Eliasson

Thank you to everyone for the encouraging words of support and the warm welcome back. It was a scary week. As I said, I didn't drink much, didn't get drunk or hungover, just very deep depression which I still can't shake. I think the stress of the events that have come to pass over the past two years finally caught up with me and I literally had a "nervous breakdown". All I remember is crying and feeling a sharp pain in my head and then coming in and out of consciousness in the hospital where I had spiked a high fever and was in lots of pain (from my lupus). I don't remember most of that day, or the day after. I am in tears constantly. So many people are so disappointed in or upset or disgusted with me. I feel worthless and hopeless. All my life, since age 13 really, I have struggled with addiction and depression. Now I am on day 4 again, but don't really know what the point is. I'm 46. It's been going on forever. My marriage is still a mess. My teenaged son still has brain cancer. I'm not coping. I'm afraid of having a break in my brain again. I don't know what my objective in writing here right now is, but it's one place I feel I can go and be safe. Thank you all for always being here and giving me hope. I only hope someday I can be the "healthy" one helping others. I'm so tired of being a problem to everyone in my life. Thank you again. For helping me feel not quite so all alone.

wellwisher

No, Eliasson, you are not alone. I hope you continue to post. You have a lot on your plate, it seems.

There is no reason why you shouldn't be reaching out for help. Took me a lot of years to realize that, but it sure helps.

All my best....don't be afraid to ask for help, or vent. We're here.

SSIL75

Who on earth is disappointed with you? Carrying the weight of your family's world on your shoulders. They should be ashamed of themselves.

are you taking any medication for your depression?

Sapling

Hey Eliasson...I think this site is full of people that have been at that point there wasn't much hope left...I know I was....It can and will get better...Just don't ever let go of that hope....I'm glad you're here.

sugarbear1

When we don't see another solution, we drink. The steps of aa are another solution and worked for me.

Big hugs to you. I understand what you are going through.
4 days is Awesome! You can do this!!

chicory

Eliasson,

I cant imagine how difficult things must be, with all that you are dealing with. It would be so hard for anyone. I am glad you are here, for it is a great source of comfort to me too, at SR.
They say that letting others help you is a gift. Letting someone be a friend is a loving act. So,you are giving now, by reaching out for comfort and understanding. Letting others give.
I wish there was something I could say to help, but I will pray for you and your dear son and your family. If anyone is dissappointed in you, then they are not knowing what it is like to be in your shoes.
Do you believe in a higher power? If so, it surely must be a good time to throw some things on your higher powers back, to lighten your load. there are some things you cant do anything about, so letting some of it go, if you can, might ease your mind a bit. I hope you will try not to worry about those who are judgmental, for they have no right, unless they are willing to carry your load themselves.

sending up prayers tonight, for rest, strength, peace, and comfort for you Eliasson.
chicory

Dee74

You're not a disappointment or a problem to anyoine here Eliasson - certainly not to me

it looks to me like you're trying to fix everything yourself....you have an immense amount of stuff on your plate and the only solution you have, still, is drinking...I get that. Been there.

I really hope you'll keep coming here and keep looking for some help and support elsewhere too.

It took me too many years to get this - but there really is no defeat in reaching out and saying I can't deal with this alone.

D

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Eliasson

Thank you all. More tears. Of gratitude, this time.