Lost him tonight :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: US and Canada
Posts: 15
Lost him tonight :(
My husband died tonight (or perhaps last night - I found out tonight), detoxing (I think) alone at home. I am 1000 miles away and tomorrow (err today - not sleeping too well right now, am I?) I have to begin a long, sad journey to take care of whatever has to be done.
2 days ago when I spoke with him he was not in good shape and I knew it. But, he insisted he would get help if he really needed it and was feeling better anyway. Alcoholics lie a lot - but you all know that.
He buried 2 of his sons because of this disease - and that was eating him alive, even after many years. His father too was an alcoholic. I am not and had no real experience with alcoholism (and drugs - his kids were also on drugs - one killed in a headon collision just before I met my husband, the other a suicide just before we were married) prior to meeting him. I knew he drank, and I knew I felt some effects from that - being neglected at times but I am kind of an independent person so I guess I didn't really notice then how bad it really was .. nor did I appreciate how bad it could get.
I never really 'enabled' him at all - although there were times I wanted to bonk some sense into his head and when I had to leave his presence (like for the past 5 months) to keep my own sanity and health.
I loved him and it did hurt knowing that he was really incapable of loving me fully - can't say it didn't - but while I knew that his first love was his vodka mistress, I do know he wanted to love me, to drop her for me. She was just too strong for him in the end.
Other than by just remaining (with a few ups and downs as a result of maintenance drinking sliding into every closely spaced binges) his 'best friend', there was nothing I could do for him - he had to do it alone. (Although, had I known he was lying the other night, I would have called an ambulance, maybe in time - but it is hard to see through the phone so I didn't know this was the time I should act). I had the police look for him today because I got no answer at home all day (and he always answered the phone when I called), and area hospitals I contacted had no record of his being there. The 2 hours it took for the police to break in and find him, waiting for a call, hoping against hope, were excruciatingly hard.
When he was relatively sober, we got along well and made plans for our future. We are not young. He turned 60 in January, I am 62. But, we still figured we had many years left. It was hard for me at times when I got my 'hopes' up (one cannot help it even when one knows the truth inside) that he would really be a partner for me, that we could really take plans to fruition some day. Oh well ...
Now .. no future for him. There will eventually be one for me I am sure (though no more marriage and no more best friend). First though I have to clean up the mess he left - literally and figuratively. No 'will' was made so this could be challenging and take a long time.
I am, right now, stunned, in disbelief, hurt, angry, sad ... sad ... sad ... and tired. I phoned his one sister who is again another 1000 miles from him in another direction. He has a daughter who, I heard tonight (and this does not surprise me) is probably an alcoholic too, ramping up lately. They were estranged and I was sad for both of them that that was the case but she had shut the door on him so soundly years ago that there really wasn't a way to open it again.
Sorry this is so long (and disjointed - I do hope you will give me a break on that this time.
) This is not quite a first post (though it is under this username). I posted several years ago when I found this site (and sent him to it as well). For the past year or so, I have lurked and read your posts when I needed to - when he had a particularly bad day/night and I needed just to not feel alone. Thank you all for being here, even though I know that why you are here is not a pleasant reason. I pray your outcomes will be much better for all of you.
2 days ago when I spoke with him he was not in good shape and I knew it. But, he insisted he would get help if he really needed it and was feeling better anyway. Alcoholics lie a lot - but you all know that.
He buried 2 of his sons because of this disease - and that was eating him alive, even after many years. His father too was an alcoholic. I am not and had no real experience with alcoholism (and drugs - his kids were also on drugs - one killed in a headon collision just before I met my husband, the other a suicide just before we were married) prior to meeting him. I knew he drank, and I knew I felt some effects from that - being neglected at times but I am kind of an independent person so I guess I didn't really notice then how bad it really was .. nor did I appreciate how bad it could get.
I never really 'enabled' him at all - although there were times I wanted to bonk some sense into his head and when I had to leave his presence (like for the past 5 months) to keep my own sanity and health.
I loved him and it did hurt knowing that he was really incapable of loving me fully - can't say it didn't - but while I knew that his first love was his vodka mistress, I do know he wanted to love me, to drop her for me. She was just too strong for him in the end.
Other than by just remaining (with a few ups and downs as a result of maintenance drinking sliding into every closely spaced binges) his 'best friend', there was nothing I could do for him - he had to do it alone. (Although, had I known he was lying the other night, I would have called an ambulance, maybe in time - but it is hard to see through the phone so I didn't know this was the time I should act). I had the police look for him today because I got no answer at home all day (and he always answered the phone when I called), and area hospitals I contacted had no record of his being there. The 2 hours it took for the police to break in and find him, waiting for a call, hoping against hope, were excruciatingly hard.
When he was relatively sober, we got along well and made plans for our future. We are not young. He turned 60 in January, I am 62. But, we still figured we had many years left. It was hard for me at times when I got my 'hopes' up (one cannot help it even when one knows the truth inside) that he would really be a partner for me, that we could really take plans to fruition some day. Oh well ...
Now .. no future for him. There will eventually be one for me I am sure (though no more marriage and no more best friend). First though I have to clean up the mess he left - literally and figuratively. No 'will' was made so this could be challenging and take a long time.
I am, right now, stunned, in disbelief, hurt, angry, sad ... sad ... sad ... and tired. I phoned his one sister who is again another 1000 miles from him in another direction. He has a daughter who, I heard tonight (and this does not surprise me) is probably an alcoholic too, ramping up lately. They were estranged and I was sad for both of them that that was the case but she had shut the door on him so soundly years ago that there really wasn't a way to open it again.
Sorry this is so long (and disjointed - I do hope you will give me a break on that this time.
) This is not quite a first post (though it is under this username). I posted several years ago when I found this site (and sent him to it as well). For the past year or so, I have lurked and read your posts when I needed to - when he had a particularly bad day/night and I needed just to not feel alone. Thank you all for being here, even though I know that why you are here is not a pleasant reason. I pray your outcomes will be much better for all of you.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Life)) I am so sorry for your loss. It is very difficult loving someone with alcoholism. It is hard to lose someone to the disease. Your post is not too long. It is just right. You needed to share this painful time with people who understand and care. Just because our loved ones are alcoholic doesn't mean they are loved any less. You need all the support and comfort you can get right now. Do you have friends, family, or a face-to-face support system that you can lean on? Don't be afraid to ask for the help you will need in this time. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You can also PM me any time. I have several friends who have been through this and can put you in touch with them if you need any guidance. Take care. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I'm really sorry for your loss. I know how painful this can be. I lost my XABF from alcohol liver disease. He also died alone and was found by a friend two days later. He said he had stopped drinking, but I knew he hadn't. There are so many emotions that come up after this kind of a death that are unique that it took me by surprise. I was angry because I knew it could have been prevented, and also very sad that he had endured this horrible disease for so long.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: US and Canada
Posts: 15
Thank you for your support and Hugs. I appreciate your offer, Magic ... will see in a week or so what is in store for me and may PM you then if I need help. My heart goes out to your friends - and to everyone here who is dealing with the 'walking dead' and the dead loved ones in their lives. Horrid, horrid disease.
I went to bed but could not sleep yet. I need to sleep. Driving that far without sleep is not a good idea ... will have to take it easy tomorrow and I will probably not get there till Monday if I do. So much to do - I was not ready for this. I told him to hang in there - I would be back next weekend and would take him to get the help he needed. My timing was off a bit .. so close and yet so far. I do feel a bit of guilt (though logically I know I should not and I will not let it eat me alive) because I could have been there and wasn't ... or could have called an ambulance before last night and he might still be alive - for this time. The rest would have been up to him and God though. Always is.
I left our house down south months ago now to help my father (95) through a few crises he had before Christmas. I stayed up north because it was winter and there was always some small thing to take care of here. But, also because I wanted to give him time alone with the hope that perhaps he would find the courage and strength to fight for himself and life. Sadly, he couldn't. We weren't really 'separated' although I was gone for quite some time (reverse snowbird here). We talked almost daily on the phone and while I did ask him how we might split up things IF he was not able to fight this (he never really got around to answering ... 'strangely' enough (not) - he was the world's best procrastinator, especially with his mistress vodka at his side to prod him on to .. inaction), I think that was what I had to do - stay away, leave for at least a while. I listened well to what I heard here - and it is good advice. The 'right thing' I did however, in the end, made it harder for me to judge when I should be back there to be the angel who could still pick up a phone when he was such a mess - to allow him one more chance to figure out how he would beat it - something he did talk about doing a lot but never could commit to unfortunately.
I refuse to blame myself on that one - I could not 'know' - but, it makes me sad that I didn't listen to my intuition and just go back a couple of weeks ago (when I also told him I would - he persuaded me not to come because I had some engagements I had scheduled here so I delayed it in the end). Sigh .. I know things are what they will be - nothing can be done about it now. And I will survive and go on.
But, it is so sad, so seemingly senseless. I miss his voice already - not the slurred speech one, but, the semi-sober one .. the one I laughed to so many times. It will take a while for all this to be 'real' I am sure. I am a 'widow' now .. what an awful thought. But, I will be ok in time .. I will. That is my tribute to him and to life. He did want that for me.
Too much .. too long .. sorry .. his life .. too short. Mine, less full of smiles for a while.
I went to bed but could not sleep yet. I need to sleep. Driving that far without sleep is not a good idea ... will have to take it easy tomorrow and I will probably not get there till Monday if I do. So much to do - I was not ready for this. I told him to hang in there - I would be back next weekend and would take him to get the help he needed. My timing was off a bit
.. so close and yet so far. I do feel a bit of guilt (though logically I know I should not and I will not let it eat me alive) because I could have been there and wasn't ... or could have called an ambulance before last night and he might still be alive - for this time. The rest would have been up to him and God though. Always is. I left our house down south months ago now to help my father (95) through a few crises he had before Christmas. I stayed up north because it was winter and there was always some small thing to take care of here. But, also because I wanted to give him time alone with the hope that perhaps he would find the courage and strength to fight for himself and life. Sadly, he couldn't. We weren't really 'separated' although I was gone for quite some time (reverse snowbird here). We talked almost daily on the phone and while I did ask him how we might split up things IF he was not able to fight this (he never really got around to answering ... 'strangely' enough (not) - he was the world's best procrastinator, especially with his mistress vodka at his side to prod him on to .. inaction), I think that was what I had to do - stay away, leave for at least a while. I listened well to what I heard here - and it is good advice. The 'right thing' I did however, in the end, made it harder for me to judge when I should be back there to be the angel who could still pick up a phone when he was such a mess - to allow him one more chance to figure out how he would beat it - something he did talk about doing a lot but never could commit to unfortunately.
I refuse to blame myself on that one - I could not 'know' - but, it makes me sad that I didn't listen to my intuition and just go back a couple of weeks ago (when I also told him I would - he persuaded me not to come because I had some engagements I had scheduled here so I delayed it in the end). Sigh .. I know things are what they will be - nothing can be done about it now. And I will survive and go on.
But, it is so sad, so seemingly senseless. I miss his voice already - not the slurred speech one, but, the semi-sober one .. the one I laughed to so many times. It will take a while for all this to be 'real' I am sure. I am a 'widow' now .. what an awful thought. But, I will be ok in time .. I will. That is my tribute to him and to life. He did want that for me.
Too much .. too long .. sorry .. his life .. too short. Mine, less full of smiles for a while.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I have taken Benadril as a sleep aid (the ingredient in OTC sleep aids). Some people dislike taking any drugs, but if you need to sleep, it may help. If the insomnia continues, see a doctor. This kind of stress can cause insomnia, and lack of sleep can cause more stress.
Another sleep trick I have used is to take each obsessive thought that I have, visualize putting it in a box and giving the box to God. I do that until I eventually let God take all the worries I have and take care of them for me as I sleep. This has worked for me in the past sometimes. I don't know if it would work for such a tramatic situation, but it may be worth a try. Hugs, and take care. Magic
Another sleep trick I have used is to take each obsessive thought that I have, visualize putting it in a box and giving the box to God. I do that until I eventually let God take all the worries I have and take care of them for me as I sleep. This has worked for me in the past sometimes. I don't know if it would work for such a tramatic situation, but it may be worth a try. Hugs, and take care. Magic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: US and Canada
Posts: 15
Still up. No benedryl in the house. I am one of those who hates meds of any kind - though I do have to take a couple, for my hypothyroidism. <--- is not going to make this any easier either - fatigue is a side effect. But, I will be ok in a few days I am sure ... just will be a hard trip and I will have to be extra careful on the road.
Will try your other trick. Was talking to God a while back - still waiting for his answers but again, I am sure they will come in time.
Thanks all again. I will no doubt be back posting in a few days. Take care of yourselves.
Will try your other trick. Was talking to God a while back - still waiting for his answers but again, I am sure they will come in time.
Thanks all again. I will no doubt be back posting in a few days. Take care of yourselves.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so very sorry, my heart and prayers go out for you and all who loved him.
It breaks my heart every time I hear that another loved one has lost the battle, each one is special and loved by someone who just cannot do anything except watch.
Please know we are here as you go through the difficult days ahead, you can vent here or share here and know you are understood, and hopefully can find some small comfort in knowing we care.
Hugs
It breaks my heart every time I hear that another loved one has lost the battle, each one is special and loved by someone who just cannot do anything except watch.
Please know we are here as you go through the difficult days ahead, you can vent here or share here and know you are understood, and hopefully can find some small comfort in knowing we care.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
May he be at peace now. May you also find acceptance and peace.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease. There is nothing you could do. We are powerless over alcoholism.
I hope you will reach out to the people in your life and ask for whatever you need in the coming months. They will want to help you. Don't be alone with this. You will need love around you.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease. There is nothing you could do. We are powerless over alcoholism.
I hope you will reach out to the people in your life and ask for whatever you need in the coming months. They will want to help you. Don't be alone with this. You will need love around you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 58
*Sending a giant hug* just imagine in your head all the SR members of this website putting our arms around you.
I'm so sorry, and I can hear the pain in your post. We are all here for you. xoxox
Olivia
I'm so sorry, and I can hear the pain in your post. We are all here for you. xoxox
Olivia
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