for those who left, was there an A-ha moment?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
for those who left, was there an A-ha moment?
Hi Friends
Yesterday was quite a day for me. The only employee in our business called, hysterical, because of how my business partner has been treating her. That was for me, a last straw.
Recently, I've posted about this business partner, and how much I hate her and bla bla bla. Well, I have recently been relieved of my disabling emotions regarding her and started being more strategic. After finding out how she's been treating our employee I realized there is no amount of restructuring our business that will make her behavior acceptable to me. None.
It was a huge relief actually. I emailed my attorney and said lets get this ball rolling.
Remarkably, after discovering on Friday that my AH has been talking to his old affair partner, I have had the same damn realization in this situation as well.
The thing that baffles me is the ease of decision, coupled with very little emotion. No drama. It's just factual. I don't want revenge, I don't want anyone to like me. I just want my life free of unacceptable situations.
Can anyone relate and explain this to me. It's a little baffling, but I'm very grateful for the drama-free clarity.
Love, Transform
Yesterday was quite a day for me. The only employee in our business called, hysterical, because of how my business partner has been treating her. That was for me, a last straw.
Recently, I've posted about this business partner, and how much I hate her and bla bla bla. Well, I have recently been relieved of my disabling emotions regarding her and started being more strategic. After finding out how she's been treating our employee I realized there is no amount of restructuring our business that will make her behavior acceptable to me. None.
It was a huge relief actually. I emailed my attorney and said lets get this ball rolling.
Remarkably, after discovering on Friday that my AH has been talking to his old affair partner, I have had the same damn realization in this situation as well.
The thing that baffles me is the ease of decision, coupled with very little emotion. No drama. It's just factual. I don't want revenge, I don't want anyone to like me. I just want my life free of unacceptable situations.
Can anyone relate and explain this to me. It's a little baffling, but I'm very grateful for the drama-free clarity.
Love, Transform
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I have defined it as time release healing and detachment... we are getting healthier by getting a new "pair of glasses" (classic AA book) and getting clarity on situations.
In my case it has been a year and a half of of concentrating on me and my own recovery and issues rather than the XA who consumed my time and mental energies like a very large blood sucking insect (sounds mean but it is my new "pair of glasses" and how it feels now).
In my case it has been a year and a half of of concentrating on me and my own recovery and issues rather than the XA who consumed my time and mental energies like a very large blood sucking insect (sounds mean but it is my new "pair of glasses" and how it feels now).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
You've simply had ENOUGH! No one knows when or if that will happen, but it finally did happen for you. I hope the feeling continues. Good luck with starting your new chapter. Every story has an ending, but in life, each ending is a new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Sort of. I didn't have such a smooth time of it but I was still in the thick of it and had zero recovery at that point.
The a-ha moment for me was based in reality and acceptance. It was finally seeing the way things were for me and to what I had become, what I was allowing to happen to me. The other side of the coin was finally accepting the reality of the way things were with him in this moment not what I wanted, or wished, or hoped, or what was or could be.
It was a relief. I still had a lot of confusion but that a-ha moment gave me the strength to move and to be ready for recovery.
The a-ha moment for me was based in reality and acceptance. It was finally seeing the way things were for me and to what I had become, what I was allowing to happen to me. The other side of the coin was finally accepting the reality of the way things were with him in this moment not what I wanted, or wished, or hoped, or what was or could be.
It was a relief. I still had a lot of confusion but that a-ha moment gave me the strength to move and to be ready for recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 11
I had that moment when we were having a great time one weekend. She drank to much wouldn't leave tried to get her to leave. She went after me eyeballs again and then called the cops on me. I saw her in the morning and of course she didn't remember anything (i left and went to another motel) I remember that morning I wasn't mad or angry because I knew she didn't want to do it and that it was the alcohol but having been through it so many times, I just told her that I know you didn't mean it I know you are sorry, but it doesn't matter because it is going to happen again and again. I just let go and I feel better about me. I worry about her, but I didn't create it, I can't control it, and I can't change it. That little phrase has helped me so much.
SHe had another incident this weekend. I should say I haven't left yet, might be this week though because of this incident. She had to much to drink and wouldn't leave. I was with her parents so I had witnesses this time. Her mother was trying to get her to leave. I said let her be. Pretty hard for a parent to leave your child in that state. But needless to say she pushed over her dad who just had knee replacement surgery so he may have damaged his knee. Bit her mother to the point of drawing blood. Came at me again. So I haven' t left, but made it clear that she gets help or I am gone. She made an appointment, but that has happened before as well. If she actually goes and goes to several I am willing to give a chance. Otherwise I am gone.
I just feel so much better myself by releasing the control to its rightful owner. Sounds callous, but I am not going to destroy my life with someone elses drinking that they will not address.
Stick with it and take care of yourself!!!!
SHe had another incident this weekend. I should say I haven't left yet, might be this week though because of this incident. She had to much to drink and wouldn't leave. I was with her parents so I had witnesses this time. Her mother was trying to get her to leave. I said let her be. Pretty hard for a parent to leave your child in that state. But needless to say she pushed over her dad who just had knee replacement surgery so he may have damaged his knee. Bit her mother to the point of drawing blood. Came at me again. So I haven' t left, but made it clear that she gets help or I am gone. She made an appointment, but that has happened before as well. If she actually goes and goes to several I am willing to give a chance. Otherwise I am gone.
I just feel so much better myself by releasing the control to its rightful owner. Sounds callous, but I am not going to destroy my life with someone elses drinking that they will not address.
Stick with it and take care of yourself!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I did have that moment....and after the first a whole bunch of them feel into place.
August 26, 2010. On my way to a therapy meeting and I find out my loved one who has been ducking his own support has been in touch with his affair partner again. (From a random stranger who thought enough of me to let me know....my hero).
I had some Al-anon and other recovery under my belt and I finally stopped making excuses and had enough. I asked for a divorce, and the relationship was over.
Don't get me wrong I have had my struggles since that time.....but I have felt like I have been continuously moving forward and not taking steps forward and back at someone elses whim.
It took me a long time to get there, but I am glad I did....even with the struggle. I am getting to a place I can trust myself.
August 26, 2010. On my way to a therapy meeting and I find out my loved one who has been ducking his own support has been in touch with his affair partner again. (From a random stranger who thought enough of me to let me know....my hero).
I had some Al-anon and other recovery under my belt and I finally stopped making excuses and had enough. I asked for a divorce, and the relationship was over.
Don't get me wrong I have had my struggles since that time.....but I have felt like I have been continuously moving forward and not taking steps forward and back at someone elses whim.
It took me a long time to get there, but I am glad I did....even with the struggle. I am getting to a place I can trust myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My aha moment came one night when I was laying in bed and fantasizing about how great it will be when I'm dead and don't have to deal with this crap any more. THAT really opened my eyes. I mean, what was next, following through with it?
At that exact moment I knew my life had to change or I would be dead soon.
Hard to admit that I sank that low but it has made the up here in recovery that much better.
Your friend,
At that exact moment I knew my life had to change or I would be dead soon.
Hard to admit that I sank that low but it has made the up here in recovery that much better.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Yes, I did have an ah-ha moment with the A in my life, my sister. And like Thumper, I felt relief. Had I not had that ah-ha moment, I would probably still be enabling her and feeling excruciating emotional pain. The ah-ha moment was a blessing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I had several a-ha moments with XAH. (Thinking back to life with XAH, I'm actually very surprised at what weren't, you know?) I've probably posted these two several times here, it helps me to remember though, so bear with me. 
The one that got me to leave him was finding a picture DS had taken with my digital camera of the dog we were babysitting. I'd heard XAH fall into the tub, ran in to make sure he didn't fall on DS, he didn't so I left him there. Well, DS took a picture of the dog who was standing in front of the tub and XAH; XAH had looked like he should have been passed out. NOPE, I don't want DS to see that every day. I started saving for our apartment and looking for one I could afford.
The final one, which got me to realize I'm DONE - I do not want XAH, in any way shape or form, no matter what - was a month after he came back from rehab. We'd met for lunch. I paid, naturally. As we got ready to leave, we discussed our family, DS, and his rehab. He came up with the statements: "It was always the hard stuff, never the beer." and "Every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't see it." When he said the last one, I stood stunned for a couple seconds and then told him, "That's all I need to know." Took DS's hand, walked to my car and left him there without saying good bye.
Sh-t. If he couldn't even admit he was an alcoholic, which I still wanted to believe was the problem with his abusive behavior (even though I *knew* better), there was no way he was going to work on anything. Not on his drinking, not on our relationship, not on anything. The realization that I didn't have to live with that cr-p on a daily basis, was like a blinding flash of heaven.
The one that got me to leave him was finding a picture DS had taken with my digital camera of the dog we were babysitting. I'd heard XAH fall into the tub, ran in to make sure he didn't fall on DS, he didn't so I left him there. Well, DS took a picture of the dog who was standing in front of the tub and XAH; XAH had looked like he should have been passed out. NOPE, I don't want DS to see that every day. I started saving for our apartment and looking for one I could afford.
The final one, which got me to realize I'm DONE - I do not want XAH, in any way shape or form, no matter what - was a month after he came back from rehab. We'd met for lunch. I paid, naturally. As we got ready to leave, we discussed our family, DS, and his rehab. He came up with the statements: "It was always the hard stuff, never the beer." and "Every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't see it." When he said the last one, I stood stunned for a couple seconds and then told him, "That's all I need to know." Took DS's hand, walked to my car and left him there without saying good bye.
Sh-t. If he couldn't even admit he was an alcoholic, which I still wanted to believe was the problem with his abusive behavior (even though I *knew* better), there was no way he was going to work on anything. Not on his drinking, not on our relationship, not on anything. The realization that I didn't have to live with that cr-p on a daily basis, was like a blinding flash of heaven.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
M1ke, one thing I find horrifying now is the fact that I had several moments like that which weren't my a-ha moments. I simply stood up each time, realized that I was actually looking forward to not feeling anything, put down what I was holding and went to bed. I simply thought: I could do it later, what's a few more hours or days of hell when I had something I could actually look forward to?
Not an a-ha moment, but truly scary from this side of getting out.
Not an a-ha moment, but truly scary from this side of getting out.
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
For me personally my A-ha moment came August 5 2009. I was out playing Beer Pool (well i don’t even remember what we were playing but it was some kind of game and shots) and I got sick, I never get sick. I stayed sick for three days. On day Three (Agust 8th) I found out I was about 5 weeks along with my first child. I swore that I would not touch booze again. My son will be two in June and I have yet to pick up a bottle again. I want to...but I know that once it starts it wont stop and I need to be a better mother than that.
My second a-ha moment came this past Sunday (it is what brought me to this site). My Boyfriend, who is an A, left the dinner table where I was feeding our son and his two other kids (from a previous marriage) and went to get drunk in the Garage. In the middle of dinner. HE came back in to the house about an hour later, all his kids in there jammies, watching a movie and said "is dinner over?". I quietly got up took him back out side and told him that "if you want to stay here tonight then go in side and go straight to bed. Tell your kids you love them and go to bed. If you don’t I will take all three kids and leave. Those are your options." He went to bed.
Now I am not sure what to do with my A-ha moment...but i am using the tools here to sort it out and get everyone the help they need.
My second a-ha moment came this past Sunday (it is what brought me to this site). My Boyfriend, who is an A, left the dinner table where I was feeding our son and his two other kids (from a previous marriage) and went to get drunk in the Garage. In the middle of dinner. HE came back in to the house about an hour later, all his kids in there jammies, watching a movie and said "is dinner over?". I quietly got up took him back out side and told him that "if you want to stay here tonight then go in side and go straight to bed. Tell your kids you love them and go to bed. If you don’t I will take all three kids and leave. Those are your options." He went to bed.
Now I am not sure what to do with my A-ha moment...but i am using the tools here to sort it out and get everyone the help they need.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Uncertainty and Mike,
I am so deeply sorry you felt so badly.
It gives me the shivers when I think of never having "talked" to either one of you.
I did it by blacking out nearly every night. Like dying over and over again.
My a-ha was an accumulation of things, little things that I should have gotten trouble for , but my command was protecting me. Sigh...........
I was separating the bottles, and was very angry and resentful towards my ex because he told me about his affair (she got drunk too). I felt low, unlovable and not worth anything. I was going to treatment because the MP's had been to the house and when I went to the hospital my blood alcohol was .27 (i was upright and holding a friendly conversation with the MP's who brought me down there.)
My aha moment was after I had been told about mandatory 6 week inpatient, that it occurred to me "I don't have to live like this anymore." This was a revelation to me.
I could get help and not live like I was waiting for death.
Then, the possibilities became endless.
Transform, you shoulda seen me in rehab. I worked so hard, cried more than I have in my entire life and more was revealed while I was sober to make that break with my ex.
I did not do it right away, but the final straw came during rehab.
Is it really about the boobs? Really? Ex-husbands. Pfffft.
Beth
I am so deeply sorry you felt so badly.
It gives me the shivers when I think of never having "talked" to either one of you.
I did it by blacking out nearly every night. Like dying over and over again.
My a-ha was an accumulation of things, little things that I should have gotten trouble for , but my command was protecting me. Sigh...........
I was separating the bottles, and was very angry and resentful towards my ex because he told me about his affair (she got drunk too). I felt low, unlovable and not worth anything. I was going to treatment because the MP's had been to the house and when I went to the hospital my blood alcohol was .27 (i was upright and holding a friendly conversation with the MP's who brought me down there.)
My aha moment was after I had been told about mandatory 6 week inpatient, that it occurred to me "I don't have to live like this anymore." This was a revelation to me.
I could get help and not live like I was waiting for death.
Then, the possibilities became endless.
Transform, you shoulda seen me in rehab. I worked so hard, cried more than I have in my entire life and more was revealed while I was sober to make that break with my ex.
I did not do it right away, but the final straw came during rehab.
Is it really about the boobs? Really? Ex-husbands. Pfffft.
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well, this time he listened, but the unpredictable nature of A's will leave you wondering. Next time he might raise a kitchen chair over his head and throw it out the window. Or not. Toss the coin, see where it falls. That's the life we lead when we choose to live with practicing A's.
My AH recently left a burnhole in the couch that's sitting outside. I"m having it, and all of the furniture outside, hauled away on Friday to the dump. I don't plan to discuss it with him, just take action in hopes he wont' kill us before we can leave.
My AH recently left a burnhole in the couch that's sitting outside. I"m having it, and all of the furniture outside, hauled away on Friday to the dump. I don't plan to discuss it with him, just take action in hopes he wont' kill us before we can leave.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
I felt it coming for a long time, even laid the groundwork for action. But the actual moment where I had had enough...it was definitely an a-ha moment. Still only 3 weeks out and tough going, but I've not looked back.
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