gplmdyw

I found an old post on this part of the site (ACA) where a member said this:

"Of course the obvious is that ACA meeting focus on adults who are no longer necessarily living with/around their parents but are still dealing with the fallout; where AlAnon is more for people who are actively dealing with their A's"

Do you agree with that? After years of AA and 12 steps I have been looking for new tools. I've committed to an ACA meeting which I identify greatly with (and love the people) but then I crave AA too. I have tried Alanon but don't identify the same way, but have only gone to 3 meetings.

I still am under control of my dysfunctional, controlling, manipulative parents because of financial reasons, and am trying to get "out from under" but am not physically healthy enough. Not sure whether Alanon or ACA, or all programs is where I fit in!

DavidG

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REPLY:

Each group is autonomous so it can vary from place to place...

oopps.. hi my name is David, ACA, and a proud member of Alanon.

Hi....

Alanon is supposed to be for every family members and friends.

Some will allow for fm's and f's of alcoholics only and other for addicts generally.

Alanon has its own BRB and also Adult child ODAT...


ACA grew out of Alateen and Alanon after a policy issue came to light...

I come from a smaller rural town... all those different groupings create
difficulties... it is hard enough to keep one 12 step group going...

so here we tend to look for the similarities and not the differences...

thanks heaps for the chance to share... [for now...lol...]

DavidG
New Zealand.

Kialua

Hi. I have noticed many ACA here, that still live with their Alcoholic parent for one reason or another. Many are minors and others are financially dependent.

I don't know how one can break free from the insanity if still living with their alcoholic. Detachment is a must, emotionally for sure and physically if possible.

tromboneliness

That's a good observation. My Dad kept trying to throw money at me essentially his whole life -- for my part, I developed a constant fear of going broke, and always strove to maintain my financial independence/autonomy.

It's a long story, but many, many times, my Dad offered to pay for things, give me a car, etc. in my adult life. I always turned him down.

Except, that is, for my parting shot -- as executor of his estate, I took ownership of my Mom's Corvette. (I kid you not -- she drove it 'til she was 77!)

T

Kialua

I never had the problem of turning down money from my alcoholic Dad, ha ha, he had none. But I have heard it said from many sources that whoever gives you money is the one in charge and owns you. I was happy scratching out my own living, with my husband living in a three room apartment for many years. When in-laws gave money to my husband, I didn't feel indebted, though he may have.

Better to be your own King in a hovel, than a slave in a mansion.

DesertEyes

Depends on the meeting. What is obvious after you have attended one or two meetings is that people who are adults have adult lives. That means they are married, have kids, and so on. Sometimes spouses are alcoholics, sometimes the kids are, sometimes the ACA becomes one. Trying to make any kind of hard definition as to who "fits" what program fails to acknoledge the reality of life.

Some al-anon meets deal with ACA issues. Some ACA meets deal with al-anon issues. Some AA meets are "double winner" and have _both_ AA and al-anon. Some just give up and deal with _all_ of the issues. And then there is ala-teen and ala-tot. I'm from Las Vegas, and there must be every single 12 step program ever invented having meetings over there. There's people who would need an hour just to list all their addictions, they just say "I have an addictive personality".

The general suggestion that I follow is that I go to whatever program / meeting helps me deal with the issues I face in life. Not always 12 step. I have gone to meetings from the American Heart Association, the American Diabetes Association. The way I see it, "recovery" is about whatever works for me and is not limited to just one "flavor" of program.

Shop around. That's why most al-anon meets suggest you visit _six_ meetings before you pick the ones you like. And if none of them provide the support you need.... then perhaps you don't need that "flavor" of recovery

You fit in wherever _you_ decide you fit in.

If you have health issues you may want to call the AA central office and see if they have a program for "shut ins". Some communities will send people to have a meeting in your home if you are unable to get out.

Mike

DavidG

Shop around. That's why most al-anon meets suggest you visit _six_ meetings before you pick the ones you like. And if none of them provide the support you need.... then perhaps you don't need that "flavor" of recovery



Hello Mike,

David, ACA from New Zealand...

there is another alternative- that is to start a meeting oneself...
sometimes hard to do- but someone has to....

cheers,
odat....

gplmdyw

Brilliant!

Better to be your own King in a hovel, than a slave in a mansion.[/QUOTE]

gplmdyw

"...people who are adults have adult lives. That means they are married, have kids, and so on."

I don't agree with that definition of being an adult. That is a very illusory definition where really we're just trying to "fit into" society and get comfort and security. Marriage and kids have nothing to do with succeeding or being an adult. We just think they do.

"Some AA meets are "double winner" and have _both_ AA and al-anon. Some just give up and deal with _all_ of the issues."

All AA meetings are for AA only. Anything else is a watered down excuse for an AA meeting. ACAs, Alanoners and others can attend and listen, but not speak at, an AA meeting.

"Shop around. That's why most al-anon meets suggest you visit _six_ meetings before you pick the ones you like. And if none of them provide the support you need.... then perhaps you don't need that "flavor" of recovery "

Yes, thank you. I'll continue to try it and be open-minded.

gplmdyw

The issue isn't one of a lack of meetings, it's, "Do I belong at Alanon." How could I start an Alanon meeting with no experience?

DavidG

Hey... that is me... years ago when my grandma was around she offered to leave us her house. [And mark me we needed one badly]. I turned it down becos it wouldn't be fair on the others and it ended up going to dad.

I kept dad in his home until he died really. When he died he owned 1/3 of all the property and he left that to two only in the family. This forced us off the property and off of our home.

I guess we did well in the end- both times because we did it on our own...

[sometimes I am not sure about this- but no use crying over spilt milk...]

thanks for the share..

-David G

DavidG

Lol... its normal for family members to feel they do not belong!


The best way to start a meeting is to have one or more people willing to help...

it can be done alone... all you need is a venue, some advertising and some materials to start...

my own experience.... for the first 18 months there would be a few one person and two person meetings.... it takes time... and patience...

A forum like this is a good place to start sharing your own ESH [experience strength and hope]...

I will look out for your posts....

take care,

DavidG