pixilation

I though stbx(allegedly not drinking right now) was. calming down, getting over the fact that i left. I was wrong, i ended up reading a fresh rant via text, on friday. Is it ever going to stop? I'm doing a lot better personally, job is going well, kis are reasonably happy, my stress/anxiety levels are definitely lower than they were when i first moved out. I just wish he'd stop blaming me for everything.

Thumper

It took a long long long time for my ex to stop with those emails. It was 6mos or so after he was in treatment that they stopped. So just under two years from when he moved out. I'm sure he probably still thinks it but he keeps it inside his head now. I'm sure he still blames me. I have had to let that go. I believe he is sober right now. I'm guessing if he had one beer he'd start in again. He sent a weird one a couple weeks ago and I *knew* and sure enough, he sent another saying he had a couple beers and to ignore the last. He's been doing aftercare since January.

Anyway - I just didn't respond. It did get old. After about 15 mos he was no longer in this state so there was distance, which helped.

I have always wanted to just be friendly. To be able to talk about the kids and what is going on with them and overall have a more comfortable relationship/exhanges. I've learned that it is not smart to do that. It always leads to some kind of response that is....not painful so much anymore but just - I don't know - tiring. It saps my energy so I don't even go there.

lillamy

Two years and I'm still getting them. I think as long as they are actively drinking and not taking responsibility for their own choices, you'll see some of that.

ODAT63

Okay all this is me, I am the codie, he is the A that left me, almost two years now and he stop contact even call the police on me for calling him about his daughter ONCE, however, I am still contacting him (block my number) just to hear his voice message because he will not answer his phone, I do not know if he is sober or not, I know he is dating and his mom swears that he is being sober.

Will I ever stop??? It is not that often that I want to contact him, maybe few times the entire year....help!!
we were married 16+ years, almost two years since he left.

My kid says all he does is bad mouth me how crazy I am, then he finally stop contact with our sons.
Is he sober or just to angry to talk to me?
BTW I am grateful he is not in my life, I am more serene and peaceful but not sure why why why I want to talk to him...

pixilation

I don't really want to talk to him, I only discuss the children/drop off/pick up with him. It's him that generally takes the conversation other places, and then gets angry if I answer the "wrong way". He is definitely NOT taking responsibility for any of his choices, everything that has gone wrong in his life is someone else's fault.

I say allegedly sober because after his DUI/jail time in September, he had to get a breathalyzer 2x a day, and after that was done in January, from what i've been told, he hasn't drank.

And yes it is very tiring. I still have a minimum of 14 years to deal with him, so that doesn't help the situation either.

NYCDoglvr

It's not a coincidence that the American Medical Association classifies alcoholism as a mental illness. Even AA founder Bill Wilson said "drinking is but a symptom". Let go as much as possible, the disease is calling the shots now.

I hope you can put as much space between yourself and him as possible. When the details get discussed walk away.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Pixil. (No more fish tanks? ) In my case, it's kind of slowed down. There are brief interludes of no contact from him, which are blissful. And I'm slowly learning to not let the cr-p he does pull throw me into a tailspin - or at least MUCH of a tailspin.

I have about 11 years of having to deal with XAH before DS turns 18. If I look at it that way, it sounds like h-ll. (OMG, it's nearly the same length of time I've already spent with him. ) I have to remind myself that it's not 11 years. Even IF I have to deal with XAH (and that's a HUGE if) until DS turns 18, it's not every day. And there are periods of no harassment from XAH or his current enablers, so that further reduces the amount of time having to be spent putting up with him.

It'll get less .... problematic. It's getting less painful. It's hard to remember that in the throws of a XAH commotion, but it is better now than it used to be.

Oh- And I'll be coming back here to re-read this when I'm stressed about XAH's next stunt.......................... Which will probably be soon.

Hang in there!

wicked

thanks uncertainty, that made me laugh out loud.

pixilation,
How are you doing otherwise? Besides the ridiculous phone calls.

And here is your answer.

This is excellent news and I am so glad to hear from you pixilation.


Beth

hadenoughnow

I have been divorced from exah for 4 years and I STILL get drunk emails from him. The calls and emails have tapered off but he still is not "over it" (which is why I make it a point to never have anything to do with him in person). Not being able to move through the normal stages and move on is part of the disease. They get "stuck" in playing the blame game and can't give it up.

pixilation

Yep, that was your answer! I am also taking my first overnight trip without kids in over 13 years, going to see Nerdist podcast live, a few hours away, with a coworker. I am super-excited, like this is my "last" step other than the actual divorce that I have to take.

ROFL about the fish tanks, he DID try to get me to take a hamster and cage, that was his latest thing, he put a female/male siberian dwarf hamster together, and then kept them together thru something like 5 litters. So there are now 4 cages in his trailer. I wisely said "no way". And then laughed about it privately later that night.

I did have a moment yesterday, my van needs some work(which will cost more than my meager savings) but the JOBS program can't help me with it because it's still registered in his name, and he was refusing to sign it over to me. Anger-cried for about 15 minutes because he was still managing to screw me over, ruin my life. Then after a short text conversation he said he would meet me at the DMV to sign the vehicles over to each other(the car in his possession is still in my name)on Wednesday morning, so that's dealt with.

lillamy

I think probably because you have not worked any kind of recovery program. I'm saying that with love and gentleness. I thought once I left my AH that all my problems were solved. And I thought that after four years in Al-Anon and actively working a program.

It's sort of like... after an extended illness, like pneumonia, you may be feeling well again, but you still have work to do to get well. You're still going to be out of shape and still going to be tired walking up the stairs you used to run up before you got sick.

Except with recovery, you end up in better shape than you were before you got sick.

brownhorse

I am still dealing with it after 5 months. Good days and bad ones. Mine is sober, too. And if I am nice to him then "distant", I am leading him on and braking his heart. I have always been very clear about my intentions. Anyway, you are not alone. Good luck

CanfixONLYme

Hi pixilation,

How is everything going now? I'm glad your ex signed over the van to you... hopefully you can get it looked at now. One LESS thing he thinks that he has 'control' over you. My soon to be ex husband (I post in the substance abuse forum) signed over his motorcycle to me for $500. It's a long story. I'm not sure where he is or what he's doing, but I know sooner or later, I'm going to get a call or text or 'something'...

NYC.. was absolutely right in that it is the disease talking (plausible reason for my ex giving me a $15,0000+ bike for only $500 cash?)...

I hate drugs, I hate what alcohol does in many... sigh. I hope you and everyone are finding a little more peace and quiet this evening.

Hugs!

pixilation

He didn't show, didn't bother to text me to tell me he needed a ride, apparently the bus stop being 4 blocks away is too far for him to bother to walk too, his parents must be tired of carting him around too. So, I have to pay for the van repair. I had hoped to use my extra paycheck this month to pad my savings(for when I lose benefits, which will be very soon) and buy the boys' a bunk bed.

The comedy show was awesome however, it felt so good to go on the mini-vacation. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile.