twolivestouched

I know that I must be horrible. Horrible to think of leaving. Horrible to think of staying. A black and ugly shell of someone who use to shine. There was a time when…no there wasn’t. Between two drunk parents, a failed first marriage, and you there has always only been this...witness to a druken life.

You were drunk the day you asked me to marry you, so did you even ask? I never said yes, but you dont remember that. You were Drunk the day we made our son. Where you even there? You left dinner last night to get drunk, the kids know that you were not even there.


You have lied. I am trying to keep things going and that is my lie. I am tired of trying to fix it, hold it together, and make right all of the wrongs. And I am tired. I want to say that the lies stop at you at me…but they just keep going….I have to smile for your kids and ours. I have to sit here at work and make the best of each and every lie from our night. I have to live with the lies.


I think that if I can fix you or make this work I have some how embody the marriage I most want to emulate…the marriage I have put up on a pedestal…the marriage that I thought I always wanted. The Marriage of my drunken abusive mother to my drunken terminal ill father. And that is what I am striving for...


I want to get lost in a clear bottle haze. Find a rationalization in my head that makes that okay. To ignore all things I have to do and just do what I want to do. I want to soak in vodka and breath that fire on everyone around me. I want to lay my head down and feel the spin of cheep rum…I want to laugh at my own stupid jokes, feel smart, sexy, and like everything is going to be okay. I want to spend ten bucks and have a moment where I don’t feel like this whole life is a cruel and terrible joke.

I made a choice, to be a mother. With that choice came the understanding that I stay here with you. That I cook, clean, smile at your mother, spend more time with your hateful hurtful family then any of my own, that I work to pay your family’s bills, that I happily send our son to a smoky dank little room day after day and be grateful for the opportunity. I spend holiday after holiday feeling guilty for seeing my family and then playing babysitter to all the *Bleeping* drunks who surround our son and your kids. I clean up after you, raise your kids, and then sit quietly while you spew your drunken word vomit all over me.

I get to be the woman of your belligerent dreams. Can you even make out what it is that you say to me? Do you know how cheep and ugly you make me feel? Do you know that I hate having “couple” with you…if you were sober you might be able to read my body language...hear me crying under the weight of the booze. You might be able to see that our son is my shield from a painful night with you. I hate it when you touch me. Your drunken hands hurt, your body acts on its own accord, you don’t even need me to be here…


All I want to do is run. I want to grab up our son and I want to run. I want to leave all of this behind, try again. I really don’t think that you ever loved me. I don’t think that you even care about me. I think that you’re stuck. I think you want out and don’t know how…so you get out a bit at a time by bathing in Gin. So maybe, just maybe, if I leave you won’t be so horrible to live with anymore. Maybe you can find a way to be a better father to your kids. Maybe if you don’t have to deal with the horror of sleeping with me, the agony of talk WITH me, the torture of just being with me…you can be better for them.

I am sure there will come a time when I actually stand up, No there wont. I am weak I always have been. I need you to validate it or make some drama in it….ugh I hate me.

Ann

Well, we don't hate you and I hope you find some support here because it sounds like you really need some.

You don't have to make decisions today, but perhaps just knowing you have options will be enough to help you find your self-esteem again.

Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top. There is a lot of information there that may help you.

I'm glad you found us and hope we can help you learn to love yourself again, because you are worthy of love and respect, all God's children are.

Hugs

incitingsilence

You don’t have to live the lies, you never did…
You don’t have to tolerate any pain, or live within the scars of the past, nor hang around allowing new ones to be carved in … filling up the closets, hiding the pain ... I would bet you stuffed them so full you can barely keep them closed…

Did this help you to feel better?
Did the release bring some clarity into your head?

Please note..
You are worthy of love, of happiness, of joy, of peace…
You are beautiful…

I picked up the bottles, I do not suggest playing in that madness, it only works so long and then you are stuck with more confusion, pain and that route in this moment well it is only you that you can blame for the new scars ...

Whenever you are ready, freedom is waiting ...

twolivestouched

You are both very right. I did feel better just putting it in to words. i know that he will never see it or hear it, but I was able to sort some thoughts and find some peace in just putting it out there. Thank you for your kind words and for finding the time to response to some idle rambling.

I think that this site is amazing and I have read about 100 or more threads before I posted to help sort the anger, hurt, past, and what I wanted. Can you believe that was my cleaned up thought process?

Thank you for being here.

MsPINKAcres

((TLT))

Welcome to our SR Family

Please know that it doesn't matter if "he" ever reads anything your write, understand anything you feel or say ~
Sweetie - here I learned it was NOT about the "hims" it could be about ME!

It could be about me, my life, my safety, sanity, my dreams, my hopes and even my laughter again !

Please continue to read here, maybe attend an al-anon meeting, read some recovery literature and reach out for support! that's what helped me!

PINK HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita

twolivestouched

I am trying to find my voice and you are all helping me do that. I appreciate everything that you are saying. In reading, and writing, I know that I will find the love to do what I must and be the best person I can be...for me and my kids.

Thank you for assuring me that wanting a sober life for me and my kids is not selfish but that is the life that I (we all) deserve.

incitingsilence

I think you may have found your voice, hold on to it, tightly!

String it out, word after word ... what I have found for me was that my journal, the simple act of writing everything out in my head saved me more than anything by helping me find what I lost of myself along the way.

Find you, save you...

And never forget you are worth all your time and love, and your kids are worth it too.