dbh

Hi,

I've been getting triggered by posts on the friends & family forums.

It seems I can be triggered by posts from young people who are dating or about to marry addicts and people who are living with an addict and have children in the home.

I've said before how there is a part of me that wants to rewrite my family's history. My mom knew on her wedding night that she had made a mistake marrying my dad. I think he spent their wedding night in the bar while she cried in their room. She was married to him for SIXTEEN YEARS! She knew she made a mistake and had to live with that mistake for a very long time.

When kids are involved, well most people want to protect children. Certain posts can take me back in time to that scared little girl who just wanted a "normal" family.

Then there's a part of me that want to rewrite my history. As a young adult I went from one dysfunctional relationship to the next. I always went after the boys/men who were distance or needed fixing (just like my dad). However, I didn't see or understand the pattern until I was older and started my own recovery.

Sometimes I feel like I wasted so much time. There were so many things that I could have done instead of obsessing about my latest relationship crisis. Although deep down I know the path that I took got me here and I'm pretty much happy with where I am now. I still have work to do, but I'm heading in the right direction.

I have heard it said that if you find yourself saying things more than once, you’re trying to control another person. I've come a long way from trying to control the behavior of addicts, but I think I'm guilty of trying to control the behavior of other codependents.

Just like I did with the addicts in my life, I keep thinking if I just find the "right words" a light bulb will go off in their head and they'll understand what I'm trying to tell them. I keep forgetting that they are on their own paths and learning their own lessons along the way (which will be different than mine).

Still think I have way more control that I actually do :-)

Not sure if anyone else can related.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

Freedom1990

I can totally relate. There has been more than one time I found myself trying to "find" the right words for another codependent on SR to "help them see the light" and always wind up frustrated.

I find that when I have a conscious contact with my HP, I can respond to someone and leave it up to them without trying to "convince" them to take another path.

YearForMe

I've can totally relate as well.

I've learned that if I am particularily triggered by a specific post or thread...that is usually an indication that I need to back away from responding or contributing to it.

dollydo

I can relate, I am especially triggered when there are children involved. I just can't wrap my mind around bringing children into the home where addiction is present. I also can't understand choosing the addict over the children and their well being.

My feeling, of coarse, go back to my childhood, being raised in the home of an abusive alcholic who kept marrying abusive alcoholics.

Talk about hell on earth...I lived it, as did you, scared and praying that a responsible adult would rescue me...sadly,no one did.

bluebelle

I completely relate. My AM repeatedly dated/married abusive men, so that is a big issue for me. I feel like being around my mom's addiction and all of the abusive men was very harmful to me. So, I am probably the most triggered when the issue regards children. I guess I feel like a child that the adults around me did not pay enough attention to what was happening to me. My grandparents have always been in denial when it comes to my mom. In many ways, the family would rather repeat the cycle of denial than change the situation.

lightseeker

I can totally relate. I wish that I could stop every single person from making the same mistakes that I have made...but I know that people felt the same way about me. I remember when I first started posting here and no telling how many people that I triggered. I went full blown into what was a disasterous relationship and marriage...yes I had 2 sons that were 9 and 10 at the time.

I have huge regrets about my choices. I guess that is the next step - learning to appreciate the things in my life that have made me who I am today. I'm just really grateful to have found recovery and mainly - to be away from my now ex husband.

Thanks for possting this!

Ann

I too sometimes want so badly to "save" someone from the pain I have been through...forgetting that it was a long process for me, even surrounded by support.

I wouldn't wish a day of my life on anyone...but I wouldn't trade a day of it either, because my path, however scary sometimes, led me to the good place I am in today. I need to remember that when I try to "save" someone. I may just save them from the joy I found after following my journey of recovery. It is better for everyone if I just share what worked for me and let them decide for themselves what might work for them too.

We can't change our past, but we can learn from it and grow, and ensure that our lives today don't repeat the sadness of yesterday, but that they reflect our willingness to change and that our tomorrows will be happier. I am grateful that this is how it has turned out for me.

Perhaps we need an Anon-Anonymous forum here, where we who try to control the recovery of other codependents can go and sit on our hands for a while, lol.

My name is Ann and I am powerless over others...all others...codependents included.

Love you all.

Hugs

twolivestouched

I am one of the trigger posters, I am sure. I am sorry and I want so badly to be able to do what I know is right. I know that my ABF is toxic; I know that he is hurting me, I know that it’s wrong.

I am trying to find my power and walk away. All of the stories here are helping to make that a reality for me and my son. Please know that I value all that you have to share.

You are getting through, I hear you, it’s just a slow process. So don’t be afraid to speak slowly and repeat yourself. Its how little kids learn (and maybe codependents too).

Ann

I was a slow learner too, and nothing could make me learn any faster. You'll get there in your own time, at your own speed, just like most of us did.

Impurrfect

I know I have been triggered, and I have been the one to trigger others. I was a very slow learner. Though I was not raised in a family of dysfunction, pretty sure I was born into it, it took me a long, long time to "get it". I sought addiction as a way to deal with the drama. Not everyone does that, but I have 5 years in recovery (for addiction and codependency), mainly because of the people on SR.

I share my ES&H when I think it may help, other threads I read and just say a prayer. I think that recognizing when something "hits us" is a big part of recovery, but maybe that's just me

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

zoso77

I totally get where you come from.

You know...I once heard it's not success that builds character. It's failure, and how we respond to it. If you're on course, and you're doing the things you need to be doing every day...even when it's hard...then I think that's wonderful.

I loved your post. Thanks for sharing it.

ZoSo

wicked

Wow, I have been triggered!
When I was sitting here, tears pouring down my face and a runny nose.
I said "thank you HP for letting me get it"
Lots of work to do, but now I don't feel like I am trying to fill the ocean with a teaspoon.
Progress.

KelleyF

Well I'm pretty sure I'm my posts are triggers for many.
I just want to say that I don't mean it to be that way.
All the advice and suggestions on how to move forward with my BF who is in recovery are truly appreciated. I've learned many things; one thing said to me by Anvil I shall always remember:
She said always have an emotional and physical escape plan.
That is something I am going to work my best to incorporate into my thought process and into my life. If you know from the beginning and accept that one day it could all go wrong; and your prepared - what a blessing.

There's a lot of other lessons learned; and some that are just sitting there "pending" - a few haha- have been "deleted".
But your as advice and learning through your situations is invaluable. I mean I could completely close my eyes and shut out all the bad possibilities ... But I think it's good for now that I'm not.

So for those I've triggered, annoyed... I apologize. And for those that I have yet to drive insane ( perhaps your new to the forum as of today) just accept my apology in advance.

Kel

ODAT63

Louis Hay said that we all selected our children and they chose us to be their parent for the lessons we needed to learn in this temporary earth, that has helped me a lot specially not to be too hard on myself, I let my now young adults children know that I am sorry for the programing they got when they were little. but now that they are adults, they are 100% responsible to re-program themselves to recovery, and I am doing the same so I can be of ES&H to them.
I wish I can change the past, but I can not so I accept that now, however my new TODAY can help improve my tomorrow to a better life for us all.

Chino

My triggers don't come from trying to save anyone. I'm triggered when new members come here asking for advice and direction, then debate and or get defensive when they get what they asked for. I feel like it's been a waste of precious time, but I don't respond how I really want, and that's a damned good thing. Instead I remember someone else out there might be reading who really wants help for themselves.

ODAT63

Then again it comes our desire to "fix".

December2011

I know I didn't have an ABF, but I was still stubborn about advice, but I was guilty of hurting my child by enabling him to use drugs, and even let him live with me after I knew he was shooting up in my house. This must have triggered many. How could it not?

I am sure I had people shaking their heads and thinking "man, how long is this woman going to enable her son?"You guys were tough when I needed it and gentle when I needed it. You always seemed to relate and understand. I listened and eventually understood. That light bulb did go off in my head. The "FOG" started to lift.

I was a hard case and determined to "love" my son into recovery at all cost. I felt doomed and that my chances at happiness were long gone. I would be taking care of my AS forever. I really rebelled against some of the good advice, and sometimes thought how uncaring some of you moms were.

This makes me cry writing these things, I just wanted to say thank you. I can actually sleep at night now, I have gained 5 lbs, I can go out and do stuff for myself that are fun, I have more money in my bank account, I can concentrate on my own goals, my BF and I fight much much less. I am not terrified when the phone rings, I feel more peaceful inside. there are no words to describe how great it feels not to have anxiety attacks everyday, and that feeling or guilt and dread. I really thought it would never go away. Now days my tears are more for hope, and thankfulness not pain, worry, and fear.

I can also see the work I have ahead of me, but now it is work on my own recovery, not his. I can no longer hide behind the problems of another. Time to face my own demons. I say "bring it on!"

Again, I absolutely love you guys. Thank you for caring about me and my son.

Freedom1990

This is tremendous progress for you, and I hope you give yourself credit!

Sending you hugs of support.

cangel2

Cynical One I too find myself triggered by many of the same things and have generally not trusted myself to weigh in on kid issues in fear of not sounding supportive.

Your comment about large number of parents in their early twenties being here in great number has encouraged me to offer a bit of my personal experience and perspective in the hope it might offer some things for parents to think about.

My parents were 23 when they had me. They were in no position to manage their rather disfunctional and unstable relationship let alone raise a child. Their late night parties drifted into "long cocktail" evenings as they got older and then my father clearly crossed the line into becoming an alcoholic somewhere in the process. They split up and we moved so many times I never really had any sense of "home". Just as an example I attended 3 different 3rd grades in three different cities; horrible thing to do to a kid. My younger brother arrived 5 years after me .... a product of one in a series of reconciliations. (Way to make a kid feel wanted huh?) He and I spent our entire childhoods hiding from the raging, removing ourselves during parties, spending many nights with friends and clinging to each other in fear many nights in all the chaos.

I honestly think that my parents never had a clue how unsettling it all was and certainly had no thoughts about the long terms effects their behavior would have on us. They were so wrapped up in their own drama that they never had room to parent. I struggled with co-dependent issues for many years; I was the dependable kid who made sure things were taken care of. My brother began self-medicating himself in his teens and became addicted to alcohol. He has been sober now for two years (Yeah!) but can you imagine only being sober two years between the ages of 16-48? The toll on him has been considerable - try being emotionally 17 on the brink of turning 50....rough stuff! He has a lot of deferred pain to process on top of maintaining his sobriety.

I do not mention this to get any sympathy; I am extremely proud of myself and all that I have accomplished. But all of it was due to my being born with a very strong sense of self (luck only) and the desire to create the home I missed out on as a child where I could feel safe and nurtured.

My one wish as a kid was that my Mom would have had enough and removed us from the insanity. She just couldn't do it ...... couldn't step away from her "addiction" to my father long enough to parent her two kids. They split up the last time when I was 18 and I bolted from my dependable role and when no contact with my Dad.......my Mom died when I was 21; I honestly think she would have gone back to him if she hadn't been so ill and he hadn't been so selfish in not wanting to take care of her.

Anyway, I guess my point here is all kids want is consistency, safety and love. They feel and know what is going on with their parents....you aren't hiding anything from them no matter their age. They feel it when they are young and they "know" when they are older. It takes a horrible toll on kids ability to thrive and develop. It can also cause serious problems that only magnify as they grow older. Growing up is hard enough.......I wish I had had parents who would have helped me through that not made it scary and difficult and left me to raise myself.

I was lucky.....and I kind of got to parent and heal myself when I became a parent. Not everyone is as lucky ....... so yes, I get triggered in a big way when young children are involved too. Not from a judgemental place but from a deeply emotional place of having lived through it.

As Cynical One said......feel free to use the "Ignore" button but I wanted to share my experience and perspective.

Krystal32

"Anyway, I guess my point here is all kids want is consistency, safety and love. They feel and know what is going on with their parents....you aren't hiding anything from them no matter their age. They feel it when they are young and they "know" when they are older. It takes a horrible toll on kids ability to thrive and develop. It can also cause serious problems that only magnify as they grow older. Growing up is hard enough.......I wish I had had parents who would have helped me through that not
made it scary and difficult and left me to raise myself.

I was lucky.....and I kind of got to parent and heal myself when I became a parent. Not everyone is as lucky ....... so yes, I get triggered in a big way when young children are involved too. Not from a judgemental place but from a deeply emotional place of having lived through it."




I also grew up surrounded by addiction. My mother is addicted to alcohol, pills and Meth. I have a lot of horrible memories from my childhood and I know how it feels to live in a broken home. Thankfully my mom was smart enough to send me to live with my aunt and uncle when I was 12 and I was able to enjoy my teenage years and I believe that saved me. My aunt and uncle taught me a lot and I have a good head on my shoulders because of them.

What's tough for me is I did fall in love with an addict and I have 2 children with him and he's 80 days sober now. We just had a little girl 3 weeks ago and we also have a 19 month old boy together and I'm 28 years old, so I'm sure my posts have triggered people also. I did expose my son to things that I wish I never had and I didn't see at the time the horrible situation I was putting him in cause I was so wrapped up in my fiance. It really made me blind to everything around me and this is by no means an excuse for putting my son in such a dangerous situation. I'm just saying that I can see how a persons addiction can completely take over you, that you put your child in a dangerous place and you don't even realize you're doing that. Now that I have had the chance to step back from the situation and see things for what they really are, it's opened my eyes. Right now I am choosing to stay with my fiance cause he is pursuing recovery and making changes in his life. The second he decides to go back down the path of using again, I will not hesitate to remove my children and myself from that environment. I absolutely refuse to go down that road again and have my children grow up the way I did. I can't take back what my son has already been exposed to and believe me, it kills me that I let that happen but I can make sure that him and my daughter have a good future. I realize by making the decision to stay with him is a risk but at least my head isn't in the clouds anymore and I am very much aware of what's going on around me and I have the strength to take my kids and leave if it comes to that.