Sage88

Hi all,
I will try to keep this short. I am a 24 year old female and I believe I have an anxiety problem. Have been on prozac on and off since I was 15, always believed I drank the 'normal' amount that my teenage friends did, didn't drink at all through 6 form, went mental 1st and 2nd year of University. Was out 2-3 times a week.
Briefly just want to point out, I've been so anxious before at around 19 years old during A2 Levels I've had panic attacks and mental obsessions about HIV, that's how bad I was.
Anyway, suddenly out of the blue I have developed a MASSIVE mental obsession with the question of am I an alcoholic in any shape way or form? It's so stupid because I rationalise it really seriously one minute, then tell myself I'm being overly anxious the next.
I have never had a blackout, I don't throw up when I go out and get drunk with friends or pass out, I'm in my last year of University and hardly go out at all now, due to growing up and work, but where has this guilt and re thinking/back tracking every single time i've drunk come from? Is it just anxiety?
I'm keeping charts of when I drink and what i drink on drinkaware.co.uk to 'track myself' and panicking about it so much. I have drunk 4 times this month, and once was considered a 'binge' I had 5 single rum and cokes over about 4 hours, and a pint of ale at a rugby match. I didnt' even feel drunk.
I can have a few drinks and not feel the need to drink more but it doesnt really do anything for me anymore, maybe because I'm feeling so anxious about it!
The Only time in my life I have been worried was last year, I drank a lot but for the wrong reasons.
I was drinking 2-3 large glasses of red wine to myself most nights. I was on prozac and felt completely numb, It had completely plateaued and I had NO emotions whatsoever. Sounds stupid but the wine just made me feel something, i didn't get wasted or pass out, but I used it for the wrong reasons and feel incredibly guilty. I was getting over a break up and an abortion which I hadn't come to terms with, (still haven't, but it is a lot better) and when I tried to I just drank red wine apparently!
No one told me they were worried at the time, my bf told me he drank far more than me at uni but I do just remember this constant urge to go out and have some wine, and if he didn't want to I'd get really annoyed.
But after the summer I came back, off prozac, immediately had human being feelings and felt less need to drink instantly, didn't bother me at all. My housemate said I seemed so much happier, which I am, but they thought at one point, crap she's drinking a lot. is she ok?
I don't know how seriously to take this or if it's just friendly concern. I've never lied about drinking to myself or anyone, but I am SO anxious about it, iIthink about it 24/7. I cross off days I haven't drunk to try and achieve something, but I don't feel like I crave it at all really? I'll go two weeks without a drink then have a few on a night out and immediately think I'm an alcoholic because I can't go more than two weeks.

I never have had to have drink in the morning or anything, the last time I did I hadn't had one for a couple of weeks, I was at home, house sitting, I'd had a nap and I woke up in the evening and just really wanted a glass of red wine. So after battling with myself I had 3 glasses that night and then went to bed.

I know this sounds ridiculous but this mental obsession is driving me inasne, and typing it in to google just brings up alcoholism symptoms which panics me even more! I know I'm not physically dependent but why am I mentally obsessing?
Basically I just want to know if it is just anxiety or if there is a problem there. I really don't want to go back on prozac anymore, I purchased some St Johns wort and didn't want to start that but have now, because I'm crying every day at my sudden fear of being an alcoholic, day in, day out, and obsessing about what age I started drinking, was i drinking more than others? Has anyone told me I need to stop? have I had any medical problems? Has my liver area ever hurt? When I took myself off prozac I was really anxious for 2 weeks or was that just because I was coming off alcohol? constant questions.
Help, please. I'm desperate.
Thank you for reading.

Michaeljames

If you have to ask the question the answer is yes.

sugarbear1

Try reading the AA book. Seeif you can relate to anything you read in The Doctor's Opinion or any of the first 164 pages. You decide what you want to do. Search: AA 4th edition

Peace & Love,

artsoul

Hi Sage and welcome!

I think it's hard to say whether you have a problem (or the potential for one) with alcohol....... There's some reason, though, that it's bothering you and that you're thinking about it all the time.

If you were being treated for depression, I'm assuming you have (or have had) a therapist or psychiatrist? I think it might be wise to take this up with them. Have you ever just tried to go without drinking for a month or more? How did that go?

I was never a blackout or morning drinker either (no DUI''s etc.), but alcohol created huge problems for me due to making my depression and anxiety even worse. I think if it's creating any kind of problem for you, it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider staying away from it.......

eJoshua

Does it really matter? If you are so concerned about your drinking I would just say stop drinking. Although you may have an anxiety disorder (not sure, ask your doctor), not all anxiety is bad. If you are anxious about your drinking stop drinking.

Sage88

Hi thanks for the replies so quickly,

I haven't had a counsellor for a few years now and I'm on every single waiting list possible.
I've gone a month(s) without drinking before fine yes, and right now my friends know I am not drinking so in all the frequent pub trips I'm just on coke and it is fine. My partner is the only person I relay all this freakish anxiety too and he tells me I'm a sensible drinker and I'm just stressed and being panicky as I have a dissertation due in soon and I'm miserable up at University in a crappy house.

Michaeljames, while I appreciate your reply greatly and understand it, the only reason I would question it is because of my general anxiety. I am known to fixate on things and suddenly fear being ill. This is why it's harder than that.

While I know not every alcohol abuser or alcoholic has to have blackouts or DUIs I just thought I'd point it out as it has not happened to me, as well as all my friends drinking way more than me and me not having to carry on drinking after one or two. I'm not using these as excuses, just outlining my situation.

I know that whether or not I have a problem, I am over panicking it, which is why I've started taking St johns Wort. Psychological or not, it's only been two days and I am more relaxed.

It's just the mental obsession of whether I have problem or not, I'm not sure if when alcoholics talk about mental obsession they just mean the mental obsession of alcohol itself, as I am just worrying about a problem with it.

Blissful moments for me are when I wake up and for the first couple of hours I forget completely that I am panicking about this current 'illness' and don't think of alcohol at all. Then something reminds me on my laptop and the guilt and beating myself and questioning myself starts all over again on a brand new day....

Dee74

Welcome Sage - I merged your two threads btw

The mental obsession was a part of my alcoholism as much as the physical components, so it's very difficult for laypeople like us on a internet message board to try and determine whether you're alcoholic or simply anxious.

I think you'll need professional input there and I wish you luck in accessing that soon

Some great advice here from others - the one thing I would add, as I'm sure you know, is not to drink on meds....

I've always been anxious - I'm far less anxious these days now I'm a non drinker...if nothing else, if you can countenance not drinking, I really recommend abstinence for helping you deal with your anxiety

D