littlemutt

Last night I went out with a friend and she mentioned offhand that XABF and I must "really be done" because he had just changed his facebook relationship status late Thursday night. I unfriended him over a week ago as part of cutting off contact and haven't seen him in close to a month now (wow, I thought I'd be more over him after a month??) so really, it was far overdue for him to make the update... but somehow, this still totally got to me. I must have looked like a deer in headlights, I started shaking, and I was on the verge of tears for a good twenty minutes. I guess since I had cut off contact I assumed I wouldn't be hearing about these things... but alas, I guess not all my friends got the memo to cut him off too.

It took everything I had to not compulsively call him and tell him that I missed him. I know that I absolutely do not want to be in a relationship with him and can't move on if I'm still in contact with him, but I just have this knee-jerk reaction to keep people around even when it's no good for either of us. Clearly I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Just thought I'd share with some people who have been there. My friend was completely dumbfounded as to why I was upset since she knew how terrible he was and she didn't realize it would bother me to hear about it. Heck, I didn't realize it would bother me! Sigh... one day at a time, I guess.

fourmaggie

its all normal to feel that you miss him...but my question really is..what do you miss?...

its still early days for your grieving..and that is what you are doing...
maybe ask friend to not TALK about him anymore because you feel its a set back...?

TakingCharge999

I understand 100%

I stopped talking to anyone who knew my ex. I was just too sensitive and I also felt it was not nice of them to keep me updated.

Then I started knowing other people and it felt GREAT to relax.

Hugs, put your boundaries, ask anyone not to comment on him anymore, or get some distance from them for a while. It is not worth the extra pain.

BTW I mourned for months .. it takes different times... you can feel urges, as long as you don't act on them you'll be fine.

I am out now for 3 years and the fog has lifted, the ex keeps drinking, I am focusing on my life nowadays and even when I have bad weeks or bad days its WAY better than mourning XABF.

In fact I feel it was the most difficult time of my life. I feel proud and strong for doing it. I was being mistreated & abandoned constantly. Now I know, no one is going to disrespect me in that way.

You are going to be fine! keep No contact..

Hugs
Tc999

Tuffgirl

Emotional reactions are not necessarily logical and rational reactions - but they happen nonetheless. Good for you for recognizing and refraining from reaching out. Just letting it happen and not having to do something about it.

Took me a long time to realize I can just feel my emotions and do nothing, rather than react to every single one. Now my life is much more calm!

Big hugs to you, hang in there.
~T

Cyranoak

And time to set a boundary with your friend to keep her mouth shut about your ex. It was gossipy and rude for them to share this.

Cyranoak

lillamy

I had the joy of working with a Buddhist when I first started going to Al-Anon, and as Mike will tell you, a lot of the teachings work very well together. When I started talking to my Buddhist friend about what Tuffgirl is talking about regarding feelings, he gave me this metaphor:

Feelings are like people you see when you're sitting at a sidewalk cafe. They pass by. Some of them just pass by quickly before you even really notice them, some of them sit down at your table, and you may enjoy their company or not, and some of them sit at the next table over and stare at you and make you uncomfortable. But in the end, they all walk off, and you walk home without them following you.

I think of that sometimes when I get overwhelmed by a feeling -- that it's just one of those people who has sat down at my table at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, and this one is just not reading my signs that say "You've overstayed your welcome" but in the end, this one, too, will leave.

celticgenes

I SO know how you feel! I was just going to start a thread with a similar take. My XAF's grown son just left my home with the last of his Dad's things. After we settle some property issues, I have no reason to contact the XAF ever again.

It's a good thing, but it makes me incredibly sad. When he's not here being crazy and abusive, it's easy to remember the good things. But if those good things were the bulk of our relationship, we'd still be in one!

I am steeling myself for the inevitable phone/text/email (XAF doesn't use FB) that he has a new woman, and she is just FINE with his drinking. I know it's coming, I just don't know when.

So, I empathize with you. I do have a comment. The "friend" who clued you in to the changed FB status-Why? If you wanted to know what he was doing, you could have asked. I've been victimized by "friends" who just wanted to let me know what my X's were doing. I didn't need the drama, and now I choose my friends carefully.

Just my thoughts. Please take care and love yourself.

littlemutt

Ah, yes, I am slowly learning this too. It's hard when I've always been such a "doer," but yes, I'm finding peace in the moments when I can manage to not react to everything.

She mentioned it in sort of an offhand way and hadn't realized that I had completely cut off contact, so she actually thought I already knew. Still pretty dumb of her to bring it up, and I did then inform her that we're not in contact and I don't want to hear about him. I think she got it now... but I'll certainly be on alert if anything similar happens again. She can't stand the guy and will hopefully unfriend him too (they weren't friends aside from through me, and she reluctantly accepted him a while back when we were still together and he confronted her about it... anyway, I don't think I have to worry going forward.)

RedCandle

Ugh...this exact same thing happened to me.

Looking back, I think he did it to get attention. Unfortunately, it worked....but that was in my life before SR and A LOT of additional personal healing.

My friends did the very same thing. It was intentional. At the time, I was really mad at them.

But in their mind, they knew we needed to be apart for a good while...and I kept going back...and going back...and going back. To them, handing this information over to me was there way of helping me cut the final ties.

I've since explained to them how I feel and how I don't want to hear about what his Facebook life involves. They've agreed. To them...this is just like "any" break-up. To me (to all of us) an alcoholic break up is NEVER like ANY other break up.

I'm still really struggling with my ex...but thanks to a tidal wave of advice and support on here (especially Terminally Unique!) and my recent participation in Al Anon...I'm really holding strong.

We've all been there! It hurts! Keep posting!

mayalewiston

I totally understand what you are feeling, as I'm mentally preparing myself for it as well. I left my AH a couple of weeks ago after revealing "the last straw" in regards to lies... which sent him into a **** storm of drinking, cheating, more lies, etc... Anyhow, even though he is my husband, I know he is looking to replace me asap if I am done enabling him (even though I'm still getting all kind of quacking in regards to change, etc... it's all BS). He has always went right from one relationship to the next, and since he didn't take our marriage vows seriously in any other regard, I'm not expecting him to with this either... I think it is common for A's not to like to be alone? Ugh... let's help each other through this as I know I'm right behind you!

Brae

Blech

I had something very similar happen to me twice with the same friend. After letting things settle as I was considering cutting the relationship short, she apologized and decided being FB friends with him still was a little strange. I was glad that I didnt lose a friendship because of the insanity that surrounds his addiction.
I have had similar experiences with the feelings that come from pretty much any interaction with him. At this point knowing what I know, it is masochistic to have any contact. I will be done when I am done though. I found myself checking out his FB page tonight....sigh. Hoping tomorrow will be different.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Blessings

bailey17

i understand that! i unfriended my xabf, yet a friend of mine proceeded to tell me where/what my ex has been up to that she had seen on FB. i kept cool in front of her, but it made me a total mess! i was mad that he was out having a good time, spending money that he owes me, when i was having trouble coming up with the money to buy our dogs food!! it spiraled me into missing him, wanting him back, what he was doing, all that controlling stuff.
i sent a text message to some of my friends saying, "please dont tell me anything X has been up to that you've seen on facebook, its easier not knowing what he is doing, until i can completely move on"
good for you for resisting the urge to call him. i can't call him, but i resist the urge to log on to his FB, see what he's doing, read any messages. i know if i did that it would only be a giant setback. maybe ask your friends not to tell you what he's up to. if they've gone through any kind of breakup, they should understand. and yes your friend made poor judgment in telling you that stuff, but heck she didn't know. but now she does!
i'm glad we can all support each other. and i'd like to chime in to say yes, my xabf will have a new enabling GF immediately. i know it, but i can't worry about other women, he is not my problem anymore. Remember: PROBLEM! he is no good for me, i deserve someone with a car, bank account, goals, and motivation. not someone who is abusive, manipulative, a liar, and living in a deep dark hole of denial. i have to remind myself daily that he was all of those things, because it is easy to forget. geeze, i was in more denial than he was!
good luck to you, thank you for sharing this, and be strong!

fhl41

I found myself checking my XABFs FB yesterday and I didn't like how I was reacting to some things i saw on there, I was getting irritated, snapping at my daughter, overall not myself, I thought I HAVE to unfriend him but I felt like I didn't want to cut the last tie (so to speak). I finally did it at work at noon yesterday and I felt like a million bricks lifted off my shoulders. I can't move forward if I am constantly looking back.

littlemutt

A's and codies too - I'm guilty of not wanting to be alone! Feel free to PM me if you need an outlet.

I knew I was going to do this if I didn't unfriend him. Though it felt a little confrontational (and he contacted me when he realized we weren't FB friends, though a week after it happened - there's that slow reaction time from the drunkies) it's really, really for the best that I can't see his profile anymore.

itsmylifenow

I've been rocked a few times myself and am quite shocked when something triggers an emotional response from me.

I go along all happy, living my life, doing whatever and then I'll go on a group website and see a pic of his smiling (drunk) face, beer in hand of course, and I think how easy it was for him to move on. I think we really hate to think the other person is now happy and having a great time.

But, if I really think about it...his way of dealing with everything is through drinking. So, if there's pain he just drinks more. The more outrageous he is, the more troubles he's got going on, so it's really not as happy as it appears.

I'm trying to be realistic and tell myself he is going to move on, he's going to find another gf because he can't be alone, and at some point I'm going to run into him and this new person. But, my fear is that even though I am trying to prepare myself for it, I really don't know how I'm going to react until it happens.