Balancing Act
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Balancing Act
Wow, I have just had a very interesting two weeks with my RAS and am looking to you all for some insight and maybe some support. I have been very careful about my enabling tendencies and have been trying so hard to make sure that I am accurate distinquishing between enabling and appropriate support.
Just have to say...this is really hard stuff. I can stop myself from jumping in to help or offer solutions. Find myself saying to him over and over again that "I am sure he will make the right decisions for himself". And I still worry and spin on my own after talking to him when I know he is making really good decisions right now and taking responsibility.
It is just that once in awhile I get these authentic calls from him where he is telling me how stressed out he is.....how overwhelmed he is feeling. Then is does go on to tell me how he is dealing with these feelings. It is just that while I do feel he is really doing his best and working at his recovery these honest admissions of how difficult it all is .... well .... they keep me up at night. I don't react and jump in .... but I still can't stop myself from worrying. Amazing though...I hear from him a few days later and life is bright and positive for him because he has worked through it all. I try to work through it all too on my own ..... do pretty well....but honestly until I hear the lightness back in his voice I can't relax.
Is this healthy? I mean it doesn't get in the way of my living my life and doing what I enjoy and what I need to do. I am so very careful not to be jumping in to try to control any part of his life......we have our terms defined clearly on practical matters. It is just that I have the wonderful sense of relief when I hear he is ok, healthy and engaged in things to support himself.
Hard thing sometimes I think to understand the parent/child bond.......probably no easy answer here.
I just think that after being in that crisis mode of defining boundries and first establishing what we will do and what we won't there is a big gap in an understanding of how to manage a relationship with someone in positive active recovery. My boundries are intact and so are his....he and I are clear on the responsibilities on both sides......what I am unclear on is how best to manage the emotions around all of that.
Sorry if I am not being very clear.....there are a lot of emotional components to all of this that are difficult to articulate. I am most interested to get feedback from other parents who struggle with the balance between support and not enabling.
Whew.......who knew love would be so difficult.....
Thank you....
Just have to say...this is really hard stuff. I can stop myself from jumping in to help or offer solutions. Find myself saying to him over and over again that "I am sure he will make the right decisions for himself". And I still worry and spin on my own after talking to him when I know he is making really good decisions right now and taking responsibility.
It is just that once in awhile I get these authentic calls from him where he is telling me how stressed out he is.....how overwhelmed he is feeling. Then is does go on to tell me how he is dealing with these feelings. It is just that while I do feel he is really doing his best and working at his recovery these honest admissions of how difficult it all is .... well .... they keep me up at night. I don't react and jump in .... but I still can't stop myself from worrying. Amazing though...I hear from him a few days later and life is bright and positive for him because he has worked through it all. I try to work through it all too on my own ..... do pretty well....but honestly until I hear the lightness back in his voice I can't relax.
Is this healthy? I mean it doesn't get in the way of my living my life and doing what I enjoy and what I need to do. I am so very careful not to be jumping in to try to control any part of his life......we have our terms defined clearly on practical matters. It is just that I have the wonderful sense of relief when I hear he is ok, healthy and engaged in things to support himself.
Hard thing sometimes I think to understand the parent/child bond.......probably no easy answer here.
I just think that after being in that crisis mode of defining boundries and first establishing what we will do and what we won't there is a big gap in an understanding of how to manage a relationship with someone in positive active recovery. My boundries are intact and so are his....he and I are clear on the responsibilities on both sides......what I am unclear on is how best to manage the emotions around all of that.
Sorry if I am not being very clear.....there are a lot of emotional components to all of this that are difficult to articulate. I am most interested to get feedback from other parents who struggle with the balance between support and not enabling.
Whew.......who knew love would be so difficult.....
Thank you....
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I think that is wonderful! I appreciate this post as I am trying to determine how to detach with love and not swoop in with the answer all the time. I hope to have an open, honest relationship with my son when he is ready to take that step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Thank you everyone for the positive reenforcement. I guess you are right....part of being a parent 
Just hope with time it starts to get a little easier.....by that I guess I mean relaxing about things more quickly and trusting my reactions more readily.
Really appreciate all of you and your sharing; helps a lot!
Hugs to all....
Just hope with time it starts to get a little easier.....by that I guess I mean relaxing about things more quickly and trusting my reactions more readily.
Really appreciate all of you and your sharing; helps a lot!
Hugs to all....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
I have this same problem. My son is doing really well and when he hits a snag and tells me about it I start awfulizing. It's all I can do to just let out a "What are you going to do about it?" and then bite my tongue.
It's such a relief when he comes back and says that it's taken care of.
I don't always say/do the right things, but this forum has upped my codie batting average immensley.
It's such a relief when he comes back and says that it's taken care of.
I don't always say/do the right things, but this forum has upped my codie batting average immensley.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
BeavsDad....love that word "awfulizing"......just sums it up nicely. Glad to hear that you are doing well with the situation. Isn't that relief feeling just the best. I try not to focus on wanting that feeling too much; but I do.
I agree that reading on this site and sharing helps so much; I think I will think of it as batting practice (I am a sucker for baseball analogies).
Best to you and all of us as we find our way through this!
I agree that reading on this site and sharing helps so much; I think I will think of it as batting practice (I am a sucker for baseball analogies).
Best to you and all of us as we find our way through this!
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Cangel2, at some stage I realized the biggest reason I wanted to help my son so much, was because I didn't trust him to be able to work through problems himself. Once that dawned on me, it was much easier to trust that he will find within himself the strength to deal with whatever he is going through.
I think it is similar to parents wanting to do their kids homework. We just don't trust them to do it well themselves. I think they can sense this mistrust and it doesn't help much with their confidence in their own abilities. It sounds like your son already has the coping skills and you are doing well too.
I think it is similar to parents wanting to do their kids homework. We just don't trust them to do it well themselves. I think they can sense this mistrust and it doesn't help much with their confidence in their own abilities. It sounds like your son already has the coping skills and you are doing well too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Sunshine...so agree with you.
Most of the problems I am trying to navigate through are around his exerting and wanting to be independent and the reality that I am still supporting him financially.
My terms are that he stays sober to get the support. What I failed to realize when I made that deal that there are a lot of other things that go on too other than being sober. That was my bottomline.....I just neglected to define the inbetween stuff; which are largely undefinable until they happen. Really....someone in early recovery needs to adopt a puppy! That kind of stuff plus some legal issues which he wants to handle totally on his own even though I am footing the bill.
Feeling a little bit of a fraud in my approach....you can do it on your own so long as I know what is going on every step of the way. So not appropriate on my part. Takes some thought and a lot of stepping back.
About the homework thing....don't even get me started. I remember my daughter doing her science project according to the rules and getting a C on it. It was amazing to see the power point and computer graphing skills of the other 4th graders. She got marked down for lumpy pasting skills of hand drawn graphs. Years later we look back on that and can almost smile about it......what she and her brother did in school was their work....aside for drilling for test support and constructive criticism of papers that they could use for their end products this parent stayed out of it. Perhaps this helps me in understanding helping vs enabling......I would like to think so.
Most of the problems I am trying to navigate through are around his exerting and wanting to be independent and the reality that I am still supporting him financially.
My terms are that he stays sober to get the support. What I failed to realize when I made that deal that there are a lot of other things that go on too other than being sober. That was my bottomline.....I just neglected to define the inbetween stuff; which are largely undefinable until they happen. Really....someone in early recovery needs to adopt a puppy! That kind of stuff plus some legal issues which he wants to handle totally on his own even though I am footing the bill.
Feeling a little bit of a fraud in my approach....you can do it on your own so long as I know what is going on every step of the way. So not appropriate on my part. Takes some thought and a lot of stepping back.
About the homework thing....don't even get me started. I remember my daughter doing her science project according to the rules and getting a C on it. It was amazing to see the power point and computer graphing skills of the other 4th graders. She got marked down for lumpy pasting skills of hand drawn graphs. Years later we look back on that and can almost smile about it......what she and her brother did in school was their work....aside for drilling for test support and constructive criticism of papers that they could use for their end products this parent stayed out of it. Perhaps this helps me in understanding helping vs enabling......I would like to think so.
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