5yearItch

A big hello, and a bigger thank you to the people in this forum. I lurked for a while, but sort of forgot about it, now I'm back, this time I'm taking the plunge.

I'm 31, been with my common law wife (the source of all this BS) for almost 5 years. She has a child from another relationship, and we have one together. Almost right from the word go, whenever we were together (outside of work, where we met) there was alcohol involved. It would just involve us drinking and hanging out, talking all night or some such crap. It wasn't until we moved in together, about 6-8 months after we started dating that I'd notice things. I'd talk to her on my breaks from work every day, and one time I thought she sounded like she'd been drinking, and I commented on it, but she of course didn't admit to anything.

Fast forward about 5-6 months, we moved into a larger house. It was around this time that I found the first hidden bottle. I was pissed off, I took it out of the cupboard, slammed it on the table and asked her what it was about. Like everyone else here (which THANK GOD its not just me lol) I got the same tired BS that goes with the territory. Only at that time, like an idiot, I believed what she had to say. I honestly don't remember the next time I found a bottle, but it wasn't long after. It must've been at that point that my balls fell off, as I've had a hard time bringing it up since.

So in the 4 years since then, we've talked about it a few times, each time I tell her how I feel about it, and it never gets me anywhere. As I mentioned we have a child together. She did NOT stop drinking while she was pregnant, we talked about things several times during the pregnancy, **** never changed. But dealing with whatever effects the alcohol had on my daughter is up to me to deal with down the road.

I feel like I'm eventually going to take one of her many hidden bottles and introduce it to her face. I HATE the blank drunken look I get, I HATE the vodka breath (I laugh when I hear people say vodka has no smell), I HATE being pleasantly surprised by a day of sobriety. Why in the blue hell should it be like a treat for me to come home to the REAL person I wanted to be with. Instead, I EXPECT to come home to a fight or her on the verge of passing out or some vodka-related ******** thats part of daily life now.

I could literally go on and on about how ****** my life has been since I got together with her. But godammit I still love her, I'm still with her so it can't be THAT bad right?

I will leave this relationship one day, as I don't believe she'll ever quit it, but when? How? What about the kids?

Anyway, thats enough out of me today, thanks for listening.

PS - I don't know if there's a better forum, please move if there is. Thanks.

ODAT63

Sorry about your pain, we all have been there one way or another, keep reading this site, there are years of recovery experience here that you can use.
Just Know that you are NOT alone, and your children need at least one sane parent. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of your children, in regards to your AW, she has her own program to work, it is not up to you to fix her.

Cyranoak

the life you have now is the life I had for many years, step child included. our daughter is now 16 and ****** up beyond belief. I tell you this:

IMHO they are way, way, way better off with the marriage ending (especially if you can get custody) than with the marriage continuing. The havoc and damage your wife (and you by staying in it) are causing is incalculable.

I say that because I stayed, I made the damage worse and I made it last longer by doing it. I wish I could undo it. I can't. But I did finally make the change. It was too little too late for our daughter.

Cyranoak

OhBoy

I know exactly what you mean with the vodka breath. They think they're sooo sneaky & tricky! I try to let it go when I realize that this thought pattern isn't doing ME any good. I think most of the time my AW is just trying to fool herself, like if it's sneaked, it doesn't really count. And that Vodka stare, head swaying slightly while she tries to keep it together enough to not have the stare. Not exactly gazing lovingly into each others eyes. Love has a hard time getting through the vodka. I try to find something better to do than let the stare "stare me in the face" & get me worked up. I've come to realize though that she is trying to do the best she can, she has a horrible disease & it's got it's hooks in her real bad. It isn't easy. Isn't easy for either of us. I often don't know how to handle the surprise sober moments, like you I expect the almost/ already passed out AW. For me it's kind of a relief when I come home & she's passed out. I can find my serenity easier when shes out. I used to get more & more pissed every time I would look over & see her passed out but I realized that I ain't gonna change s***! She's gonna be passed out if I'm pissed or not! So to h*** with it! I'm gonna be as content as I can be in that situation. Now I even find myself happy at times, big step for me! Dealing with this disease is very difficult. You should know you're not alone. Many things you have said have come from my own mouth as well. Alanon has helped me get over some things, I give a recommendation to anyone affected by this disease.

brownhorse

Good luck to you and I have been there. Loving someone so much that treats you terrible! All you want is a little of what you give. I have left. It took lots of strength because he is fighting it still with "He has changed" and "I am what is best for him". I realized through al-anon and therapy, this is all about what is best for him, not me. Last, No matter how hard it is, every day I lived with an active alcoholic is one more day I have not done what is best for my kids. That is my situation. The best thing now, I go home alone, but I know exactly what I am going to get. Feel better!

5yearItch

Thank you everyone for you support, it means a lot. MY support system in the real world is almost non-existent, but its partially my fault because I don't like talking about this. Her dad approached me 2 years ago and asked me what was going on, so I told him. Also have talked to my parents, shortly after she ruined christmas that year. But I'm in need of an impartial system because otherwise things will get worse. I have been giving some serious thought to "joining" al-anon, mostly because I suspect most people there would be just as amazing as the rest of you.

There are some things I have figured out at this point. I have learned that no matter what I do or say, I'm not going to make this go away. I also know I'm not the reason this started, in fact when I spoke with her dad, he said he used to find mickeys around the house. She must be a big girl now, because she's graduated to 40's. Bitterness aside, I know there are certainties that I can count on. She'll do this whether I'm in her life or not. But I'm also not willing to expose my kids to the full brunt of this insanity. I don't know what it would take to get custody, I have several dozen pictures and videos documenting the hiding, the passed-outness, reciepts and all sorts of crazy ****. I did that solely because I thought if I ever needed proof of the problem, I've got it.

I used to obsess over hunting for empties, but I'm aware of most of if not all the hiding spots, and I'm way less worried about that lately, then I am about finding my own serenity.

One more thing. To OhBoy, thank you for identifying with my own thoughts. Its funny how the knowledge that someone else is going through this (even tho its something that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy) makes it easier.

I will definitely be here more often, thank you all so much for making me feel more human!

nodaybut2day

My concern in this matter: the children. Does she care for them while drunk? Does she drive with them while drunk? Since you have documented proof that she has an alcohol consumption problem, I would heartily recommend consulting a few lawyers to discuss the chances of obtaining custody + supervised visitation.

SoaringSpirits

This poignant statement brought me to tears. It is so true.

Welcome to SR. It has been my lifeline through a tough period of my life as I separated from my 'functioning' alcoholic husband of 16 years in May 2011. I hope you can find the direction you need to move ahead with a meaningful life for you and your children.

5yearItch

Hi there, thank you for your concern. She works from home, I don't. As far as I know, she does not drive with them when she's been drinking. If she has anywhere to go during the day, its usually done before the bottle opens. Based on the research I've done about this so-called "disease", she is what you would call a functional alcoholic. All that "functionality" goes out the window when I'm home, because I'm there to pick up the slack.

As far as legalities go, I've kept that idea in the back of my mind for a while now. At this point, even though I feel like an idiot for being a part of this for so long, I'm not ready to kill the mouse with a bazooka lol. I honestly want my REAL wife back, but I'm also not so deluded to know that may not ever happen. All I can say is I better have some good goddamn karma lined up lol.

OhBoy

That's great you're thinking about alanon, it helped me a lot with keeping my way of thinking from going to a dark, confusing, crazy place. Kept my mind in check. Also to see people face to face who went through what I am going through is a great comfort.

It is a possibility to get your wife back, I got my father back. He was recovered for 30 years before he passed & was a bad A before he quit. I can't tell you she'll do it because everyone is different. It is a horrible disease that leaves all involved feeling hopeless. I'm not sure I'll get my wife back, but I'll keep a glimmer of hope until I deem it hopeless. Right now I'm workin on me as that's all I can do.

Cyranoak

We hear that statement a lot, or the correlary, "the wonderful person inside them," "best person every when they aren't drinking," and more. It's all BS.

They are who they are and demonstrate that regularly.

The woman you live with now is your real wife. Period. Wishes and hoping, as warm as fuzzy as they can be, are nothing but noise listened to through rose colored glasses by somebody named Pollyanna.

Cyranoak

5yearItch

Thanks Cyranoak, for the b!tch-slap of reality lol. I know that regardless of her decisions and actions and whatever substance might be influencing said decisions, she's the same person. Who she is as a person is the reason I'm with her. My dad used to tell me "sh!t in one hand, wish in the other and see which fills up first", so I try not to "wish" for things that at this point are simply a pipe dream.

But yesterday I actually came home to my stone sober AW getting ready for our date night. I expected the worst because we went to a comedy show (if you have a chance to see jeff dunham live, I would highly reccomend it!) that was paid for by my company, and its the first time she's come out to a company function and had to meet my co-workers. So she was super nervous the whole day about meeting new people, so I was expecting to come home to her totally bombed, and having to make up yet another BS excuse to cover for it. Long story short, she had 2 drinks the whole night, we had a blast.

The worst part? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I get home today, last night will be a fond but distant memory as she gets re-acquainted with mr. cohol (first name Al).

5yearItch

Thanks Cyranoak, for the b!tch-slap of reality lol. I know that regardless of her decisions and actions and whatever substance might be influencing said decisions, she's the same person. Who she is as a person is the reason I'm with her. My dad used to tell me "sh!t in one hand, wish in the other and see which fills up first", so I try not to "wish" for things that at this point are simply a pipe dream.

But yesterday I actually came home to my stone sober AW getting ready for our date night. I expected the worst because we went to a comedy show (if you have a chance to see jeff dunham live, I would highly reccomend it!) that was paid for by my company, and its the first time she's come out to a company function and had to meet my co-workers. So she was super nervous the whole day about meeting new people, so I was expecting to come home to her totally bombed, and having to make up yet another BS excuse to cover for it. Long story short, she had 2 drinks the whole night, we had a blast.

The worst part? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I get home today, last night will be a fond but distant memory as she gets re-acquainted with mr. cohol (first name Al).