freebrainplz

I am so thankful to have found this site. I am on my second day of recovery. I have attempted recovery a few times with not a lot of success but I wasn't educated on what I was let alone on why the things that happen in my brain happen. I have been set up with new tools and expect success one day at a time. I never knew I was an addict I just wanted to feel normal. Luckily I had a good friend educate me on the subject it took nearly a month and the loss of that same friend who just couldn't deal with my "Sh*t" anymore for me to accept what I am. The words that saved my life were also the words that destroyed me "your nothing but an ungrateful waste of time" I cried when I heard those words because they were words that had rung true with everyone in my life, how many times had I heard that or felt that about myself? I was holding on to that person thinking they would save me. When in reality I was weighing him down and putting stress on his recovery. I wanted someone to give me their hand and pull me away from what I had become. When I heard that I knew for the first time that no one was goin to save me, that if I wanted out I had to find my way on my own no more excuses no more lies its between my higher power and me. I have let everything that is remotely important to me go for a different state of mind. I have destroyed relationships, friendships and family members and countless opportunities all to satisfy my selfish nature. I have more pain and regret than I know how to swallow right now, this is the first time I have felt in a long time. I know that it will get better. I don't know much but I know that if I continue on the path I am on I will only become more hopeless and destroy what little I have left. I refuse to continue blotting out until the bitter end. I am focusing on today, I will not look at the past I will not try and predict the future. The best saying I have ever heard was from that same friend. If one foot is in the past and one in the future your left pissing on today. I will not do that any longer. I am so grateful for everyone on this website I think this will be the main tool that helps me to recover. I am still very uncomfortable and timid in meetings and in the past could not bring myself to pick up my phone and call someone before doing something stupid, this website takes the fear of reaching out for help away. Between this and counceling and the meetings I have every tool I need to succeed. I can not wait to have a connecction with my higher power and fully believe I have my doubts now but I know that something will change that. I don't want to run my life any longer I suck at it. I want the peace that I see so many recovered and recovering addicts and alcoholics have. That sparkle in their eye and they are almost glowing they talk with such a comfort about this higher power and the peace that came to them because of it. I am so early in my addiction, it started at 13 but I wasn't full blown into drugs and drinking on a daily basis until this last year and half, let me tell you though I have done so so so much damage in such a short amount of time I have already lost so much I am so grateful that someone taught me about what I was truly doing before I got further into it and did more damage than what I have already done. This is the first time in my life I have hope I understand why I feel so uncomfortable and that I can work to fix me. I have been this way as long as I can remember and never knew I could change. This time is so different then past attempts in I have this overwhelming since of comfort maybe its the prayers I have been saying it seems everytime that nagging to get high or drink comes around I ask for it to leave I ask for my higher power to take it from me and it works. Its crazy the cravings seem to be vanishing within minutes I can't explain it but results don't lie. Thank you all for bein apart of the website I know it will keep my mind on recovery. **2 days strong**

desertsong

You are in good company here, freebrain. That higher power is a force to be reckoned with, for sure. Miraculous. Glad you're here - this is a great place to come for support.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Scolova

Keep it going, stay strong and ready for the temptations.