppose you could try talking to him about how you feel.
How about suggesting meeting up after a meeting somewhere for dinner or coffee? Just the two of you?
If he says no, he is basically expecting you to sit around and take crumbs.
You are not the one with the problem.
May I suggest AlAnon and a great book called "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie?
You are not "in as deep" as others, and that is good.
You are deserving of more though, aren't you?
Best to you and a hug from Ireland.:ghug3
Last edited by Hollyanne; 03-24-2012 at 04:01 PM. Reason: spelling!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this is why they say no relationships with opposite sex....its very intense therapy, and he really needs stay focus on nothing else but being SOBER...
it is a hard year for the recovery addict/alcoholic, for the first time in their LIFE they have to DEAL with their way of living and thinking...its a selfish program...and HONEST program also...
now its time for you and your support in recovery AL ANON...he has his and you have yours...CHANGE happens with CHANGE...
let him work his program and you work yours...
it is a hard year for the recovery addict/alcoholic, for the first time in their LIFE they have to DEAL with their way of living and thinking...its a selfish program...and HONEST program also...
now its time for you and your support in recovery AL ANON...he has his and you have yours...CHANGE happens with CHANGE...
let him work his program and you work yours...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes for me, too. My RAH (recovering alcoholic husband) was very involved in AA. It's been close to 18 months now, and he is still very much involved, but not "obsessed" with it anymore.
I put that word in quotes because to us it seems like obsession. To them, from what I am told, its survival.
Give it time, and keep coming back!
~T
I put that word in quotes because to us it seems like obsession. To them, from what I am told, its survival.
Give it time, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Your story is yours, but it isn't different at all. Just like my story, it's the same as thousands who've come before me, and thousands who will come after.
When I figured this out it came as a bit of a shock to me.
Take care,
Cyranoak
When I figured this out it came as a bit of a shock to me.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I am a double winner- in both programs myself.....at a conference last week I learned the 4 m's ; try not to mother, marytr, manipulate, or manage....work your own program......leave him to his higher power. If he does not have recovery he will die. Treat him like your drink. Work your program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Well I broke down and stopped by his house after his meeting today to see if we could talk. He said he was on his way to help the older woman from AA with her homework! Apparently she's in school for accounting and he's a CPA so he offered to help! We are supposed to talk later tonight - I will listen to what he has to say and make up my mind then.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: holyoke mass
Posts: 23
Thank you for all the info. My bf has been away in rehab for two weeks and have not heard from him. The counselor has called to give me updates. I have been attending ala-non and have learned alot about myself I was co-dependent and I have work to do on me. I have sent a few inspirational cards to help him through but just wonder if I should just leave it alone. It is hard I feel like he has disappeared but know he is in a good place. I'm focusing on myself and my needs now. The tough thing is i don;t think I want to see him when he gets back and don't know if that selfish or not. Ala-non is great!!!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by dale6667 
The tough thing is i don;t think I want to see him when he gets back and don't know if that selfish or not.
Wanting your own space to work on yourself without the drama attached to an alcoholic (recovering or not) is not selfish - it's self-care.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Amanda, I hear you wanting to be supportive and all that but what I'm not hearing is what do you want out of this. Your wants and needs count too. You have the right to take care of yourself first.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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