Ms.TimmyV

I hope this is in the right spot, but if it's not, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I am the recovering addict/alkie. I am very, VERY self aware. I know when I'm back-sliding, I know when I'm not working my program, etc. and I do NOT wanna go back there. I check myself often, and work on my issues a lot.

BUT that leaves my husband. I think he may have some co-dependency issues going on. I got myself together because I wanted to have a normal family life (among other things of course) and I didn't want all the drama and aggravation. Now that's under control, and I'm not blinded by my own craziness, I can see a little bit more now, especially when it comes to my husband.

My husband avoids confrontation like the plague. He would rather lose his arm than fight to keep it. Our neighbor crashed into our car and ran. I had to go deal with it. The neighbor's kids took toys from the backyard, so I was the one that had to go get them. He will complain about it, but won't do anything about it; he'll come and tell me so I'll deal with it. He'd rather let people tear up his stuff and take advantage of him instead of fighting for it...but you would never know it by the way he talks though. He's good at hiding that fact.

He refuses to ask for help. Instead, he will drop hints that he needs it. Yesterday he said to me, 'I'm going to work on the shed,' while staring at me with a look of expectation. I said to him, 'Does that mean you need my help?'
And of course he says yes. I don't mind helping, but just ask me! I always have to piece together hints and innuendos to figure out what he wants. When I confront him about it he gets super defensive, starts yelling at me and telling me that's not how he speaks. He says that he's not a mean and nasty person so he'd rather be indirect and leave hints. It makes me not even want to speak to him because I hate playing mind reader.

I feel like I have to read minds, follow a bread crumb trail to figure out what my husband wants and needs, fight the battles of the family, work on my own issues, and be OK will all of that. I have just kept my mouth shut about it since before I got sober I put him through a lot, but it's been five years now! How much longer do I have to do this?

I know I can't control him and I have no desire to, but I would just like to know what's going on in his head so I can be better prepared to deal with it.

Any suggestions?

m1k3

I tend to avoid conflict as much as I can as well. In my case it is because I grew up in an alcoholic family. My father was the A and my mom was a codie queen. So avoiding conflict was simply a self defense mechanism. With my AF things could turn violent at the drop of a hat and then you would get punished for "making" him hit you. My mom liked to use me as a pawn in her dominance games with him but had no problem throwing me under the bus to protect herself. So at a young age I was taught conflict was a lose lose situation.

It my be something like this with him or it may be after years of dealing with an AW his self esteem is not very high and/or it could be a defense mechanism with him as well.

Your friend,

EnglishGarden

My guess is that one day in his history, he asserted himself and he paid dearly for it. Maybe when he was a child. Or a teen. Maybe even with you and you don't remember.

But when people suffer terrible consequences, are punished verbally or emotionally, when they try to stand up for themselves, sometimes they never try again.

He may never change. Can you love the other 98% of him?