eaglegroup

I have searched high and low for threads of individuals in my wife's and my predicament, to no avail. Here is our situation:

My brother in law (wifes brother) and his wife, both in their early 40's, with three beautiful little girls, ages 5, 9 & 10, live only one block from us, and our daughter and their kids attend the same school.

Both my brother in law and his wife are raging alcoholics (brother in law admits he has a problem, but has never reached out for help) his wife does not admit it and blames her excess drinking on her husband, due to continual marital problems (which I blame squarely on both of their drinking).

The Brother in law has lost numerous jobs due to non-performance and drinking issues. On the rare occassions he is sober, he is intelligent & focused. However, when he is drinking, which is lately, every day, he is the complete opposite. This past week, his wife was out, he was home with the kids. At approximately 10:30 P.M., we received a call from our niece (his 10 yr old daughter) panicked, crying and scared because, as she put it, her dad was drunk and wouldn't wake up (my wife ended up going over to their house until the mother came home, she too was drunk when she got home).

My sister in law, the Thursday, before Christmas, was out alone at a girls only ornament pary, and on her way home passed out drunk a block from their house and hit a parked car, severe damage done to both cars. The police let her off with a failure to control. A few months earlier, we had family over, except them, due to their drinking, my sister law, severly intoxicated, came to our house and confronted my wife about not being invited. She was with 2 of her daughters, and I was upstairs, so I wasnt around when she was there. I did see her, and her daughters walking home, down our street, only to see her fall 3 times, and watch her daughters pick her up. She blames her drinking on her husband and "all that he has put her through" with the job losses

Just this past week, on St. Patricks day, they got hotel rooms downtown, for her family, not ours (thank god). From what we gather she was passed out by 4 PM. When my brother in law went to wake her up at 8PM, a fight ensued with pushing and shoving by both of them. Her siblings confronted them both, but really nothing was done. This fight was in full sight of their little kids.

There are so many other stories, there isn't enough room not time for me to detail their drinking stories.

Hence, my question and search for advice. I have pleaded with my wife to explain to them both that they each have alcohol addictive issues, and we would stand behind them and support them if they seek recovery. However, until that happens, we do not want them to be part of our lives, nor do we wish to be part of theirs. What makes this difficult is their proximity to our home (they only live a block away, and their kids and our daughter go to the same school, and their eldest daughter and our daughter are in the same grade and class). Futhermore, we do not want to abandon our nieces, especially when the call for help, due to their parents drinking issues. What makes this more difficult, is my wife is not buying into this idea of detaching our lives from theirs.

Any advice any help would be greatly appreciated.

fourmaggie

have any of you gone to AL ANON...al anon effects EVERYONE...time to start going...all of you...

I am sorry i have no help for you...read all the stickies and read some more of this disease....

IMO...its time that the neice can call 911..no harm/shame in that, when there is problems of one spouse out and the other past out...time to start...

fourmaggie

3C's

you did not cause this
there is no control
and there is no cure

SoaringSpirits

CALL CPS and report them each time you see them drunk and putting the kids in danger. A history of CPS reports, even if unsubstantiated, can make the difference in something positive happening for those kids.

What they are doing to their children is unspeakable. Screw the parents, they are adults, but do whatever you can to help those kids.

Having your children put into custody can be the ultimate intervention.

Florence

Yes. Yes. Yes.

naive

that's tough that your wife isn't on-board. perhaps suggest that the two of you go to alanon together, so that she can get educated on how best to handle this situation.

as for the children, well, something must be done.

eaglegroup

Thanks to all who responded.......Alanon will never happen, there is no way to convince my wife to go; CPS is a great idea, but isn't by the time they respond, the issue will be gone?; If I tell my niece to call 911 she will tell her parents I told her this, and believe you me, in my wifes family I will be the bad guy

PaperDolls

If you call CPS each time and report your concern, something will eventually happen.

Also, just because your wife won't attend Alanon doesn't mean you can't.

wicked

I was raised by an alcoholic, and I still have issues today. I am 52 years old.
Please, for the kids, suck it up and be the bad guy. You are an adult and you see what is happening. I wonder how many adults , including family, saw what me and my siblings were putting up with and just didn't want to be seen as "the tattletale" or the bad guy.

I know how those kids felt, picking up their drunken mother to take her home.
The shame, hatred, guilt and embarrassment were overwhelming sometime.
Then, those feelings became mine, and I drank to drown them.

Maybe the drunks and their supporters will call you a bad guy, but you would be saving those kids years of heartache.
Did you read the adult children of alcoholics forum?
You can see what happens when kids are left with an alcoholic.

Beth

SoaringSpirits

I'm a former foster parent and I adopted my 2 foster kids. My kids went through years of "not so bad" neglect and abuse before finally entering the system at ages 8 and 9. What tipped the scales for them is that somebody thought to look at the CPS call history on them. There were about 12 "unsubstantiated" reports over the course of their lives --- neighbors who thought the kids looked dirty or hungry. People who heard mom raging at them. Over and over CPS came out, interviewed mom & the kids (who said nothing; they would protect her), and marked "unsubstantiated" on the report. But this history of call after call added up over time. When at last something 'big' happened, CPS looked at that call history and that made all the difference.

Teachers are mandated reporters, meaning they are legally obligated to report suspected child abuse to authorities. Teachers are the #1 source of CPS reports. Perhaps you can discuss the situation with your child's teacher and they can put a call in to CPS.

These kids are in a living hell and you have the power to do something about it. Imagine yourself having a conversation with your niece/nephew someday when they are 18 or 20 and struggling with the legacy of living at the hands of addicts. Will you be willing to say then "I could have helped you, but hey, I did not want to be the bad guy."

Will you?

eaglegroup

Thanks for that advice

wicked

Thank you eaglegroup for your concern about the children.
If your wife will not go to AlAnon, maybe you could find a group online?
It must be tough to be one of the few people who can "see" this is not right.
Alcoholism sucks for everybody.

Beth

eaglegroup

It is though you are reading my mind. I have tried to convince my mother in law and my wife, that at all family functions, state clearly to all, no alcohol will be provided and do not bring any alcohol or don't come. They have told me that noone would come (including wifes other brother and sister). I keep telling them, well than that is their choice.

My other brother in law believes the alcoholic brother in law does not have a problem, he just needs to grow up.

My sister in law is so far removed, and so selfish she doesn't care.

So yes, I do feel as though I am the only one who "sees" it.

Although I do care about my alcoholic brother in law and his alcoholic wife.....I look out for their kids the most as they are victims

FedUpWith2Brats

With loss of jobs a regular thing, who is paying their bills, their mortgage or rent? Are the kids being fed properly? Have you seen the inside of their home lately? If possible, I would check it out, then go ahead and call CPS, the principal and the school social worker. They all are mandated to investigate or report suspected neglect or abuse, and the more calls from different sources the sooner those poor kids will get help. Also, if they go to church, contact their pastor and explain your concerns.
Your nieces see you as their safe zone, please don't take that away from them. You and your wife are all they have in this scary world to help them, so please, HELP THEM. Even if it means requesting temporary emergency custody until the parents are able to be parents, do something, anything. And above all, don't tell the parents your intentions, there is a good chance they will up and leave and then those girls will really be in some serious danger. I know this is a tough problem, but unfortunately when a family member drinks, the whole family is affected. It sounds like your wife can't stand the thought of getting her brother in trouble, so you need to be the bad guy. If you are afraid of upsetting your wife, then this once I would say---
Don't tell your wife you made phone calls, do them anonymously, or even send a bunch of unsigned letters to the proper authorities. Please, do not just turn your head, those girls need you, and to heck with the parents. You have the chance to change 3 young lives, don't be afraid to step forward and take action.

wicked

Okay, it does sound like it is you against all the other drinkers and enablers.
No family functions without alcohol, wow, I know that family.
Maybe you could let the kids know that you can "see" something is up, and they can talk to you. From there, you could give them info about talking to school counselors, or going to Alateen if possible (online)?. Just knowing someone is on their side (but not against the parents) would be a great load off their back.
And especially, it is not their fault. None of it is their fault.

Beth

eaglegroup

All great ideas, and you are right it is me against all alcoholics and all enablers. It's to the point now where i am considering telling my wife i will refuse to go to any family functions where alocohol is there.

The kids maybe a little young for alateen, thay are 10, 8 and 5

LucyA

eagle, I've been right where you are now.
It's not easy but stick with it!
My whole family decided not to talk to me for about six months after I got Social Services involved with my brother and my nephew, it was no big deal at the time, well, yes it was, my own mother and father didn't speak to me, it hurt! But I didn't have the drama and I had some breathing and thinking space to use.
I followed my gut feelings and now I'm glad I did.
I have to add I didn't have a SO at the time, so all my decisions were my own, it's probably different when you share the decisions and your A's are in laws, but that doesn't change the children's situation.

Alanonic

If you believe in God, get on your knees and pray.

Florence

According to the therapists we've seen, validating the kids' knowledge that this is not normal or okay behavior is key. Intervene if you can. Be the fun uncle who is interested in the children's lives. Offer to have movie night for the kids at your house if you know the family get-together is going to be a boozefest. Offer to have them over to your house a few nights a month just for fun. Be the safe place.

Call CPS when things are getting sketchy. Just do it, they are required to investigate, and it's unethical NOT to call when you know things are going terribly wrong for them. They can't protect themselves, they don't have the tools or the language. You do.

MeredithD1

hi Eagle - and as a child of a mentally ill parent who also was addicted to those speedy diet pills that used to be prescribed around the late sixties (talk about MANIA) I wanted to reiterate what has been said about supporting the children.

One thing I personally would add from my own experience, allow those children to truly TRUST you by not trying to work out what they tell you, with their parents. Or they will not be able to tell you anything again. Parents who act like they do, operate under this "don't ask don't tell" rule, and they would likely do some tough "discipline" if they felt their children were "revealing the family secrets" to anyone.

Reporting to authorities anonymously and consistently would help too, as has been said above - I have nothing new to add in that regard, just supporting what's been said.

Thanks for being willing. Sorry you can't find support from others in the family. I know it can make you feel alone. Al Anon would be useful to help you with that "alone" feeling, for sure. You can tell from SR here that you are surely NOT alone.