Going through a breakup with alcholic
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Going through a breakup with alcholic
A little over a week ago my alcholic ex boyfriend and I broke up. We had a nasty fight, and he left. Initially, I wanted nothing more than to get back together with him. After a few days passed, I began to come out of denial. His "drinking problem" that I had always rationalized was in fact full blown alcoholism. I can't even believe what I had dealt with for the past three years. The fights, the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse was endless. Every vacation ended as a nightmare, I was constantly taking care of him. He threw me into a night stand once, he constantly called me names when he was drinking, and I just put up with it because I loved him. I am considering going to an alanon meeting, because I do have some residual guilt over the way I treated him.
After watching him destroy his life and mine, I stayed with him yet began to resent him. I was mean to him, belittled him for drinking, and threatened to break up over and over again. I feel bad for acting this way, as I am a good person. I tried to control his drinking. I begged and pleaded, I manipulated.
As I am beginning to move on, the nightmare is still going.
We have a lease together, cell phone account, and two dogs. we moved 1000 miles away to my home town so I could go to grad school. Now he is still somewhere in this town, on a complete bender. He won't talk to me, or get his stuff out of the house. He has promised to give me money, and has promised to come by several days in a row to get his stuff out. He still has not shown. I feel so stupid, and the warning signs were there so early on in the relationship, but I ignored them because I loved him. He has no car, no money, and is in extreme debt. I tried to "fix" all of these problems for him, but it was more than i could handle. I am 26 and he is 33. And from my understanding, he does not believe he has a drinking problem.
Will the pain ever go away? I know he is not right for me, and I deserve better. But I feel like this is going to effect me for the rest of my life. My father and step father were addicts, and I am so disappointed in my choice of a partner. Has anyone ever gone through this before? I have read other posts but has anyone been so financially attached to an alcoholic that they were not married to?
After watching him destroy his life and mine, I stayed with him yet began to resent him. I was mean to him, belittled him for drinking, and threatened to break up over and over again. I feel bad for acting this way, as I am a good person. I tried to control his drinking. I begged and pleaded, I manipulated.
As I am beginning to move on, the nightmare is still going.
We have a lease together, cell phone account, and two dogs. we moved 1000 miles away to my home town so I could go to grad school. Now he is still somewhere in this town, on a complete bender. He won't talk to me, or get his stuff out of the house. He has promised to give me money, and has promised to come by several days in a row to get his stuff out. He still has not shown. I feel so stupid, and the warning signs were there so early on in the relationship, but I ignored them because I loved him. He has no car, no money, and is in extreme debt. I tried to "fix" all of these problems for him, but it was more than i could handle. I am 26 and he is 33. And from my understanding, he does not believe he has a drinking problem.
Will the pain ever go away? I know he is not right for me, and I deserve better. But I feel like this is going to effect me for the rest of my life. My father and step father were addicts, and I am so disappointed in my choice of a partner. Has anyone ever gone through this before? I have read other posts but has anyone been so financially attached to an alcoholic that they were not married to?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi bailey-
yes, i was with mine for 7 years and he drained my money in booze, bail, cars, desperate situations, rent, mobiles, etc.etc.
your situation is salvageable. you are not married and you have no children. you are in a good position compared to many.
in all liklihood, he'll be back soon and will refuse to leave the apartment. in all liklihood, things will escalate from there if you insist you want to split up.
if you take him back, there will be a honeymoon period, promising the world. don't fall for this because if you do, he will be back up to his old tricks quickly.
and yes, the pain ends. it takes a while but it does. however, if you stay with him, the pain does not end. it only gets worse and worse until you can't believe it's true that this is your life.
try to get to alanon and also, read the book "co-dependent no more".
naive
yes, i was with mine for 7 years and he drained my money in booze, bail, cars, desperate situations, rent, mobiles, etc.etc.
your situation is salvageable. you are not married and you have no children. you are in a good position compared to many.
in all liklihood, he'll be back soon and will refuse to leave the apartment. in all liklihood, things will escalate from there if you insist you want to split up.
if you take him back, there will be a honeymoon period, promising the world. don't fall for this because if you do, he will be back up to his old tricks quickly.
and yes, the pain ends. it takes a while but it does. however, if you stay with him, the pain does not end. it only gets worse and worse until you can't believe it's true that this is your life.
try to get to alanon and also, read the book "co-dependent no more".
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
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WOW YOUR post sounds exaclly like mine!!! It is crazy, i to delt with the same stuff. He is 33 and an I am 28. We had an apartment and a dog together, he had no car, part time job and always emotionaly abused me to get what he wanted. He was in and out of rehab for 6 years, we broke up 3 months ago. I have TREMENDOUS guilt for how I belittled him and treated him cuz of his addictions to pills and drinking. I am a nice person and I two treat men with respect not belittled him and made him feel bad for everything he did, I feel he did not deserve it. Good for you for getting out now, I waited another 3 years on top of yours cuz I love him so much and felt I could “fix” him and we could have the life I knew we could. You know where he is now? Drinking with his New GF he left me for cuz she didn’t bitch about his drinking and treat him like “a mother” as he called me. I cry everyday 4 times a day for 3 months losing him to addictions and another women….good thing you got out now. It makes things SO MUCH HARDER when you stay.
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Oh, Bailey, IMO, it doesn't matter if one is married to the partner they are financially attached to or not. The steps to address the matter would be the same either way. Talk to your landlord to see if you can amend the lease to get his name off (if you can afford it on your own), or get your name off it and find your own place... Save up to pay the cancellation fee and cancel the cell phones or see if you can transfer it to an individual account without his name on it. There are options, you may just need to take a deep breath and think outside the box.
Not sure about the dogs, but, IMO they'd be better off with you than with him, since he's taken off and left them to go on a bender.
Man! To be 26 again. XAH was just my live-in boyfriend at the time, he was 32; I'd just quit my (really good) job (with ample opportunity to advance) and moved with him to Washington State - about 2000 miles away, because his job (as a mover) transferred him there. I was 'helping' him pay off his debt and trying to get him to be responsible with 'our' money. I was also having to put all 'our' debt into my name, because his credit s-cked.
To be 26 and realize what you, at 26, already realize about your boyfriend's alcoholism - well, I envy you.
I don't say this glibly: Of course the pain will go away. Just like it went away after the first crush ended. It hurts like hell, but it will fade. You'll get through this and you'll be stronger and know a bit more about yourself as a result.
Not sure about the dogs, but, IMO they'd be better off with you than with him, since he's taken off and left them to go on a bender.
Man! To be 26 again. XAH was just my live-in boyfriend at the time, he was 32; I'd just quit my (really good) job (with ample opportunity to advance) and moved with him to Washington State - about 2000 miles away, because his job (as a mover) transferred him there. I was 'helping' him pay off his debt and trying to get him to be responsible with 'our' money. I was also having to put all 'our' debt into my name, because his credit s-cked.
To be 26 and realize what you, at 26, already realize about your boyfriend's alcoholism - well, I envy you.
I don't say this glibly: Of course the pain will go away. Just like it went away after the first crush ended. It hurts like hell, but it will fade. You'll get through this and you'll be stronger and know a bit more about yourself as a result.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
thanks, he actually did just come by to get some stuff. i demanded that he come by sober, which he did, so he was in a terrible terrible mood. he does not seem to want to get back together. I think he likes his lifestyle of gambling and drinking until 10am and i was just getting in the way. and i am sure he will have a new, enabling GF immediately.
initially he wanted to get back together. said we would meet for lunch and talk things out. instead he got drunk and blew me off day after day after day. boy am i glad he blew me off, because within those couple of days the smoke began to clear and i started to realize he was an abusive alcoholic. i knew he was all along, i was just in MASSIVE DENIAL!!
you know what gets me? i sit here, day after day, feeling the pain of the breakup, and he drinks and drinks away the pain. i know he did this to other exes, and as far as i can see he's never shown any remorse. and i am planning on buying codependent no more, because it has become very clear to me that i was a definite controlling codependent
initially he wanted to get back together. said we would meet for lunch and talk things out. instead he got drunk and blew me off day after day after day. boy am i glad he blew me off, because within those couple of days the smoke began to clear and i started to realize he was an abusive alcoholic. i knew he was all along, i was just in MASSIVE DENIAL!!
you know what gets me? i sit here, day after day, feeling the pain of the breakup, and he drinks and drinks away the pain. i know he did this to other exes, and as far as i can see he's never shown any remorse. and i am planning on buying codependent no more, because it has become very clear to me that i was a definite controlling codependent
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
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I second theuncertainty completely. I met my AH when I was 26 and stupidly married him. I also gave up my career, took on our debt (AH had a very high paying job put ****** credit because he was too irresponsible/lazy to pay bills on time... go figure), and gave up a lot of my life for him. Now, I've take a huge lifestyle downgrade, trying to pick my career back up (which I thought I was done with... but whatever), and basically become a shadow of myself due to all the issues (his insecurity, jealousy, etc) with AH. I would do anything to go back to being 26 and get the past 6 years back and walk away. The thing that keeps me going if second thoughts pop into my mind was an episode a couple of years ago when I called off our engagement and started to move out... but didn't. Obv, I regret that now and am NOT going to be sitting here years, months, or even weeks later wishing I went through with it "this time." You are so smart - keep it up and I also envy you. 
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
Oh, Bailey, IMO, it doesn't matter if one is married to the partner they are financially attached to or not. The steps to address the matter would be the same either way. Talk to your landlord to see if you can amend the lease to get his name off (if you can afford it on your own), or get your name off it and find your own place... Save up to pay the cancellation fee and cancel the cell phones or see if you can transfer it to an individual account without his name on it. There are options, you may just need to take a deep breath and think outside the box.
Not sure about the dogs, but, IMO they'd be better off with you than with him, since he's taken off and left them to go on a bender.
Man! To be 26 again. XAH was just my live-in boyfriend at the time, he was 32; I'd just quit my (really good) job (with ample opportunity to advance) and moved with him to Washington State - about 2000 miles away, because his job (as a mover) transferred him there. I was 'helping' him pay off his debt and trying to get him to be responsible with 'our' money. I was also having to put all 'our' debt into my name, because his credit s-cked.
To be 26 and realize what you, at 26, already realize about your boyfriend's alcoholism - well, I envy you.
I don't say this glibly: Of course the pain will go away. Just like it went away after the first crush ended. It hurts like hell, but it will fade. You'll get through this and you'll be stronger and know a bit more about yourself as a result.
Not sure about the dogs, but, IMO they'd be better off with you than with him, since he's taken off and left them to go on a bender.
Man! To be 26 again. XAH was just my live-in boyfriend at the time, he was 32; I'd just quit my (really good) job (with ample opportunity to advance) and moved with him to Washington State - about 2000 miles away, because his job (as a mover) transferred him there. I was 'helping' him pay off his debt and trying to get him to be responsible with 'our' money. I was also having to put all 'our' debt into my name, because his credit s-cked.
To be 26 and realize what you, at 26, already realize about your boyfriend's alcoholism - well, I envy you.
I don't say this glibly: Of course the pain will go away. Just like it went away after the first crush ended. It hurts like hell, but it will fade. You'll get through this and you'll be stronger and know a bit more about yourself as a result.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
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welcome and hope you find support here. if you feel ready to reclaim the rest of your life, then go for it, put you first. there is lot of support here.
i was with ex A for 14 years, met at 20, moved to his country at 21, joint mortgage, shelved college dreams and worked 2 jobs to bring money in, we never had enough money. started part time degree as well as 2 jobs and got pregnant with DD, very much wanted though. shelved college, went part time still 2 jobs though and life whizzed by. so many red flags there that others could see but i didn't and made the best of it.
2nd loan on house, credit card debt and bank loans all building and all cause i worked part time to raise our DD, irrelevant that he was made redundant 4 times in 8 years and had a failed business.
its more complicated or different with children, you consider access, their relationship with other parent. crunch came for me last year and we are out, rebuilding our lives.
he remains the same, its a fight to stay detached and smell the bull s**t that still flows, now Dd gets that too in the form of broken promises.
the weirdest thing in all this is i was so young it shaped me, well some of me, i don't know who i am and an learning that now. Hindsight is a wonderful skill, but i can only move forward and never back. its hard, time helps alot as does focusing on me.
someone in another thread mentioned feeling like the pain in their gut left them when they changed, it did me too.
its hard still but the future is brighter, i left with 2 of us paperwork and 2 suitcases, its amazing how much "stuff" you have in life which you can live without. its the mental stuff, baggage and suitcases full of it i wish i could have left behind.
i was mean at times and blamed for alot of his problems, i did contribute no doubt but am human and am generally a good person. i dont want to be the control freak, police, head teacher and psycho i was labelled and am learning every day. i am 36 now and starting my life again.
at least start living life for you and put your needs first, you deserve it, something i am learning now!
i was with ex A for 14 years, met at 20, moved to his country at 21, joint mortgage, shelved college dreams and worked 2 jobs to bring money in, we never had enough money. started part time degree as well as 2 jobs and got pregnant with DD, very much wanted though. shelved college, went part time still 2 jobs though and life whizzed by. so many red flags there that others could see but i didn't and made the best of it.
2nd loan on house, credit card debt and bank loans all building and all cause i worked part time to raise our DD, irrelevant that he was made redundant 4 times in 8 years and had a failed business.
its more complicated or different with children, you consider access, their relationship with other parent. crunch came for me last year and we are out, rebuilding our lives.
he remains the same, its a fight to stay detached and smell the bull s**t that still flows, now Dd gets that too in the form of broken promises.
the weirdest thing in all this is i was so young it shaped me, well some of me, i don't know who i am and an learning that now. Hindsight is a wonderful skill, but i can only move forward and never back. its hard, time helps alot as does focusing on me.
someone in another thread mentioned feeling like the pain in their gut left them when they changed, it did me too.
its hard still but the future is brighter, i left with 2 of us paperwork and 2 suitcases, its amazing how much "stuff" you have in life which you can live without. its the mental stuff, baggage and suitcases full of it i wish i could have left behind.
i was mean at times and blamed for alot of his problems, i did contribute no doubt but am human and am generally a good person. i dont want to be the control freak, police, head teacher and psycho i was labelled and am learning every day. i am 36 now and starting my life again.
at least start living life for you and put your needs first, you deserve it, something i am learning now!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Forgive yourself for being angry and being mean to him. It's normal to be hurt and in pain/frustration with an A. You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had.
I'm sorry there is a financial tie...I'm sure he LOOOOVES having that tie to you.
BIG HUG
I'm sorry there is a financial tie...I'm sure he LOOOOVES having that tie to you.
BIG HUG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
thank you everyone, this really is tough. i am so torn between missing him and being glad he is out of my life. i doubt everything constantly. the financial tie is awful. and like others said, he had a well paying job (bartender at a busy place- of course) and i allowed myself to become financially dependent on him while going through graduate school. he had awful credit, and i cleaned up SO MUCH of his debt. i sat with him while doctors urged him to quit drinking. he has walked away from all of the bills we had together, leaving me to take care of everything.
this site and my mom has been the only true support i've had. going through a breakup is so much different when its with an alcoholic. especially one that is on a constant bender. i just feel so betrayed and hurt. its amazing how some days i do so well and am happy that he is gone. other days i cry and lay in bed, i think i am still in a lot of shock. its been hard coming to terms with not only the breakup, but the fact that he abused me for years. its like, i cant believe i ignored it, put up with it, and let it go on for so many years. i felt like it was the best i could do, because when he was sober he was really wonderful. but he wasn't sober very often. this is all so sad to me, but i know its for the best. just trying to take it day by day. thank you all for your support!
this site and my mom has been the only true support i've had. going through a breakup is so much different when its with an alcoholic. especially one that is on a constant bender. i just feel so betrayed and hurt. its amazing how some days i do so well and am happy that he is gone. other days i cry and lay in bed, i think i am still in a lot of shock. its been hard coming to terms with not only the breakup, but the fact that he abused me for years. its like, i cant believe i ignored it, put up with it, and let it go on for so many years. i felt like it was the best i could do, because when he was sober he was really wonderful. but he wasn't sober very often. this is all so sad to me, but i know its for the best. just trying to take it day by day. thank you all for your support!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Like i said..YOUR POST IS EXACLLY MY STORY It has been 3 months now and I still cry everyday. I think I cry mostly for the time I lost, The best friend I lost, The dreams I lost and the hope for my future with him. I hear a lot of people say on these threads, “when he was sober he was amazing but when he drank or was on pills, he was mean or wasn’t there at all and I felt alone. But damn those good times were amazing” I think what happens after a while being with someone like this is, the addict makes up for lost time almost and is extra sweet and loving in his sober moments to keep us going. Its like we take the crumbs of affection they feed us and call it a feast. The highs are SO HIGH in love and the lows are so low that we keep riding on HOPE they will change and around and around we go.
I know people say in time it will get better I just pray it will. Right now, I have accepted the fact we are better off apart then together but DAMN TO I MISS HIM. The thing that I am dealing with more then missing him, is the other women he claims he loves now right after we broke up. Jelsousy is a bitch and it makes me want him back, I just have to keep reminding myself..I CANT CHANGE HIM. Stay strong, we are all in this together! THANK GOD for these forms, I have no idea what I would do without them. Reading them everyday helps me cope with that feeling of what I lost and the dreams we shared because of his actions.
I know people say in time it will get better I just pray it will. Right now, I have accepted the fact we are better off apart then together but DAMN TO I MISS HIM. The thing that I am dealing with more then missing him, is the other women he claims he loves now right after we broke up. Jelsousy is a bitch and it makes me want him back, I just have to keep reminding myself..I CANT CHANGE HIM. Stay strong, we are all in this together! THANK GOD for these forms, I have no idea what I would do without them. Reading them everyday helps me cope with that feeling of what I lost and the dreams we shared because of his actions.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
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The good news is that you are here now, and your new life starts TODAY and it will be a better tomorrow, now you have experience and you will see red flags, maybe in recovery you will find true love because you will attract just that, true love does not hurt, maybe is a little boring but reliable and emotially there for you, the emptiness will be fulfil with love and fear will be replaced with faith.
You will be fine, just don't go back to the past. take care of yourself.The pain will go away!
You will be fine, just don't go back to the past. take care of yourself.The pain will go away!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 47
oh bailey, i am going though the same thing right now! I go through waves of guilt for how I reacted during this mess (the last 4 years, been together 6 yrs), I was NOT calm, and how I turned into a psycho controlling mad woman. Why do we torture ourselves? We know in our heart that this/he will never change, it will only get worse, yet like justrae says, we ride on the highs of the relationship.
What if we let go of this emotional craziness, and open ourselves to a relationship (whether with ourselves, friends, or new boy/girlfriend) in which we experience the highs ALL THE TIME, or most of the time I would be satisfied with.
I just found incriminating texts (yes, snooping, gathering ammo, I call it) on his phone yesterday, and kicked him out. He has a way of twisting things to make ME feel bad. Then I start second guessing, doubting my decision, when I KNOW I HAVE NO (good)FUTURE with this man.
Stay strong, this forum helps. I am new, so i love reading all of the advice from those who have been though the same, and there is a lot of us!!!! And every single one says give it time, you will have your peace and love
Good luck, the first steps are the hardest, i am there with you!
What if we let go of this emotional craziness, and open ourselves to a relationship (whether with ourselves, friends, or new boy/girlfriend) in which we experience the highs ALL THE TIME, or most of the time I would be satisfied with.
I just found incriminating texts (yes, snooping, gathering ammo, I call it) on his phone yesterday, and kicked him out. He has a way of twisting things to make ME feel bad. Then I start second guessing, doubting my decision, when I KNOW I HAVE NO (good)FUTURE with this man.
Stay strong, this forum helps. I am new, so i love reading all of the advice from those who have been though the same, and there is a lot of us!!!! And every single one says give it time, you will have your peace and love
Good luck, the first steps are the hardest, i am there with you!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
good luck to all of you that are going through or have gone through this. i keep reminding myself that i cannot control him. so many things from the past keep resurfacing (bad things) that make me realize how i cannot be with someone like him. and yes i too was a psycho controlling mad woman at times. i wanted out for months, and now that im here its like "wow, here we go..." of course the financial tie allows him to pop into my life here and there, but NOT forever!
i read some old posts from a woman going through something similar several years ago. she kept several updates on her situation, and after about 2 years she had updated that she recently got married, and was expecting a child, with a new man who was not an alcoholic. she seemed as desperate and lonely as i was when she was with the alcoholic and now she was happy, moved on, and with a new man that was no longer causing her problems and pain. it brought me to tears, i hope for that one day. just keep telling yourselves you deserve better! strength and hugs to all!
i read some old posts from a woman going through something similar several years ago. she kept several updates on her situation, and after about 2 years she had updated that she recently got married, and was expecting a child, with a new man who was not an alcoholic. she seemed as desperate and lonely as i was when she was with the alcoholic and now she was happy, moved on, and with a new man that was no longer causing her problems and pain. it brought me to tears, i hope for that one day. just keep telling yourselves you deserve better! strength and hugs to all!
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