NoCommunication

Is it normal for a recovering alcoholic to because less supportive to thier significate other and not want sex after three months in group? At first he was very loving, and is still nice but I feel unloved and unwanted. Since he's been in recovery I've given him space and been very supportive, but when will I get the love and affection I require?

fourmaggie

question...are you in AL ANON?...u seem to be supportive of his stuff, but what about you...?

i cant really answer that question because when i noticed mine was starting to shift his change into his recovery, i started to notice red flags...meanings hiding the cell phone when he is texting, sneakie things...but that was my relationship with him...i noticed i was noticing his recovery was effecting mine and so was the before the "recovery" change....i had to deal with alot of MY issues .....things changed...yes sex and effection changed too...

sorry i could not give you and insight on what you are seeking...but that is something you still have to look into within yourself...

choublak

Why do you feel unloved and unwanted?

NoCommunication

I haven't attend Al Anon yet, but do plan to. And he's not sneaky and I always know where his is, so I really don't feel like he's cheating. It's just that for the past two years I've supported him not only emotionally but also financially because of his disease. He is working now, not as much as I do, but that doesn't bother me. What bother's me is that he has times when he shuts down and doesn't show any emotion. It's almost like he's PMSing! He's very helpful when it comes to my children and helping around the house, but when it comes to be alone with me it's like he dread's it.

I'll pretend everything is fine, but then after a couple weeks of no sex I have to say something. I spoke to one girl that said her sex drive has fallen also, is this a normal side affect of recovery?

Marytherboo

I think it's very common. There are physical changes that go with stopping drinking that can last for months (google PAWS: Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). And the newly-sober person is wrestling with all kinds of emotions without his accustomed anesthesia. Since sex for many people is something that happens when they feel comfortable and confident, your A may just not be in that place yet.

If you're like me, sex was sometimes all the connection there was when the A was drinking. Maybe now that he's sober and working to rebuild his life there's other things you can look to for signs of his commitment and love. For now, anyway.

Tuffgirl

I agree with Marytherboo, as I have heard recovering addicts/alcoholics describe just feeling like crap all the time those first few months (some years!) and being intimate was the last thing they were interested in. I found the same with my RAH.

My best friend recently relapsed, but before she was sober for four months and she was pretty angry at life and the world. Hard to feel amorous when you are thoroughly pi$$ed off at everyone around you, especially yourself.

Give it time, and try not to take it personally.

SSIL75

This was normal for me (recovering alcoholic). I continue to learn how to connect with my husband, sober. How to relax with him etc. I recommend you talk to him and tell him how you're feeling.

aliveforme

I agree that RA's go through changes - mine has already.....reading this thread amkes me see some of the very wonderful things that are in my relationship, so here goes:
1. Faith - whether in church, in private, support groups...constantly hope and ask for faith. Its better than fear.
2. Realize that changes are going to occur and giving love is in itself fufilling.
3. Keep the lines of communication open - sometimes its not a full blown "talk" - maybe small things like if you want your hand held, grab theirs when you're out. Keep at it.....

aliveforme

Marytherboo - thanks for the website on the PAWS - that was great!

Florence

Ah god. RAH is about six months sober and doing pretty well, but we basically have no relationship. We do the peck-on-the-cheek goodbye and goodnight, and other than that we live basically like affable roommates. He's a great dad, and he's working again at a decent job, so no complaints there. I won't lie, I'm bitter, I didn't sign up for any of this. I certainly didn't sign up for a celibate marriage. It's been a couple of months since we had sex -- I can't even tell you the last time. He seems okay with it. I've talked to him several times about it and it doesn't appear to be a priority for him. The kicker is that I went through the pregnancy last year basically affection-free, and have lost fifty pounds since the baby was born and he's barely noticed.

The truth is that despite my bitterness over this lack of intimacy, physical and emotional, and even though I'm physically attracted to him, I've lost enough respect and trust in him that I'm not sure I'm interested in sex either.

NoCommunication

Wow..I love this site! Thank you all for the information!! I love him so much and want this to work, but have never had any sort of relationship with someone in his position so I have no idea how to handle things. I'll just continue to give him time and support, and stock up on batteries!!