Bad Day

Old 03-22-2012, 07:29 PM
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Bad Day

I spiral out of control. I can go from happy to sad in an instant. I've been acting happy for the world for so long I think I've forgotten how to show what I really feel. Today a guy I care about hurt me and the first thing I thought about my dad. I thought no one will ever love me. It hurt so bad untill I thought to myself, "am I hurt from the guy or my dad". It felt like pain from years ago was being felt. I know that I need to deal with this pain but it hurts so bad I'm afraid I can't take it...and my friends don't understand. I know that I will have to be happy bubbely Taylor as soon as I leave my dorm room...I thought I let go of the pain my dad caused. I made my self forget and today I was reminded of my past. I want to deal with all this pain that i thought I let go of, but I honestly don't know where to start. I'm scared of what I feel and I'm scared facing the scariest thing on earth to me, my dad.
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:13 PM
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Welcome. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are young and have a lot to learn about ACA. You probably know a lot but there is always more. I have a daughter in college and I am still learning how to cope better all the time. We can't get rid of the triggers and memories but we can learn how to control the anger and the response. But it will not always be perfect.
Just the fact that you are reading here will be a big help. Read over the stickies, I tell everyone that, but they are pretty good and will help you decide what direction to start.

I was scared of my alcoholic Dad too, he beat me till I was 18 and left home. He drank till he was 80 so we never really had a good relationship though I did forgive him, for me.

It's your turn to learn who you are and become the person you are meant to be. You can do it. We are here if you need us.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:24 AM
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((((Taylor))))

I can relate to that putting on the bubbly face. In my case, I abhor the thought of being like my mother who complained endlessly. I still struggle with the question of how much is it okay to let people know when I'm hurting, struggling, and stressed? When do I cross the line into being an endless downer and whiner and pulling down everyone around me? I see value in being cheerful so as not to drag others down. But there has to be a balance in letting others help us along sometimes.

I would strongly suggest looking into al-anon meetings. I found a lot of help there and am thinking of going back.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:34 AM
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Hey im new to this.

but im centainly not new to putting on a bubbly face, infact wen i just feel like crying for no reason wat so ever. my mother is an alcoholic and everyday i face her problem with drinking at home. but as soon as i step out my front door, i leave the dirt at the door and put the bubbly cheerful face on.. is this normal??
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:13 AM
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Taylor and Cheryl, I'm new to this, too. But I want to tell you that, yes, it's normal for adult children of alcoholics to feel that way. Here is some information I'm reprinting from one of the "stickies" that helped me understand.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:59 AM
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Hi cherylxxx2 and LuvMySis! We all struggle with what is normal and have decided there is no normal, at least for us. The list of character traits you posted is the perfect place to start to understand and deal with this. Like EveningRose said there is a balance to find.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:37 AM
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Hi there, and welcome.

I just wanted to let you know that I can fully identify with feelings similar to what you're describing when it comes to relationships.

When an argument is bad enough between myself and someone I'm in a relationship with, I actually start to have a panic attack. I go back to feeling like a small, lost child who is looking for a grown up.

Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's really disconcerting, and it makes it extremely difficult for me to put on my "normal" face and go about my life.
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Old 03-23-2012, 01:10 PM
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Luvmysis..

What you just posted is exactly wat i do, describes me to a tee! And plath wen i argue with my bf, i feel like a child too.. Lik really cry like im 6 years old again... Why is this?
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Old 03-23-2012, 02:41 PM
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For me, I have really deep-rooted abandonment issues for a plethora of reasons.

One memory I can vaguely recall is from when I was about two years old (maybe?) and I had a really crappy babysitter who drove me to the mall with her friend and made me stay in the car while they went into the mall. I think I actually got out of the car and got lost in the mall, and that's how I feel when my abandonment issues get triggered, or "recalled". Like a lost child trying to find a grown up.

Besides that vague memory, my dad and other male role models who I adored as a child really let me down and abandoned me either physically or emotionally, so it's a real "trigger" for me. In other words, it brings me back to that state of mind where the feelings originated from.

It's common with most ACAs to have abandonment issues, and to feel as though, at all costs, a relationship MUST NOT END. Even if it's a relationship that is toxic or unhealthy. It's as though, for many of us, the thought of being alone is by far worse than the thought of being with someone who treats us how we're used to being treated--abandoned, let down, disappointed, disrespected, etc.

I'm sorry I can't describe it better right now, but that's part of the equation for me, anyway.

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Old 03-24-2012, 09:16 AM
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Thank you everyone so much for you kind words. This forum in its self is a big step for me. Kiaulu I wanted to ask you, what are stickies? and my dad never beat me. It was a mental game for me. Im more scared of the things he will say. Evening Rose and Cheryll I have been putting on this big front since I was in middle school and it helps to know Im not the only one. I remember being in school and my best friend crying. I was very suicidal as a teenager and I would write her notes telling her these things. I was in school one day and I wrote her a note saying I didn't think I can handle it anymore. She saw me in the hallway putting on a front, "laughing and chatting with friends" and she busted into tears. She knew how hard it was for me to smile while feeling such pain.
Luvmysis! I can relate with almost everything on that list. What does it mean?
PLath I can totally relate. After my first relationship ended in highschool I had a nervous break down. I started to panic. I begged him not to leave me and he stayed. Probably out of pity but it always has been like that. I''ve also had a mean streak of cheating. I getting so excited by others attention. Its like a drug when someone says they care. Usually I isolate myself from all when Im in a relationship because I don't want to make those mistakes. I do not want to be like that though. I act like a child too when I argue! I will through fits and stomp around untill I get my way and I feel like a idioit i know its not right but I dont know anyother way. When I get too happy or too excited, mad or sad I get this anxiety.
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:37 AM
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I know what you mean about it being a "mental game". I was never beaten either, but my mom was extremely cruel with her words. The incessant belittling, berating, out of the blue freak outs over petty things, telling me how stupid I was, etc., was so damaging.

I find that I am constantly either cringing, waiting for someone to criticize me, or on the aggressive defense, waiting for someone to disapprove of me.

You are so not alone here. I act like the effing Queen of Hearts from Alice In Wonderland when things aren't going my way in my personal relationships. Or I go the opposite direction and feel hopeless, depressed, and full of panic.

I recently started seeing a psychotherapist for these issues, and I'm hoping that in addition to posting on here, I may slowly begin to find solutions (and actually make them an active part of my life) for these painful issues.

Thanks again for sharing. I've been mulling over my abandonment issues for the past few days, since my last therapy appointment, as I feel that it's a core part of my anxiety...so I'm thankful for the opportunity to share about this stuff.

And yeah, when I was in high school I had a boyfriend who was physically abusive, cheated on me, and was an overall nightmare. But I stayed with him for two years (that's a long time when you're in high school!) and would totally lose it if I thought he was going to leave. The relationship only ended when I found someone else to be in a relationship with. I still find myself dealing with the emotional wreckage of that relationship, and a few others that followed.

I'm really glad you found this forum, and thanks again for sharing your experience.

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Old 03-24-2012, 10:30 AM
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The stickies are the post at the very top of the page that never go away. They are made permanent because they are most often referred to for discussions. They are labeled with the word Sticky like this first one:

Sticky Thread Sticky: Resources for ACoA's

Relating to the list of characteristics means you are one of us! Congratulations But seriously it can be a good first step in your healing when you can identify causes and address them.
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Old 03-24-2012, 02:50 PM
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STAYLOR98 and PLATH

i really cant believe that use are actualy describing exactly how i feel with abondmrnt issues and how use act when things arnt going your way. I thought this was just the way i acted coz i was spoilt as a child lol i would have never ever put it down to my mothers addiction ... But im starting to see it so clearly now. Im actualy sitting here in amusement now
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:36 PM
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cherylxxx2 isn't great when the light goes on? And we start understanding and relating to others here? Keep reading, and even old posts. You may find more stories that click with you.
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