lambdachi

The title says it all. I want to stop drinking so badly. I know in my heart of hearts that I am addicted to alcohol and that I use it as a crutch. I struggle with severe depression as well and alcohol has become the only thing I seem to derive any pleasure or relief from. It's the only way I can sleep. It's the only way I can eat. It's the only way I can talk to people. It's the only way I can show emotion. In a way, it seems to be the only thing that can make me "human". What's so frustrating to me is that I KNOW and acknowledge that alcohol is crushing my life but at the same time, I just CANNOT bring myself to walk away. But I have to. I absolutely must. I find myself at a crossroads. I am still a young guy at 25, but I truly feel it is "do or die" time for me. Literally. I can't keep living like this. If I can't beat this addiction now, I never will. It will consume and kill me. I literally fear for my life. What I want to know is this: How do I start putting the dirt back into this hole I have dug my life into? What is the first step to beating this? I want to give my family the gift of ME. If anyone out there can offer me any advice on how to start the road to recovery or share an personal stories that would be great. I admire each and every one of you who have beaten an addiction. You are stronger than people give you credit for. I hope to join you in sobriety one day. Thanks!

twolivestouched

Welcome and you have made the first step, you have asked for help and admited that there is a problem. You will get so many great stories and so much good advice here. Be open to the help that is here and use the site to get you through the hard times. You are an amazing person and your family is ready to have 'you' back!

Sapling

Welcome lambdachi...I was in the same boat...I just drank a lot longer than you did...I also suffered from bad depression...I had to quit for good to find out alcohol was the cause of it...And every other problem life handed me.....I was beat...I couldn't live like that anymore...I walked into an AA meeting...Met people just like me that had stopped drinking and I did what they did...It worked. That's the only experience I can offer on quitting for good and getting my life back.

andisa

Hi Lambdachi,
Addiction is a struggle. We want so badly to be free of it, and yet, we don't think we can live, at least not happily, without our drug of choice.

I'm in the midst of a struggle myself, such is why I've returned to this site, for help. It's an amazing resource full of support and really generous-minded thoughtful people. Use what it offers. In doing so, perhaps others can learn from you as well.

I pass along to you something that was just written to me today, from GrowingDaily (hope it's OK to use your quote here GD, they're good words.)

"The pleasure (of using) is likewise an illusion - just a brief respite from the pain which is directly caused by the alcohol!

I don't think it would be possible for me to quit anything if I remained under the belief it was enjoyable. I had to see things for what they really were."

You see Lambdachi, how critical perspective is. See your alcohol use for what it is. That's a necessary first step. Best to you on your journey forward.

HelloWorld82

Welcome lambdachi!
I am VERY new to recovery, but I do know that you have made a HUGE step by reaching out for help and support! This is a great place! I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression my whole life. I have been treated by a psychiatrist for 7 years. I have abused alcohol for 4 years. I am 30 years old. I contribute a lot of my dependence of alcohol on my "self-pity" I too would drink myself to sleep at night... Almost every night... I used a glass of wine (which turned into a bottle) as a reward at the end of the day, when infact it was a "PUNISHMENT" Today I feel strong, I feel new, I am PROUD of myself! I am on a mission to take back all of the self worth that I feel alcohol took from me! Good luck with your journey!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I felt very much like you do and I can understand the pain you are feeling.

What I know is, that it's overwhelming to try to think of fixing everything that has gone wrong in your life right away. I had to learn patience and I had to move ahead slowly and steadily. Set realistic goals for yourself each day and accomplish them. You will get to where you want to be and you will feel better.

I also found that I needed to make a lot of changes in my life. Some people in my life had to go, they were toxic. I started exercising more right from the start. I did things that gave me joy whenever I could. Be kind to yourself, stay focused on your sobriety.

Zebra1275

It sounds like you have completed step 1 of AA, admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. I would suggest that you go to an AA meeting, that's what finally worked for me after years of trying to do it by myself.

If you are fortunate to live in a college town, you can probably find a "young person's AA meeting" made up of people around your age. I know of people who have gone to AA meetings who are not enough old enough to legally drink in their state.

25 is a good age to quit. At 25 I knew that my drinking behavior was different than other people, but it took me another couple of decades to do much about it.

2granddaughters

AA works for me as well. Best of luck to you lambdachi !!

Bob R

strawberrygirl

Welcome. I'm doing battle with chronic depression which preceded my alcoholism myself. Still in the early days of sobriety but I can tell you the battle is MUCH easier and the rewards much greater now that I'm off the sauce. Lots of good support here for you. I hope you stay strong.

Dee74

Welcome to SR lambdachi
It'll whisper in your ear and tell you 'you're nothing without me'...but it's simply not true.

I found myself again when I got into recovery and the only thing I lost was misery - you just have to have faith to take that first leap lambdachi

You'll find a lot of support & ideas here
Have you seen a Dr about your severe depression at all?

D

DowntownNYC

I'm in your same boat, except slightly older. I've made it four days. I'm hoping to make it five.

Hevyn

Welcome Lambdachi and DowntownNYC - it's wonderful to have you here. You're no longer alone.

I was convinced I'd be nothing without my friend & companion alcohol. I was twice your age when I realized it had stolen my life and brought me to my knees. I spent decades trying to manage or control my drinking, with disastrous results. I wish I'd done what you two are doing now. Proud of you for seeing the light. You can do this - we're here to help.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

I see people say this on here sometimes, but I haven't had the chance to say it myself yet: I could have written your post one year ago. Right down to the details: 25, major depression, know it's a problem. I got sober 4/12/11, a month before my 26th bday.

I know it sounds strange, but really there's no difference between you and me. If I had a few drinks I'd be right back there with you. I haven't done anything miraculous to stay sober for 11 months, I just took it one day at a time, worked my recovery plan, tried to help others along the way and before I knew it, here I am almost a year sober when I couldn't go a week without a drink from pretty much 17 years old.

I'm glad you're here! You can join us in the sobriety whenever you want, the water's fine.

I hope to hear more from you and thanks for sharing,

jobei

Amen sister! Key part of inventory for me.

lambdachi

Thank you each and every one of you. I can't quite put into words the gratitude that I am feeling right now. Moments of encouragement and praise are few and far between in my life and it feels amazing to have the support of others who can actually relate to my struggle because they have been through it themselves. None of you are just standing on the outside looking in. Each of you fought immeasurably hard to get where you are and I want to be there too. From the deepest part of my heart I want to be sober and happy again. I want to know myself and be proud of who and what I am. Tomorrow I am making a call to my doctor to be seen about the crippling bouts of depression and inability to eat or sleep. Something I have refused to do for the last 5 years out of shame, pride, and self hate. I also think I am going to join a gym. I have heard that regular exercise can do remarkable things for both your body and mind. All of your words have made me feel a small spark of empowerment and a sense of hope at a better, healthier, and happier existence. This has been Day 1 of sobriety. I don't know if I will be able to do this, but I either will or will die trying. I'll see you all on Day 2. God bless.

artsoul

Welcome lambdachi!

It's good to have you on this journey with us! Reaching out for help is the way to get/stay sober...... it takes courage to do that. I remember feeling so alone and afraid - pretty hopeless, really - when I first came here.

I'm so proud of you for making an appointment with your doctor! There really are ways of getting help for the depression and insomnia - I had to do that, too, when I got sober. Things are going to get better........:ghug3

Sparkydog

Welcome to your new life, it only gets better from here and believe it or not it gets easier as you go, just put some time between yourself and the poison and you will see, and you will be amazed.

yo466

lam-

Hey, I haven't been on here for a while, but I saw your post and figured I'd throw my two cents in. Congrats on trying to quit while you're only 25 if you keep drinking things will only go downhill. I have 18 months sober right now and I can say that it was very scary to quit, my whole world was built around alcohol. It takes a ton of time and effort but if you try and work at it, you will see slow improvement. I was pretty much at the bottom when I almost killed myself after a long bender and it still took me a year of stops and starts to finally quit.

When I finally quit, I was broke, just lost my own small business, had to move back in with my parents and at 35 basically had no prospects or future, or so I thought. I just got up every day and said I'm not going to drink, whatever else happens, happens. I had become such a control freak, and controlled by alcohol that it was very freeing to let go and just start over. Suddenly I realized, hey I can drive here to this place because I'm not wasted, or I can do this certain activity because I'm not wasted or I can do better at work because I'm not hungover. I think you get the point.

When I was at my worst my anxiety and just general fear of the world took over. After my close to suicide attempt, I quit for a couple of months and then went back to drinking. My typical day was barely get out of bed, be anxious and paranoid at work, get home have a couple of beers and go to sleep at about 7PM. Then on the weekends I would get totally smashed and repeat the same thing the next week. I was a robot, my personality had totally changed to the point I felt like I did not exist, that went on for 2 years and then finally one day I just quit.

It was very difficult, at first but I just focused on small victories until they started to pile up a little. Now fast forward 18 months and I got two promotions at work and am managing the location I work at. My debts are paid off. I started dating again. I reconnected with some old friends. I have a whole different life. I feel better than I did when I was 18 and I'm twice as old now. I've been so busy that I forgot that i had 18 months sober on March 14th.

I didn't mean to ramble but just know that there are other people out there like you and that you can beat this and things will get better, if I can do it so can you. Good luck to you.

awuh1

Depression is a common path many of us take into habitual alcohol intake and eventual alcoholism. The depression feels so absolutely awful that the only thing that seems to help is alcohol. At first it does help. The unbearable mood is briefly better, at least for a while. Then later only the first few drinks seem to help. Eventually nothing can quite get us out of the pit.... no matter how much is consumed.

There are some depressions that are brought on by physical causes alone. Other depressions begin with some very unpleasant life circumstances. However, nearly always, after a depression gains momentum (many weeks or months in), there is a physical component to it. In fact the circumstances that sometime start an episode of depression are often long gone by the time the suffering individual seeks treatment. There is no shame in depression, regardless of its cause.

The question of the relation between depression and alcoholism is sometimes one of which came first, the chicken or the egg. For some, depression goes away when they stop drinking. But for others (like one of the two founders of AA), it does not. Severe depression cannot really be understood by those who have not suffered it. Programs for alcoholism are sometimes, but not always sufficient to eliminate depression. A mental health professional should be consulted.

Remember, it’s the alcohol that tells you that it's the solution, when in fact it’s become a problem. It’s the depression that tells you that nothing can or will get better. Both are telling you crewel lies. Don’t believe either one of um.

I’m very pleased to hear you’re seeking treatment. Your chances of finding your way out of that pit are quite good in my opinion.

Sapling

I think this is true...But in my case I saw my doctor and told him of my anxiety and depression... I was riddled with them both...And he quickly put me on some form of generic Xanax...Small amount...But more than I wanted...I stopped taking them...I'd been to shrinks before...That didn't do me much good...I knew I was an alkie for a long time...People I loved told me to stop and I didn't listen to them...Why would I listen to a stranger? So when I did finally stop drinking as months went by....I realised how many problems in my life were directly connected to alcohol...Including depression and anxiety....At nine months without a drink and having worked the program of AA....I can say I have no more depression or anxiety than any other non-alcoholic human being...I take no drugs....And I'm happy and enjoying life. So I have to wonder...What is better?...Taking alcohol out of your life and seeing if that caused the depression/anxiety?....Or being put on meds and then taking alcohol out of the picture? I know some people need meds to maintain living a comfortable life and I think it is wonderful that is possible...I'm speaking of my history...I'm just wondering if I should have checked the egg for the problem...before I checked the chicken?