SnowDaisy

Just thought I'd check in here, since things have not been going so well. Drank a bottle of gin this weekend but have not had a drink since Saturday night. I've been in a serious depression that has only been getting worse and worse.

My job is absolute torture. I have major issues at work and have been trying desperately to find another job, to no avail. I currently have an application in for a job that would be PERFECT for me, but I'm still waiting to hear. I'm already expecting to not get the job, just because that's how my life has been going lately, and I've been so depressed about that fact that I have to keep waking up and coming to work every day.

On top of that, boyfriend has been treating me like absolute crap. I haven't left him because I work with him, and breaking up would cause me more trouble that I don't need right now at work. But the constant verbal abuse has really been getting to me.

I have been so depressed lately I've just been in tears all the time. Even at work, I'm on the verge of tears for the majority of the day and occasionally go to the bathroom to cry for a few minutes, then get back to work. I want so bad just to have a fresh start, with new people, a new job, and no boyfriend, but I'm trapped right where I am unless I get this new job. I guess I'm just reaching out for a little support right now.

Holly7

Hey snowdaisy. i'm sorry you are going throught this right now. You will find lots of support here. It's important to take one day at a time. Try to concentrate on one thing at a time too.

CaiHong

Hi Sowdaisy

The gin may have a lot to do with how you are feeling coupled with the other circumstance.

All I can really say is that the drink is not helping any and you need to find support to stay sober. I use AA and this forum to stay sober.

I hope you get the Job, leave the boyfriend and continue not to drink.

All the best

CaiHong

2granddaughters

S.D. are you going to AA meetings?

Bob R

Threshold

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I've been crying at work too. When I think of how many of my coworkers show their sh*t at work, crying seems pretty tame. Many come to work drunk, or treat their coworkers like crap, or snap at customers etc. Me going off to sob for a few minutes is healthier for everyone me thinks!

I'm in a depression as well. I hope you get that new job and it's all you hope it will be, but even so, be gentle with yourself, change is stressful and give yourself time to adjust.

Booze is a depressant, so the biggest favor you can do yourself right now is to NOT drink.

eJoshua

Hang in there, I'm sure things will improve. I agree that staying sober is the best thing you can do for your mood right now. Have you talked to your doctor about your depression or gone to see a psychiatrist?

SnowDaisy

2granddaughers - No, I'm not going to AA meetings. I don't have a good excuse for why not, I just haven't wanted to.

Threshold - I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. It sucks how dysfunctional some workplaces can be.

eJoshua - I used to be on antidepressants but stopped years ago because they made me feel weird and I was worried about long-term effects (ironic, right?). I know that alcohol is a depressant, so I've really wanted to get some good sober time in before I even look at that option again.

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for Thursday. It's supposed to be a couples thing with my bf, but knowing him he won't show. I'm going regardless - can't wait actually.

eJoshua

For me, my depression and my alcohol abuse go hand in hand, so I had a hard time staying sober until I was able to address my depression at the same time. I found I was so depressed I didn't see the point in not drinking, so even when I would get some sober time under my belt I would start to wonder why I bothered trying and end up drinking again. It can be a vicious cycle.

zxcirce

This is EXACTLY my story. Exactly.

Snowdaisy, I agree that it's important to address both the depression and the drinking. It gives you a much better chance of succeeding!

SnowDaisy

I have now shut my office door because I can't turn off the waterworks. I hope this crap stops today, my eyes are already stinging and puffy and red.

One reason I haven't gotten back on antidepressants is because the one I found that worked best for me is Wellbutrin. They say not to take it while reducing alcohol consumption because it can increase the risk of seizures.

eJoshua

How about talking to your doctor about both your drinking and your depression. You can share with them your concerns about the risk of seizure and they will be able to give you some solid advice. I don't know if you have talked to your doctor about your drinking before, but it sure felt like a load off my chest when I finally was able to address my concerns about my drinking with my doctor.

soberandgodless

A wise man taught me that my depression was telling me something. I may have a very sensitive instrument, more sensitive than most, when it comes to feeling sadness and anxiety. But the sadness itself--that wasn't imaginary. It wasn't pathological. For me.

And it wasn't the problem either. This is just my story, but my sadness was a symptom of a life that was out of balance. I thought I needed to feel better, and drinking helped that. But what I needed was to live a life that was authentic, and purposeful, with growth and connection to the people and things I loved.

I didn't have that. Of course I was sad. The sadness was speaking to me. Drowning that sad voice in alcohol was not the answer. Living well was. Messing with the feelings was just messing with the information. Changing my feelings never changed the things I was having feelings about.

The pain won't kill you. The fear won't kill you. Somewhere there's an open path for you, and you will find it if you clear away the preconceptions that are blocking it. Because nothing real ever stands in the way of the next right action.

Hugs from me too, SnowDaisy. I've been where you are, and I'm in a better place today. Because life does work just fine. You can get there too.

sugarbear1

I thought I needed pain, too, so I refused to attend AA meetings for a while. Why should I feel good? I don't deserve that.... or so I thought.

When you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, AA has a solution and it's in the steps.

Hugs, it's gonna be okay. You'll make it through. Try not drinking, it makes the depression worse.

Hugs & love sent your way,

Anna

I'm really glad you are talking to your therapist soon.

If the depression came before the drinking, then you may want to talk to your dr about that. For me, I was depressed for many years and used alcohol to self-medicate. However, I wasn't able to stop drinking until I got the depression properly diagnosed and treated.

I really hope you feel better.

soberandgodless

No one needs or deserves to feel pain. And sometimes pain truly is pathological. But often the pain is there telling you to pull your hand off that hot stove.

Drinking is like shooting your hand full of Novocaine. Sure, the pain goes away for awhile. But wouldn't it be better to move your hand off that burner and care for it?

Again, the pain isn't necessarily the problem. Sometimes it's a symptom. Like drinking itself can be.

OheemJah

I understand drinking because of circumstances in your life. I used to be the same way. I would drink because my ex-husband was a jerk, I didn't know where my life was going, I was alone and bored, it was a nice day out, it was a snowy day out,... Every excuse in the book.
One day, I decided that I'm not going to drink because other people make me feel bad, they aren't worth it. I'm not going to poison my body, look like ****, feel like **** and feel more anxiety and depression. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT! The only thing you can do is surround yourself with positive things. Start working out (if you don't already), yerba mate tea helps me with well-being and clarity, and do something for yourself! Go get a pedicure, and screw the guy who treats you like crap. There are plenty out there that won't, and if you meet him with the clarity from being sober, you have nowhere to go but up.

MustStop

Drop the alcohol, the 3-4 hour buzz isn't worth the entirely ruined day after and crying. The depression and everything else won't be as bad after drinking and right now it sounds like you need all the positive energy possible.

ReadyAndAble

Sorry, that does sound like a tough situation. I guess the bright side is that even if you're stuck with the job and boyfriend in the short term, you can eventually rid yourself of both (and good riddance too, since no one should put up with hostility, either at work or at home).

In the meantime, you can make both situations more manageable by not drinking, as others have said. Alcohol will only make everything, including depression, worse.

Good for you, coming here to post about it. You are not alone in this—remember that. Hang in there, and have faith in better days ahead.

GrowingDaily

Daisy, I think you might benefit from sitting down, and formulating a step-by-step plan, on paper, for changing your life. Even the largest problems can shrink in perceived importance once you break down their management into small steps.

For those of us who have problems with alcohol / drugs, they're more often than not used - at a subconscious level - to numb the reality of our daily existence. Rather than deal head-on with our problems, we've taught ourselves, over the course of years, to take the chemical shortcut. But as well all know - rationally - doing so creates even more problems, while the original problems we were running from remain and magnify.

Coming out of the fog and facing the crap you've created for yourself - with eyes wide open - is a tough mountain to climb. But it's absolutely essential for you to realize two things: 1) Everything that's wrong in your life is due to your actions (or inactions), and 2) everything can be put right again if you're willing to suffer through the pain of facing your problems and righting them. The good news is - you're already in pain now. So what choice are you going to make? The pain that never heals but only makes things worse (alcoholism), or the pain that WILL eventually go away as you turn your life around (sobriety)? There's only one choice that makes any sense.

The position you find yourself in now in regards to your career & relationship was created by your dependence on alcohol to numb your reality. But that didn't occur overnight, so you can't expect to fix your problems overnight either. We're used to the 'quick fix', but there is no quick fix. The only fix is to stay sober, break your problems into manageable chunks, and then face & fix them, one at a time, until you're back on solid ground. And you WILL get back on solid ground as long as you keep the faith, and don't allow yourself to become overcome by the 'big picture'. All the big picture is is a collection of smaller photos Rip them up one at a time.

Take a day for yourself - alone. Sit down, pull out a pad & paper, have some tissues ready, and write down each & every thing that's wrong in your life. Then choose one - just one - to start with, and temporarily forget about the rest. For example, you want a new job. Fine. Choose that. Now start planning on how to get another one. Do you have the skills to get the job you want? Yes? Then first step is to start perusing want ads. No? Then your plan should include further education. Don't have the money? Then your plan should be to save up until you do. Now all of a sudden you're working TOWARDS a better life. And I guarantee that when you do, the suckiness of your current position won't seem as bad, because you'll see it for what it is... a means to an end.

Just a word about myself: I 'woke up' recently. My father won't speak to me, even close to his own death. I owe money to numerous entities. I have liver problems & no insurance. My business has failed, and I'm dead broke. If I digested all that every day, I'd go nuts. But you know what? I'm not nuts. And life is getting better every day, because for the first time in years, I'm actually doing something about my problems instead of letting them pile up higher. One small piece at a time.

Keep your chin up. And occupy as much of your time with activities that improve yourself as possible.

Best wishes.