How can I stop my enabling behaviour?
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How can I stop my enabling behaviour?
My best friend is a drug addict. When I met him, he just lost his job and was about to be evicted from his apartment. He told me that he was hustling for money so he could buy drugs. He asked for my help in dealing with his drug addiction and I let him stay in my place. I told him that he has to stop selling himself for sex. Now i am in a dilemma. He has no source of income and i don't want him to hustle. If I give him money, he won't have to hustle and he doesn't risk getting busted by cops since he uses in my place, If I don't give him money, he will hustle so he can buy drugs and would use drugs in the streets. I had to choose the lesser evil and give him money. I don't want him to hustle anymore because I want to bring some dignity back to his life. I know I am an enabler by doing this. Do I have other choices? Please advice me. Thanks.
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There are so many wonderful links and sources on the board. So, poke around a bit!
I'm really not an expert, but I will say this: you giving him money means he's home free and can live high on the hog with your financial support. In short, he has no reason to quit.
I'm really not an expert, but I will say this: you giving him money means he's home free and can live high on the hog with your financial support. In short, he has no reason to quit.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Really? The part that is the real issue is you are OK with him using in your home and continuing in addiction. There is no 'lesser' evil. Only he can bring dignity back to his life. Check out the codependency forum. And other choices...you bet you have other choices! Tell him to leave.
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Originally Posted by takdeer 
My best friend is a drug addict. When I met him, he just lost his job and was about to be evicted from his apartment. He told me that he was hustling for money so he could buy drugs. He asked for my help in dealing with his drug addiction and I let him stay in my place. I told him that he has to stop selling himself for sex. Now i am in a dilemma. He has no source of income and i don't want him to hustle. If I give him money, he won't have to hustle and he doesn't risk getting busted by cops since he uses in my place, If I don't give him money, he will hustle so he can buy drugs and would use drugs in the streets. I had to choose the lesser evil and give him money. I don't want him to hustle anymore because I want to bring some dignity back to his life. I know I am an enabler by doing this. Do I have other choices? Please advice me. Thanks.
You're in a pickle. I understand why you did what you did. And you're self aware enough to know you're enabling him. So you must see how things will progress should you continue to enable him.
You must understand he is very, very sick. And until he decides to seek recovery, things will never get any better and things will progressive get worse. The question you have to ask yourself is what you're going to do to protect yourself and save your sanity. Will you pay a price for that? Sure. But I can assure you that if you keep doing what you're doing, you're not only hurting him, you're hurting yourself. You can't stop him from using or selling his body. You can stop how you react to it.
Please be safe.
ZoSo
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To Zombiewife and Joyseeker,
Thanks for your replies. The only reason why I am helping him is because I can see that he is trying his best to quit. He always tells me that he wants a better life free of drugs and has never stopped hoping. He put himself in detox. He went to a treatment facility but relapsed. His addiction is only one of the problems. He has emotional issues stemming from his childhood, he has bipolar disorder and he cannot handle stress.
Thanks for your replies. The only reason why I am helping him is because I can see that he is trying his best to quit. He always tells me that he wants a better life free of drugs and has never stopped hoping. He put himself in detox. He went to a treatment facility but relapsed. His addiction is only one of the problems. He has emotional issues stemming from his childhood, he has bipolar disorder and he cannot handle stress.
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Originally Posted by takdeer
He has emotional issues stemming from his childhood, he has bipolar disorder and he cannot handle stress.
Please. Protect yourself. You can't save him.
ZoSo
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You are "powerless" over HIS poor choices....
Hello TakDeer....I can certainly understand your concern regarding your best friend. It's not a crime to care....
However.....
The fact that he lost his job and was about to be evicted from his apartment upon meeting him, indicates to me anyway, that his life was already becoming unmanageble before you were even in it...
You mentioned in your post that he was hustling for money so he can buy drugs?
Please forgive me,for I don't intend to be harsh, but for your sake, it sounds to me that he's very good at manipulating others, which unfortunatley is a classic sign of an addict....
Selling his body is besides the point here....
The MAIN issue which is contributing to all his dysfunctional behaviors is the fact that he is an addict.
May I politely ask you why any of this is your dilemma?
It's truly not.....
Unfortunately, giving him money, a roof over his head, etc....is NOT going to prevent this man from using...
Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was that easy?
But, I'm afraid it isn't that simple...
Do you have choices??
Yes, you sure do!
Remember it is ok to care about your friend, just not at your expense...
In my experience, the best way to help him is to start by helping yourself.
Before, I understood what addiction was all about, I remember feeling the same way you are feeling now...
Of course, you would like for him to re-gain some of his diginity, but he has to want that for himself....
I'm sure you have nothing but the very best of intentions for him, but bailing him out and doing things for him that he ought to be doing for himself, is certainly not going to increase his self-dignity.
So, having said all of that...
You have some very important choices to make....
Would you consider attending an Al-anon meeting?
If so, go there and tell your story...
The people there, as well as here won't tell you what to do, but we all can help you figure out a soultion that's best for you...
Remember, you're important too!
I am really proud of you for recognizing your enabling behavior...now you can make a choice to do something about it...
Best wishes....
Diva 76
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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"My best friend is a drug addict. When I met him, he just lost his job and was about to be evicted from his apartment. He told me that he was hustling for money so he could buy drugs. He asked for my help in dealing with his drug addiction and I let him stay in my place."
I find your behavior extremely odd and self defeating. (1) you just met an admitted addict and prostitute without a real job, yet you decided to let him move in with you (2) this is your best friend already, even under these circumstance (3) You gave him money (4)You are still letting him live with you.
I think the issue here is getting help for yourself first and foremost
take care
I find your behavior extremely odd and self defeating. (1) you just met an admitted addict and prostitute without a real job, yet you decided to let him move in with you (2) this is your best friend already, even under these circumstance (3) You gave him money (4)You are still letting him live with you.
I think the issue here is getting help for yourself first and foremost
take care
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Hi nikki sixx, we have been friends even before i met him that day when he was about to lose his job and evicted from his apartment. Actually, he became addicted to oxycontin after his work accident. Yes, for months, I supported him because he hasd no source of income. Now he is getting his settlement from WSIB (workplace safety and insurance board). He contributes to household expenses now even if he is still using. I should have posted a more complete picture of what happened. sorry for this.
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To Diva and everyone who gave their advice, thank you all very much. I know what I am doing is wrong. The only reason I am helping him is because he accepts that he needs help and he never stopped hoping to get a better life. I have never used drugs but I know how difficult it is to be an addict. It's like being trapped in a quick sand, sometimes the more you struggle to get out, the more you sink deeper. Somebody has to help you, especially if you want help. He is presently looking to stay in a transition house after which he hopes to enter another treatment facility here in Canada. Yes, he has been to other treatment centres in the past, but i feel i should never stop supporting him until he succeeds.
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Originally Posted by takdeer
T Somebody has to help you, especially if you want help.
Believe me when I say it's possible to love someone to death because I watched it firsthand in the little town I live in over a period of 15+ years.
As a long-term recovering codependent also, I highly recommend you find some Alanon or Naranon meetings to attend, get your hands on "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and please read through the sticky topics at the top of this forum.
Sending you hugs of support.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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[QUOTE][The only reason I am helping him is because he accepts that he needs help and he never stopped hoping to get a better life./QUOTE]
I'm a single mum to a toddler as her dad is an addict. I've never stopped hoping for a better life for us but it's not going to arrive on my doorstep. I've got to get out there and find it, starting with Families Anonymous meetings, counselling, domestic abuse services.. If I'm not prepared to do the work on ME, I won't get anywhere.
I'm a single mum to a toddler as her dad is an addict. I've never stopped hoping for a better life for us but it's not going to arrive on my doorstep. I've got to get out there and find it, starting with Families Anonymous meetings, counselling, domestic abuse services.. If I'm not prepared to do the work on ME, I won't get anywhere.
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Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. We can't "outsmart" it. As long as the addict has a comfortable place to use and someone to provide for their needs, they will continue to use.
I understand your thinking. I thought that way for a very very very long time to the detrement of myself, my son, and everyone in my family.
You asked the question "How can I stop my enabling behavior". First step is recognizing that your behavior is enabling and you've done that. The next step? Recognizing why you do it. The step after that? Changing your own behavior.
Unfortunately, being codependent and enabling is no different than being an addict. It's the same issue in many ways. Addicts use to relieve their pain or get pleasure. We enable to relieve our OWN pain or get pleasure out of helping. Together....a codependent and addict are a perfect storm. Both lives spiral into unmanagability. It is up to each individual, independently to make changes to stop the insanity.
When will you stop enabling? When you're good and ready. We codpendents usually eventually hit our bottom too.
gentle hugs
ke
I understand your thinking. I thought that way for a very very very long time to the detrement of myself, my son, and everyone in my family.
You asked the question "How can I stop my enabling behavior". First step is recognizing that your behavior is enabling and you've done that. The next step? Recognizing why you do it. The step after that? Changing your own behavior.
Unfortunately, being codependent and enabling is no different than being an addict. It's the same issue in many ways. Addicts use to relieve their pain or get pleasure. We enable to relieve our OWN pain or get pleasure out of helping. Together....a codependent and addict are a perfect storm. Both lives spiral into unmanagability. It is up to each individual, independently to make changes to stop the insanity.
When will you stop enabling? When you're good and ready. We codpendents usually eventually hit our bottom too.
gentle hugs
ke
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It took me a while to realize that they all will say they want to stop, 'cause they really do!
But his is still using so he is not ready to face the long hard road to recovery.
And you can't love him enough or spend enough of your hard earned money to help him until he really wants to.
HE HAS TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!! you are a great friend, but you can not help him.
But his is still using so he is not ready to face the long hard road to recovery.
And you can't love him enough or spend enough of your hard earned money to help him until he really wants to.
HE HAS TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!! you are a great friend, but you can not help him.
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I am a recovering alcoholic/addict for over 30+ continuous years now. I am a recovering codie for over 27+ continuous years now. I am a diabetic fighting to get my diabetes in remission for over 12 years now.
What you have described is the same thing as allowing me to live in your home, giving me whatever I wanted to eat (especially the sweets ie ice cream, cake, cookies, candy, etc) in unlimited quantities and then giving me higher and higher does of insulin. You would be KILLING ME.
Right now you are KILLING that friend of yours.
I finally found recovery when my WHOLE FAMILY and MY FRIENDS, led by my MOTHER said NO MORE, this is YOUR PROBLEM and only you can fix it. Do NOT try to call us, come to our homes, or steal from us. If you call, we will hang up on you, if you come to the door, we will close it in your face, and if you attempt to steal from us, we will call the police. And they meant it and STOOD BY THEIR GUNS.
That was early January of 1979 and it took me another 2 1/2 years with the last 1 1/2 years of that living on the streets to find recovery for myself.
To this day, I thank them every day. Now it is in my prayers as they are both deceased. However, that action on their part, no matter what else they did for me over the years (the money, the bail outs, etc) was THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME.
Please, please, find and attend some Alanon and Naranon meetings, to learn how to set some 'boundaries' for yourself and remove that man from your home.
You are not helping him, you are just delaying his demise.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
What you have described is the same thing as allowing me to live in your home, giving me whatever I wanted to eat (especially the sweets ie ice cream, cake, cookies, candy, etc) in unlimited quantities and then giving me higher and higher does of insulin. You would be KILLING ME.
Right now you are KILLING that friend of yours.
I finally found recovery when my WHOLE FAMILY and MY FRIENDS, led by my MOTHER said NO MORE, this is YOUR PROBLEM and only you can fix it. Do NOT try to call us, come to our homes, or steal from us. If you call, we will hang up on you, if you come to the door, we will close it in your face, and if you attempt to steal from us, we will call the police. And they meant it and STOOD BY THEIR GUNS.
That was early January of 1979 and it took me another 2 1/2 years with the last 1 1/2 years of that living on the streets to find recovery for myself.
To this day, I thank them every day. Now it is in my prayers as they are both deceased. However, that action on their part, no matter what else they did for me over the years (the money, the bail outs, etc) was THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME.
Please, please, find and attend some Alanon and Naranon meetings, to learn how to set some 'boundaries' for yourself and remove that man from your home.
You are not helping him, you are just delaying his demise.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Takdeer,
Thanks for clearing that up, I was thinking what the hec?
My dear son is dictated to shooting oxy, so I can understand what is going on for you.
After 7+ years of enabling his addiction and trying to "fix" his life, and 'love him back' to himself. I finally hit rock bottom, and had stop all contact with him and made him leave my home. He is now living on the streets, and the reason for that is that none of his family or even his friends will allow him to live with them because of his addiction and the behaviors that he displays because of it. The only people he has left are his addicted friends. He has emotionally and financially worn through everyone who cares about him.
Rest assured, he let everyone now, that when he was "back in the game" he would hate us all, but I think that if he ever chooses to recover,he may actually love us all for letting him fall on his own.
You said you would never stop supporting him until he succeeds, and you are a wonderful friend, but the only real loving support you can give him is to support his recovery efforts. This means, no money, no letting him stay there if he is using, no food, no favors. If you do, you are basically saying to him it is OK to use, and I will help you to continue to use- when you enable addicts. This, my friend it not the tough love your friend needs.
Thoughts and prayesr going out to you and your friend.
Thanks for clearing that up, I was thinking what the hec?
My dear son is dictated to shooting oxy, so I can understand what is going on for you.
After 7+ years of enabling his addiction and trying to "fix" his life, and 'love him back' to himself. I finally hit rock bottom, and had stop all contact with him and made him leave my home. He is now living on the streets, and the reason for that is that none of his family or even his friends will allow him to live with them because of his addiction and the behaviors that he displays because of it. The only people he has left are his addicted friends. He has emotionally and financially worn through everyone who cares about him.
Rest assured, he let everyone now, that when he was "back in the game" he would hate us all, but I think that if he ever chooses to recover,he may actually love us all for letting him fall on his own.
You said you would never stop supporting him until he succeeds, and you are a wonderful friend, but the only real loving support you can give him is to support his recovery efforts. This means, no money, no letting him stay there if he is using, no food, no favors. If you do, you are basically saying to him it is OK to use, and I will help you to continue to use- when you enable addicts. This, my friend it not the tough love your friend needs.
Thoughts and prayesr going out to you and your friend.
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To Everyone Who gave their valuable advice, I cannot thank you enough. I recognize my wrong behaviour and I am hopeful things can get better in the coming days. My friend is presently undergoing physiotherapy as a requirement by WSIB so he can go back to work. His settlement cheques are coming now and he is looking forward to stay in a sober housing near the hospital where he is doing his physio. He is just waiting to finish his physio and he will enter a private treatment centre. From the settlement that he is getting he will be able to afford paying for his treatment.
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Takdeer,
I only hope you know more about your own plans for the future as you do his
Remember, things will get better in the coming days, because of your choices, it should not be based on whether this friend follows through on recovery. That would be basing your happiness on his actions.
Be forewarned-- Here I am Captain Bring Down Again (I like to think of it as Captain Reality). Anyhow, the chances that he will go on a drug binge are almost certain because of the money he is getting. I really honestly hope not, just be prepared.
In addition, if he owes you money, put your hand out right away- as soon as he cashes that check.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted
I only hope you know more about your own plans for the future as you do his
Remember, things will get better in the coming days, because of your choices, it should not be based on whether this friend follows through on recovery. That would be basing your happiness on his actions.
Be forewarned-- Here I am Captain Bring Down Again (I like to think of it as Captain Reality). Anyhow, the chances that he will go on a drug binge are almost certain because of the money he is getting. I really honestly hope not, just be prepared.
In addition, if he owes you money, put your hand out right away- as soon as he cashes that check.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Your friend is an ADDICT!!!!!!!
Here is what addicts do:
He is stalling big time. It would be a good bet right now that as soon as he receives even just 1 check he will SPLIT and be gone buying dope. That is just what addicts do.
You will see no monetary amends from this guy until he has been sober several years and starts working on his financial amends. In the meantime he will continue to suck you dry, give you excuses why "the check" hasn't come yet, say "yeah yeah I am going to recovery 'as soon as' the money comes".
I would suggest you get a pair of 'hip boots' cause it is getting mighty deep in your place.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Here is what addicts do:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
You will see no monetary amends from this guy until he has been sober several years and starts working on his financial amends. In the meantime he will continue to suck you dry, give you excuses why "the check" hasn't come yet, say "yeah yeah I am going to recovery 'as soon as' the money comes".
I would suggest you get a pair of 'hip boots' cause it is getting mighty deep in your place.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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