AbsentFriend

I've spent my whole life trying to prove to myself and to everyone else that I fear nothing, and that nothing can hurt me. I've run marathons, moved to an unfamiliar town alone, and walked into the middle of a domestic fight wielding a can of mace. (I didn't say I was smart about it...)

Today for the first time ever, a friend who doesn't even know my story made an observation based on some of my responses to everyday life in general: "I know you're afraid."

It came from empathy - he knew there was something I haven't moved on from yet.

It felt like a punch deep in my gut, and a warm light embracing me all at once.

To be seen that way was both terrifying, and a release from the exhausting job of constantly hiding inside myself.

I haven't been to an ACoA meeting in about a year. I'm going back Monday.

Kialua

Hi. Welcome back. It seems like you have had quite a breakthrough with your release from your bravado. I hope you find good meeting.

AbsentFriend

Thank you, Kialua.

I am hopeful for this meeting as it is new to the area, and they are actually WORKING the steps (and still on #1) - not just sitting around venting like the only other one in town.

I just browsed through your blog posts - very insightful and well-written

Kialua

Thanks it's been very healing to finally write down some of it, whether my family sees it or not. I used to think it was important for them to see it and fall down weeping, apologizing and ta da happy ending. ha ha. I know that is not going to happen and I'm ok with it.

I found reading through the blogs and old posts really helped me. I haven't really worked the steps myself, that is really hard. We had some other posters here recently work through the first couple steps and had a lot of success.