justrae83

In need of SERIOUS ADVICE from former codies…

A lot of you that come onto these postings know that I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING is an understatement. I am not only addicted to the addict but my self esteem has been truly been effected. How can an addict not want me? Am I that bad of a person that and addict doesn’t even want me? When I did EVERYTHING for him and loved him till I couldn’t love anymore and then gave more? I keep thinking of the other women he choose and why her not me. Is the other girl he loves now, have more then I can offer? If she was not in the picture, would I still want him? Because it wasn’t till I learned about her, that I got to the point of OBSSESION of getting him back. I know it sounds crazy, but the urge to get him back grows everyday and I AM SO NOT LIKE THIS. Have any of you dealt with this or know the outcome?

I think because I knew he was such a great guy, very handsome, charming and REALLY SWEET! (He was not the mean drunk, but just had a problem but treated me like a queen) I always knew if we split up, that he wouldn’t have a problem finding someone, but I deep down thought..no women is gonna want to put up with what he has. I mean he has no car, works part time, no dreams exept just being a father but is ok with struggling his whole life, always spending money on doctors visits for pills and health issues and filed for bankruptcy and has a drinking and pill addiction (that he hides very very well). I know I should have been saying those things to myself but LOVE IS BLIND. And I loved him more than any other man in my life and HE TOLD ME I was the love of his life until this new girl came along then texted me she was the best thing that ever happened to him. Is it because this new girl has 4 kids and is settling? Is it because she doesn’t know he is and addict? Is it true love like he said it was? Sigh… I hate that I love this man. Jealousy is a bitch…

gerryP

JusRrae, I'm sorry that you are struggling so badly with your situation.

Have you read the responses of support and suggestions from all your previous threads?

I wondered too if your ex would be as attractive to you if he wasn't involved with someone else. Might be something for you to explore deeper. FWIW, I really think you would benefit greatly with some professional help with self esteem issues if that is possible financially.

wicked

gerryP,

I asked justrae if she came back to read the threads she started, but, I can't remember which thread!

justrae, I have felt like you do now.
My ex TOLD me many things, just like yours did.
We were married for 12 years and had two children together.
After rehab, I stayed sober and he did not. That is when he found his new playmate.
I wish I knew then that he had no understanding of love. None.
I had very little understanding of it myself.
But, I did know for dang sure that it did not include dishonoring me and our children have a wide open affair on a very small Army base.

And this justrae^^^^^^^^
Yes, I was newly sober, and starting to have feelings.
Feelings and the needs of the EGO.
Most of the time, during this period I didn't know whether to poop or go blind.
:rotfxko

Then, I called the girlfriend to apologize for my outburst at the Alano club.
She and I start talking, a lot! Drove my ex !
She broke up with him, he stole money from her for crack.

I guess the moral of the story is, the misery will continue until you decide to stop it.

Beth

LaTeeDa

IMHO, jealousy has nothing at all to do with love. Jealously stems from feelings of ownership or possession. That is not love. People are not possessions. They do not own us and we do not own them. In fact, I believe that true love is the desire for the other to be whole, complete and happy, whether they are with us or not. True love encourages the other to strive for inner peace and fulfillment, even if that means a parting of ways. Jealousy does not have a part to play in that at all.

My two cents,
L

mayalewiston

Hi JustRae83,
I am new here too and also struggling with the pain of leaving my partner of 6 years (married for less than a year... call me Kim K!). What has helped me more than anything is spending hours on this forum just reading the experiences of other people. What that made me realize (other than just the basic 3 c's) is that my story was really no different than anyone else's. We all come from different walks of life, but the A in our lives have all done the exact same thing.

Reading the other posts have really made me realize:
-Active addicts do not want ANYONE, they just want their fix (and someone who enables them)
-They do not have the ability to truly love. The only true "love of their life" is yet again their fix.
-An active addict does not have the real, raw, emotions that you and I do
-Trying to rationalize/analyze my AH's behavior is like trying to talk politics with an infant
-Most of us come here as newbies thinking our A is "different" and won't get that bad
-Many of us come here thinking that if we move out, that will be the wake up call they need (I did this just like you). Sadly, we can't control that - and in my findings, that usually isn't the case
-Your AXBF was incapable of loving you the way you love him - you are in love with the man you wanted him to be, NOT the man he is (I know this all too well, as I now realize that's how I spent the past 6 years of my life... waiting for him to change).

What would you get out of getting back together with him other than another ticket on the crazy train? He did not treat you like a queen - he put HIS needs before your's. Do you really want a man with the qualities you describe above? No car, no motivation, multiple addictions... Why would you want a life with him? What happiness would that bring to your life?

I know it is so hard, but you really need to think about how the rest of your life would be with him AS HE IS TODAY. What do you see? When I thought long and hard about that, I saw me in tears nearly every day being lied to, raising kids with an absent parent, probably having to pick my career back up again (which is fine) because AH will likely lose his great job at some point, legal troubles, financial disasters, etc... Stop seeing him for what you WANT him to be - that is not reality.

One thing that helped me was that when I got some really great advice from someone that has been on SR for a while, I would go back and read their first and early posts - most of them struggled just like you and I and are here months/years later in amazing places giving the best advice. That can happen to you too. You just need to get out of fantasy land and back to earth... I say this lovingly because I too have spent way too much time in fantasy land... 6+ years was more than enough for me. It's only natural to be jealous of the new girl - but YOU are the one that wins here... she is just his latest victim. I promise it will get better... just one week ago, I was where you are... I decided this past Sunday morning, I was going to wake up and make a change and while it's not easy (and I'm sure I'll be back here soon typing of a bad/hard day), only YOU have the power to pull yourself out of this funk.

justrae83

Thank you Mayalewiston, this actually got me teary eyed. These are things i knwo deep down are ture, I just have a hard time letting him go beucase i miss him. he was my best friend, I told him everything. So even though i know in the long run he is no good, it still hurts and I wished for a better outcome.

nodaybut2day

And THAT was truly honest of you. Bravo.

I'm right there with you. I WISH my ex-bf was more emotionally available and willing to be with me, but he's just NOT. Reality.

Have some chocolate. Watch some stupid tv show, or buy tons of silly books. Time marches on, whether we like it or not, and every day that passes is a little "less worse" than the previous one. We'll be break-up buddies, if you like. And if I promise you that I'll be ok, then you promise the same too, ok?

justrae83

The problem is too, all my friends i made over the years were his friends and there girlfriends, so not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost his family whom i loved and all his friends followed him and dont talk to me much anymore. I AM ALONE! I have 2 girlfriends, both are married and cant really hang out like single girls can. It is a very empty feeling, when he walked away...so did my whole life.

Impurrfect

(((justrae))) - I stayed with a man, a "functional alcholic" for more than 20 years. He always had other gf's, I accepted it and tried to be the BEST gf he had.

Long story short, I turned to drugs to deal with the horrific self-esteem I had, due to him.

Today? I've got 5 years+ in recovery for codepency and addiction. I recently reconnected with a friend and her daughter, the friend is working with the XABF, the daughter knows the story (she's 35).

He married one of the gf's he had when we were together. I totally committed myself to him, he did otherwise. When I heard he had married this woman, I was thrown for a loop. What was wrong with ME? Why didn't he ever want to marry ME? We're talking 10 years distance.

I came here, to a few threads I post on regularly. I typed out a "pros and cons" list of what life was like with him. I was totally feeling like a failure, but when I typed out the pros and cons? Gee, the cons list was waaaaaay longer.

I realized that, though I certainly owned part of our dysfunctional relationship, I was not the only one. Good times were good, but damn...never knew when the bad times were going to come up.

The woman he is married to? She is what I would call a doormat. She doesn't work, she is totally under his control, walking on egg shells for when his "bad side" is going to come out. When I had lunch with my friend and her daughter, and I explained that I was always trying to "fix him"? The both, IMMEDIATELY, said "oh, he's totally NOT fixed yet".

I am 50 years old, spent more than 20 years with him, spent more time with him than my mom, who I had no idea was going to die when I was 29...at the age I am now. Thanks to all the friends I've made here, and the ES&H I've gotten? I know, without a single doubt, my XABF couldn't handle the woman I am today. Thanks to all I've learned here, I pity the woman he is married to.

It takes a while to get to where I am today, but just listen to the ES&H that is offered here. I was in denial for a while (I have THREE XABF's) but it slowly sunk in. You deserve a partner who complements your life....not one who completes it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tabatha

The majority of normal people would look at this guy who has no car, no goals, part time work, and a pill and alcohol addiction and run the other way fast. It might be a good idea to look at why you were so attracted to this person to begin with. What makes us attracted to damaged people who are so clearly not functioning at a level that would promote a healthy relationship and who are probably not capable of doing so. Why do we over look EVERYTHING and fall for the good looks and charm when we know deep down that that is the ONLY thing this person has going for him? Do we fool ourselves into thinking that these other negative traits will just magically disappear one day because we love them? Just some questions I have asked myself after going through something very similar to your situation. Oh yeah- and attending Coda meetings and Coda therapy. Answering these questions were real eye openers for me as to why I picked who I did. Love is blind because we refuse to open our eyes and choose only see what we want to see.

mayalewiston

Justrae, I really feel for you and totally get. If we are being honest, I told my friends only last week that I didn't think I could live without my AH and that I didn't even want to (yeah, it was bad). I just decided I had to make a change one morning - you really don't understand it until after you've done it, but it's amazing what deciding to wake up fresh and start "moving on" will do for you. Also, when I read your story and try to help you, it helps me too. I look at you and think "Wow, she is so much better than him, She gave him everything, he gave her nothing, She is so young, and has a great life in front of her once she snaps out of this, etc..." ...and then I realize I have the same situation and need to do the same thing! I really think reading through everyone's posts for hours and hours will help you... it did me. I also reached back out to friends I hadn't seen in months/years (due to being a depressed homebody with AH) and started reconnecting. Also, not sure if you have seen the quackers thread - I guarantee it will get a laugh out of you and lots of it will sound scarily familiar: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html

I am thinking of you and I KNOW you will get through this!! I know you don't feel it, but I can already see progress in your postings and KNOW you are getting there. AH was my best friend too - and my entire world. It is the hardest thing in the world to give up... but if you really think about it, all that you are giving up is the false dream of what you wanted him to be, which was never reality (again, I know because I'm struggling with the same thing), and once you do that you are free to find your real dream.

XOXO

FindingJoy

You pose some great questions:

1. Why do we fall for men who are unavailable, addicts, broke, lazy, etc...?

For me, if I'm being hard core honest with my self because I feel there's a security and they won't leave me or stop loving me.

2. Falling for the good looks and charm...why in the hell do most As have those two traits??!!! It's so true my RExAB is good looking, charming, sweet, smart, funny....well like the saying "he can charm the pants off of you" AND HE HAS MANY TIMES :rotfxko

tabatha

They're charming because they KNOW they have to be because an uncharming, unsexy, fat, lousy in bed lover, ain't gonna do it if you don't have a job, don't have money, have a mass of debts, and no where to live. I actually had one man tell me that "If you have no money, no security, no permanent job, high debts, and are an alcoholic you better be darn sure you're good in bed to make up for the other stuff." No lie- he actually said this.

BuffaloGal

Oh sweetie, this happened to me too. He moved into a whole new social circle.. her friends... and I was absolutely alone. I hated her. You'd be revolted if you knew the revenge fantasies I had about her, and I'm really not like that either.

I had to pick up the pieces and make new friends. It was difficult, but it made me a much stronger and self confident woman.

I currently have a fantastic collection of friends. I mean that. It isn't perfect; I'm not very good at socializing, it's an ongoing struggle, but I can spend time with good people who care about me and I can be alone when I want that. I now have a choice.

For what it's worth, my aexh is marrying his partner whom he took up with while we were separated. And I am not the least bit jealous anymore. Even if I felt like it, I don't need to wish them ill. Odds are, they're going to bring plenty of pain on themselves; she's been pressuring him for several years, and he's going through with it to humor her (this information courtesy of my daughter, who told me that she has "learned what not to do in a relationship from watching Daddy and [his gf]". I don't envy them, I can't fathom pushing someone to marry me or allowing myself to be pushed. I'd walk away from either situation, and I'm sure that for me that would be the best choice.

What you're going through is so horrible, I remember it. But it does stop. The life I have now is better than the one I had with him (although that has more to do with me than with him and me). I am standing in the light at the end of that particular tunnel, and it feels great.

TakingCharge999

justrae I went through the same thing, and it was a similar story as Impurrfect's only in a smaller scale - XABF's partner - has no car, no family, drinks more than he does. Can't spell, not very much educated. I also hated them for a while. In fact it still stings sometimes. 3 years out and sometimes I still miss my best friend, I felt a good connection at first, and even when I knew we could break up I never thought it was going to be in such a horrible way.

When I find forgiveness I am able to cherish the good moments and let the rest go. Granted its VERY DIFFICULT but I have felt some of this good stuff and its great.

I am not at all finished with anger, resentment and jealousy issues but I know those are mine and that I can heal them, and that its not so much about these characters but about my life, ABANDONMENT, loneliness issues... even if a mosquito chose NOT to bite me I would feel rejected having a spiritual family helps a great deal. SR.. some new friends who bring smiles and empathy.

I also "lost" anyone I "knew" , but you know what now with some distance I realize they are not that great. They never EVER showed they cared about MY wellbeing. So honestly I don't have time for people who won't give anything back. Always take, take, take? no thank you...

Remember all the bad things he said or did and put them on a paper, read it often..

For instance when I start suffering due to this (not very often YAY) I recall how one time it was late at night and we were going out somewhere ... it was dark and we were waiting for what would be new GF... she was coming to the house by bus. All XABF did was whine and drink while waiting. Do you think he ever offered to give her a lift? she was not that far away anyway! I would have done that in a heartbeat. But no, I remember him clearly in the sofa complaining.

Does this show love and care? no. Basic manners? no.
Do people magically change and become caring out of a ray of light? no.

Helps me get back to reality .. it will get better you'll see, I was going mad with suffering and obsession and now granted life sucks often but even my worse days aren't 1% as bad as what you are going through. . IT DOES GET SO MUCH BETTER, HANG IN THERE FRIEND.